Losing friends since mother's diagnosis

HonuBeginnings

Has anyone else dealt with losing friends? I am disabled so I stay home a lot. Most of my communication is through email or IMing. Since I have told them nobody returns my emails. I sent an email saying that I understand the difficulties, that they might not be comfortable talking about cancer. I told them that i would actually prefer not to talk about it because I have to talk to so many people about it all the time that I get irritated. I just want something normal going on in my life and that means emailing with friends. Most are disabled themselves, so I thought they would understand. Is there anything else I can tell them that will make them feel more comfortable? I even skipped going to my mother's day dinner because I didn't want to spend the night talking about how my mother is doing. It was with the in laws and hubby's brother and new wife. They think they are helping by always asking, but I just want some things to be normal, the way they used to be. Every dy I have to deal with paperwork and medical problems for my mother who lives in Hawaii while I live near Las Vegas. She lives with my older sister who is always working. So of course as second oldest everything falls on me. I had to leave my husband and daughter for a whole month, while the rest of my sisters just did what they wanted. It is so much stress and this is why I want a little normal once in a while. But no even my twin moved in with me and is taking advantage of my hospitality. So stressed I even have my health issues getting worse. I just want to be admitted to a hospital so I can get peace and quiet. I hate thinking that. Grrrr I just want my life back even though I know it won't happen right now. I am tired, stressed, and just want to cry every evening. I wish my friends would just play an online game with me, talk about the weather, talk about their kid leaving food all over the kitchen. Is that too much to ask?

zahalene

No, HB, that is not too much to ask...
Unfortunately, what you describe is something we see a lot on these boards. For whatever reasons, many people just do not know (or care enough to learn) how to respond effectively to survivors and caregivers. They either over-react and hover too much, insisting on making the cancer issue the main basis of their contact with you, or sometimes they ignore your situation all together out of fear or misunderstanding (do they think something bad is going to 'rub off'?).
We can't take on the task of teaching everyone how best to help us and support us in these times (we already have our plate full), so about all we can do is what you have done in explaining to your friends what you need in your relationship with them and hope they pick up on it. Those who truly care for us will give it their best shot and we know they are at least trying. Others will simply drop us.
You have done a good thing by coming here because almost everyone here 'gets it' and I have seldom encountered anyone here who is not sensitive and caring and understanding. I am going to send you my email in a private message (if my VERY limited puter skills will allow it...lol) and I hope you will feel free to contact me any time you care to.
I live with and care for my disabled dad and am pretty tied down so do not feel that you will be 'disturbing' me in any way. Hugs and God bless.

glasus

losing friends
There is a online site called caring bridge that is "built" by yourself, maintained by yourself, to update friends and family. So the know how things are going and they can leave well wishes or whatever, but it give those who don't know how to TALK a place to. You might want to look at this.

Katmir

losing friends
as a long-time caregiver, i understand this. you find out-- fast-- who your real friends are! and, you find out that the number isn't quite what you once thought it was. acceptance was my greatest blessing on that topic.

i'm concerned about YOU! sounds like it's past time for respite. please enlist the help of church, community programs or family to get yourself out of caregiving for a short rest. if none of those are options, take a walk or get jiggy with some fave music. sometimes 15 minutes will do wonders for the soul! point is-- you can't take care of your loved one if you're not taking care of yourself.

please take good care.

AnneS

Hi,
I can totally relate to
Hi,

I can totally relate to this. I am my mother's caregiver. When she was first diagnosed with colon cancer mid 2006, and was doing well, all was well.

But for three months now she has rapidly declined, massive weight loss, slower speech etc. So when her friends/former colleagues come to visit now, they simply do not talk to her the way they used to. Now it is with 'grave looking faces', and uncomfortable moments etc.
As for my friends... well I have discovered some I didn't think I had, and others that I am not sure I will stay in touch with. One 'friend. emailed me to complain that I wasn't keeping in touch with her on a regular basis (eventhough I had made every effort to do just that, and had tried to explain how exhausted I am): so I got the 'I know you are having a difficult time now but... ' = find time for me too. I was simply shocked that someone could be so selfish. Other friends offer ongoing advice. I.e. I would sometimes just like to vent and get a couple of things of my chest, but the moment I say 'I am tired' or whatever, I get steamrolled with 'good advice'. Result: I have stopped sharing my thoughts/feelings.

Other colleagues/friends of my mother continously want to talk about her disease, prognosis (now that one I really HATE) etc, and like you I get irritated, cos I spend all days with admin, meds, drs etc etc. And have cancer coming out of my ears. Result: I have stopped taking the phone.

Thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone,

Anne

Grace866

Hello:
I understand what you
Hello:

I understand what you are saying. Since my mother has been diagnosed it has been very difficult for me. This has been a recurring nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. People do not always know what to say. I have had a lot of questions, some out of concern, some just being nosey and so forth. Recently, I have had to tell those that inquire about my mother that I do not feel like discussing it. It is very overwhelming and unless you are going through it or have been through it you just don't know. I have been having difficulty as of late handling everything. I find myself emotional at the oddest of times. I am in one state and my mom is located 8 hours away by car. I go to each of her treatments and yes it is difficult. I am the oldest child. So many feelings going through my mind. I am finding that I have to take time out and away from everyone. Peace of mind if only for a short period of time is good. We as humans tend to neglect ourselves while looking out for love ones. Just remember that we must take care of ourselves first in order to be of any good to anyone else. And I have not been fair to some of my friends because I expect them to know how I am feeling and that is not right. Pick up the phone and talk to them and let them know what you need. If that do not work, then let it be. Some people are not good at handling sickness.

SonSon

AnneS said:

Hi,
I can totally relate to
Hi,

I can totally relate to this. I am my mother's caregiver. When she was first diagnosed with colon cancer mid 2006, and was doing well, all was well.

But for three months now she has rapidly declined, massive weight loss, slower speech etc. So when her friends/former colleagues come to visit now, they simply do not talk to her the way they used to. Now it is with 'grave looking faces', and uncomfortable moments etc.
As for my friends... well I have discovered some I didn't think I had, and others that I am not sure I will stay in touch with. One 'friend. emailed me to complain that I wasn't keeping in touch with her on a regular basis (eventhough I had made every effort to do just that, and had tried to explain how exhausted I am): so I got the 'I know you are having a difficult time now but... ' = find time for me too. I was simply shocked that someone could be so selfish. Other friends offer ongoing advice. I.e. I would sometimes just like to vent and get a couple of things of my chest, but the moment I say 'I am tired' or whatever, I get steamrolled with 'good advice'. Result: I have stopped sharing my thoughts/feelings.

Other colleagues/friends of my mother continously want to talk about her disease, prognosis (now that one I really HATE) etc, and like you I get irritated, cos I spend all days with admin, meds, drs etc etc. And have cancer coming out of my ears. Result: I have stopped taking the phone.

Thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone,

Anne

grave looking faces
I remember going to visit my uncle not long before he died (suffered from repeated strokes over many years).
I tried really hard to be cheerful and smile for him but it was so hard seeing him that way.
I am sure it is hard for your mom's friends to see her that way - and some people are better at masking that reaction than others.
When I left the nursing home after visiting a while with my uncle I just broke down and cried. Did not want him to see that.

Unknown

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