I'm a whiner

jennN
jennN Member Posts: 40
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi All,

This is a rant. I'm going to tell you my feelings w/o editing. So, if you need something light, fluffy and coherent to read...skip this one.

I feel just really cranky and DONE with having breast cancer. I'm tired, I'm irritable, nothing tastes good, I'm constipated, I have eye twitches,I have chemo brain, I'm depressed, and I'M STILL going. Do any of you just feel like screaming sometimes? I try to be really positive,but the week after treatment I just feel irritable. I feel like I have to be nice when I don't want to be. Everyone is VERY HELPFUL TOO....it's not like I'm having a worse time than any of you. I just feel like I'm the only one doing it...even though I'm not. I read many of your posts that are MUCH worse than my situation and it makes me feel bad for being such a whiner. I just miss my LIFE....or at least the life I thought I had in front of me.

Today, I was sitting in front of the nursing home where my grandmother used to live. I used to jog up to see her every day taking 2-3 of my kids with me. We'd play,have lunch etc. My grandmother wasn't really sick a day in her life until the end. I miss her. I wish she could just make it all better. I never expected to be sick. I have always been the healthy one in our family. The worst illness I had was mono when I was a teen. Now...CANCER. It just seems surreal.

My best friend from HS (died from cancer) about 5 years ago. It was a real shock. Still...I never thought it would happen to me. I wish I could talk to her to tell her I can feel some of what she felt..now.

I was a Browie Troop Leader...and there was a little girl whose mother died of cancer...still...I never thought it wouldn't happen to me.

It's just really odd what life gives us. I have been coaching softball and basketball for my daughter for 5 years now. This is the first time I haven't coached. It's like a chapter in my life just ended.

My job is a great as far as work goes...I can be very flexible. Yet, half the time I feel like I can't really cut it. I've always been someone who takes charge and is able to handle things. I also feel like...what's the point?

Right now, I'm in the middle of treatments...and should be thinking I'm getting closer to the end. But, I have been thinking about...what if's.

My other best friend has had tons of health issues...cervical dysplacia, back surgery, seizures, ostheoarthritis, etc. Her husband has even had a liver transplant and a heart attack. Now, her FIL is having open heart surgery and her dad was just told he has weeks-months to live with brain cancer. Her MIL is horrible too. How is she holding up? When I talk to her I have to be the strong one.

Anyway..this e-mail is really just me venting frustrations. I hope you don't mind.

If you have a magic wand or some margaritas that don't cause breast cancer that would be a big help.

Comments

  • contrail
    contrail Member Posts: 129
    Rant
    You have every right to rant!!!! None of us want to be here, and I'm sure 100% of us feel just the same way you do at times. Who ever thinks they're going to have cancer? We always look at the poor soul who has it, and thank our lucky stars it's not us, then suddenly it is us. My philosophy has always been that there are no guarantees in life and we have to do the best we can with what we're given. Cancer sucks!!! But, I've learned alot about myself and those around me during this battle and I hope that I'll come out a much better person because of my experience. So rant on, then pick yourself up and be your best!!! You're a strong person and you will get through this. Connie
  • elizarose
    elizarose Member Posts: 124
    contrail said:

    Rant
    You have every right to rant!!!! None of us want to be here, and I'm sure 100% of us feel just the same way you do at times. Who ever thinks they're going to have cancer? We always look at the poor soul who has it, and thank our lucky stars it's not us, then suddenly it is us. My philosophy has always been that there are no guarantees in life and we have to do the best we can with what we're given. Cancer sucks!!! But, I've learned alot about myself and those around me during this battle and I hope that I'll come out a much better person because of my experience. So rant on, then pick yourself up and be your best!!! You're a strong person and you will get through this. Connie

    I don't have a magic wand,
    I don't have a magic wand, but I wish I did. And although the names and details are a different, I felt exactly the same way you are feeling. It is hard not to live in the land of what ifs. One of my doctors told me that eventually, in the midst of all this, I would find peace. He was right. It's not an all consuming, never ending peace, but it does get better. For now, it's ok to feel bad and irritable and angry or anything else you feel. Wish I could give you a hug.

