Help!!!! I'm so confused.....Not handling to well anymore

connie11954

I don't know if this is right place for me to post. I have had my mastectomy, lymph nodes removed. Been through 4 chemo's and 33 radiations. Have lymphedema in my left arm. Labor Day this year will be a year since it all started. Right now I just feel broken. Like, I have nothing left to give. I've always been the care giver and now I'm so lost and so very angry. I do know I need help. I live rural and do not have a support group that I can drive to that is close. That's why I am here. I know I need help, need to break the chains that bind, but I don't know how. I feel stuck, broken. I know in real world that I will survive, but I'm having trouble staying mentally in the real world. I put up a good mask but I'm afraid it is crumbling. I can't not function. I think I just need someone to listen and give me feed back. Connie

Double Whammy

You've been through a lot

and when it doesn't get better, you do indeed need help.  You may be clinically depressed and a visit to your PCP or oncologist might be a good move.  This is not unusual.  There is always someone here, Connie, to listen, but please on your next visit (if not sooner) to your doc, be sure to tell him/her about this.  Most of us go through something after active treatment ends and some of us have a much more difficult time with it.  It sounds like you're having a really difficult time.  We'll listen and provide support to you as you need it, but we're not professionals.  We can indeed be your safe place to come and talk about your feelings and are happy to to that.  This group has been so supportive.  I probably would not have done well in a structured face-to-face support group, but many find that helpful. 

No one understands like someone who has experienced the fears and trauma of breast cancer treatments.  Most folks think we should just forget about it and get on with life.  That just doesn't work for everyone.  We do understand.  So sorry to hear you've also developed lymphedema.  The longterm effects of cancer treatments are not understood by those who haven't experienced it.  And a lot of the longterm effects are emotional.   IMHO because we were once amongst the non-cancer world, we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves after treatments end.  And the non-cancer world for the most part is tired of hearing about it, so that just adds to our feeling abnormal. 

So - you did come to the right place for support and feedback from those who have been there, but you may need medications to help you through this and get back on track. 

Wishing you the best,

Suzanne 

CypressCynthia

Ask for help!  Tell your onc

Ask for help!  Tell your onc what you have shared with us (print it out and take it with you).  Oncologists know we have emotional issues and who wouldn't feel overwhelmed?  Hang in there!  PM me any time - I care!

tasha_111

Hi Connie

I  have been here for 6 years now.  I am stage 4  I understand exactly what you are dealing with, I live very rural too and you really need to visit you doctor, you need a (Kicker) anti depressant/anxiety whatever.  This is way too much to deal with alone  and we need to accept the fact that we need a short term boost to get through this.   I was told June 2013 to go home and get my affairs in order, let it be said that I did and cried my self to sleep every night for the next 2  months,  then I went to my doctor, she put me on zoloft and I finally woke up and started kicking ****!  all I needed was that little boost, I am totally off the drug now, still kicking ****!  It is sometimes the little h elp we need to lift our mood enough to deal with this crap.  It is not a permanent thing,  Please try it, it sure helped me,  Hygs J xxxx

 

New Flower

Double Whammy said:

You've been through a lot

and when it doesn't get better, you do indeed need help.  You may be clinically depressed and a visit to your PCP or oncologist might be a good move.  This is not unusual.  There is always someone here, Connie, to listen, but please on your next visit (if not sooner) to your doc, be sure to tell him/her about this.  Most of us go through something after active treatment ends and some of us have a much more difficult time with it.  It sounds like you're having a really difficult time.  We'll listen and provide support to you as you need it, but we're not professionals.  We can indeed be your safe place to come and talk about your feelings and are happy to to that.  This group has been so supportive.  I probably would not have done well in a structured face-to-face support group, but many find that helpful. 

No one understands like someone who has experienced the fears and trauma of breast cancer treatments.  Most folks think we should just forget about it and get on with life.  That just doesn't work for everyone.  We do understand.  So sorry to hear you've also developed lymphedema.  The longterm effects of cancer treatments are not understood by those who haven't experienced it.  And a lot of the longterm effects are emotional.   IMHO because we were once amongst the non-cancer world, we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves after treatments end.  And the non-cancer world for the most part is tired of hearing about it, so that just adds to our feeling abnormal. 

So - you did come to the right place for support and feedback from those who have been there, but you may need medications to help you through this and get back on track. 

