newly diagnosed and don't want to tell what kind of cancer

StruTanToot

I am a gay male and was just diagnosed with anal cancer. I'm scared and worried just like anyone who has been told he/she has cancer.

I know I should not be ashamed to say I have anal cancer. For the most part, I don't mind saying it. The problem is telling my family members the type of cancer I have.

I come from a small town. My folks go to church every time the doors open. They are religious fundamentalists and members of the Tea Party. I simply prefer not to tell them that I have anal cancer.

The problem is that my brother is married to a nurse. She is quite nosy and has started asking a lot of questions. I told the family I had "intestinal cancer." As a nurse, she knew that was a broad and general description.

It appears treatment will include radiation and chemo. While I've researched anal cancer, I've been spending too much time trying to find another type of cancer with similar treatment options.

Can anyone please suggest what I can tell my family members? I understand the importance of bringing awareness to anal cancer and I apologize to all of you for not yet being able to tell my family the truth. In the scheme of things, it doesn't matter. I know all these things, but I'm not ready to tell them.

Thank you for your support and understanding. I'm thankful for this site.

torrance

Anal cancer
I understand your concerns and the feedback you may and will get back from everyone. You will reach a point where you understand how important it will be to share what type of cancer you have in an effort to educate and prevent anyone else from having to endure what you will be going with.

I remember when I was first diagnosed....It didn't bother me that it was anal, but I always wondered why people asked "what kind?" I wonder, does it really matter what kind it is? The point is you have cancer, period. Yes, you will have chemo and radiation, and the side effects can suck big time, however, it is treatable and survivable (at times you might not think so). You did NOT ask to get answer and you did nothing to DESERVE cancer. It happened and now you have to take care of it. You were probably at risk before there was any chance of taking any preventative steps, things are so rare and new with type of cancer, they are learning new things all the time. People, like me, with none of the risk factors can get it.

If it is any help at all, when people asked me, I started with, "I am special, I got a very rare cancer, it represents only one percent of all cancers diagnosed, I have anal cancer." Pretty soon I hope you will gain the sense of humor that helps us get through this and be referring to yourself with humor.

Come here often for support and stay connected. Please don't give your family no credit for how they will respond, help educate them, about anal cancer, what to expect so that they are better prepared to help you through this.

Prayers,
Joanne

mp327

StruTanToot--
I believe we've already met on another site, but I'm glad you have found this one as well. I understand what you are saying, as I felt the same way when I was diagnosed. I didn't want to tell anyone. However, when I mentioned to my colorectal doctor that I was having difficulty telling people that I had cancer of the anus, she said I shouldn't be embarrassed because everybody has one! However, I do know of the stigma associated with this cancer and everyone's an individual, some of us with more understanding family members than others. I did not tell my mother, who lives about 600 miles from me, that I had cancer until about 2 1/2 months after my treatment ended. It wasn't because of embarrassment, but because she is quite a pessimist when it comes to cancer survival. I felt that I could not handle any negativity. You are not under any obligation to tell anyone, but your hand might be forced if your SIL figures it out. Just be honest. None of us asked for this cancer and it is not a form of punishment because of anything we've done. I know you want and need your family's support and I hope you'll get it when they are told. You might be pleasantly surprised.

As for other treatment options, I know of none that are tried and true, other than chemo/radiation, which has a very high rate of success. It is not an easy road, but relatively short in comparison with treatment for other types of cancer. You will be able to get through it and healing happens pretty quickly.

You can count on the wonderful folks on this site for support. Just tell us what you need from us and we'll do our best to be there for you. I wish you all the very best.

