Daughter's Problem with My BC

Stormy8281

Although I haven't participated very much on this message board, I read comments almost every day and have found comfort in most, if not all of the comments.

I would like to bring up a problem that I haven't seen mentioned before and it has really broken my heart. I have one daughter, 37, married with 2 boys and a baby due in August. When I first learned I had cancer back in Dec '07, my daughter couldn't deal with it, and we didn't speak for almost a month or so. We have had some good times together, but mostly we've had a very strained relationship from the moment she could talk. Last week I told her that I was weighing the option of quality of life vs. quantity, and didn't know whether I wanted to continue with my treatments. I had an infection and had to be hospitalized. Since coming home, I have not had any treatments for a month. I have felt so great and human again, more so than I have in years, and really want to spend quality time with my grandsons. (I have since decided to continue, after receiving the most caring and sensitive advice from a friend I met through this group.)

I asked my daughter to talk to someone who has gone through these treatments or one who knows someone, or check out books, so she could get other input into what we all deal with. After not hearing from her for five days, I called her. She proceeded to tell me that she was mad, not a "sad" mad, but "angry" mad. Again, she told me that she needed a break from me. She lives 500 miles away, and we don't talk all the time. I know that she has issues, and that's probably why she turns her anger towards me, but it still hurts. She has chipped so much away from my heart that I don't know if I ever want to talk to her. I'm tired of giving in to her, and tired of trying to give her my love (which she's thrown back into my face.)

My husband and mother can't understand why she's picking now to act the way she is. I just want one of them to call her and tell her how much I need her, and her attitude is 'off the wall'. No one will call her, because they don't want her mad at them.

I love her so much, and really need her now.

I understand this is the place to vent, and I think I've done enough right now. It's just about 3:00 AM, so I'll say bye for now. Thank you all for your continued support.

Hugs and Kisses

Gale

Unknown

Hello Stormy.
My heart bleeds for you.
My daughter was just 12 when I lost one breast to cancer and 14 when I lost the other.
She was just 'getting' hers while I was 'loosing' mine. It was hard, hard, hard.
But she is 33 now and I am turning 60 this summer and she just took me on a ROAD TRIP to celebrate my birthday and we had a LOVELY time.
We still have 'stuff' that we just don't mention between us (cancer being one of them), but we have learned how to give each other space where we need it and connect at the places we are both comfortable with.
All this takes time and work. Don't give up on your relationship with your daughter, but don't let the stress rule your life either. We don't all live the 'Cleaver' life and that's just the way it is, so we have to take whatever good we can find and go from there. If you can find one point of connection with your daughter (a shared passion for instance) and make that a 'touch point'....well you just never know what might grow out of that one positive connection.
God bless.

kbc4869

Hi Gale,

I am very sorry that you are hurting. While my daugter is only 2 now, and we haven't had the opportunity to butt heads YET, I can't imagine a more painful thing.

As a 30-something daughter, I will share a little about my relationship with my mother in the hopes that it might provide some insight.

First off, when it comes to my mother, I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes revert back to a selfish child. There are times when I say things or treat her ways that I wouldn't dream of treating anyone else in the world. But mothers bring out this primal, childish way in us. You think they exist only to take care of you. I always saw my mother as this strong, bigger-than-life, able-to-fix-anything woman. When it came to her needs or fears, any weakness from her scared me. It's like someone taking away the one place where you feel safe. I'm ashamed to say that there were times when she tried to talk to me about things that scared her, and I turned around and made it all about me.

I am also a person who has a tendency to react with anger rather than sadness. I fear dispair. Dispair makes me feel hopeless and out of control, and dispair is directed inward rather than outward. Anger just feels better. In being angry, your daughter doesn't have to face being afraid of losing you or being in a position where she can't fix your problem. If she avoids you, you doesn't have to watch you suffer or hurt.

I don't know your daughter or her issues, but I sense that she loves you. She is behaving selfishly and immaturely for sure. I hope she figures it all out and realizes that she needs to be there for you NOW. As her mother, you are a gift, and she's never going to have anyone in her life who loves her as much as you do.

I wish you peace and a wonderful mother's day. Please post and let us know how it's going.

Love,
Kim

chenheart

My heart is so with you, Gale.

Thank you so much for posting such a heart-wrenching story...it could not have been easy to do so.

I wouldn't presume to try and analyze the mother/daughter relationship! I had a grand one with my mom, but my sister had the one you and your daughter have. A struggle in the best of times, and one my mom never came to terms with.

I am so sorry you are also having this struggle, and yet, it seems others in your family have a similar situation with your daughter as well.

I know you need her, and I wish that bridge could be crossed to the benefit of you both. In the meanwhile, I can only urge you to keep connected with those who love and support you during the journey through cancer. Your daughter may well be seeing her own mortality, and she faces her demons by reacting in anger. Oh wait~ I said I wasn't going to analyze~ so sorry!!

I have two favorite phrases which have helped me, and perhaps they can help you as well. I am not always successful in living this, but I try and remind myself to "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At". Anger is so debilitating , and I needed all the energy I could muster to fight cancer. My latest mantra, in addition to that is:

"We do what we HAVE to do, so we can do what we WANT to do"... perhaps the solution to your stuggle lies somewhere in the middle of those two thoughts.

Hugs and all good to you,
Claudia

KathiM

Unless you are stage IV breast cancer, and gone thru at least one whole treatment cycle, I would not give up on it....yes, you feel good, but that's part of the game...chemo makes no one feel as good as not taking it...but I don't know your situation on that, so, maybe all has been tried...

