I feel very old today...but I'm not really old

m_azingrace
m_azingrace Member Posts: 399
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Today I awoke feeling old, used up, worn out. Maybe it's all catching up to me, and I need to not think about it so much? How do you not think about the THING that has consumed your mind? Everything seems to revolve around IT, instead of anything else. Even when I'm doing other things, I think about IT. I don't like that IT has derailed my train of thought, and highjacked my life. Is this the 'new normal' I've been told to expect? Does everything have to be about IT now? I'm tired of the tests. Tird of repeating the same information to person after person. Tired of hearing the same canned responses from people who don't really understand. Tired of the well-meaning friends who now look at me with new, sympathetic eyes. And tired of telling myself how much worse it could be. I'm a very healthy person. At 67 I have no heart disease, no diabetes, no arthritis, no liver trouble, excellent lung function, no kidney trouble, I take no prescription meds at all...heck, I'm the poster child for senior vitalilty...except for IT. Do I have a right to rant like this, when except for the cancer, I'm a very healthy person? The cure for the cancer can actually take away all my other good health in the process. Maybe I'm scared, and the fear is making me tired?

Comments

  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    Feeling tired
    m_azingrace,

    Yes, you DO have the right to rant like this. Personally, I find that writing (or typing) my thoughts down makes me feel better. There is something about taking thoughts and feelings and putting them down in black ink (or on a screen) that pulls the worries from inside me. Do whatever you need to do in order to feel better. I know what you mean about well-meaning friends looking at you with sympathetic eyes. I am going in for my surgery on 8/26 and I have only told five people at work that I even have a problem. Partially because this is a very personal type of cancer and partially because I don't want to have to field all of the (nosey) questions from co-workers who will ask things that are none of their business.

    I'm tired of all the tests, too. Just the other day we were on our way to see a genetics counselor and my oncologist when I broke down in the car and told my husband I just wanted to go home. Of course I really didn't want to go home, I was just tired of all the "stuff" I've been through lately.

    Go ahead and be scared and tired for a while. Then think of all the positive things you have - friends and your good health. I hope my post has helped you a little. Everyone dealing with breast cancer has, is or will go through some of your feelings at one time or another. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling and you ARE a poster child for senior vitality. I hope I have that few things wrong with me when I'm your age (in 26 years).

    Take care.
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    m-azing,
    This is not meant to come across as uncaring(forgive me if it does),but welcome to the world of having a cancer dx...
    Hopefully soon though you will be able to see that there really is life after cancer,but it's a new life!
    I always prided myself on being a healthy person-short of having thyroid disease-until the c-bomb dropped.
    Some of my friends and family think that I'm morbid because when they ask how I am,I tell them that I'm with NED-but I'm not necessarily "out of the woods". I think the only people who feel the way I and others feel are the people who have been there.
    I'm hoping that after a while you will see that you can still enjoy life and hopefully not think about cancer as much. I think my best times are when I don't even think about it because I'm busy living and enjoying life! I think it is possible to do that and not be in denial.
    And yes,it's okay to rant-especially here where we all "get it" anyways!!
    Hoping that life gets better for you,
    Patty
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399

    m-azing,
    This is not meant to come across as uncaring(forgive me if it does),but welcome to the world of having a cancer dx...
    Hopefully soon though you will be able to see that there really is life after cancer,but it's a new life!
    I always prided myself on being a healthy person-short of having thyroid disease-until the c-bomb dropped.
    Some of my friends and family think that I'm morbid because when they ask how I am,I tell them that I'm with NED-but I'm not necessarily "out of the woods". I think the only people who feel the way I and others feel are the people who have been there.
    I'm hoping that after a while you will see that you can still enjoy life and hopefully not think about cancer as much. I think my best times are when I don't even think about it because I'm busy living and enjoying life! I think it is possible to do that and not be in denial.
    And yes,it's okay to rant-especially here where we all "get it" anyways!!
    Hoping that life gets better for you,
    Patty

    Thank you so much!
    Wolfi and Patty, thanks for the encouragement. I already feel better, just hearing from you. It's overwhelming, to say the least, and it is taking its own sweet time settling in. I am surrounded by many strong supporters, and I know how important that is in every stage of this process. Thanks again. Gracie
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670

    Thank you so much!
    Wolfi and Patty, thanks for the encouragement. I already feel better, just hearing from you. It's overwhelming, to say the least, and it is taking its own sweet time settling in. I am surrounded by many strong supporters, and I know how important that is in every stage of this process. Thanks again. Gracie

    May I suggest...?
    Instead of repeating your 'stats' and 'status' over and over for everyone you meet, consider checking out CaringBridge.com. You can journal there and record what information you choose to share and update when you care to. And others can subscribe to your blog and sign your guest book. That way when someone asks how you are doing you can give them a cryptic, 'Pretty well, thanks. Check on me at CaringBridge.com.'
    God bless.
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399
    zahalene said:

    May I suggest...?
    Instead of repeating your 'stats' and 'status' over and over for everyone you meet, consider checking out CaringBridge.com. You can journal there and record what information you choose to share and update when you care to. And others can subscribe to your blog and sign your guest book. That way when someone asks how you are doing you can give them a cryptic, 'Pretty well, thanks. Check on me at CaringBridge.com.'
    God bless.

    Thanks, zahalene, I wasn't
    Thanks, zahalene, I wasn't aware of that website. I'll check it out. Gracie
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    zahalene said:

    May I suggest...?
    Instead of repeating your 'stats' and 'status' over and over for everyone you meet, consider checking out CaringBridge.com. You can journal there and record what information you choose to share and update when you care to. And others can subscribe to your blog and sign your guest book. That way when someone asks how you are doing you can give them a cryptic, 'Pretty well, thanks. Check on me at CaringBridge.com.'
    God bless.

    Circle of Sharing
    I just signed up for Circle of Sharing on ACS. I put in the e-mail addresses of the people I want and can keep them posted on my treatments and appointments all at once. This is good for me because I have family members who live very far away and aren't able to visit us. I think it will make them feel better to be involved in my information without having to call each one separately and repeat it over and over.

    https://circleofsharing.cancer.org
  • rainbow4
    rainbow4 Member Posts: 137
    zahalene said:

    May I suggest...?
    Instead of repeating your 'stats' and 'status' over and over for everyone you meet, consider checking out CaringBridge.com. You can journal there and record what information you choose to share and update when you care to. And others can subscribe to your blog and sign your guest book. That way when someone asks how you are doing you can give them a cryptic, 'Pretty well, thanks. Check on me at CaringBridge.com.'
    God bless.

    CaringBridge
    What an excellent suggestion - I wish I'd remembered about CaringBridge a few months ago. The 14-year-old daughter of a good friend had bone cancer a few years ago, and that's how they kept everyone informed on what was going on. I'd have used it for myself after dx in April, when everyone was asking. Now I'm past lumpectomy & sentinal lymph node disection, 7 weeks of radiation, and began Arimidex a month ago, and everyone thinks I must be "healed". Almost no one seems to inquire anymore. Maybe this is just the Arimidex talking - sorry for the "poor me" attitude today.
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    rainbow4 said:

    CaringBridge
    What an excellent suggestion - I wish I'd remembered about CaringBridge a few months ago. The 14-year-old daughter of a good friend had bone cancer a few years ago, and that's how they kept everyone informed on what was going on. I'd have used it for myself after dx in April, when everyone was asking. Now I'm past lumpectomy & sentinal lymph node disection, 7 weeks of radiation, and began Arimidex a month ago, and everyone thinks I must be "healed". Almost no one seems to inquire anymore. Maybe this is just the Arimidex talking - sorry for the "poor me" attitude today.

    Hope you get to feeling
    Hope you get to feeling better. Just don't let cancer consume your life or your mind. Look at all of the wonderful things in this world to enjoy, those including your husband, children and anyone else. Try to focus on even just the smallest things, like a child smiling, a butterfly on a flower, appreciate that the cancer is gone and you will live a long wonderful life.
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    Alexis F said:

    Hope you get to feeling
    Hope you get to feeling better. Just don't let cancer consume your life or your mind. Look at all of the wonderful things in this world to enjoy, those including your husband, children and anyone else. Try to focus on even just the smallest things, like a child smiling, a butterfly on a flower, appreciate that the cancer is gone and you will live a long wonderful life.

    My Mom always told me that
    My Mom always told me that you are as old as you feel. I am young and I feel young. And hopefully, even when I get older, I will still feel young. I refuse to let bc have an effect on how I live my life. I had a great life before, I got rid of the cancer, and now I am back to that same great life, free of cancer. I hope you can find some happiness!