RoseC

I can understand your not
I can understand your not wanting to tell your family. In another post you said that your family has never accepted the fact that you're gay. With anal cancer the possibility that they will connect the cancer with being gay, something that they've never accepted, may be very possible. The problem is, though, that your sister-in-law may find out what it is and then the cat'll be out of the bag anyway.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I just wanted to say that although it is important to get the word out about anal cancer, not everyone has to be a spokesperson. There are so many different life-type situations and none of us can totally understand what someone else is going through. If you decide to tell your family, I surely hope they will understand. If you decide not to tell them, it's okay. Just keep that sister-in-law in the dark. I tried to find another cancer that has the same protocol but couldn't. Besides, you'll probably be asking for trouble if you get any more specific. I'm not advocating lying, just not telling ALL the details. Others may not agree with me but that's okay. You gotta live this life you have and different circumstances call for different measures of living that life.

Dog Girl

newly diagnosed and don't want to tell
Stu Stan Toot,

I totally agree with what Rose C. says. This is such a personal thing and not everyone has to be the spokesperson for anal cancer from Day one or ever. Personally I was very open about it with friends, family, and even co-workers, but that is just my personality. ( was dx and treated in 2009,) The only people I didn't tell were my parents as they were elderly and I thought it would just be too much, for my mother in particular, to bear. My mother just recently passed away never knowing, and my sister recently shared the fact that I had had anal cancer with my Dad (who is now 86) because he was complaining about me being in the bathroom when he was wanting us to go somewhere. He never said anything to me about it. He probably figures I'm OK now, and he has his own issues with which he needs to deal. HA!

Do you still live in the same small town as your parents and will your treatments be there or elsewhere? I'm asking because you probably need to get your support group lined up as you may need help with driving to appointments (fatigue is likely), etc.. and if you can't count on your family, talk to friends. Also the cancer society can help with various things like transport, temporary house cleaning, etc... Check with the center/office where you will be receiving treatment. The HIPPA laws are suppose to keep medical info
condifential, but I also now how things go in a small town as well.

Would saying you have rectal or colo-rectal cancer make you feel any better? Until I got it I wouldn't have known the difference between rectal and anal cancer, so it may not accomplish your goal. You can always reply with a very nice "Why do you ask?" and also that "You're not comfortable discussing the details; you are just focusing on getting through the treatments." If they ask again what are the treatments you can either say chemo & radiation or repeat that "Your'e not comfotable discussing the details..." You're going to come to the realization however that you have no control over what people are going to think no matter if you refrain from saying anything or tell them something even if it isn't quite "the whole truth". I hope that regardless your family will rally around you because bottom line is you have cancer. The bright side is that while intense, the treatments are fairly short and there is an excellent chance of survival which after all is the most important aspect. Good luck and I'll be praying for you. (I'm one of those religious types that thinks Gay-Smay, we're all God's children. And there are lots of us like this out here too btw.)

StruTanToot

RoseC said:

I can understand your not
I can understand your not wanting to tell your family. In another post you said that your family has never accepted the fact that you're gay. With anal cancer the possibility that they will connect the cancer with being gay, something that they've never accepted, may be very possible. The problem is, though, that your sister-in-law may find out what it is and then the cat'll be out of the bag anyway.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I just wanted to say that although it is important to get the word out about anal cancer, not everyone has to be a spokesperson. There are so many different life-type situations and none of us can totally understand what someone else is going through. If you decide to tell your family, I surely hope they will understand. If you decide not to tell them, it's okay. Just keep that sister-in-law in the dark. I tried to find another cancer that has the same protocol but couldn't. Besides, you'll probably be asking for trouble if you get any more specific. I'm not advocating lying, just not telling ALL the details. Others may not agree with me but that's okay. You gotta live this life you have and different circumstances call for different measures of living that life.

Thank you
I'm so grateful for the understanding responses I've received and the advice. You wonderful, caring people are already giving me strength. Some of my tears now are falling because of your support and kindnesses.

A couple of things...

I no longer live in the same small town as my folks. Fortunately, I live in Raleigh, which is the capital of NC. I have appointments at both UNC and Duke Cancer Centers. If anyone has any knowledge about which center might be better, please let me know. It appears that both are excellent and one offers something that the other one doesn't. Also, I think the two work together, so maybe I'll get the best of both.