As far as your daughter, well, we can't make people do what they don't want to...the best approach is to let her come to her own on this. Yes, it WOULD be wonderful to have her in the loop, but you have bigger things to think about than that now.
Do you have support? Sounds like both your mom and hubby are involved.

'No one will call her...' wow, sounds like your daughter has some growing up to do...and start with an anger management course!!!

YOU are the center of your world right now. Focus on YOU, NOT her!!!

Hugs, Kathi

Stormy8281

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Each of you had great advice, and insight into my situation. Reading your comments, has lessen the heaviness in my heart.

God Bless You all!

Gale

Unknown

Just when I thought C was the worse thing that could happen, I got a taste of how it affected the personal problems in my life. If only getting better were a one course meal - C seems to come with side dishes that are pretty tough. When you find yourself saying things like, "If I ONLY had C to fight, I would be happy" then you know that you are walking with the beast indeed. When I got DX Kaiser gave me this CD of a woman going through treatment so I would know what to expect. Sure, things were tough for her, but her supportive husband bought her flowers while her children did the extra chores and the cat emptied its own litter box. I was looking forward to that great life! And not only were all the trouble spots of my life still with me, but dealing with them while in the clutches of chemo was hard hard! Chemo made me a little crazy and it was difficult to keep an emotional perspective. I had the bounce back skills of a wet towel. I am 6 weeks out of chemo (unbeievable to write that) and my towel is drying out a bit, the problems that seemed insurmountable have shrunk back to manageable. Baby, baby yourself through this chemo. Try not to let things hurt you too much. Be Scarlet O'Hara (Scarlet No'Haira) and tell yourself, I will think about that tomorrow. I promise you, as a mother of a son who decided to try drugs during my TX and a daughter who decided to get engaged and the wife of a man who is stressed over his job that problems hurt worse with chemo and get softer afterwards. Meanwhile, stop by this site for lots of hugs. Hopefully, they will feel as strong as the pain. Next time you feel some ouch from your daughter, go buy your favortie escapist magazine and look at pretty pictures. Escape, sweetie. And deal with it later, as much as possible. Your daughter is dealing with her own pain too. Realize the depth of her love that would cause her to be unable to handle your DX. ANd pass the chocolate and latest issue of Country Living.
I don't mean to make light of your problems. I certainly have felt like crumbling myself. Please just read the encouragement and trust that you will be stronger soon, in every way.
love, Joyce

AuthorUnknown

please take a look at this:

http://tinyurl.com/3dqbxg

thanks!

lfly

i am stage IV and 2 years ago i was given 6-9 months to live i was 37. my children today are 13,18 and 19 and i have an 8 mos. grandson. i will NOT give up even though my spine,right hip and left lung are now affected with tumors.my children are scared but my positive attitude and behavior allow us to be close and today we can still have fun and joke about this. I used to be very active in walking, riding bicycles, 4 wheeling, hunting, basketball, backyard football,etc. i can't now because of the bone mets and neuropathy caused by chemo, but that doesn't stop me from having fun. i have to enjoy life, i have to take care of me and i ask the kids to join me. That way they can see me enjoying life and being happy. i know they wouldn't want to be around me if i was weepy or angry because of my situation. positive people have positive relationships. from experience with my own mother and her health problems,obesity related, her negative attitude toward life and people ran my brothers and i out of her life. i take care of me so they have an example of how to live if they ever have to deal with extreme obstacles. i may die soon but what if i don't. i want them to have happy memories. Please take care of you. Your daughters attitude is on her not you if you are doing your part.

mmontero38

Dear Gale:
I am so sorry you're hurting this way. I won't try to analyze your situation with your daughter but she might be fearful herself of also having to face the demon that we are all facing here on this board. Might it help to keep a journal and write everything down? Maybe one day when you feel she is strong enough you might give it to her to read. Lots of luck to you and please continue your treatments, you need to fight this. Love, Lili

mgm42

kbc4869 said:

Hi Gale,

I am very sorry that you are hurting. While my daugter is only 2 now, and we haven't had the opportunity to butt heads YET, I can't imagine a more painful thing.

As a 30-something daughter, I will share a little about my relationship with my mother in the hopes that it might provide some insight.

First off, when it comes to my mother, I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes revert back to a selfish child. There are times when I say things or treat her ways that I wouldn't dream of treating anyone else in the world. But mothers bring out this primal, childish way in us. You think they exist only to take care of you. I always saw my mother as this strong, bigger-than-life, able-to-fix-anything woman. When it came to her needs or fears, any weakness from her scared me. It's like someone taking away the one place where you feel safe. I'm ashamed to say that there were times when she tried to talk to me about things that scared her, and I turned around and made it all about me.

I am also a person who has a tendency to react with anger rather than sadness. I fear dispair. Dispair makes me feel hopeless and out of control, and dispair is directed inward rather than outward. Anger just feels better. In being angry, your daughter doesn't have to face being afraid of losing you or being in a position where she can't fix your problem. If she avoids you, you doesn't have to watch you suffer or hurt.

I don't know your daughter or her issues, but I sense that she loves you. She is behaving selfishly and immaturely for sure. I hope she figures it all out and realizes that she needs to be there for you NOW. As her mother, you are a gift, and she's never going to have anyone in her life who loves her as much as you do.

I wish you peace and a wonderful mother's day. Please post and let us know how it's going.

Love,
Kim

Kim, whether you know it or not, you have helped me tremendously. I, too, have a daughter that I love deeply and need right now as I battle my breast cancer. She and I butt heads and sometimes when I try to talk to her about my vulnerabilities, she cuts me off at the pass. You've given me some understanding to her thought process. Thanks so much. It really helps. Hugs, Marilynn