Don't know how to respond or how to even feel about this one!

grams2jc

Is she just plain jealous of how much you are loved?
It sounds almost as if she doesn't think her family would be wiling to help her.

You didn't call a huge family meeting and demand that all your loved ones fill your "dancecard". They told you what they were going to do.

It is so hard sometimes to be humble and accept what our families want to do for us.

Stop feeling awful, I think you need lots of distance from this "friend"

Jennifer

epark

grams2jc said:

Is she just plain jealous of how much you are loved?
It sounds almost as if she doesn't think her family would be wiling to help her.

You didn't call a huge family meeting and demand that all your loved ones fill your "dancecard". They told you what they were going to do.

It is so hard sometimes to be humble and accept what our families want to do for us.

Stop feeling awful, I think you need lots of distance from this "friend"

Jennifer

Carol by no means are you
Carol by no means are you selfish....I know If it was my mom I would do the same thing as your son....I love my mother with all my heart and the same way she took care of me when I was a child and was there for me as adult it would be an honor and a privilege to take care of my mother if she was sick..your son is doing this out of love not out of obligation...so please do not let this " so call friend" tell you otherwise...let him do this for you so he can cherish and spend as much time as possible with tthe mother that he loves....

Hugs
Eva

Double Whammy

epark said:

Carol by no means are you
Carol by no means are you selfish....I know If it was my mom I would do the same thing as your son....I love my mother with all my heart and the same way she took care of me when I was a child and was there for me as adult it would be an honor and a privilege to take care of my mother if she was sick..your son is doing this out of love not out of obligation...so please do not let this " so call friend" tell you otherwise...let him do this for you so he can cherish and spend as much time as possible with tthe mother that he loves....

Hugs
Eva

You are so blessed
Plain and simple. You are so blessed to have such loving sons and family members. Our society has become so self centered and you should be so proud that you've raised such giving children. I highly doubt that you're in any sense of the word a burden. Being your child must be a priviledge.

I'm so sorry your friend caused you to doubt your well thought out and orchestrated plans. She is a ****. Plain and simple.

Suzanne

debi.18

Double Whammy said:

You are so blessed
Plain and simple. You are so blessed to have such loving sons and family members. Our society has become so self centered and you should be so proud that you've raised such giving children. I highly doubt that you're in any sense of the word a burden. Being your child must be a priviledge.

I'm so sorry your friend caused you to doubt your well thought out and orchestrated plans. She is a ****. Plain and simple.

Suzanne

What else
can I say, looks like everyone covered it. Your "friend" is not really a friend. You are blessed with two wonderful sons and they are blessed with a wonderful mother. Selfish - never! Please don't waste another second worrying about it. Enjoy every second you spend with them, as I'm positive they do with you!

Hugs, Debi

VickiSam

Double Whammy said:

You are so blessed
Plain and simple. You are so blessed to have such loving sons and family members. Our society has become so self centered and you should be so proud that you've raised such giving children. I highly doubt that you're in any sense of the word a burden. Being your child must be a priviledge.

I'm so sorry your friend caused you to doubt your well thought out and orchestrated plans. She is a ****. Plain and simple.

Suzanne

This post .. allows so many to see
the ugly side of our disease. I applaud you for taking the cognitive approach, or as I
like to say .. 'bull by the horns' and making long term health and living arrangements.
Not everyone has loving family members, or children for that fact that would want to
take care of Mom, or Dad. There is no burden, in my eyes - just love and support.

Your children's love, knows not boundries. How proud you must be.

Allow no one to question your decisions - it's you life, and you are in control.

Strength, Courage and Hope.

Vicki Sam

Alexis F

SIROD said:

Without the support of family, friends this journey would be a very bleak one. There are many women in the same boat, I included. I intend to do the same things you are. Allowing your sons to be there is not selfish at all. My plans are done too.

Wishing you the best on this awful journey. Sending positive vibes and great hopes the MRI will show only an excellent brain.

Doris

I don't think you are
I don't think you are expecting anything Carol. Your family and friends are doing and volunteering all on their own. There is nothing selfish in this at all.

I wish there more I could do to help you. What I can do is to offer my support and prayers to you!