I go ti UNC today for my CT scan today and then meet with the radiation oncologist. Next week I go to Duke for my first appointment. I had a good day yesterday and did a lot of research, but I'm feeling scared and a little vulnerable today because of the appointments. Again though, the support I'm already receiving here helps a lot.

Thank you all.

mxperry220

Guilt
I too had anal cancer 3 1/2 years ago. It sounds like you might feel better sharing your cancer situation with your family. This might relieve you from feeling the guilt of being gay with anal cancer. Then let your family deal with the "fallout". You do not need to be going through treatments with this kind of guilt stress. You are going to be under enough stress with the treatments without feeling guilty for being gay and having anal cancer.

For me I had and have no problem telling people related/nonrelated about my anal cancer but that is just me. Each person is different though. Hope this helps a little.

Mike

kirby77

StruTanToot said:

Thank you
I'm so grateful for the understanding responses I've received and the advice. You wonderful, caring people are already giving me strength. Some of my tears now are falling because of your support and kindnesses.

A couple of things...

I no longer live in the same small town as my folks. Fortunately, I live in Raleigh, which is the capital of NC. I have appointments at both UNC and Duke Cancer Centers. If anyone has any knowledge about which center might be better, please let me know. It appears that both are excellent and one offers something that the other one doesn't. Also, I think the two work together, so maybe I'll get the best of both.

I go ti UNC today for my CT scan today and then meet with the radiation oncologist. Next week I go to Duke for my first appointment. I had a good day yesterday and did a lot of research, but I'm feeling scared and a little vulnerable today because of the appointments. Again though, the support I'm already receiving here helps a lot.

Thank you all.

I am right there with you, similiar story.
I am sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. I too recently joined this forum and recieved alot of support. I too was faced with the shame of having anal cancer and the stigma is associated with gay men who have anal sex.

I just had my CT a week ago, and only today a barium enema. I hope that I can now get on with my treatments. I am anxious to get back my life.

I am glad you have some treatment facility options, I have an HMO and it's one approval on approval. I am grateful to have insurance, I can't imagine navigating without it. The treatment seems pretty straight forward;rather everyone gets the same thing.

I am hoping I can start my radiation and chemotherapy next week. My initial CT showed some stenonis, so I was held up.

Although we are on opposite coast, I am sending you my support. I am ever so thankful to the discussion board and all of it's respondents.

eihtak

Welcome
Welcome to our family. I've said it before, but once again, we don't choose our families and that holds true for this one. In my case I am soooo happy to have found this one. I am almost 1.5 years post treatment and remember those first days after diagnoses. My children, mostly in their 20's had a hard time telling some of their friends what I had so until more comfortable and also more educated, just said their mom had "lower colon cancer"...the anus is pretty low, yet was a term that satisfied everyone. Now, they have come around to helping get the word out and educate others and also make the word anus not seem so taboo. Trust that things have a way of working out, and please keep us posted. I will surely have you in my thoughts and prayers to move forward with strength to a quick recovery.

sissy310

StruTanToot said:

Thank you
I'm so grateful for the understanding responses I've received and the advice. You wonderful, caring people are already giving me strength. Some of my tears now are falling because of your support and kindnesses.

A couple of things...

I no longer live in the same small town as my folks. Fortunately, I live in Raleigh, which is the capital of NC. I have appointments at both UNC and Duke Cancer Centers. If anyone has any knowledge about which center might be better, please let me know. It appears that both are excellent and one offers something that the other one doesn't. Also, I think the two work together, so maybe I'll get the best of both.

I go ti UNC today for my CT scan today and then meet with the radiation oncologist. Next week I go to Duke for my first appointment. I had a good day yesterday and did a lot of research, but I'm feeling scared and a little vulnerable today because of the appointments. Again though, the support I'm already receiving here helps a lot.

Thank you all.