    I hope this doesn't come across wrong either.

    It is just that sometimes we just have to grab ourselves by the shoulders and not let ourselves think the bad stuff.

    Hugs

    Leeza
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    Hi, I know how you feel.
    Hi, I know how you feel. Cancer is a huge thing to happen to someone. For me it was terrifying at the beginning and as treatment progressed, the terror turned into worry and anxiety.

    Three years from diagnosis, and I still worry, in fact I am getting therapy for my intense fear of death and cancer that has been with me now for the last 3 yrs.

    That doesn't mean that you will have as much trouble bouncing back from the experience as I have had. I think I am just stuck, sort of like post traumatic stress syndrome I guess.

    But please be patient with yourself, I think that as time passes, cancer will very slowly take up less of your thoughts and life.

    Unfortunately the tests and follow-up appts. linger and serve as a reminder, but with time too, they reduce in number. I suppose we should look as these appts. as reminders that we are well and past treatment(you will be too)! Hang in there, and come here often--we are here for you! Eil
  • Tux
    Tux Member Posts: 544
    Eil4186 said:

    Hi, I know how you feel.
    Hi, I know how you feel. Cancer is a huge thing to happen to someone. For me it was terrifying at the beginning and as treatment progressed, the terror turned into worry and anxiety.

    Three years from diagnosis, and I still worry, in fact I am getting therapy for my intense fear of death and cancer that has been with me now for the last 3 yrs.

    That doesn't mean that you will have as much trouble bouncing back from the experience as I have had. I think I am just stuck, sort of like post traumatic stress syndrome I guess.

    But please be patient with yourself, I think that as time passes, cancer will very slowly take up less of your thoughts and life.

    Unfortunately the tests and follow-up appts. linger and serve as a reminder, but with time too, they reduce in number. I suppose we should look as these appts. as reminders that we are well and past treatment(you will be too)! Hang in there, and come here often--we are here for you! Eil

    I also know how you
    I also know how you feel--seems so unfair. Just remember that we are always here for you!
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
    m-azinggrace
    HI,I AM PRETTY NEW ON THIS SIGHT.IV HAD 2 SURGERYS AND WAITING FOR MORE TEST RESULTS TO FIND OUT MY TREATMENTS.ITS A WAITING GAME.I HAD A BOUT WITH DEPRESSION LAST WEEK REAL BAD.AFTER A FEW DAYS OF IT I HAD TO TELL MYSELF TO SNAP OUT OF IT.BECAUSE I HAVE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME AND WANT ME BETTER.I AM SURE I,LL HAVE MORE BOUTS WITH IT.BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING IT.WE HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL DOWN AND DEPRESSED SOME.BUT WE CAN,T LET IT RULE OUR LIFES.I WANT TO FIGHT THIS BEAST SO I CAN SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN GROW UP.IT IS HARD TO SEE PITY ON PEOPLES FACE.LIKE YOU THAT IS WHY I DON,T TELL VERY MANY PEOPLE.I LIKE THE SAYING SOMEONE WROTE ON HERE.WE NEED TO PULL OUR BIG GIRL PANTYS UP.I.N THE LAST FEW MONTHS IV BEEN DIGONOSED WITH CANCER,COPD AND HEART TROUBLE.I AM AFAID FOR THEM TO CHECK ANYTHING ELES,THEY KEEP FINDING THINGS WRONG.I REMEMBERD YOU WROTE TO ME WHEN I WAS DOWN LAST WEEK.I HOPE I HELPED SOME.I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU TONIGHT LIKE I DO EVERYONE ON THE BOARDS.MAY GOD BLESS YOU.PPURDIN
  • djteach
    djteach Member Posts: 273
    Hi Gracie,
    I understand what

    Hi Gracie,

    I understand what you are going through right now. There has been some great advice given here and I just want to add one more thing. Sadness is normal and you can usually talk yourself out of it and it doesn't consume you. Depression, is a medical problem that can be treated with meds. and/or therapy. I know many, many, myself included, women that have chosen to have their depression treated with medication. Please call your dr., family, onc.
    whichever and check with them. Tell them that it is starting to interfere with all aspects of your life. You deserve to feel happy and safe again. This may help. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love and gentle hugs,
    Donna
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Hang in there
    Yes, the fear is playing havoc not only on your mind, but your body as well. It is very draining. I find comfort knowing nothing stays the same and these feelings will too pass. Hang in there, deep breaths and know you are stonger than you think and will pull through! Pammy
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    Akiss4me said:

    Hang in there
    Yes, the fear is playing havoc not only on your mind, but your body as well. It is very draining. I find comfort knowing nothing stays the same and these feelings will too pass. Hang in there, deep breaths and know you are stonger than you think and will pull through! Pammy

    Just try to think positive
    Just try to think positive and hang in there!
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    Feeling old today
    I am sorry .. I wish I had encourging words to make you feel better. "Old and Tired", is what I have felt since receiving my breast cancer diagnosis on Friday, 8/14 at 2:30 p.m.

    I am bumping into walls, just about killed myself driving over to my sister's house - 20 mintues away yesterday. It's all a DREAM, right? I am IN SHOCK.

    What I have been doing different today .. is spending 20 to 40 minutes researching, fighting my breast cancer in any possible way. I then allow myself 1 to 2 hours to take a bath, shower, or read a trashy book .. look at a vacation getaway package .. anything to get my mind off of the cancer. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I just purchased a T-Cup Yorkie on line. Yikes!!

    I've decided to clean out my pantry, and all kitchen cabinets before having both my breasts removed .. sort of a cleaning phase.


    I have asked each family member and close friend to 'not' make every conversation, or visit about my breast cancer. I have pleaded with each one to 'lie' to me and tell me how great I look, even when I don't.
  • lanie940
    lanie940 Member Posts: 490
    VickiSam said:

    Feeling old today
    I am sorry .. I wish I had encourging words to make you feel better. "Old and Tired", is what I have felt since receiving my breast cancer diagnosis on Friday, 8/14 at 2:30 p.m.

    I am bumping into walls, just about killed myself driving over to my sister's house - 20 mintues away yesterday. It's all a DREAM, right? I am IN SHOCK.

    What I have been doing different today .. is spending 20 to 40 minutes researching, fighting my breast cancer in any possible way. I then allow myself 1 to 2 hours to take a bath, shower, or read a trashy book .. look at a vacation getaway package .. anything to get my mind off of the cancer. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I just purchased a T-Cup Yorkie on line. Yikes!!

    I've decided to clean out my pantry, and all kitchen cabinets before having both my breasts removed .. sort of a cleaning phase.


    I have asked each family member and close friend to 'not' make every conversation, or visit about my breast cancer. I have pleaded with each one to 'lie' to me and tell me how great I look, even when I don't.

    (((Hugs))) to you Vicki, I
    (((Hugs))) to you Vicki, I was in shock also. I just wish I could Clt-Alt-Delete the cancer! I found out for sure on July20th the day after our 34th anniversary. I met my Oncologist Surgern on the 24th, my grandson's 11 birthday, and had my lumpectomy on the 30th of July. July was a month from hell! I knew it ws a possibility on the 6th of July, same day a motorcycle drove into my Honda Accord landing on my windshield ans spewing his chewing tobacco all over my windshild and roof!
    My cousin in California has been battling cancer also. She has said "I want people to look at me and see me, not my cancer"
    I wish you all the luck and hope everything goes well with your surgery.
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    VickiSam said:

    Feeling old today
    I am sorry .. I wish I had encourging words to make you feel better. "Old and Tired", is what I have felt since receiving my breast cancer diagnosis on Friday, 8/14 at 2:30 p.m.

    I am bumping into walls, just about killed myself driving over to my sister's house - 20 mintues away yesterday. It's all a DREAM, right? I am IN SHOCK.

    What I have been doing different today .. is spending 20 to 40 minutes researching, fighting my breast cancer in any possible way. I then allow myself 1 to 2 hours to take a bath, shower, or read a trashy book .. look at a vacation getaway package .. anything to get my mind off of the cancer. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I just purchased a T-Cup Yorkie on line. Yikes!!

    I've decided to clean out my pantry, and all kitchen cabinets before having both my breasts removed .. sort of a cleaning phase.


    I have asked each family member and close friend to 'not' make every conversation, or visit about my breast cancer. I have pleaded with each one to 'lie' to me and tell me how great I look, even when I don't.

    Awwww...........Teacup Yorkie!
    I want one! If you find you accidently purhased two, Vicki, give me a yell! Pammy