Praying for good results for you on your MRI.


Hugs, Lex

AngieD

VickiSam said:

This post .. allows so many to see
the ugly side of our disease. I applaud you for taking the cognitive approach, or as I
like to say .. 'bull by the horns' and making long term health and living arrangements.
Not everyone has loving family members, or children for that fact that would want to
take care of Mom, or Dad. There is no burden, in my eyes - just love and support.

Your children's love, knows not boundries. How proud you must be.

Allow no one to question your decisions - it's you life, and you are in control.

Strength, Courage and Hope.

Vicki Sam

I think your "very good
I think your "very good friend" who started you worrying is the ONLY problem. All those who really love you have made wonderful arrangements for your care and for not putting their lives on hold. It's a beautiful situation. Be thankful and enjoy. You sound like a wonderful person with many loving friends and family members.
Angie

laughs_a_lot

Carol
I have read some of your posts before about how your family and even ex-hubby helps out. You really have an awesome family. I beleive it would be an insult to them to not be included the way you all had originally planned.

Conversely there are those who know they cannot count on thier family for the amount of support needed. Those people do no wrong in making other types of arrangements. Each person knows their family best and arrives at the most sensible arrangement given the temprament of those relatives, and the dynamics the family has been practicing for years.

MsGebby

Don't waist your time
on stupid remarks. I guess some people say foolish things out of nervousness. Can't say I believe your "friend" is nervous around you or not. However, being a friend does not give that person carte blanche to say whatever she wants. Some people are born stupid. Some practice at it.

Listen, I think you have done a wonderful job as a parent. Your sons are beautiful people. Good for you! That puts a smile on my face.

My heart is saddened, however, to read your letter. I am newly diagnosed (4 months ago) and find it hard to read. What your letter did tell me is that you are a woman with much dignity and grace. AND it taught me how to be the same.

Although I don't you, somehow I feel I do. I love you for who you are and for your beauty.

God Bless You Carol.

xoxo
Mary

Rague

You would be selfish if you
You would be selfish if you denied your Son the opportunity to give back to his beloved what he is able to and wants to give.

I am a huge believer in family and doing what needs to be done (if it is possible) for family - to me that's what a family is. Or even true friends. 'You'/I do anything that is possible for family and friends. That said I do applaude you for making plans for when needs could become overwhelming for family to handle at home.

When I was DX'd Son (30 at the time) was planning on moving to another area - he had a good job lined up but decided he was staying here. There is no way I could have forced him to go. Between him and Hubby they took over everything that winter - house, cooking/shopping, horses,everything. As they said it I was to do all I could to fight the Monster and not worry about doing anything else - so I did. He did go ahead and move when I was 3 mths out from last rad and doing good. We raised good sons.

Let your family do what they can/want to do for you and count your Blessings - so many aren't so fortunate. Remembber you are the one though made them what they are - Job well done!

Susan

Gabe N Abby Mom

Carol, I'm so sorry your
Carol, I'm so sorry your friend put this in your head...it is her perspective. I'm sure that if your son felt "he is giving up so much by living at home to help me that he should be out living his own life" that you would know it. If he felt that way, there would be signs of resentment or regret from him. Clearly, you are not getting any signals like that.

You live such a full life, filled with love and joy...don't let those thoughts take any of that away.

Finally, if it is still bothering you after all this time and after all the pink sister input...talk to your son again. Tell him what your friend said and how it's impacting you, tell him you love having him home and why. (Now here I am telling you what to do! LOL)

hugs,

Linda

camul

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

Carol, I'm so sorry your
Carol, I'm so sorry your friend put this in your head...it is her perspective. I'm sure that if your son felt "he is giving up so much by living at home to help me that he should be out living his own life" that you would know it. If he felt that way, there would be signs of resentment or regret from him. Clearly, you are not getting any signals like that.

You live such a full life, filled with love and joy...don't let those thoughts take any of that away.

Finally, if it is still bothering you after all this time and after all the pink sister input...talk to your son again. Tell him what your friend said and how it's impacting you, tell him you love having him home and why. (Now here I am telling you what to do! LOL)

hugs,

Linda

Actually,
maybe this was a good thing. Both the boys and I sat down the other night and talked about it. They are doing what they want to do, and were upset with me for letting other peoples comments get to me. They have known her for a long time and they both feel that she has strong opinions on everything and are no longer surprised by what comes out.

