I can't control my anger ;(

stargazing1

Hi friends,

God bless you all and I'm praying for all of us to have a quick and full recovery!!! I'm having a problem with anger and I don't know what to do. I got leukemia last year, in my senior year of college, and had to drop out of school temporarily. I had lung problems before the leukemia and the chemo treatment made my lung infections a lot more frequent and worse.

Now I'm staying at home, and my dad is really busy working and trying to take care of me. I try to do my share of the chores around the house, but I feel bad that I can't help out more with shopping and other errands. Sometimes my dad gets really exhausted and blurts out things that are hurtful, such as "if I weren't here, you'd have to commit suicide."

I know he's really tired and I know he doesn't mean it, but when I hear things like that, it makes me really angry and I can't control my anger. I don't want to fight with him, but I don't know what to do to control my emotions.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with anger toward family or caregivers who say hurtful things out of frustration?

Thank you so much for reading this and best wishes for health and happiness

Sarah from Chicago, IL

Unknown

Sarah, no one here will fault you for being angry. We have all dealt with anger in all of its forms at one time or another.
I am both a cancer survivor and a caregiver for the last 12 years and I can certainly relate.
Sounds like some professional help might be in order for both your father and you. It might not need be more than a local support group, or if necessary, something more 'professional'.
If your dad isn't receptive to the idea, don't let that keep you from getting some help and anger management advice on your own.
Contact your local ACS chapter and let them point you in the right direction if you can't find a source of support otherwise.
God bless.

TereB

Hi Sarah,

Being diagnosed with any difficult disease brings up all kind of feelings. Anger is one of those. Not only are we ill but usually we have to undergo long treatments and long recoveries. On top of that sometimes we sort of have to stop for a little while whatever we were doing in order to have treatment.

I think both you and your dad are under a lot of stress and many times people react to stress with anger. They do not do it on purpose, it just happens until we realize what we are doing and take steps to deal with whatever is bothering us. Being the patient or the caregiver is not easy.

You said you feel bad that you can't help out more with the shopping and errands. I can tell you from my own experience, that a trip to the supermarket was very difficult for me, I was weak and felt tired most of the time. Chemo and radiation take a lot of your energy. So after being upset for a while, I learned to do only what I could at home. I learned to take one day at a time and not to worry about the small stuff. I also found out the world will not end if I do not do the laundry today, for instance.

"If I weren't here, you'd have to commit suicide" it's not a nice thing to hear but please, I know it is not easy but try to not pay attention to stuff like that. I'm sure that if your dad was not around, you would have found a way to make it on your own, and maybe he doesn't realize what he is saying and that he is hurting your feelings. Maybe your dad is very scared. You are right, it is better not to fight with your dad, it would not help either one of you.

Most oncology depts. have social workers. You can ask your doc to refer you to one and he/she can help you and your father deal with what is going on. I think is possible that a support group can help you too. And like Zahalene said, if your father doesn't want to go, you do it

All the best in your treatment and recovery!

Hugs and prayers

Cindy54

Sarah, I think that is a good place to start...the social worker at your place of treatment. If your Dad won't go, plase go for yourself. Being a survivor myself and also a caregiver for my Mom, I know how hard anger can be for both sides. Sometimes we say things that we aren't even thinking about and do not realize how much it hurts the other person. I can remember my Mom being so frustrated that she asked me to kill her. When I said that they would also put me in jail, she said she didn't care. The next day she was very apologetic about things. The stress in your situation is enormous. And oftentimes when we are very close to family members, those are the people we hurt the most. Don't stop talking.Maybe your Dad just doesn't realize how much his anger upsets you. Please start with the social worker. There are people here who care about what happens to you also. Keep us posted. Hugs, Cindy

soccerfreaks

While I agree with other respondents that professional therapy and support would be a great place to start for you and dad, I would further advise that you and dad may need to think about family counseling.

To show anger, frustration, hostility, these are not unusual on the part of either survivor OR caregiver; however, to insinuate that suicide might be an alternative is, to me, reaching a little bit beneath the minimum level of the dipstick that measures the oil of human decency.

I happen to believe that caregivers have a much more difficult job than those of us tasked with surviving. Even so, and perhaps especially so, once they have accepted the burden, there are certain minimum requirements, the least of which is to provide sincere care.

Whether serious or 'cute', suggestions re suicide do nothing to encourage better physical and mental health on the part of the survivor, and can only serve to cause agony for both parties in the long run.

Hopefully, you will beat this disease. If so, you certainly will not be the first or the last. Hopefully, when you do, you can look back on the efforts your father put forth with great fondness and respect. For that to happen, I believe a few things need to change.

Best wishes.

stargazing1

Hi friends,

Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding, I wish I could reach out and hug each one of you. Sometimes I feel depressed, like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but I was reminded by all of you that that's simply not true, and that as long as there is faith and hope, there is a way. Thank you all so much again, and I hope we stay in touch! I will continue praying for a quick and complete recovery for all of us and our loved ones! God is in control and with His strength and our own strength, I know we can get through this together!

All the very best,

Sarah from Chicago, IL