Wishing you the best,

Suzanne 

Good place to share your feelings

Welcome Connie

it is a right place to share your feelings , get support and help others. You made a very good first step for your emotional recovery from cancer treatment came here to share and ask for help. I can relate as 5 and 1/2 years ago I had similar feelings like a fish without water, needed learn how to leave my life encouragement and coaching. it is normal to feel this way, however you need to find your "new normal".  My oncologist did not completely understand making situation worse. Physical and emotional Recovery from treatment can be very slow, everyone is different please be patient to yourself.

i also have had mastectomy 21 nodes removed, 6 rounds of Chemo, radiation and yes having left arm and hand lymphedema . I never attended in person support group, CSN group is my support .

Please come back and stay to share your experience and meet others 

wishinh you the best 

 

 

 

sbmly53

Connie,

I totally understand. It is almost 5 years for me, but I know that when I had finished active treatment, I felt numb emotionally, peppered with stark terror and feeling breathless. Post traumatic stress is real and it can be overcome. See your doctor and tell him exactly what you posted. 

I believe this site was a lifeline for me, I found it after my surgery. I have made many friendships and found unending support. So, see your doctor and post here often.

warm hugs,

Sue

camul

Connie, glad you came on.
I think at some point, we all think we can do this on our own. Bottom line is there is so much more to having cancer, doing chemo, then getting on with our life. Unfortunately, I have not yet met anyone who has had it that easy. Our families try to understand, and be encouraging, they really dont get it. I think we all also try to shield our true feelungs from others, especially when we keep hearing how 'strong' we are. I only wish I was half as strong as others keep telling me I am.
I think too, like thr others, at some point we all need extra help, maybe it is someone other than family or friend to talk to, or a little boost /anti-depressant. I know I have needed it at times.
I wish you the best and want you to know we are here for eachother. Even your post I am sure, has let someone else know who is struggling, they are not alone.

Hugs,
Hope for good news to follow.
Carol

RozHopkins

Actually if you have got

Actually if you have got through all of the above you have done very well indeed.  But now you need to get some help to get over the shock of it all.  Anti depressants don't have to be permanent and your cancer nurse should be able to get you a group to talk to directly or indirectly.  Get out if you can, exercise if you can, in a gym if one available in order to meet other people.  Yoga is a very good start for any one.  Talk to some one you can trust.  Try to get back to things you enjoy.  Meds will help get you started.

WhoaThere

Connie, I understand your

Connie, I understand your fears; I have the same fears that when I finish treatment, I will be left holding this bag of emotions and a permanently changed body.  I have Stage II breast cancer and am half-way done with my chemo and have radiation in my future - same treatment program you went through.  I too have neuropathy in my left arm.  I just want to offer up to you the thing I am hanging onto:  no cancer after treatment.  And that is huge.  I don't think people who have not been through this evil ordeal can really understand.  They may empathize, but they don't understand that it really doesn't end when the treatments end.  Because of that disconnect between those with cancer and those without, it's been really important to me to make contact with others who have been through it.  I encourage you to come to chat and talk about your fears.  Seek professional help if it is available to you.  I also live in a very rural area and know how hard it is to deal with the extra effort it takes to see professionals.  My oncologist is an hour and 40 minutes away.  Chat has been a life-saver for me because I can vent my feelings, my complaints, talk about my symptoms.  It has kept me from bottling things that would explode later on down the road.  And I have developed realtionships that are precious to me.  Take advantage of every outlet available to you and take one day at a time.  We care about each other here.  Hugs and prayers to you.

disneyfan2008

Hello Connie,
Sorry to hear

Hello Connie,

Sorry to hear all you have been through...you will get support here for sure. I have not been through all you have but if you want to vent go ahead-I"LL read/ listen and reply. One suggestion , which seemed simple and like nothing to me until years later, try keeping a journal-just vent or write anything that comes into your head. I thought kind of goofy when I started mine but in hind sight it was a great help.

 

Denise

disneyfan2008

you seem like a VERY strong

you seem like a VERY strong person-just need time to re-coup! My heart goes out to you-pixie dust on your way and hugs..

Denise

connie11954

Thank you to all of you who have responded.

You all have put a smile on my face.  Thank you.  I will reach out to all of you.  I have suffered from depression almost my entire life, so I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.  I visited my shrink when this all started and he increased my meds.  I have taken multiple different anti-depressants for 28 years as well as taken xanax for a great many years as well.  My psychiatrist is an older man, I can say that as I'm 60, so he is older, did not like it when I indicated I was addicted to xanax, which let's get real; 28 years ........  I don't abuse them, I take up to 4 mg a day as needed and here lately have taken a few more.  So I guess I will call my oncologist and visit with him/his nurses and see what they have to say.  Cause my shrink-- it's like talking to a wall.  As I indicated I am rural, and lucky to even have a psychiatrist, much less one who I can truly relate to.  When I lived in Colorado in the early 90's I had excellent mental health professionals.  Now I make do.  You guys are a blessing and I'm so thankful to each of you for responding to me.  I feel better, not well, but better.  I'll be back.  Blessings to each and everyone of you.  Connie

disneyfan2008

connie11954 said:

Thank you to all of you who have responded.