    Beth
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    Jenn you have every right to
    Jenn you have every right to whine. We are dealing with some harsh facts and medications. Seems like you were extremely active prior to your dx. Many of the gals on this board speak of a new normal. I havent worked since my last surgery of 8/14 and I'm pacing myself.

    I'm in my 60's but it sounds like you are much younger and that has to be difficult for a take charge younger woman. I think all of us are take charge, but now we need to take charge of our own health.

    Do you take an antidepressant? I do and it really helps. We all have days like you are having, dont think otherwise. I say this all the time, this is no "cake walk", this is BC. My faith and prayer also help.

    I gave up being the strong one, and had to let people know I didnt have the energy to deal with thier issues, because I had enough on my plate. Even though friends and family have compounded issues, some which may seem more severe than ours, still that does not minimize our circumstances. We are fighting a warriors battle within our own bodies.

    If you can, try to hang with some up positive people. I find laughter so important for me right now. When people start talking about my cancer, I change the subject.

    As cruel as this may sound, I dont want to hear about anyone else's cancer from a 2nd or 3rd party. If I want to know something, I can get just about anything I need to know right here on these boards or from my medical team. If I do share it will be with someone who is actually walking this walk and of course at my choosing, not at the suggestions of friends or family. I do try to take charge of my cancer discussions. If people really want to know about me they will listen, and if they just want to add their own info, I cut them off. I have to in order to get thru this. Hope this helps some as cruel as it may sound.

    Sending you a bunch of ((((HUGS))) Smile God Loves You!
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
    Hi JennN
    Hi,I know exactly how you are feeling.I felt this way mostley when I went through Chemo.Now I am 8days into my Rad. treatment.I still have my days of wanting to vent,but not as bad.I felt so bad with Chemo it effected my moods and thoughts really bad.Like you I was always active and since BC. its like my life just stopped still.I haven,t got to enjoy my Grandchildren much or really do much of anything.But I pray we can get our lifes back.I think we will in time.I don,t think life will ever be the same since BC.I am trying to get something positive out of this.I want to volenteer for the ACS.If I could help some people going through this,that would be great.When I get real down I look at the positive in my life and Prayer helps.Good Luck to you .Keep us posted on how you are doing Please.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • Lymph23
    Lymph23 Member Posts: 23
    No magic wand
    No I'm sure your not the only one to rant I bet nearly everybody at sometime has either wanted to or has. I lost my mum & sister both from cancer so when I got it thought wasn't enough they had both had cancer now you decide to let me have BC. But in a strange way I sometimes think this made me stronger and determined to fight even harder. What if's is something I think we live with but as time goes on not so much all the time. When |I thought what was the point I looked at my husband daughters & grandkids and they made me realise this was my reason to fight, I had to many things I still wanted to do . I have been clear 6 yrs now so I hope that this gives you encouragement to fight on. Try to be positive I believe this is part of the cure. Best wishes to you.
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399
    Lymph23 said:

    No magic wand
    No I'm sure your not the only one to rant I bet nearly everybody at sometime has either wanted to or has. I lost my mum & sister both from cancer so when I got it thought wasn't enough they had both had cancer now you decide to let me have BC. But in a strange way I sometimes think this made me stronger and determined to fight even harder. What if's is something I think we live with but as time goes on not so much all the time. When |I thought what was the point I looked at my husband daughters & grandkids and they made me realise this was my reason to fight, I had to many things I still wanted to do . I have been clear 6 yrs now so I hope that this gives you encouragement to fight on. Try to be positive I believe this is part of the cure. Best wishes to you.

    Not whining...just telling it as it is
    JennN, we've all been there. I have no magic wand, but if I did, selfishly I would use it on myself first. This is a difficult path to be on. All our sisters in pink have BC, but no one else has YOUR BC. Yet we all understand one another's pain, grief, and fears. So go ahead and vent. We're all here for one another to offer comfort and support. Hugs and prayers. Gracie