I'm so Mad

Btrcup

Hi all, hope eveyone is doing well. Ok, so here it is. My hubby went out yesterday and bought a sports car!!! It's a 1999 Mazda Miatta (sp?) and cost $9,100. He is financing it in his name. We discussed this and I told him I thought it was a bad idea to accumulate debt right now. We just refinanced to consolidate our credit cards and now we have this new debt.

On the one hand, I want to say "live your life to the fullest and have fun!!" but on the other hand, I need to think of the future of me and my children. How am I going to pay for this additional loan if Scott get's sick in the next couple of months?! It will be hard enough paying the mortgage, car insurance, car loan and everything else on my salary alone.

I feel like he is being very selfish, but in a way I can sort of understand. He always talked about getting a sports car, but with 2 kids a 2 seater is not practical. He kept his pick up, but now we are paying insurance on 3 vehicles (Maryland insurance rates do not come cheap!).

Well thanks for letting me vent. Scott's not feeling well today, so of course I have the guilt of being angry...and PMS isn't helping!! lol

Prayers to all.

Linda (Baltimore)

alihamilton

Hi Linda,

I can just imagine how you are feeling and I am glad you vented!

I can also see where Scott is coming from though I must agree it was a bit irresponsible.

However, it must be his way of trying to be normal and a bit of denial about his illness and the implications of it. A difficult situation but try not to worry too much and hope he does not do any more reckless spending.

We all respond differently to our situation and this is his way of saying "I am young and I am going to be around a long time to enjoy this new toy" That attitude might just work!!

Ali

2bhealed

Hi Linda,

Please don't stay too angry at Scott. It gives him power and control to buy this when he may feel powerless over cancer. If he does get too sick in the future you will be SOOOOO happy that he was able to find some temporary pleasure in his sports car. In the big picture--it's just money. He may be looking at his mortality and he's taking care of some business. I completely understand your frustration and fear of the debt, but maybe this is his way of living life to its fullest for him and realizing a dream.....I did this.

We went out and bought a VW camper--4 "seater" van. We have 5 kids. It was totally impractical. But I had wanted to do more camping and after my dx I was bound and detemined to do some stuff in case I did not make it. I call it my cancer crisis camper. Well, I'm still alive and kicking and in the summer we insure that thing and I have a blast with it and we do go camping--not usually with kids--wink wink-- even better! ;-) Rethink the possiblities in that 2 seater--no kids, just the two of you tooling down a country road wind blowing through your hair. Stopping for a picnic somewhere......oh la la.

When your life is staring you down you just may do something like go out and buy a zippy sports car. I surely didn't feel like I was being selfish. (of course I am hardly the family breadwinner).

Anyway.....I just wanted you to know that Scott wasn't the only one who went out and did something impractical and expensive to fullfill a dream. Be easy on him......

:-)

peace, emily who loves her VW camper!!!

rejoyous

Hi Linda,

Your letter is so much about real life! I understand both sides of this so well. My husband and I are struggling with similar questions--what does it mean to "life life to the fullest" on a limited budget? I careen between late night anxiety sessions on health coverage, disability and life insurance, and, on the other hand, wanting to quit my job all together.

When I was growing up my father, who did not have the excuse of a disease like cancer, bought a series of totally impractical MGB roadsters, very similar to a Miatta. Besides being completely stupid financially, he had four kids and a dog, and we lived in snowy Minnesota, where a low sportscar just gets eaten up by the snowdrifts. It was nuts.

But looking back on it I've loved thinking of my dad having fun in the midst of his high pressure, high responsibility life. And if I felt that way about a dad who wasn't sick and is still alive, I can only imagine how happy your two kids, and perhaps you as well, may be looking back on this frivolity of his.

rejoyous

I thought of one other thing: YOU should also be having some joy in your life. I don't know what that means to you--maybe you don't need a Miatta or a trip to Hawaii. But whatever it is that makes you feel like you're putting yourself first is important to do as well. Many times I've felt that my husband is under far more stress than I am, even though I'm the one with cancer. He has all the worry but very little of the sympathy.

It doesn't have to be crazily expensive--just buying a bouquet of flowers or getting a massage or spending a Saturday night in a hotel might make you feel like good things are happening to you, as well.

2bhealed

rejoyous said:

I thought of one other thing: YOU should also be having some joy in your life. I don't know what that means to you--maybe you don't need a Miatta or a trip to Hawaii. But whatever it is that makes you feel like you're putting yourself first is important to do as well. Many times I've felt that my husband is under far more stress than I am, even though I'm the one with cancer. He has all the worry but very little of the sympathy.

It doesn't have to be crazily expensive--just buying a bouquet of flowers or getting a massage or spending a Saturday night in a hotel might make you feel like good things are happening to you, as well.