You all have put a smile on my face.  Thank you.  I will reach out to all of you.  I have suffered from depression almost my entire life, so I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.  I visited my shrink when this all started and he increased my meds.  I have taken multiple different anti-depressants for 28 years as well as taken xanax for a great many years as well.  My psychiatrist is an older man, I can say that as I'm 60, so he is older, did not like it when I indicated I was addicted to xanax, which let's get real; 28 years ........  I don't abuse them, I take up to 4 mg a day as needed and here lately have taken a few more.  So I guess I will call my oncologist and visit with him/his nurses and see what they have to say.  Cause my shrink-- it's like talking to a wall.  As I indicated I am rural, and lucky to even have a psychiatrist, much less one who I can truly relate to.  When I lived in Colorado in the early 90's I had excellent mental health professionals.  Now I make do.  You guys are a blessing and I'm so thankful to each of you for responding to me.  I feel better, not well, but better.  I'll be back.  Blessings to each and everyone of you.  Connie

you are welcome-this is a

you are welcome-this is a great place....for venting , advice etc...

 

Keep on smiling..Denise

Barb A

Connie, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. This is a great resource, but as others mentioned, we aren't professionals. In addition to talking to your PCP or Oncologist, you may want to contact the American Cancer Society at cancer.org and ask if you can participate in the Reach to Recovery program. There are also many resources on cancer.org to help you through this difficult time. Some of the resources through cancer.org can put you in touch with local resources.

Best wishes and come back here as often as you want to. It's a great group of people.

Barb A

 

 

 

 

Pixie Dust

You are not alone !!!

Connie, one thing you cannot do is give up. You have alot to give. You sound as if you need a psycharisit or a physcologist to talk to. If you cannot do this come to this site and maybe we all can try to help and give you encouragement in some way. Alot of good people on here can give you good support but you have to let us try. Come back here and talk about it. You have alot to give and who knows you probably can help us out to. Also visit the chat room. Good people on there too, giving good support, encouragement and laughter. Laughter is one of the best meds anyone can recieve. Please let us know how you are doing.  Hugs to you, Pixie Dust

Rague

connie11954 said:

Thank you to all of you who have responded.

You all have put a smile on my face.  Thank you.  I will reach out to all of you.  I have suffered from depression almost my entire life, so I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.  I visited my shrink when this all started and he increased my meds.  I have taken multiple different anti-depressants for 28 years as well as taken xanax for a great many years as well.  My psychiatrist is an older man, I can say that as I'm 60, so he is older, did not like it when I indicated I was addicted to xanax, which let's get real; 28 years ........  I don't abuse them, I take up to 4 mg a day as needed and here lately have taken a few more.  So I guess I will call my oncologist and visit with him/his nurses and see what they have to say.  Cause my shrink-- it's like talking to a wall.  As I indicated I am rural, and lucky to even have a psychiatrist, much less one who I can truly relate to.  When I lived in Colorado in the early 90's I had excellent mental health professionals.  Now I make do.  You guys are a blessing and I'm so thankful to each of you for responding to me.  I feel better, not well, but better.  I'll be back.  Blessings to each and everyone of you.  Connie

Though it's just my thoughts,

Though it's just my thoughts, it seems to me that a new 'shrink' is in order.  We need to be able to talk with our Drs (especially psychiatrists) and be LISTENED to.  Over time, we change and just increasing meds is not always the best answer.  At times, it may be but there can sometimes be other changes that are better options.

I'm ADD (yes, contrary to some 'popular' beliefs -females can be ADD and we will remain so even into 'old age' - I'm 68, was 63 when DXd) and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Over the years, I've had some Quacks and some fantastic Drs.  My current Dr is fantastic!  She really listens to ME - not just doing what 'books' say to do.  I do have meds for my ADD but I'm able to keep my SAD under control with my light box and mega Vit D even during winter.

As you are new to BC DX - PTSD is possible.  IT is possible after any traumatic life happening - not just, as some think, 'war related'.   Something to think about - IF an issue, the sooner  TX, the better for long term outcome.  Counseling often works much better than meds.

Yoi're rural - caring for my animals is what gives me so much.  They are dependant on me.  Sons are in their mid 30's and live in other areas, Hubby is quite capable of taking care of himself BUT the horses, dogs and my bunny (even my plants) rely on me .  I have also taken up some new hobbies - fly fishing (fly tying, fishing and rod building), flint knapping  (making arrow points and blades) and Woodfellow carving (taking a wood knot and carving something on it).

Just my thoughts.

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan