I don't feel strong, am I failing at this "war"?
IF I could start running (plane, train, cab, foot, boat...) away from this enemy. You know, like you do in your nightmares, giving it every single thing you have? I would soooo RUN. I don't want to do this. I really do not want to do this. I have children. Who or what would ever put a loving mother in this position?
So, I am perfecting the actor's role of the positive, healthy, so strong and aggressive fighter who won this war. (double mastectomies means no breasts, therefore no more breast cancer opportunity "farce", which I actually believed up until a few days ago) The role of my lifetime. And it is all a sham, just a role, just an act. There is no truth. I have a 13 year old daughter who is by my side, watching this and I am not being honest. I am covering up --- every single thing. What if she finds herself in this position... she will not have learned grace and how to handle/manage/express catastrophic health crisis from me. The chances of my presence for her, throughout her life and potential bc issues, does not look promising from where I sit tonight.
I am expressing this to you all because I trust that you understand, to some degree. I hope I don't bring anyone down, but I'm a bit hopeless. (that was hard to write, but it is my truth tonight) A life filled with test after test, anxiety knowing that your days/months are limited, all while trying to put on a happy face? It all seems like such an impossible situation. I guess that's how you find the strength to LIVE each day to the fullest. Clearly, I'm no where near there, yet. But, that is my goal.
Comments
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I'm almost 2 years out now.ccincin said:Why
Why are your days limited? They aren't! There are so many opportunities an resources to help us! Don't give up on yourself sweetie! You can do this! It's not fun but we can make it easier! I hope the best for you!!!!
This disease takes us places we never considered and the fear can be overwhelming at times. It sounds like you are going through the stages of mourning the life you had. As humans, we may go through our lives not considering death and disease...not for us. Then wham. Breast cancer happens. First denial, then anger, then acceptance..sort of. I have 2 insulin dependent sons who are now grown. My older was 10 when he was diagnosed and now he is on dialysis waiting for a kidney. My younger son was 14 and so far he is doing fine. I go to a support group and when they asked me why I hadn't cried when I talked about my bc, I realized that bc wasn't the worst thing I had gone through. Seeing my children suffer was and is. So I understand why you want to protect your daughter. That's a good thing. However, you may need to see a professional to get the help you need to go on with your life. You may also be suffering from depression which is a very real issue for many of us. All those treatments and stress can play havoc with the chemical balance in our brains. Don't go through this alone. The boards are great, but you may need more than that right now. I did in the beginning.
Hope is real and believe me that it does get better. I'm almost 2 years out and I feel great. My life is back to my "new normal". I make better choices, and can say no when I don't want to do something. I respect and love myself. I know you will come out of this so keep the faith without denying your real feelings. Find someone to give you a hug when you need it and will listen without judgement. I have a friend who had bc 17 years ago. She is still cancer free and just moved to NC to live near her daughter and grandchildren. There is life after bc.
Sorry for the long response. I was very moved by your message.
Roseann0 -
You are a fighter!
You are expressing thoughts that many of us have from time to time -especially at night-(noting the time of your commment) and then a bright new day arrives and we begin again. Cancer is just one of those evils in the world that just happens --no rhyme of reason for it sometimes or for whom it picks on -the same as auto accidents or other illnesses. It is cruel but we can fight back and not let it rob us of living whatever time we have left in joy and peace. In fact not one of us knows when our time is really up on this earth. You can make precious memories with your daughter right now!. I am a religious person and one of the things I learned during this time is that I can pray for myself and others. I pray that I can have the peace that passeth understanding. That is from the Bible but I didn't really get it until this disease took my sister and then came to me. I will pray for you and the others out there. You are not alone!... And I appreciate your honesty.0 -
Change what you read hear
Change what you read hear and see.. Start looking at and reading the positive things and try to change what you are thinking. say positive things to your self. I know that can be hard but the more you do it and practice it the easier it becomes. You have to fight this emotionally and physically. You are also teaching your Kids how to handle the bad things in life and come out on top. Organize your thoughts. The bad stuff will creep in now and then. replace them with positive thoughts. Get out of the house. If you are just sitting at home and worrying get out of the house. Go shopping, to the park. See people. Do you work? You can go to lunch with a friend that you can talk to. do you have any hobbies? You can also read about all the survivors. You are not going to die. This is a major bump in the road but it is NOT a deadly crash. You are in control here not cancer. Don't give your power away! Take charge girl come on fight the fight with us. We are here with you all the way. Take a deep breath and lets go. I wish you all the best Kay0 -
from what I remember thesmalldoggroomer said:Change what you read hear
Change what you read hear and see.. Start looking at and reading the positive things and try to change what you are thinking. say positive things to your self. I know that can be hard but the more you do it and practice it the easier it becomes. You have to fight this emotionally and physically. You are also teaching your Kids how to handle the bad things in life and come out on top. Organize your thoughts. The bad stuff will creep in now and then. replace them with positive thoughts. Get out of the house. If you are just sitting at home and worrying get out of the house. Go shopping, to the park. See people. Do you work? You can go to lunch with a friend that you can talk to. do you have any hobbies? You can also read about all the survivors. You are not going to die. This is a major bump in the road but it is NOT a deadly crash. You are in control here not cancer. Don't give your power away! Take charge girl come on fight the fight with us. We are here with you all the way. Take a deep breath and lets go. I wish you all the best Kay
from what I remember the cancer you had has a very positive prognosis. I find distraction the best. the more you sit in it, the more it eats a t you. I dont get this cancer thing either but I gave up wondering why. (most days) sometimes I get REALLY mad and somedays I get really scared. Elizabeth Edwards dying really has upset me. I know this too shall pass. Better days are ahead.0 -
Help yourself
Candace, Of course it is hard not to think of the worst but we need to accept what we cannot change and do what ever it is to make it through this journey. For some it may be easier than for others. I don't think you filled out your profile so we don't know what type of BC or treatment you have? What I would like you to do today is make phone calls to see if you can get counseling. A pastor, priest may be the way to start. Even if you don't go to that church they will talk with you or your treatment center may be able to help you. Don't go through this in silence, reach out for help. Your insurance Co. may have a nurse line who can help sort things out or refer you to their councelors. Please do something today to help yourself to get through this. We have all been there, you are not alone. You will be present for your daughter throughout her life. Think positive. I don't believe you filled out your personal profile. I think I checked yours and it was not done so we don't understand exactly what kind of BC you have and what treatment you are getting.
Keep posting, we care about you.
Annette0 -
Candace, I believe we have
Candace, I believe we have all been in fear going through our journey. This will get better, I promise. You just realized the other day that having a bilateral mastectomy did not guarantee you that your would never have to deal with this beast again. But, on the positive side, you may never deal with this again. Now is the time to look at your lifestyle and determine if there is anything there that needs improvement; i.e. eating habits, drinking, etc. Also, making your docs aware of your feelings is recommended. Many of our sisters find that medication is helpful, even if only temporary. Have you had that appointment yet with your onc? If not, hopefully once you do, he/she can better guide you. Looking square into the face of our own mortality is something very few of us are prepared for. I can tell you from experience that it does get better and your life will get to a new normal. Mine is good and I now look at each new day in a different light; I don't waste the day any longer. You do not have to be superwoman, you an individual with fears and they need to be addressed. Sending (((hugs))) your way. Take care of yourself.0 -
Candace,
I completely
Candace,
I completely understand your feelings. I went through something similar, here it goes: I also had a bi-lateral after having cancer in just 1 breast, and 6 rounds of chemo. After chemo was over, I went into a mild depression. Feeling frustrated that I still looked "sick", that I still felt "sick", that my body still felt so tired and sore and much older than my 35 years. I started having anxiety over a reoccurence, over my mom having one, over my daughters having to deal with breast cancer when they get older, what if i'm not there for them if that happens? I was angry and depressed that I had to go through all this in the first place, that my mom has to go through it still, and that there are no definitive answers to all my questions.
I think those feelings we've had are all normal upon completing cancer treatment. The feelings I had started up about 2 weeks after chemo, peaked a month after, and have steadily decreased since then. I'm 6 weeks past my last chemo now & have to say I'm feeling better, both physically and mentally, every day. For a while it seemed like I would NEVER get my strength or energy back, and that I would always feel terrible. But each day I feel a little better than the day before. I truly believe it's a hard adjustment to a "new normal". We are coping with the breast cancer battle itself and also mourning our life before cancer. Give your body and your mind the time it needs to heal, surround yourself with positivity, and you will get there.
*hugs*
Heather0 -
I have a similar post....2005 I think.....we all do!
This cancer business is very hard on everyone...even we 'glass half full' gals!!!!!!
I will pick the one statement you wrote: "There is no truth". Yes, there is...the love for your 13 year old daughter....not much else matters...
Also, you mentioned about life being over...well, that's not a decision that is in your hands...6 years ago, I was told I had 6 months or less to live! AND, we start dying when we are born...no one gets out of this world alive!!!! We cancer patients are just lucky to have that truth thrust into our faces...so we can plan accordingly!!!
Another person once said to me: "Every day, when we wake, we have a choice. Either to have a good day, or a bad one. If we choose to have a good day, even if something goes wrong, it is easier to manage than if we choose to have a bad day!"
I am going to revisit my post here later, after I think a bit...but felt I needed to get this out there now...
BIG hugs, Kathi0 -
All beautiful responsesKathiM said:I have a similar post....2005 I think.....we all do!
This cancer business is very hard on everyone...even we 'glass half full' gals!!!!!!
I will pick the one statement you wrote: "There is no truth". Yes, there is...the love for your 13 year old daughter....not much else matters...
Also, you mentioned about life being over...well, that's not a decision that is in your hands...6 years ago, I was told I had 6 months or less to live! AND, we start dying when we are born...no one gets out of this world alive!!!! We cancer patients are just lucky to have that truth thrust into our faces...so we can plan accordingly!!!
Another person once said to me: "Every day, when we wake, we have a choice. Either to have a good day, or a bad one. If we choose to have a good day, even if something goes wrong, it is easier to manage than if we choose to have a bad day!"
I am going to revisit my post here later, after I think a bit...but felt I needed to get this out there now...
BIG hugs, Kathi
I'm off to Houston in a few hours to see my onc tomorrow. I have contacted a therapsit through the ACS here in my city, am waiting for her return call. I plan on meeting with her and a doc to discuss depression. I know I'm depressed and it seems to be getting worse. I do not have a job and have way too much time on my hands. I am sitting in this house most days. First, I was post surgery healing, now I just feel so ugly, freakish and sad that I don't want to leave my cave. (not to mention absolutely no stamina) I'm waiting for replacement surgery on the 29th. I've done all my christmas shopping online. Driving my daughter from school to activities is my only outing. (I keep my windows rolled up as I sit in the carpool line, not wanting to engage anyone in a conversation) Clearly, this is not healthy, but it sort of snuck up on me.0 -
There is always hope,ccincin said:Why
Why are your days limited? They aren't! There are so many opportunities an resources to help us! Don't give up on yourself sweetie! You can do this! It's not fun but we can make it easier! I hope the best for you!!!!
There is always hope, always! Never give up or you are letting cancer win, and, you don't want that, do you? I hope you are saying no right now.
We all have struggled and are still struggling, but, life is beautiful and we all have so much to live for.
