Lost my best friend because she can't handle it that I have cancer...

Reikigemgirl
Reikigemgirl Member Posts: 278
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I just got diagnosed on Friday with inflammatory breast cancer. I told my best friend about it that day and when we talked today she told me that she can't take it. Her mom died of breast cancer 9 years ago and it is bringing back memories and she broke down crying last night because she just can't believe that is what I have. In the same breath she said if I ever need to talk just call her. Why would I do that when she already told me that she can't handle it? So I apologized for making her feel that way. After I hung up I thought why did I apologize for having cancer? It's not my fault but yet it makes you feel bad for how it makes others worry who care about you. I'm just in the beginning of this journey and it already sucks!

Vicki
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Comments

  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    Don't ever apologize!
    Vicki,

    I'm not quite 3 months out from my diagnosis, and have found that it's indeed a bit of a balancing act between my needs and those of the people who care about me.

    Having said that -- DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING CANCER! It's NOT your fault that you have cancer, or that your friend's mom had cancer, or that your friend can't handle it. I think a true friend would have shared her feelings with you, cried with you, and stuck with you, even though it's difficult.

    Hang in there, Vicki -- as a lot of women on this board have already said, you will in the coming weeks and months probably find people whose support you may not even expect. Not everyone will run away.

    Traci
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    I know how you feel
    I am sorry about your friend. I think she will come around after she has time to think it through. You are right. You do not have anything to be sorry for. None of us asked for cancer.

    My brother and his wife took care of me after my first chemo session. We thought it would be too hard on my mother who is recovering from an illness of her own. It is time for my second session of chemo. My brother (mainly his wife) does not want to take care of me this time around because I am losing my hair now and I have a fungus in my annus. Both are side effects from the chemo drugs. My brother's wife is afraid she will get my fungus as I sit on the furniture and my brother wants me to shave my head so I won't shed my hair all over his condo. Ain't that a you know what. They are family.

    So it will be me and my mom against the world as it has always been as long as I can remember.
    That which won't kill me will make me stronger. It may not kill me but it hurts.

    P
  • Moopy23
    Moopy23 Member Posts: 1,751 Member
    Not your Fault
    Yeah, you do find out who your friends are, and family, too, when you get a cancer diagnosis. And you find out how much each person can handle, and what, if any, role he/she can play in your life now.

    None of it is your weakness, or your fault. It hurts when someone you counted on reacts selfishly or weakly. But, other people will surprise you with their care and support.

    Finally, I also feel heartsick for the pain I see sometimes in my husband's face, my sister's, and my dad's and stepmom's, and my friends. Cancer didn't just happen to me. The people I love and who love me are hurting,too. All I can do is be as strong as I can and as optimistic as I can. I can be a survivor. And so can you, Vicki.
  • traceyt
    traceyt Member Posts: 77
    Hold your head high
    Vicki
    So sorry to hear about your Dx, I have been recently Diagnosed myself. I believe that everything in this life happens for a reason even though we may not know why...people in our lives are given to us for a reason, a season, or a lifetime I truely believe this. Give your friend some time maybe she will find the strength she needs to help you through and if not you have found a wonder sisterhood of friends here that do understand and as I have been told are usually on here day or night.
    Keep us posted on your journey. You are a survivor
    ((hugs)) Tracey
  • Kayla1
    Kayla1 Member Posts: 101
    Moopy23 said:

    Not your Fault
    Yeah, you do find out who your friends are, and family, too, when you get a cancer diagnosis. And you find out how much each person can handle, and what, if any, role he/she can play in your life now.

    None of it is your weakness, or your fault. It hurts when someone you counted on reacts selfishly or weakly. But, other people will surprise you with their care and support.

    Finally, I also feel heartsick for the pain I see sometimes in my husband's face, my sister's, and my dad's and stepmom's, and my friends. Cancer didn't just happen to me. The people I love and who love me are hurting,too. All I can do is be as strong as I can and as optimistic as I can. I can be a survivor. And so can you, Vicki.

    Vicki,
    I too have a girl

    Vicki,
    I too have a girl friend whose mother died of cancer and it brought it all back for her too BUT she has been by my side from the start. Give her a chance to digest the news and call her as she told you to and see if she is capable of being a true friend. I hope she comes around for you! Never apologize, this is about you now!!
    K
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi Reikigemgirl
    Im sorry your friend reacted like that to your news. Maybe she never quite worked thru her moms death so long ago and having another person in her life that she loves with the same diagnosis just sent her over the edge. Please give her time. Im sure she will be there for you but your diagnosis just might be forcing her to relive everything she went thru with her mom. Meanwhile I agree with everyone who told you not to apologize for your diagnosis. None of us has asked for this

    Hang in there

    Linda T
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    Pillars & Confetti
    Hi Reiki,
    Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here. You will find an amazing group of people here who are going to understand every single thing you go through - more than we can expect from even the best of friends or caregivers.