It got us talking about a lot of different things, such as the real possibility of brain mets! It was a good conversation. They were already laughing about what it will be like if it does hit my brain, and then determined that happened a long time ago, by the time my older son and his wife went home, I was more than ready for them to leave. I was exhausted from laughing. So I am in a much better place! Thank all of you for your support!

I knew this was not going to be an easy road, but parts of it are definitely more rocky than I would ever have expected. But I have also gained so much from this experience, yeah and a lot that I could have gone a whole lifetime without!

Thanks Everyone,
Love and Prayers,
Carol

creampuff91344

camul said:

Actually,
maybe this was a good thing. Both the boys and I sat down the other night and talked about it. They are doing what they want to do, and were upset with me for letting other peoples comments get to me. They have known her for a long time and they both feel that she has strong opinions on everything and are no longer surprised by what comes out.

It got us talking about a lot of different things, such as the real possibility of brain mets! It was a good conversation. They were already laughing about what it will be like if it does hit my brain, and then determined that happened a long time ago, by the time my older son and his wife went home, I was more than ready for them to leave. I was exhausted from laughing. So I am in a much better place! Thank all of you for your support!

I knew this was not going to be an easy road, but parts of it are definitely more rocky than I would ever have expected. But I have also gained so much from this experience, yeah and a lot that I could have gone a whole lifetime without!

Thanks Everyone,
Love and Prayers,
Carol

My Dear Carol,
I know this decision for your son to take care of you has been well though out, and that you and your family are happy with the choices you have made. Just to add a thought, when my oldest son and his wife first married, she told him one day that she really liked being around me, and that I understood where she was coming from, especially since I was a Mother-In-Law and not her Mother. From the bottom of his heart, he told her it was a good thing she liked me, because some day she would be changing my diapers. I had three children, the oldest was my only daughter. Kelly passed away in 2004, and the next oldest is the son who I spoke of above. It has always been assumed (by him) that he was going to be my caregiver when the time came, and his wife would be by his side. As that was so long ago when this conversation took place, we all laughed about it, and the statement has been repeated several times since then. Now that the reality of my b/c is here, his mind has not changed one bit. Just consider yourself one of the few Mother's in this world that can lean on a child, especially being a boy, and know that you will be well cared for and never considered a burden. I am at peace with this thought, and you should also feel comfort in his thoughtfulness of you. Also, it has been said that we get back what we have given, and I am sure you were a teriffic Mom to your two boys. You all are lucky to have each other. As far as your friend is concerned, let's just hope if she is ever faced with such a delimma that her children will show as much compassion as ours. Hugs to you and your family, Judy

KathiM

camul said:

Actually,
maybe this was a good thing. Both the boys and I sat down the other night and talked about it. They are doing what they want to do, and were upset with me for letting other peoples comments get to me. They have known her for a long time and they both feel that she has strong opinions on everything and are no longer surprised by what comes out.

It got us talking about a lot of different things, such as the real possibility of brain mets! It was a good conversation. They were already laughing about what it will be like if it does hit my brain, and then determined that happened a long time ago, by the time my older son and his wife went home, I was more than ready for them to leave. I was exhausted from laughing. So I am in a much better place! Thank all of you for your support!

I knew this was not going to be an easy road, but parts of it are definitely more rocky than I would ever have expected. But I have also gained so much from this experience, yeah and a lot that I could have gone a whole lifetime without!

Thanks Everyone,
Love and Prayers,
Carol

Another of cancer's lessons:
Accepting and asking for help when you need it. And being honest about what your needs are.

That is wonderful that you discussed it with your kids!! And, let them know that you will be open to further discussion along the way!!!!

I would imagine that your friend has never faced cancer. She doesn't understand that in asking people for help, it makes your stronger, not weaker. Don't be too critical of her...I'm sure her intentions were good...she just doesn't understand the life altering that happens when you hear 'you have cancer'.

Dutch hugs, Kathi

aysemari

How well does this person know you?
I must say, I was really put off by the comments of your friend.

