Can't seem to let go of the whole scary mess.

Eil4186
Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Okay, so you are all going to think I am crazy. I had a good visit w/ my oncologist yesterday. Good test results etc... But I have been very down and emotional ever since. I saw some patients having chemo and it brought the whole horrible scary experience back to me. But it didn't hit me till the next day(today). I still after three years since diagnosis cannot let it go emotionally. I have been perseverating on it since yesterday and this seems to happen after each visit. I get anxious a day or so before each visit too. I am so lucky to be in good health, I know I should just be able to focus on that and count my blessings, but somehow I can't.

Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
    Sweet Eil~

    I am 6 years out, and have my Onco appointment on Aug.2, and I am already "fretting" the pending lab results. The What If's are right there for those 10 days between the lab draw and Drs app't...and until I get the all clear report from him, I am on pins and needles. The other 5 months inbetween appointments? I don't fixate on it too much anymore. I am doing what I can, and living life as I wish, and hopefully Paying It Forward in gratitude and appreciation for this life. I am by no means a Pollyanna, though I often wish I were. I am not a fatalist, and I never want to be. What I am is a woman who HAD cancer through no apparent "fault" of my own, who did everything I could to beat it, with no assurances that it won't just maybe come back. And for today, just like you, I have beaten back The Beast.

    I dare say, you are 100% normal. Well, if I am normal, and you want to judge your reactions as being very similar to mine! If I don't rate very high on the mormal scale, well hon, we're BOTH in trouble! LOL LOL LOL Don't be too hard on yourself, Eil; you have come such a long way, and have so much life ahead of you. LIVE IT!!!!!!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Kristin N
    Kristin N Member Posts: 1,968 Member
    chenheart said:

    ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
    Sweet Eil~

    I am 6 years out, and have my Onco appointment on Aug.2, and I am already "fretting" the pending lab results. The What If's are right there for those 10 days between the lab draw and Drs app't...and until I get the all clear report from him, I am on pins and needles. The other 5 months inbetween appointments? I don't fixate on it too much anymore. I am doing what I can, and living life as I wish, and hopefully Paying It Forward in gratitude and appreciation for this life. I am by no means a Pollyanna, though I often wish I were. I am not a fatalist, and I never want to be. What I am is a woman who HAD cancer through no apparent "fault" of my own, who did everything I could to beat it, with no assurances that it won't just maybe come back. And for today, just like you, I have beaten back The Beast.

    I dare say, you are 100% normal. Well, if I am normal, and you want to judge your reactions as being very similar to mine! If I don't rate very high on the mormal scale, well hon, we're BOTH in trouble! LOL LOL LOL Don't be too hard on yourself, Eil; you have come such a long way, and have so much life ahead of you. LIVE IT!!!!!!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Sorry Eli. I think we all
    Sorry Eli. I think we all feel that way at times. But, the way I look at it is, if it comes back, it does. I have done everything to fight it. And, I enjoy and live each day to the fullest. So, if I die tomorrow, so be it. I live my life and have no regrets! I have faith in God and I believe in heaven. So, live for the day, don't worry about what you can't change. Your life will be happier and calmer.
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    I know, it doesn't seem to
    I know, it doesn't seem to make any sense does it?? Intellectually you know you're OK, clean bill of health, etc. but..........what is this cloud that hovers and emotions that make us nauseous and panic attacks and anxiety. Perhaps it's like burning your hand on a stove really bad and not wanting to have anything to do with them again.....??? All I know is that I think it's normal whether we admit to it or not. Hopefully in a few days it will dissipate and you can get back to the other "normal". Best wishes to you.
    jan
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    If you are crazy, then there are hordes of crazies on this site
    Eileen, I am so sorry that you are feeling emotional and down. Something as nasty as cancer and its treatment makes all of us anxious and depressed. There are some people who seem to escape the emotional side effects of cancer treatment, but they are few and far between. For me, the emotional side effects have been far worse than chemo or surgery or rads. I am so glad you are 3 years out...each year increases your odds of keeping cancer at bay. I am just hoping that you can be easy on yourself and let time heal. Here is a big hug.

    Lynn
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    A scary mess indeed.
    First off, your not crazy!! See how easy that was? Second, I don't think you ever really get rid of the whole mess. I think it drags behind us like a shadow. But each passing day, month, year....the shadow gets smaller and smaller till one day you find you can't see it any more because your standing on top of it. Then you realize you have learned to tame the beast. :) Pammy
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Akiss4me said:

    A scary mess indeed.
    First off, your not crazy!! See how easy that was? Second, I don't think you ever really get rid of the whole mess. I think it drags behind us like a shadow. But each passing day, month, year....the shadow gets smaller and smaller till one day you find you can't see it any more because your standing on top of it. Then you realize you have learned to tame the beast. :) Pammy

    There are just some things
    There are just some things that go on in our minds which we cannot control. Your reaction is perfectly normal. It's not easy to put this behind us or on a shelf. It has a way of leaping back in front of us or sliding down from the shelf without warning. For some the trigger might be the check ups, others have a low general forboding all the time, for some it is ever present and some rarely think about it (but it's there no the less). The only thing I can suggest is turning the visit into a celebration. Dinner, a movie, lovemaking, a massage, a weekend away. Something that makes you happy and gives you joy. I don't think trying to deny what you feel if ever good for a person. Think back on all that you went through to get to this point, cry tears for the anguish it gave you, and then smile because you have come so far and are doing so well. I don't have anxiety over visits for rechecks. I don't think I ever have. Maybe I am just a master of denial. I don't know. But what I have and I have dealt with it for over 40 years is a sorrow that overwhelms me for a few days in mid January. It will come on me even when I don't realize what day it is. It is always with a day or two of my dad's death. Now this isn't something I consciously think about, it just is. It's like a mini depression and always leaves a few days later. When my mom died in 2003 it was a relief to me that it was only a few days from the date my dad died. At least if I was going to go through this over her, it would happen together. I think that is something like many feel about their check up dates, or the date when they were diagnosed, whatever seems to be the greatest reminder of this.
    So know you are normal and that it is okay to feel bad, sad whatever even when you have had a great check up. It's just life saying here I am, deal with me.
    Stef
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    Akiss4me said:

    A scary mess indeed.
    First off, your not crazy!! See how easy that was? Second, I don't think you ever really get rid of the whole mess. I think it drags behind us like a shadow. But each passing day, month, year....the shadow gets smaller and smaller till one day you find you can't see it any more because your standing on top of it. Then you realize you have learned to tame the beast. :) Pammy

    What a great way to put it.
    Your shadow analogy really touched me. Thanks, Pammy. Lynn
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    lynn1950 said:

    What a great way to put it.
    Your shadow analogy really touched me. Thanks, Pammy. Lynn

    Your welcome, Lynn
    Thank the Lord for that analogy. Thats who put it in my head! I'm not that smart to aticulate something like that!! His way of helping me cope with all this!! I'm glad it touched you. 0:) Pammy
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    Akiss4me said:

    Your welcome, Lynn
    Thank the Lord for that analogy. Thats who put it in my head! I'm not that smart to aticulate something like that!! His way of helping me cope with all this!! I'm glad it touched you. 0:) Pammy

    It does make us afraid and
    It does make us afraid and anxious Eli. Even when you would think it wouldn't. I wish we could just take a magic pill and all of those feelings would go away, but, we can't. I hope you feel better soon.