Rose said it quite
Rose said it quite succinctly so I will just ditto what she said. I will defer to others about the cancer center as I am located in Minnesota. However, I did want to tell you that that everyone on this site is caring and understanding and highly supportive of what you feel and are going through and I say that from being where you are two years ago and coming in here to some wonderful wonderful people. Is there anyone where you live now that will be there to support you through the treatment? It is understandable that you are feeling scared of the unknown at this point. I remember how frightened I was...but everyone on this site encouraged me and stood by me throughout...when I had good days and when I had bad, it didn't matter. So, some in here when you need us to give you a cyber hug or help you get through what you need to get through. Marilyne

MyHopen413

Please don't apologize for
Please don't apologize for having difficulty telling your family, or whomever, what type of cancer you have. It's OK. Everyone works through this in stages. If your family figures it out and they choose not to be supportive then that will be tough. They may, however, be very supportive. Support is important, so I pray you have other people around you that will support you. I didn't tell hardly anyone exactly what type of cancer I had. I usually would tell people if they would ask that it was found at my first colonoscopy, which gave me the opportunity to encourage everyone to have a colonoscopy if they hadn't done so yet. Usually the people who would ask were just nosy. The people who really cared didn't ask. That was my experience, others probably had other experiences.
You are going to be OK. You'll come through this experience and come out on the other side happier and healthier. That may sound nuts right now, but I find it to be true. Saying a special prayer for you.
Diane

StruTanToot

MyHopen413 said:

Please don't apologize for
Please don't apologize for having difficulty telling your family, or whomever, what type of cancer you have. It's OK. Everyone works through this in stages. If your family figures it out and they choose not to be supportive then that will be tough. They may, however, be very supportive. Support is important, so I pray you have other people around you that will support you. I didn't tell hardly anyone exactly what type of cancer I had. I usually would tell people if they would ask that it was found at my first colonoscopy, which gave me the opportunity to encourage everyone to have a colonoscopy if they hadn't done so yet. Usually the people who would ask were just nosy. The people who really cared didn't ask. That was my experience, others probably had other experiences.
You are going to be OK. You'll come through this experience and come out on the other side happier and healthier. That may sound nuts right now, but I find it to be true. Saying a special prayer for you.
Diane

thank you all so much
To each and every one of you...thank you for your support and suggestions. I simply decided to tell my family that I have colorectal cancer and that's as much as I want to go into it.

I told my brother with the nurse for his wife that I'm a private person and have told him as much as I'm comfortable telling him at this point. He responded very well.

Finally...I received good news from my CT scan and the radiation oncologist. I'm stage one, so I know I'm very blessed.

Thanks again to all of you. I do feel like I have another family on this site.

sephie

StruTanToot said:

thank you all so much
To each and every one of you...thank you for your support and suggestions. I simply decided to tell my family that I have colorectal cancer and that's as much as I want to go into it.

I told my brother with the nurse for his wife that I'm a private person and have told him as much as I'm comfortable telling him at this point. He responded very well.

Finally...I received good news from my CT scan and the radiation oncologist. I'm stage one, so I know I'm very blessed.

Thanks again to all of you. I do feel like I have another family on this site.

yea
you are so blessed that it is stage one. yea for you. you will beat this thing. go for it. sephie

mp327

StruTanToot said:

thank you all so much
To each and every one of you...thank you for your support and suggestions. I simply decided to tell my family that I have colorectal cancer and that's as much as I want to go into it.

I told my brother with the nurse for his wife that I'm a private person and have told him as much as I'm comfortable telling him at this point. He responded very well.

Finally...I received good news from my CT scan and the radiation oncologist. I'm stage one, so I know I'm very blessed.

Thanks again to all of you. I do feel like I have another family on this site.

StruTanToot
I'm so glad to hear that your CT scan shows stage I--that is such encouraging news! You will beat this!

StruTanToot

sephie said:

yea
you are so blessed that it is stage one. yea for you. you will beat this thing. go for it. sephie

Thank you Sephie. I know I'm
Thank you Sephie. I know I'm very blessed and, at some point, I hope I will be able to give the same type of support everyone on this site is giving me.