Keep fighting and stay strong.0 -
Candacecandacemc said:All beautiful responses
I'm off to Houston in a few hours to see my onc tomorrow. I have contacted a therapsit through the ACS here in my city, am waiting for her return call. I plan on meeting with her and a doc to discuss depression. I know I'm depressed and it seems to be getting worse. I do not have a job and have way too much time on my hands. I am sitting in this house most days. First, I was post surgery healing, now I just feel so ugly, freakish and sad that I don't want to leave my cave. (not to mention absolutely no stamina) I'm waiting for replacement surgery on the 29th. I've done all my christmas shopping online. Driving my daughter from school to activities is my only outing. (I keep my windows rolled up as I sit in the carpool line, not wanting to engage anyone in a conversation) Clearly, this is not healthy, but it sort of snuck up on me.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone fights differently, everyone draws their strength from different sources. There's no right or wrong. You have to decide what works for you, and go for it. There are some women on here that know all about the cancer they have(had), the markers, percentages of recurrence etc.. I do not want to know. I told my doc I do not want to know the % of it coming back. Can't do nothing about it anyway. Do what you can, and let the rest go.
Don't allow cancer to consume your thinking. Think about good things, make plans, set goals. Dare to dream.
You may need meds to help you cope. Find a support group in your area. Whatever you enjoyed doing before cancer if possible keep doing it. Enjoy time with your daughter. Find beauty somewhere in the world. Realize you are beautiful, inside as well as outside.
Give yourself a hug. Take care
Jennifer0 -
Kathi is right
Candace, most ALL of us have this exact story. You're in the midst of it right now. The day I was diagnosed, I spent the whole day in shock, crying, my head spinning and before my daughter got home, I freshened up my make-up and smiled throughout her High School choir presentation the whole time dying inside. It was awful.
When I finally told her, I reassured her to be positive, that everything would be okay. I told her older brother the same thing and carried on this "facade" throughout all my treatments. I know for me, it's that maternal instinct of wanting to shield them from bad. After time they did see me every now and then, cry or struggle so I didn't shield them entirely. And they were very comforting. But whether I felt it or not, I wanted them to see me as hopful and strong...even if I didn't feel like it at times.
It's just hard, and I so know how you feel. The first year especially is just exhausting having to deal with so many emotions that can change from one hour to the next!
It might not feel like this now but you'll move forward. You know we're all here holding you up Sister.
I get a lot of strength and peace reading Scripture.
Warm wishes and hugs,
Sylvia0 -
back home tonightsea60 said:Kathi is right
Candace, most ALL of us have this exact story. You're in the midst of it right now. The day I was diagnosed, I spent the whole day in shock, crying, my head spinning and before my daughter got home, I freshened up my make-up and smiled throughout her High School choir presentation the whole time dying inside. It was awful.
When I finally told her, I reassured her to be positive, that everything would be okay. I told her older brother the same thing and carried on this "facade" throughout all my treatments. I know for me, it's that maternal instinct of wanting to shield them from bad. After time they did see me every now and then, cry or struggle so I didn't shield them entirely. And they were very comforting. But whether I felt it or not, I wanted them to see me as hopful and strong...even if I didn't feel like it at times.
It's just hard, and I so know how you feel. The first year especially is just exhausting having to deal with so many emotions that can change from one hour to the next!
It might not feel like this now but you'll move forward. You know we're all here holding you up Sister.
I get a lot of strength and peace reading Scripture.
Warm wishes and hugs,
Sylvia
Once again, thanks everyone. Just returned from seeing my docs. My onc practically laughed in my face at my "fear" as he dispelled and corrected everything I said. He did write a scrip for Effexor (antidepressant that is compatible with Tamoxifen metab.). I know nothing about this med and will do some research before I decide to take it or not. If he'd have given me Prozac, it would have been easy. Apparently, prozac and tamox don't mix. bummer. He also gave me some medical details about Elizabeth Edwards and her cancer, the cause, etc. This was enlightening and did give me some peace as I've never taken hormones. (for whatever that's worth) I seem to be clinging to random tidbits, but I'll take the comfort where I can get it, for now! haha
After my appointment I then went to lunch and met a woman going through esophageal cancer treatment (rad and chemo) before she has replacement surgery. (very interesting, they remove the esoph and bring up lower intestine in it's place - amazing) She is going to MD Anderson and staying in a hotel, she lives in Florida. Her story, which I have to say sounded SO horrific, yet her resolve and attitude were so strong and positive, really made an impression on me. She was awesome and there is nothing like receiving support from someone else in the trenches. One thing I did hear her say, a few times, to her friends that were all calling was "you have to have a really tough heart to go through this"... I wish I would have asked her what she meant by that.
