Can't stop thinking about it!

Susan523

Hi.. I'm Susan, and I'm 49. I was diagnosed w/Ovarian Cancer in May 2006, at age 48.
Stage IIIC. I don't know what the "C" means; I don't know if I want to know.
I went through a major surgery, and 6 rounds of Taxo. My hair has just grown in, and now my CA has shot up to 40.6 I also found a lump in/on my abdomen. Has anyone experienced a 'lump'? The Dr. says he doesn't know what it is. CT Scan came back okay... Next month he plans to do an exploratory laperoscopy.
Meantime; how do you get it out of your mind??
I can rarely think of anything but cancer, and I know I can't win with that going on.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
(((Hugs)))
~Susan

BonnieR

Hi Susan, welcome to the board. So sorry to hear about your rising ca125. Once you get over the dissapointment of the news, it will not plague your mind daily. If the CT Scan is clear it could be something else causing it to rise, or it is microscopic cancer cells and that is good news.

I am also a stage 3c survivor of almost 5 years. There are 4 stages to ovarian cancer and each stage is marked a,b or c. I have not had a remission, we thought I was in remission after the first round but only lasted a short time. We now manage the cancer.

I also have abdominal pains, some of it is from adhesions, some from sluggish bowels, some from the cancer growth ~ but mine does show up on CT Scans.

Let yourself cry, I know I do. I have a good cry and it cleanses my soul and I get on with life. Knowing each day is a gift I appreciate my family, what I still can do and thank God for giving me more time. It takes time to get to this place but believe me it will come. You will think about the cancer but it will not consume you. Continue to come here for encouragement and hope. The women here are awesome and such warriors.

Sending you lots of prayers n hugs!

BonnieRose

CANCER CAN NOT . . .

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.
It cannot lessen the power of the RESURRECTION!
Author unknown

IT CANNOT STEAL ETERNAL LIFE!

mopar

Susan:
Trust me when I say you've heard from one of the most knowleageable, compassionate people on this board (AND THERE ARE MANY), in Bonnie. I hope her words have given you comfort. I also believe in, what I call, 'allowing yourself the moment'. Whether it be fear, anger, tears, anxiety, it's normal, natural and expected. But I also believe that after you have your 'moments', the best you can do for yourself is to live life as best as you can. Even if that means having meds nearby for axiety, pain, etc. My doctor believes in 'quality of life', and does not hesitate to listen to his patients regarding their needs. And it is a known fact that we recover better and live longer when our outlook is more positive, focused and we rely on our faith and family. Having a day here and there of 'moments' will come and go. But overall, you won't accomplish anything by dwelling on the negatives. It will only drag you down more.

I feel as though cancer will always be 'tapping me on the shoulder' so-to-speak. But when the fear is overwhelming, or I get anxious about the unknown, I have a favorite scripture verse: 'He has not given me the spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE AND A SOUND MIND'. Cast all your fears on Him and I know you will find peace and learn to deal with everything one moment at a time, and consequently find ways to enjoy all the positives and good 'moments' in your life. Stay strong. You are not alone.

From a 2-TIME survivor,
Luv, hugs, prayers,
Monika

floridajo

Susan,
Sorry to hear about your rising ca-125...and it does suck playing the waiting game. There is no way of making this easier on yourself, it takes time for this to happen. I am coming up on my 3 yr. anniversary this Nov, and I have already had 2 recurrences. You got great advice from Bonnie and Mopar. I allow myself to cry when I need to. Right now I'm in the same boat as you, waiting for tests and the results. It's never easy..I live 3 months at a time, and start getting scared about 2 weeks before my visit.Hang in there, I also like to pray, it gives me peace. Take it slow,1 day,1 hour or 1 second at a time. I also take into thought how I am feeling. I've had to sit back and watch my ca-125 rise for 9 months before it finally showed on my ct scan. My onc does not like to treat based on a rising ca-125 alone, he waits for it to show up on the ct scans. He said "the longer your off chemo, the stronger you'll be!! Hang in there..sending prayers for faith and strength to you. (((hugz)))..Joanne