StruTanToot

mp327 said:

StruTanToot
I'm so glad to hear that your CT scan shows stage I--that is such encouraging news! You will beat this!

Thank you...your
Thank you...your encouragement means the world to me.

torrance

StruTanToot said:

thank you all so much
To each and every one of you...thank you for your support and suggestions. I simply decided to tell my family that I have colorectal cancer and that's as much as I want to go into it.

I told my brother with the nurse for his wife that I'm a private person and have told him as much as I'm comfortable telling him at this point. He responded very well.

Finally...I received good news from my CT scan and the radiation oncologist. I'm stage one, so I know I'm very blessed.

Thanks again to all of you. I do feel like I have another family on this site.

YEA!
Hopefully this stage one diagnosis will relieve some of your stress, and therefore be in better emotional shape to face your upcoming battle. Get your support system lined up, you will need them. I pray you find comfort in your treatment team and can get started right away. Thanks for keeping us posted.

Joanne

StruTanToot

torrance said:

YEA!
Hopefully this stage one diagnosis will relieve some of your stress, and therefore be in better emotional shape to face your upcoming battle. Get your support system lined up, you will need them. I pray you find comfort in your treatment team and can get started right away. Thanks for keeping us posted.

Joanne

Thank you Joanne.
I received
Thank you Joanne.

I received my second opinion today and the doc said he is not ready to stage it. He wants me to have a PET Scan first.

I've been to UNC and Duke. UNC did not mention a PET Scan, so that tells me Duke is being more thorough. Therefore, I have decided to seek treatment at Duke.

The other thing is that UNC wanted to use 3D radiation. Duke will most likely use IMRT. Now I'm worried about which one is best since both UNC and Duke are excellent cancer centers but have different opinions.

I'm scared all over again. Hard day.

mp327

StruTanToot said:

Thank you Joanne.
I received
Thank you Joanne.

I received my second opinion today and the doc said he is not ready to stage it. He wants me to have a PET Scan first.

I've been to UNC and Duke. UNC did not mention a PET Scan, so that tells me Duke is being more thorough. Therefore, I have decided to seek treatment at Duke.

The other thing is that UNC wanted to use 3D radiation. Duke will most likely use IMRT. Now I'm worried about which one is best since both UNC and Duke are excellent cancer centers but have different opinions.

I'm scared all over again. Hard day.

3D vs IMRT
I think you are making the right decision by having your treatment at Duke so you can receive IMRT. IMRT can be more targeted to the tumor and lessen the damage to surrounding tissue. Also, a staging PET scan is a very good idea. If I were in your situation, I would be choosing Duke hands down. I wish you all the best!

Jennifa

Do not be ashamed
Hi there
I dont think you have to worry, anyone can get anal cancer.
Im not sure what else to say, maybe you think they will think that
but anal cancer is on the rise. I am straight and I have it.
Worring what people think on how I got this is the least
of my concerns. Hit me up if youd like to talk~

torrance

StruTanToot said:

Thank you Joanne.
I received
Thank you Joanne.

I received my second opinion today and the doc said he is not ready to stage it. He wants me to have a PET Scan first.

I've been to UNC and Duke. UNC did not mention a PET Scan, so that tells me Duke is being more thorough. Therefore, I have decided to seek treatment at Duke.

The other thing is that UNC wanted to use 3D radiation. Duke will most likely use IMRT. Now I'm worried about which one is best since both UNC and Duke are excellent cancer centers but have different opinions.

I'm scared all over again. Hard day.

Go Duke!
I support your decesion to go with Duke. Everything I have read, learned and discussed with my rad onc says IMRT is the way to go. Also the pet scan can detect if there is any cancer in lymph nodes. Try not to be scared, it won't help you cope. Do what you are doing, seek support and guidance from those that you trust.

Joanne