It's supposed to be 90 degrees here tomorrow, that will make for a challenging christmas mood! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Much Love, candace0 -
thank you so much forcandacemc said:back home tonight
Once again, thanks everyone. Just returned from seeing my docs. My onc practically laughed in my face at my "fear" as he dispelled and corrected everything I said. He did write a scrip for Effexor (antidepressant that is compatible with Tamoxifen metab.). I know nothing about this med and will do some research before I decide to take it or not. If he'd have given me Prozac, it would have been easy. Apparently, prozac and tamox don't mix. bummer. He also gave me some medical details about Elizabeth Edwards and her cancer, the cause, etc. This was enlightening and did give me some peace as I've never taken hormones. (for whatever that's worth) I seem to be clinging to random tidbits, but I'll take the comfort where I can get it, for now! haha
After my appointment I then went to lunch and met a woman going through esophageal cancer treatment (rad and chemo) before she has replacement surgery. (very interesting, they remove the esoph and bring up lower intestine in it's place - amazing) She is going to MD Anderson and staying in a hotel, she lives in Florida. Her story, which I have to say sounded SO horrific, yet her resolve and attitude were so strong and positive, really made an impression on me. She was awesome and there is nothing like receiving support from someone else in the trenches. One thing I did hear her say, a few times, to her friends that were all calling was "you have to have a really tough heart to go through this"... I wish I would have asked her what she meant by that.
It's supposed to be 90 degrees here tomorrow, that will make for a challenging christmas mood! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Much Love, candace
thank you so much for talking about antidepressants that interfere with tamoxifen. i see a psychiatrist on weds and would never have thought to tell him that i will be starting tamoxifen!!
i dont feel strong enough either. i used to be tough but dont feel it anymore.
i have only known for a couple weeks that i have cancer and realized i am not one of those women who are gung ho positive, i am going to beat this, this will make me a better and stronger person who appreciates life more and thats ok. i feel what i feel, and talk about it a lot with my boyfriend. i am not all gloom and doom but just kind of get it through each phase with a lot of fear, questions, crying, and anger right now. i read a lot and they say its normal. but i am bipolar and its getting worse, so i know to get help.
thanks for sharing.0 -
I hope the Effexor will helpcandacemc said:back home tonight
Once again, thanks everyone. Just returned from seeing my docs. My onc practically laughed in my face at my "fear" as he dispelled and corrected everything I said. He did write a scrip for Effexor (antidepressant that is compatible with Tamoxifen metab.). I know nothing about this med and will do some research before I decide to take it or not. If he'd have given me Prozac, it would have been easy. Apparently, prozac and tamox don't mix. bummer. He also gave me some medical details about Elizabeth Edwards and her cancer, the cause, etc. This was enlightening and did give me some peace as I've never taken hormones. (for whatever that's worth) I seem to be clinging to random tidbits, but I'll take the comfort where I can get it, for now! haha
After my appointment I then went to lunch and met a woman going through esophageal cancer treatment (rad and chemo) before she has replacement surgery. (very interesting, they remove the esoph and bring up lower intestine in it's place - amazing) She is going to MD Anderson and staying in a hotel, she lives in Florida. Her story, which I have to say sounded SO horrific, yet her resolve and attitude were so strong and positive, really made an impression on me. She was awesome and there is nothing like receiving support from someone else in the trenches. One thing I did hear her say, a few times, to her friends that were all calling was "you have to have a really tough heart to go through this"... I wish I would have asked her what she meant by that.
It's supposed to be 90 degrees here tomorrow, that will make for a challenging christmas mood! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Much Love, candace
I hope the Effexor will help you to feel better Candace. And, you do have to be tough to get through this, but, you are, we all are. We just have to maybe dig a little deeper inside to find it, but, you will.