    I'm about 3 1/2 mos into diagnosis and have been reminded of a valuable life lesson.
    There are Pillars and Confetti. The Confetti shows up to spice things up, help let loose, celebrate and just add "fluff". But the Pillars...they are the ones who are easy to overlook but always hold you up, offer you a place to lean, assure you they will never, ever move and help you build your character (while continuing to build their own). I believe most of us need to have both in our lives. And, occasionally, we're blessed enough to find a pillar wrapped in confetti.

    I'm not certain your friend's reaction is as much about your cancer as it is about her own challenges. You'll figure out her place in this. You have a lot on your plate right now, but as the days and weeks go by, perhaps your strength will help her to heal, as well. Also, I would sincerely suggest your friend reach out to other caregivers, as she is embarking on her own very difficult and scary journey.

    The halls of this message board echo with Pillars. You've come to a good place.
    Blessings,
    KC
  • missgogo
    missgogo Member Posts: 58
    Vicki
    Don't ever feel sorry

    Vicki

    Don't ever feel sorry for this. I have been down that road my shelf. Just take one day at a time and you will get through this. Some of my friends could not handle my cancer either.
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748

    Pillars & Confetti
    Hi Reiki,
    Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here. You will find an amazing group of people here who are going to understand every single thing you go through - more than we can expect from even the best of friends or caregivers.

    I'm about 3 1/2 mos into diagnosis and have been reminded of a valuable life lesson.
    There are Pillars and Confetti. The Confetti shows up to spice things up, help let loose, celebrate and just add "fluff". But the Pillars...they are the ones who are easy to overlook but always hold you up, offer you a place to lean, assure you they will never, ever move and help you build your character (while continuing to build their own). I believe most of us need to have both in our lives. And, occasionally, we're blessed enough to find a pillar wrapped in confetti.

    I'm not certain your friend's reaction is as much about your cancer as it is about her own challenges. You'll figure out her place in this. You have a lot on your plate right now, but as the days and weeks go by, perhaps your strength will help her to heal, as well. Also, I would sincerely suggest your friend reach out to other caregivers, as she is embarking on her own very difficult and scary journey.

    The halls of this message board echo with Pillars. You've come to a good place.
    Blessings,
    KC

    what KC said
    That was a very nice analogy. And I believe what KC says is true.
    I personally have a friend who did not speak to me through my surgeries and Brachy. She finally came around after I started Chemo. I think she was in denial because she lost her step dad to cancer. It scares the people who care about us. She will probably come around, too.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    missgogo said:

    Vicki
    Don't ever feel sorry

    Vicki

    Don't ever feel sorry for this. I have been down that road my shelf. Just take one day at a time and you will get through this. Some of my friends could not handle my cancer either.

    Yes
    Vicki....... I lost a lot of my so called friends............they were NOT WORTH HAVING! Jxxxxxxxxxxx
    ]
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    tasha_111 said:

    Yes
    Vicki....... I lost a lot of my so called friends............they were NOT WORTH HAVING! Jxxxxxxxxxxx
    ]

    Swimsuit
    tasha, why on earth are you on the computer??? Didn't I read somewhere you were going to be in a swimsuit w/heels & tons of make up just enjoying the moment?

    Smiles,
    KC
  • aurora2009
    aurora2009 Member Posts: 544 Member
    KC that was beautifully said!!!!
    Vicky I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that you are never alone. I'm sorry that your friend is having such a hard time with your DX, but this is in no way your fault. Like the others have said this is something that she'll have to work through her self, and I have a feeling she'll come around.

    I just want to add that from this point forward you're going to go through many feeling of your own, some happy, some sad, but please don't let anyone bring you down unnecessarily. Keep your chin up and stay positive, You're going to get through this and we'll be here to help you walk down the path to recovery.

    Please come back often and share your story, This is the best place you can come for support and understanding, so glad you found us.

    God Bless

    Aurora
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member

    KC that was beautifully said!!!!
    Vicky I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that you are never alone. I'm sorry that your friend is having such a hard time with your DX, but this is in no way your fault. Like the others have said this is something that she'll have to work through her self, and I have a feeling she'll come around.

    I just want to add that from this point forward you're going to go through many feeling of your own, some happy, some sad, but please don't let anyone bring you down unnecessarily. Keep your chin up and stay positive, You're going to get through this and we'll be here to help you walk down the path to recovery.

    Please come back often and share your story, This is the best place you can come for support and understanding, so glad you found us.