shortstuff

Hi Susan. Sorry that you have to even be on this site, but you have definately come to the right place for support. The others have given you some great advice and I can only agree with them. I am also a stage 3C survivor of seven years. Although I'm now on my fourth recurrence, I've had some very good "in between" times. I've learned to just put it all in God's hands because no matter how much you hate it and how much you worry, it isn't going to change anything. God has it all worked out and many times we have to go through bad times to get to the good times. I wish you all the best and hopefully your rising CA125 doesn't mean anything bad. Lots of things can cause it go rise. But if it is, hang in there. You have lots more people praying for you on this board. I will be one of them. Take care, Hugs and prayers to you. Polly

lindachris

shortstuff said:

Hi Susan. Sorry that you have to even be on this site, but you have definately come to the right place for support. The others have given you some great advice and I can only agree with them. I am also a stage 3C survivor of seven years. Although I'm now on my fourth recurrence, I've had some very good "in between" times. I've learned to just put it all in God's hands because no matter how much you hate it and how much you worry, it isn't going to change anything. God has it all worked out and many times we have to go through bad times to get to the good times. I wish you all the best and hopefully your rising CA125 doesn't mean anything bad. Lots of things can cause it go rise. But if it is, hang in there. You have lots more people praying for you on this board. I will be one of them. Take care, Hugs and prayers to you. Polly

I just want you to know that I printed this thread and am taking it home to my wife Linda, who is also a Stage III, 49 years and basically has been scared out of her wits for two months. And you have all been helpful...with your advice to this new member and to me/us, by proxy! She has certainly had her "moments" and deservedly so. But we are finally using some anti-this and anti-that drugs for anxiety and depression, and in our case getting to a psychologist next week because it's the right thing for us. But thanks for sharing. It's going to help her seeing your honest and motivating views on how to deal with cancer.

kris43

Susan - I am so sorry this is causing you so much stress. I know for myself, the what if's are the absolute worst. I am only 2 treatments in to my diagnosis - was supposed to go yesterday but my white blood count is too low and they wouldn't risk it. I also have stage IIIC ovarian cancer and am 43 years old.

Have you heard about CaringBridge.com? It is a place where you can go and journal and then your friends/family can see what you are going through. I love the site and it's been very cathartic.

Do you have a good support system in your home town? Are there activities you can do to put your mind at ease? Do you volunteer? I try to do as many things as possible to keep my mind occupied - or some days I would literally drive myself crazy.

Take a moment to just take a deep breath and be grateful that you are living in the moment and alive. Each day is a blessing, isn't it? It's horrible to have to live with this disease - but right now you are being proactive in your care, things are being done and it seems you are on the right track.

Take good care and listen to the ladies on this site. They give great advice. I am thinking of you.

Kris

Susan523

lindachris said:

I just want you to know that I printed this thread and am taking it home to my wife Linda, who is also a Stage III, 49 years and basically has been scared out of her wits for two months. And you have all been helpful...with your advice to this new member and to me/us, by proxy! She has certainly had her "moments" and deservedly so. But we are finally using some anti-this and anti-that drugs for anxiety and depression, and in our case getting to a psychologist next week because it's the right thing for us. But thanks for sharing. It's going to help her seeing your honest and motivating views on how to deal with cancer.

Chris,
I just want to say that your wife is very lucky
to have such a supportive & resourceful husband.
I have you both in my prayers... I noticed several of your posts. I wish I had found this site sooner. I think it's good for all of us.
Take care, and give Linda my best.
(((Hugs))) ~Susan

Susan523

kris43 said:

Susan - I am so sorry this is causing you so much stress. I know for myself, the what if's are the absolute worst. I am only 2 treatments in to my diagnosis - was supposed to go yesterday but my white blood count is too low and they wouldn't risk it. I also have stage IIIC ovarian cancer and am 43 years old.

Have you heard about CaringBridge.com? It is a place where you can go and journal and then your friends/family can see what you are going through. I love the site and it's been very cathartic.

Do you have a good support system in your home town? Are there activities you can do to put your mind at ease? Do you volunteer? I try to do as many things as possible to keep my mind occupied - or some days I would literally drive myself crazy.