Hugs, Jan0 -
I am not the cheerleadersurvivorbc09 said:I hope the Effexor will help
I hope the Effexor will help you to feel better Candace. And, you do have to be tough to get through this, but, you are, we all are. We just have to maybe dig a little deeper inside to find it, but, you will.
Hugs, Jan
I am not the cheerleader type either. But not convinced I am dying either. I am in between. I live in the reality of what is today. and struggle to be positive. Yet people remark on how happy I look. I am happy and sad. but I want to waste as little as possible of my time dwelling on this. I never had much denial, so I use distraction as a technique. Keeping busy helps me!0 -
You cant give up
Girl, you cant give up, for you and for your daughter. I cant say I understand from your point but my mom had breast cancer and she fought till the end. I will tell you I know that you are so much stronger than you can ever imagine and I am prayer for God to give you strength and hope as well as healing. I will tell you something, I always do the breast cancer races and this last one I did I had just undergone treatment for graves disease they thought I possibly had cancer and I was so scared but stayed positive that if it was I was going to beat it. Well I ended up gaining a lot of weight and very unhappy about it and when I did the race it made me think wow I am so selfish here these ladies are fighting for their life and I am mad because I am fat. Well lets just say I dont put my energy into that anymore. So what I am trying to say is channel your energy in a positive way think positive thoughts. Give faith a fighting chance. Might I also add a great book is the natural cures they dont want you to know about, it has some good info in it. And remember enbrace your beauty you are amazing and strong and beauty is in the eye of the boholder. Jen0 -
I am the cheerleader typealmejen said:You cant give up
Girl, you cant give up, for you and for your daughter. I cant say I understand from your point but my mom had breast cancer and she fought till the end. I will tell you I know that you are so much stronger than you can ever imagine and I am prayer for God to give you strength and hope as well as healing. I will tell you something, I always do the breast cancer races and this last one I did I had just undergone treatment for graves disease they thought I possibly had cancer and I was so scared but stayed positive that if it was I was going to beat it. Well I ended up gaining a lot of weight and very unhappy about it and when I did the race it made me think wow I am so selfish here these ladies are fighting for their life and I am mad because I am fat. Well lets just say I dont put my energy into that anymore. So what I am trying to say is channel your energy in a positive way think positive thoughts. Give faith a fighting chance. Might I also add a great book is the natural cures they dont want you to know about, it has some good info in it. And remember enbrace your beauty you are amazing and strong and beauty is in the eye of the boholder. Jen
I am the cheerleader type and I try to look for the best in every person and in every situation. But I found out going thru my year-long ordeal, there are times when we despair. What brought me back from the edge was the thoughts of my family, if I despaired, what hope would that give them. I fell back on my faith to find hope and courage, and was able to pull myself back up and go forward. Seems like I'm still living from day to day, but I'm thru my treatments and know that each day bring me closer to recovery. I plan on enjoying each day. Time is always too short no matter what our physical age is. I don't have the time to waste to stay down, life is too precious. I'm hoping you find relief and help and the strength to go forward and be there for your family. You are not alone and much love is coming to you from all of us kindred sisters. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.0 -
I don't know if you are aSunrae said:I am the cheerleader type
I am the cheerleader type and I try to look for the best in every person and in every situation. But I found out going thru my year-long ordeal, there are times when we despair. What brought me back from the edge was the thoughts of my family, if I despaired, what hope would that give them. I fell back on my faith to find hope and courage, and was able to pull myself back up and go forward. Seems like I'm still living from day to day, but I'm thru my treatments and know that each day bring me closer to recovery. I plan on enjoying each day. Time is always too short no matter what our physical age is. I don't have the time to waste to stay down, life is too precious. I'm hoping you find relief and help and the strength to go forward and be there for your family. You are not alone and much love is coming to you from all of us kindred sisters. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
I don't know if you are a Christian, but if so, maybe going to church would offer some blessings. Hugs...Alison0
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