    God Bless

    Aurora

    Ok so maybe, she needs time
    Ok so maybe, she needs time to. Maybe she loves you and also needs time to except your dx. Maybe she feels like she has the BC to. I know this sounds stupid, but. My best friend who has been by my side every step of the way has said to me. " I feel like I have This to " Its just a thought.
  • lmmo
    lmmo Member Posts: 56
    Kat11 said:

    Ok so maybe, she needs time
    Ok so maybe, she needs time to. Maybe she loves you and also needs time to except your dx. Maybe she feels like she has the BC to. I know this sounds stupid, but. My best friend who has been by my side every step of the way has said to me. " I feel like I have This to " Its just a thought.

    lost a friend
    I was recently diagnosed as well and one of my friends of 16 yrs after not responding to me when I reached out to her, simply said she is too busy with her kids as I should know. I never heard from her again :-(

    I guess this is when you really know who is a true friend. I am sorry for all of those that posted with similar stories....
  • brenda247
    brenda247 Member Posts: 124
    its not your fault
    hang in there do what you have to do to take care of yourself!! its not your fault and a true friend would of been there no matter what!! i went through the same thing with a friend and its not worth it!! i understand she probally cant handle it because of her mom but my mom had breast cancer 2 years before i did and it made me stronger.. take care of yourself and it will be ok!!
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    aztec45 said:

    I know how you feel
    I am sorry about your friend. I think she will come around after she has time to think it through. You are right. You do not have anything to be sorry for. None of us asked for cancer.

    My brother and his wife took care of me after my first chemo session. We thought it would be too hard on my mother who is recovering from an illness of her own. It is time for my second session of chemo. My brother (mainly his wife) does not want to take care of me this time around because I am losing my hair now and I have a fungus in my annus. Both are side effects from the chemo drugs. My brother's wife is afraid she will get my fungus as I sit on the furniture and my brother wants me to shave my head so I won't shed my hair all over his condo. Ain't that a you know what. They are family.

    So it will be me and my mom against the world as it has always been as long as I can remember.
    That which won't kill me will make me stronger. It may not kill me but it hurts.

    P

    Oh my word
    P! I've heard some pretty rude things done and said about some of us on here(Tasha's ex being one of the worst),but I'd have to say-what your brother said takes the cake!!How rude and selfish can you possibly be-wanting you to shave your head so you don't shed! That totally pisses me off!!And I doubt very much if you could spread your fungus by sitting on their furniture-plus your onc has undoubtedly given you medication for it,right?!
    When are people going to stop being selfish only thinking of themselves?!
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177

    Oh my word
    P! I've heard some pretty rude things done and said about some of us on here(Tasha's ex being one of the worst),but I'd have to say-what your brother said takes the cake!!How rude and selfish can you possibly be-wanting you to shave your head so you don't shed! That totally pisses me off!!And I doubt very much if you could spread your fungus by sitting on their furniture-plus your onc has undoubtedly given you medication for it,right?!
    When are people going to stop being selfish only thinking of themselves?!

    Well Said!
    Well said, outdoorgirl! I thought to myself..."goodness, what they are spreading is much worse than anything" Geesh.
  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    Welcome Vicki
    I am so sorry that happened to you. You have no reason to be ashamed or to apologize for your condition. You are strong, you are invincible, you are YOU! I only had my Mom with me for the duration of my treatments and I think we got closer than we ever have been.
    I hope your family comes around.
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member

    Oh my word
    P! I've heard some pretty rude things done and said about some of us on here(Tasha's ex being one of the worst),but I'd have to say-what your brother said takes the cake!!How rude and selfish can you possibly be-wanting you to shave your head so you don't shed! That totally pisses me off!!And I doubt very much if you could spread your fungus by sitting on their furniture-plus your onc has undoubtedly given you medication for it,right?!
    When are people going to stop being selfish only thinking of themselves?!

    P
    I felt just like

    P
    I felt just like outdoorgirl when I read your post about your brother and sister-in-law. To expect someone to shave their head because they are shredding when they are in the middle of the toughest fight ever is inconceivable. And in regards to the fungus infection, are you sitting butt naked on their furniture. And even if you were these types of infections are not usually contagious. I am thinking it is a type of yeast infection. My sister got a fungal infection under her hair from her chemo. And I get these fungal infections in a variety of places from the diabetes (when my sugars are not in good control). Your body is simply out of balance. How incredible insensitive of these family members. And this is about the nastiest, lamest excuse I have ever heard for not being their for someone. They sound like they deserve each other. I hope your brother knows that if his wife won't support you during this, she probably won't be supportive or there for him should he ever need her. My thoughts and prayers are that you come through this well and stronger. So sad that they cannot put themselves in your shoes and be there for you.
    Stef
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Vicki,I don't actually see
    Vicki,
    I don't actually see it that you apologized for having cancer; but you ARE no doubt sorry that your diagnosis has re-kindled the scary feelings/emotions your best friend had about her mother. It, in a perverse way, reminded me of something that happened over 45 years ago in my family. My grandfather had died of old age, and we were going to visit my grandmother. My mom told my then 4 year old sister to be sure to tell Nana she was sorry about Grampa when we got there. To which my baby sister said : "Why? I didn't do it!" Out of the mouth of babes.....
    You also didn't call your best friend to rub it in or make her feel worse~ BOTH of you are going through something which neither of you expected, and there truly is no right or wrong at this juncture. I hope that time and space will give your friend the breathing room she needs, and time to reconnect with you.

    In the meanwhile, please, know that YOUR health and treatment is paramount. Surround yourself with good advice, a medical team you trust and are comfortable with, and know that within this group you will be nurtured and supported throughout your journey to Life After Cancer. Especially during the times that suck!

    Hugs,
    Claudia