I'm back on the merry-go-round

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missrenee
missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
Last week I went to the rad. onc. for measuring, marking, etc. to starts rads to my T-12, L-1 vertebrae. My husband offered to come with me, but I said, no--I can do this, it's no big deal. Well, as soon as I layed down on the table and saw the familiar faces of the techs again, the flood gates opened and I cried like a baby. It was so symbolic of me being "sick" again and was very emotional. I felt so embarrassed, but they were so comforting and said it happens a lot. I just didn't expect to react that way.

Anyway, went for my first of 14 treatments yesterday and it went well. No tears this time.

I have not gotten my results from the bone biopsy yet. I'm not really anxious--we already know it's cancer, just making sure it's still from breast. When I see my onc. after rads are done, I will find out what treatment plan she has come up with.

By the way, I'm on the pretty white horse with the flying mane and beautiful colors--charging to victory!

Hugs, Renee

Comments

  • Frankie Shannon
    Frankie Shannon Member Posts: 457
    #2
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    Sounds like a reaction from
    Sounds like a reaction from all your stress i know when i went for my surgery i thought i was fine till they took me into prep then i did the same thing and they where also very nice and said it happens allot i didn't think i would react that way ether.What a great saying pretty white horse with the flying mane and beautiful colors-charging to victory what a great attitude.

    Hugs Frankie
  • GrammyKaren
    GrammyKaren Member Posts: 96
    #3
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    Frankie Shannon said:

    Sounds like a reaction from
    Sounds like a reaction from all your stress i know when i went for my surgery i thought i was fine till they took me into prep then i did the same thing and they where also very nice and said it happens allot i didn't think i would react that way ether.What a great saying pretty white horse with the flying mane and beautiful colors-charging to victory what a great attitude.

    Hugs Frankie

    Thank you for sharing that. I had that reaction too as I was in pulmonologists office getting ready to discuss node biopsy.
    I hope that getting the emotions out will have gotten you on a even keel. Its so important. Offering prayers for your restored emotional and physical vitality.

    Hugs,
    Karen
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #4
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    Frankie Shannon said:

    Sounds like a reaction from
    Sounds like a reaction from all your stress i know when i went for my surgery i thought i was fine till they took me into prep then i did the same thing and they where also very nice and said it happens allot i didn't think i would react that way ether.What a great saying pretty white horse with the flying mane and beautiful colors-charging to victory what a great attitude.

    Hugs Frankie

    Your reaction is very
    Your reaction is very understandable Renee and I am sure I would do the same. You've already been thru so much and now to go thru this again, it is hard, very, very hard.

    You know I wish you the best with rads and I am here for you Renee always!


    Sue :)
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #5
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    Ritzy said:

    Your reaction is very
    Your reaction is very understandable Renee and I am sure I would do the same. You've already been thru so much and now to go thru this again, it is hard, very, very hard.

    You know I wish you the best with rads and I am here for you Renee always!


    Sue :)

    Gentle hugs around you, Miss Renee
    You are so .. so strong.

    Your tears are a release of stress, tension, anxiety and frustration.

    Our journey and battles thru breast cancer changes us -- forever. The experience of
    radiation, or chemo (for some both) has a sufficient impact on us. The pain, our
    struggles, the fear, our loss of breasts cements a strong bond.

    Miss Renee -- you are on my mind, and in my heart daily. I pray that you will not to
    endure any struggles, or setbacks. You, and that wonderful flying horse will achieve
    milestones -- that will surprise your Medical staff.

    'Never give in, or never give UP'.

    I did start a new topic -- 'what to name your magical flying horse.'

    Gentle hugs -- and lots of love,

    Vicki Sam
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
    #6
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    Victory will soon be yours!
    Dear Rene,

    Radiation this time will make you feel better in taking the pain away. A deja vu experience isn't much fun. It does make us wonder like that old movie "Ground Hog Day", why back again!

    Before you know it the treatments will be over. Do hope your biopsy continues to show you are ER+.

    Fly away on that lovely white horse.

    Best,

    Doris
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    #7
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    Boy do I get your reaction
    During rads the first time I felt like an insect pinned to a board in a bug collection. So I said I was the black butterfly because I hated rads so much. This time my mesh mask made me feel like the stinky cheese in the cheese case that they shrink wrap and put in mesh so that the smell doesn't get on anything else. Just the way my brain could handle it I guess.

    I love your pretty white horse, what is it's name?

    Jennifer
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    #8
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    SIROD said:

    Victory will soon be yours!
    Dear Rene,

    Radiation this time will make you feel better in taking the pain away. A deja vu experience isn't much fun. It does make us wonder like that old movie "Ground Hog Day", why back again!

    Before you know it the treatments will be over. Do hope your biopsy continues to show you are ER+.

    Fly away on that lovely white horse.

    Best,

    Doris

    I would probably cry like a
    I would probably cry like a baby if I had to go thru rads again Renee. I am sorry that it hit you like that. Lean on us if you find you need strength and comfort.


    Hugs to you,

    Megan
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #9
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    Understandable~
    Oh Renee no shame in those tears trust me I have done the same! We fight so hard and we hate it when we have to strap on our boots and go to battle yet again! You are strong and on the days when you are less than strong we will be strong for you! We are here to raise you up and lift your spirits as much as possible. My daddy always said its time to put our poop kicken boots on and show it who the boss is (he was a Navy Seal he did not really say poop but i choose a kinder word) :-), I believe you are doing just that! Lifting you in prayer and sending gently hugs *LOTS OF THEM* your way!