I second that massage idea! It does a world of good!

peace, emily

nanuk

It's impossible for us to judge; it reminds me of a poem written many years ago by a then 13 year old girl
"Right and wrong are relative
Depends all on the damn ya give
To bad or better, worse or best
Most choose THEIR way and toss the rest"
R. Mullins
When I got my mets diagnosis, I paniced and went out and bought a new RV and financed it into eternity..but then all the family I have are two dogs-my sister called and told me it wasn't fair to those I left behind (?) but then we cancer patients operate on a different agenda-(one day at a time)
This disease is hardest on the caretakers..I know, because I've been on both sides. Nanuk

steved

Youare perfectly justifie in getting angry - in such a situation we all would. But as p[eople haev poointed out and as I'm sure you understand there are probably good reasons behind his frivolous spending. When life is threatened we learn about enjoying it more intensivley and appreciating it. Long term worries seem less important and need to find enjoyment now comes into focus. this can lead to what may appear to be odd decisions but each handles this in theor own way.
When I was diagnosed we had our mortagage payed off by a critical illness insurance plan we had taken out. It was a subsatntial pay out and in the end we used it to become mortgage free and have long term financial stability. Whowever when I was driving to and from the hospital to have chemo and radiotherapy I was sorely tempted to duck into a ferrari dealership I had to pass every day and blow £100,000 on a new ferarri- it would have given me instant pleasure that paying off the mortagae didn;t give me. Luckily I resisted (I think my wife would have performed immediate surgery of her own to my private parts to add to my bowel resection if i had) but I stil remember the intense temptation to act on that urge.
thus I can really understand your husbands need to buy this car. It doesn't mean it was the right thing or youo shouldn't get angry but thought you'd like to know he isn' alone in this.
Best of luck and enjoy your drives in teh countryside,
Steve.

kangatoo

steved said:

Youare perfectly justifie in getting angry - in such a situation we all would. But as p[eople haev poointed out and as I'm sure you understand there are probably good reasons behind his frivolous spending. When life is threatened we learn about enjoying it more intensivley and appreciating it. Long term worries seem less important and need to find enjoyment now comes into focus. this can lead to what may appear to be odd decisions but each handles this in theor own way.
When I was diagnosed we had our mortagage payed off by a critical illness insurance plan we had taken out. It was a subsatntial pay out and in the end we used it to become mortgage free and have long term financial stability. Whowever when I was driving to and from the hospital to have chemo and radiotherapy I was sorely tempted to duck into a ferrari dealership I had to pass every day and blow £100,000 on a new ferarri- it would have given me instant pleasure that paying off the mortagae didn;t give me. Luckily I resisted (I think my wife would have performed immediate surgery of her own to my private parts to add to my bowel resection if i had) but I stil remember the intense temptation to act on that urge.
thus I can really understand your husbands need to buy this car. It doesn't mean it was the right thing or youo shouldn't get angry but thought you'd like to know he isn' alone in this.
Best of luck and enjoy your drives in teh countryside,
Steve.

Linda..listen carefully 'cos this is true. A lot of things change for us, one of those things being."stuff the trivial things!" The day after I was dx'd I went and made a will. To put my house in order so to speak. Then I told Jen I wanted her to get her motorcycle license so if I died she would still have something in common with our friends and still be able to go riding. Then I told her to hell with money....then went out and got a loan to pay for a new motorbike for her. I WANTED her to be able to still enjoy her life if I was not around. Now that may seem the exact opposite to what Scott has done. But let me tell you that it is what I wanted for me AS WELL. To have the knowledge that she would be ok even tho it cost us was my way of doing what I wanted to do.In Jen's view she was not entirely agreeable but when I told her why I wanted her to have the bike she agreed. It seems very different to you, I know. Hey..if I happen to die..she can sell my bike to pay her loan.
I guess if it came to the crunch and Scott did get sick then some compromise would be needed to help your finances. You have a right to be angry Linda but at the same time I think that many of us succumb to that "she'll be right attitude". Whether that is a good or bad thing depends on how extreme the financial burden gets.
Nanuk is right in what he says..it is impossible for us to judge Scott decisions.
I am not supporting Scott, Linda, far from it, but can really understand the way he is probably thinking.
I really hope it works out ok. I don't think that you can fight it now the deed is done.
Try to help him enjoy it Linda even if it is a test of your patience.
luv kanga n Jen

scouty

Hi again Linda,

Interesting topic you have brought up. As the caregiver, you are supposed to be responsible and subsequently mad. Most of us responding here can somewhat relate to Scott. Before my cancer dx, I almost died of acute perontinitis and had been thinking and saving for a new car for over a year. I remember thinking about it while I was in the hospital for 3 weeks. 2 weeks after I came home, I went out and bought the durn thing. Ironically, I was driving a red Miaza Miata at the time and chose an inexpensive SUV. I vaguely remember signing the paperwork, but at 50, I had not owned a new car with it's wonderful new car smell in over 25 years (I always bought used ones).

To this day, I do not regret it. I love that new car/truck. The pleasure, comfort and coolness of it's newness still represents my new me after being so sick. I know it is hard to understand, but our lord works in amazing ways. Trust him and trust Scott. I agree with some of the others, put that top down here in another month and enjoy the wind blowing thru your hair. I still love to drive my Miata just for that with the radio blaring.

Lisa P.