Take a moment to just take a deep breath and be grateful that you are living in the moment and alive. Each day is a blessing, isn't it? It's horrible to have to live with this disease - but right now you are being proactive in your care, things are being done and it seems you are on the right track.

Take good care and listen to the ladies on this site. They give great advice. I am thinking of you.

Kris

Hi, Kris, and I want to thank you for your reply. No, I hadn't heard of that CaringBridge.com, but am certainly going to check it out.

You are right. Each day IS a blessing, and I thank God for each one of them. Cancer has certainly changed my perspective on life.


My husband was very supportive in the beginning, but now I feel that he is in denial with my recurrence. My family and most friends live far away; they seem to have forgotten me. I think they just don't know what to say...

I do try to keep busy; I go to swim aerobics 2 or 3 times a week, and hope to increase that.

Good luck with your treatments, Kris. Hang in there, and thanks for the good advice.

(((Hugs)))
~Susan

Susan523

BonnieR said:

Hi Susan, welcome to the board. So sorry to hear about your rising ca125. Once you get over the dissapointment of the news, it will not plague your mind daily. If the CT Scan is clear it could be something else causing it to rise, or it is microscopic cancer cells and that is good news.

I am also a stage 3c survivor of almost 5 years. There are 4 stages to ovarian cancer and each stage is marked a,b or c. I have not had a remission, we thought I was in remission after the first round but only lasted a short time. We now manage the cancer.

I also have abdominal pains, some of it is from adhesions, some from sluggish bowels, some from the cancer growth ~ but mine does show up on CT Scans.

Let yourself cry, I know I do. I have a good cry and it cleanses my soul and I get on with life. Knowing each day is a gift I appreciate my family, what I still can do and thank God for giving me more time. It takes time to get to this place but believe me it will come. You will think about the cancer but it will not consume you. Continue to come here for encouragement and hope. The women here are awesome and such warriors.

Sending you lots of prayers n hugs!

BonnieRose

CANCER CAN NOT . . .

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.
It cannot lessen the power of the RESURRECTION!
Author unknown

IT CANNOT STEAL ETERNAL LIFE!

Hi, Bonnie Rose,

Thank you for your encouraging note. And also for what Cancer CANNOT do! Very true.

Congratulations for making it close to the 5 year mark. I'm barely 17 months into it. I also thought I was in "remission" after the first round; for about 6 months; but then my CA started rising. I go on vacation this week, and the Dr. said we'll "deal with it when you get back". (My CA rose from 4.8 to 40 in a matter of a few months, and now I'm getting the abdominal pain back again).

Best wishes, Bonnie Rose. I'm sending those thoughts and prayers right back to you xoxo

ginahmk

Susan523 said:

Hi, Kris, and I want to thank you for your reply. No, I hadn't heard of that CaringBridge.com, but am certainly going to check it out.

You are right. Each day IS a blessing, and I thank God for each one of them. Cancer has certainly changed my perspective on life.


My husband was very supportive in the beginning, but now I feel that he is in denial with my recurrence. My family and most friends live far away; they seem to have forgotten me. I think they just don't know what to say...

I do try to keep busy; I go to swim aerobics 2 or 3 times a week, and hope to increase that.

Good luck with your treatments, Kris. Hang in there, and thanks for the good advice.

(((Hugs)))
~Susan

This is such a great discussion. All the wonderful healing energy. Susan, I hope that this is CA125 elevation is just a "bad" number and that the CT scans are all negative-- I also am a Stage IIIC, age 52, finished the 6 rounds of IV/IP taxol/cisplatin chemo and watching and waiting, so thanks for all the advice from those who are further traveling down the road with this. Yes, I need to believe that one can LIVE FULLY with this as best as one can. Prayer helps and I have also found breathing meditation, such as counting each breath from 1 to 5, for 5 minutes, helps calm the worry. Some of Dr. Andrew Weil's MindBody kit techniques are useful for me. Thank you,Kris, for the CaringBridge.com website tip.
May the light shine on us all as we travel this dark path.

Gina