    RE
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #10
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    RE said:

    Understandable~
    Oh Renee no shame in those tears trust me I have done the same! We fight so hard and we hate it when we have to strap on our boots and go to battle yet again! You are strong and on the days when you are less than strong we will be strong for you! We are here to raise you up and lift your spirits as much as possible. My daddy always said its time to put our poop kicken boots on and show it who the boss is (he was a Navy Seal he did not really say poop but i choose a kinder word) :-), I believe you are doing just that! Lifting you in prayer and sending gently hugs *LOTS OF THEM* your way!

    RE

    I just want to hug you!
    This must be difficult,indeed. It seems like only yesterday you were worrying about a recurrence and now you've started treatments. I'll hop on that merry-go-round with you until you're done. I'm going to post a photo of me and my bff riding the carousel in Central Park last September. Look! I'm riding the PINK horse. That's where I'll be Renne, on the pink horse.

    Suzanne
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    #11
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    grams2jc said:

    Boy do I get your reaction
    During rads the first time I felt like an insect pinned to a board in a bug collection. So I said I was the black butterfly because I hated rads so much. This time my mesh mask made me feel like the stinky cheese in the cheese case that they shrink wrap and put in mesh so that the smell doesn't get on anything else. Just the way my brain could handle it I guess.

    I love your pretty white horse, what is it's name?

    Jennifer

    Very understandable to have
    Very understandable to have a reaction like this. I remember with my first rad treatment, I had tears rolling down my cheeks too. You hang in there Renee cause you're going to win this war!


    Hugs, Noel
  • Jobi
    Jobi Member Posts: 211
    #12
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    Sometimes the tears are cleansing!
    I hate that you have to go through this again, but I know that you can. Just from reading your post, I can tell that you are a strong Pink Lady.

    Yesterday, during my first chemo treatment, I cried when they started prepping the port. I hadn't cried for a few weeks, so I too was surpised. But they we so comforting, and afterwards I felt better. I think that everything because very real at that moment!

    Stay strong and positive!
    Dorene
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #13
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    On a beautiful white horse
    On a beautiful white horse wearing the black boxing gloves! That makes such a strong image in my mind...only in my mind, your horse doesn't go around in circles. You and your horse move toward retaining and reducing the cancer with each step.

    Your tears are so understandable...mine tend to come when I am alone. I usually find that after the tears are gone, I feel a little stronger and more prepared to face whatever is next. I hope that is the case for you too.

    I also hope the radiation is working and you are already in less pain.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #14
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    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    On a beautiful white horse
    On a beautiful white horse wearing the black boxing gloves! That makes such a strong image in my mind...only in my mind, your horse doesn't go around in circles. You and your horse move toward retaining and reducing the cancer with each step.

    Your tears are so understandable...mine tend to come when I am alone. I usually find that after the tears are gone, I feel a little stronger and more prepared to face whatever is next. I hope that is the case for you too.

    I also hope the radiation is working and you are already in less pain.

    Hugs,

    Linda

    Linda - I love your image
    Miss Renee on a white horse with boxing gloves...
    I can just picture it and it makes me feel really
    good to know you got back on that horse again and
    are charging towards your victory!

    We are all on the sidelines cheering you on and
    admiring your grace and courage.

    Now there goes a horse I would like to place a bet on (:

    Love,
    Ayse
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #15
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    Double Whammy said:

    I just want to hug you!
    This must be difficult,indeed. It seems like only yesterday you were worrying about a recurrence and now you've started treatments. I'll hop on that merry-go-round with you until you're done. I'm going to post a photo of me and my bff riding the carousel in Central Park last September. Look! I'm riding the PINK horse. That's where I'll be Renne, on the pink horse.

    Suzanne

    Sending you gentle hugs!
    Lex

    Sending you gentle hugs!


    Lex
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #16
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    aysemari said:

    Linda - I love your image
    Miss Renee on a white horse with boxing gloves...
    I can just picture it and it makes me feel really
    good to know you got back on that horse again and
    are charging towards your victory!

    We are all on the sidelines cheering you on and
    admiring your grace and courage.

    Now there goes a horse I would like to place a bet on (:

    Love,
    Ayse

    sounds about right. I think
    sounds about right. I think the recurence can be harder than the initial diagnosis. yes I owuld bet on that pretty white horse too.
  • mom62
    mom62 Member Posts: 604 Member
    #17
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    Crying
    Renee,

    We all cry. We may not always admit it but we do. Sometimes you don't know when it will happen, other times you do. I can cry at the drop of a hat. It hits you when it hits you. You don't need to feel bad or apologize for crying. It's natural and normal. YOU GO GIRL!

    Terry
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #18
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    Don't be embarrassed...we
    Don't be embarrassed...we all deal with things in our own way..

    I am sure they thought nothing of it..

    Denise
  • Fitzpatrick
    Fitzpatrick Member Posts: 13
    #19
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    Been there
    I got diagnosed 10/2010, double mastectomy 2/2011, finished chemo 7/2011, breast reconstruction 12/2011, still on Herceptin until 3/2012. I still have times where tears roll down my face. Cancer/cancer treatments change us, there is no doubt. Although, I am finding we are all so brave, it's just amazing. When those tears come, it's OK, we are fighting for our lives here. We are emotionally & physically worn out at time. During the process, we will be emotional. It's a definite life changing experience. Good luck to you, accept those tears when they appear!

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