I'm a whiner
This is a rant. I'm going to tell you my feelings w/o editing. So, if you need something light, fluffy and coherent to read...skip this one.
I feel just really cranky and DONE with having breast cancer. I'm tired, I'm irritable, nothing tastes good, I'm constipated, I have eye twitches,I have chemo brain, I'm depressed, and I'M STILL going. Do any of you just feel like screaming sometimes? I try to be really positive,but the week after treatment I just feel irritable. I feel like I have to be nice when I don't want to be. Everyone is VERY HELPFUL TOO....it's not like I'm having a worse time than any of you. I just feel like I'm the only one doing it...even though I'm not. I read many of your posts that are MUCH worse than my situation and it makes me feel bad for being such a whiner. I just miss my LIFE....or at least the life I thought I had in front of me.
Today, I was sitting in front of the nursing home where my grandmother used to live. I used to jog up to see her every day taking 2-3 of my kids with me. We'd play,have lunch etc. My grandmother wasn't really sick a day in her life until the end. I miss her. I wish she could just make it all better. I never expected to be sick. I have always been the healthy one in our family. The worst illness I had was mono when I was a teen. Now...CANCER. It just seems surreal.
My best friend from HS (died from cancer) about 5 years ago. It was a real shock. Still...I never thought it would happen to me. I wish I could talk to her to tell her I can feel some of what she felt..now.
I was a Browie Troop Leader...and there was a little girl whose mother died of cancer...still...I never thought it wouldn't happen to me.
It's just really odd what life gives us. I have been coaching softball and basketball for my daughter for 5 years now. This is the first time I haven't coached. It's like a chapter in my life just ended.
My job is a great as far as work goes...I can be very flexible. Yet, half the time I feel like I can't really cut it. I've always been someone who takes charge and is able to handle things. I also feel like...what's the point?
Right now, I'm in the middle of treatments...and should be thinking I'm getting closer to the end. But, I have been thinking about...what if's.
My other best friend has had tons of health issues...cervical dysplacia, back surgery, seizures, ostheoarthritis, etc. Her husband has even had a liver transplant and a heart attack. Now, her FIL is having open heart surgery and her dad was just told he has weeks-months to live with brain cancer. Her MIL is horrible too. How is she holding up? When I talk to her I have to be the strong one.
Anyway..this e-mail is really just me venting frustrations. I hope you don't mind.
If you have a magic wand or some margaritas that don't cause breast cancer that would be a big help.
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