Now I just know you through this board but the last thing that
would come to my mind when describing you is selfish, the VERY
last thing. And I am kind of peeved at her for putting one more
worry and may I add so very unnecessary worry on your mind. You are an
amazing person, who has raised two amazing boys, not all sons would
do what yours are doing. And voluntarily?

Listen here,(in my best mom voice)you are an example of courage,grace
and compassion. You always take the time to support anyone in trouble
on this board. Let someone take care care of you and support you the
way deserve it. And don't have a doubt in your mind, this is what
family is for.You are teaching your sons, yet another invaluable lesson
that's how I see it. Don't waste another minute of your precious time
thinking about this. And I think you should take our word, since we
know where you are coming from.

Love,
Ayse

sweetvickid

Not much of a friend
Your friend needs to be dropped kicked to the curb. I think it sounds like she is a shelfish person who wouldn't be there for her mother if she needed her. And you know she won't be one to be there for you.

My mother-in-law was in Montana and me in Missouri when it was discovered she was stage 4 lung cancer. I spent the last three months of her life helping to take care of her. Nobody made me do it nor did I feel like it was an obligation. I loved her dearly and was so happy that I could be there with her. I was the one that helped her make all of her plans for her death since her children couldn't handle that conversation. I miss her still after 9 years and am so glad that I got to with her those last days of her life.

When that terrible day comes for my own Mother to die you can bet I will be there with her.

sweetvickid

Forgot to add
My mother-in-law has 4 sons and they all rotated staying with her and caring for her. And by caring for her I mean they bathed her, cleaned her diapers,and took care of anything she needed. All of them have spoken of how much it meant to them to have the opportunity to give back the care and love that their Mother gave them as children.

Sunrae

sweetvickid said:

Forgot to add
My mother-in-law has 4 sons and they all rotated staying with her and caring for her. And by caring for her I mean they bathed her, cleaned her diapers,and took care of anything she needed. All of them have spoken of how much it meant to them to have the opportunity to give back the care and love that their Mother gave them as children.

Carol, what an admirable
Carol, what an admirable woman you are. Your head and heart are in the right place. You and your family have a plan and no one else should interfere, let alone make such negative comments about you. I feel sorry for your "friend". Hope she never finds herself in your situation. She will be most miserable. But you, dear sweet Carol, you are in a good place, knowing what you want to do and making it happen. Your sons are wonderful and they're there for you. Have peace with your decisions and may you be able to enjoy all the days and years to come.

DianeBC

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

Carol, I'm so sorry your
Carol, I'm so sorry your friend put this in your head...it is her perspective. I'm sure that if your son felt "he is giving up so much by living at home to help me that he should be out living his own life" that you would know it. If he felt that way, there would be signs of resentment or regret from him. Clearly, you are not getting any signals like that.

You live such a full life, filled with love and joy...don't let those thoughts take any of that away.

Finally, if it is still bothering you after all this time and after all the pink sister input...talk to your son again. Tell him what your friend said and how it's impacting you, tell him you love having him home and why. (Now here I am telling you what to do! LOL)

hugs,

Linda

What your friend said was
What your friend said was wrong and in my opinion, she shouldn't have said it. Your son is doing what he wants and if that means living with you so he can care for you, then that is fine.

You've got a great family Carol. Let them help you.


Hugs, Diane

DianeBC

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

Carol, I'm so sorry your
Carol, I'm so sorry your friend put this in your head...it is her perspective. I'm sure that if your son felt "he is giving up so much by living at home to help me that he should be out living his own life" that you would know it. If he felt that way, there would be signs of resentment or regret from him. Clearly, you are not getting any signals like that.

You live such a full life, filled with love and joy...don't let those thoughts take any of that away.

Finally, if it is still bothering you after all this time and after all the pink sister input...talk to your son again. Tell him what your friend said and how it's impacting you, tell him you love having him home and why. (Now here I am telling you what to do! LOL)

hugs,

Linda

What your friend said was
What your friend said was wrong and in my opinion, she shouldn't have said it. Your son is doing what he wants and if that means living with you so he can care for you, then that is fine.

You've got a great family Carol. Let them help you.


Hugs, Diane