Update on Jack...warning...long and full of poor me's
Jack had chemo last Tuesday (5 fu) I stayed and waited for Oncs nurse to ask if we could go ahead and run the cal/mag just to see if it would help his arm pain and neuropathy.
He feels worse after this last chemo than ever...even when he was on Folfox.
I have been so sick that when he went for disconnect I slept right through him leaving and coming home. He said Nurse told him that onc said cal/mag wouldn't help and that he should take B-6. Maybe I'm stupid, but he had no neuropathy or arm pain when he was getting the cal/mag, why not just give it a try?? Jack couldn't remember how much B-6 she said to take, I meant to call her today, but again, to damn sick to get on the phone.
My friends husband is a physician, he told Jack to take 1500 of D, that it would work better...any thoughts here? I like Dr."friends husband", but he's not an Onc, i would trust ya'lls experience more than his word, and would of course clear it with Jacks Onc before doing anything different.
Jack, again, is saying "enough". I don't know what to do. I promised myself I wouldn't let him stop his treatments this time, if I had pushed him with the first treatments (not chemo, surgery) maybe we would have never been in this position the 2nd time. I guess there's nothing I can do, it's up to him.
I have been feeling so bad, I can't fight about it anymore....I just feel like he is making the wrong decision. Yes, it is his life, but I feel like he had an opportunity that he pushed away, then it (cancer) came back and he still had a good opportunity to beat this at stage 3 with only 1 positive node. I am sorry, but I feel that he owes it to me and our children to do everything, EVERYTHING, to beat this.
Maybe he already has beat it, I pray he's already beat it.
I just can't do this anymore. I am so tired of begging and calling and paying and explaining...and crying, hurting, fighting....I applied for help with the Healthwell foundation in Nov. Every Time I call I get the same story, your application is being reviewed. Good god. The way I understand it is if they do ever decide to help, they will only help while he is in active treatment, and I assume that means chemo...so if he's done, like he says, months of anguish trying to get his application complete and reviewed is for nothing.
I just feel so "done" .....I can't do anything except go get pain pills because I have no health insurance...I finally was denied Medicaid in Feb after applying in July of last year. I have no money for insurance for me and the kids...and there doesn't seem to be a thing out there to help.
I can't be out of bed more than an hour or two before I'm laying in bed in pain again. I am so nauseous....thought it was from the pain meds but even when I don't take them I feel like my base of my head is going to explode and there is such a pressure between my shoulder blades...I just feel like vomiting. Not eating much but have gained ten pounds, trouble urinating...over all flu feeling and the most annoying twisting organ feeling in my right flank that I want to get a knife and cut out whatever it is.
Docs say they've looked at, and removed, everything they can. Mentioned a bone scan and looking at my kidney then remembered "no insurance" and told me to come back in Feb. I didn't go, its almost 200 to see him...maybe this month.
I shouldn't be on here crying about myself, but it's all connected to being able to be there to support my husband who I know feels just as bad physically if not a hundred times worse than I do.
Thanks for listening, and I know you all have always welcomed whatever someone needs to vent about and for that, this board and all that are on it are forever in my heart.
The only thing I got out of watching the Oscars last night was the quote that they showed form Lena Horne...I probably have it wrong but it was something like " It's not the burden that brings you down, but the way you carry it. "
I'm not proud of how I'm carrying our burdens lately, I need to figure out a way to do better. I just really feel like I can't anymore...I'm trying, I promise, I'm trying.
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