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Maybe I am thinking too much

david54
david54 Member Posts: 164
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Have any of you that have lost a family member wondered why some people have never responded? First of all I need to set the record straight that so many people have stepped up to the plate and been supportive to me and my daughter after the death of my wife. There however are some that we have known for years that have not said a word-that confuses me a little. Is it because they don’t know what to say? I also remember vividly when my wife was first diagnosed there was a well intentioned individual in our church who would approach my wife and tell her “I had a dream that you were standing in front of the church and were sharing you were cured.” I would wince when she did that because my wife bought into it. Interesting in that I have not heard a peep from this person since my wife died!

David

Comments

  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332
    Its pretty common, I think
    It amazes me the stupid things people say in attempts to make us feel better. When my mom's cancer was diagnosed last year, countless people said, well, she's 80 years old... As if her being old was okay. She was still living independantly, driving to the Wal Mart, going to her quilting club, puttering in her garden. As far as I'm concerned, the cancer still took her prematurely. And now that my husband has liver cancer, couples that we normally socialize with are distant. As though they are already separating from us because I'm eventually be a single instead of a couple. I don't understand it...
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,860
    the dream
    David,

    I'm sorry you have had to go through the illness and loss of your wife and am glad there are supportive people for your daughter and yourself.

    The dream might have had a different interpretation than you might have hoped for: you don't say it was a Christian church, but, if it was, you know your wife's death did lead to her ultimate healing in God's loving hands.

    I don't know if this will help or not. It does help me when I think about those I have lost to cancer and other illnesses. The pain is gone and they live on in a much better place where there is no more sickness or death.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    Grief
    Different people respond to grief in different ways. Some don't know how to respond, so they just don't. They don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Some just blurt out the wrong thing. Our society often avoids talking about death in general. I have a friend whose husbands was recently dx with cancer. When she told another friend she was going to call me. That friend said, "Don't call her. It will just bring back bad memories." Huh, did she think I had forgotten that my husband had died from cancer? Did she think he wasn't the first thing I think of each morning and my last thought at night? Did she think talking with my friend and sharing some of my experiences about feelings when a husband has that dreaded dx was going to make his death somehow worse? Evidently she did. I can't understand or explain why some people just don't get it. I think we just have to be glad we have others who offer their love and support during this time. I know that I have learned much from this painful time. I hope I can be a better friend to those who experience loss in the future. One somewhat amusing and touching experience was from a friend of my husband's who hand carves duck decoys. He called me to ask if I needed a duck. Since I don't hunt or really have a place for another decoy, I told him I didn't think so. I really appreciated the offer, though, and I know that it was his way of offering his help and sympathy. We just have to do our best, and forgive those who behave differently. Take care, Fay
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120

    Grief
    Different people respond to grief in different ways. Some don't know how to respond, so they just don't. They don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Some just blurt out the wrong thing. Our society often avoids talking about death in general. I have a friend whose husbands was recently dx with cancer. When she told another friend she was going to call me. That friend said, "Don't call her. It will just bring back bad memories." Huh, did she think I had forgotten that my husband had died from cancer? Did she think he wasn't the first thing I think of each morning and my last thought at night? Did she think talking with my friend and sharing some of my experiences about feelings when a husband has that dreaded dx was going to make his death somehow worse? Evidently she did. I can't understand or explain why some people just don't get it. I think we just have to be glad we have others who offer their love and support during this time. I know that I have learned much from this painful time. I hope I can be a better friend to those who experience loss in the future. One somewhat amusing and touching experience was from a friend of my husband's who hand carves duck decoys. He called me to ask if I needed a duck. Since I don't hunt or really have a place for another decoy, I told him I didn't think so. I really appreciated the offer, though, and I know that it was his way of offering his help and sympathy. We just have to do our best, and forgive those who behave differently. Take care, Fay

    The Duck story gave me a smile...
    Too funny...anyway I agree with both of you..some folks just don't get it and I think its because they have not walked in our shoes.
    I had an issue with one of my friends..back awhile during one of my many meltdowns..I mistakenly called her for support and her suggestion was that I go shopping...like buying a new pair of shoes was going to make me feel better about Bill passing away...I was and truthfully remain really ticked at her stupidity and lack of common sense....this person has been a friend for well over 10yrs and should have known better..but again they don't have a point of reference.
    Death and all it involves for the surviors is a vastly misunderstood issue and people are afraid to deal with it...and seeing as its a part of life on a whole....thats really sad.
    But we move on...its our only choice.
    Pat
  • lilli1020
    lilli1020 Member Posts: 114
    bingles said:

    The Duck story gave me a smile...
    Too funny...anyway I agree with both of you..some folks just don't get it and I think its because they have not walked in our shoes.
    I had an issue with one of my friends..back awhile during one of my many meltdowns..I mistakenly called her for support and her suggestion was that I go shopping...like buying a new pair of shoes was going to make me feel better about Bill passing away...I was and truthfully remain really ticked at her stupidity and lack of common sense....this person has been a friend for well over 10yrs and should have known better..but again they don't have a point of reference.
    Death and all it involves for the surviors is a vastly misunderstood issue and people are afraid to deal with it...and seeing as its a part of life on a whole....thats really sad.
    But we move on...its our only choice.
    Pat

    I think most people have not
    I think most people have not come as close to death as we have. As caregivers, we were anticipating it and sometimes welcoming it for our loved ones. A lot of people just have not dealt with feelings surrounding a close death of a loved ones and are just ignorant about it. Death seems so far away from them and they just say the damndest things, not knowing really how to react. Just forgive them and know they care as much as everybody else...I care because I have been in your shoes. I lost Doug 2 weeks ago and just now going through the grieving....it's going to be a hell of a road for those of us left behind...but God has his reasons.

    Bless you, Gayle
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    lilli1020 said:

    I think most people have not
    I think most people have not come as close to death as we have. As caregivers, we were anticipating it and sometimes welcoming it for our loved ones. A lot of people just have not dealt with feelings surrounding a close death of a loved ones and are just ignorant about it. Death seems so far away from them and they just say the damndest things, not knowing really how to react. Just forgive them and know they care as much as everybody else...I care because I have been in your shoes. I lost Doug 2 weeks ago and just now going through the grieving....it's going to be a hell of a road for those of us left behind...but God has his reasons.

    Bless you, Gayle

    so sorry for your loss
    Hi Gayle,
    so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband April 6, to pancreatic cancer, suddenly and unexpected, it is true that people just don't get it, I do not hold it against anyone things they say, because they really do not know, they don't know what to say, so sometimes the wrong thing comes out. it is a long road, it is like a roller coaster ride, i am down right now for the past 2 days, trying to pull myself out of it, but sometimes it is hard to do, try to keep busy, that seems to be the key to getting through it. Very hard,
    Take care,
    karen
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    closs86 said:

    so sorry for your loss
    Hi Gayle,
    so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband April 6, to pancreatic cancer, suddenly and unexpected, it is true that people just don't get it, I do not hold it against anyone things they say, because they really do not know, they don't know what to say, so sometimes the wrong thing comes out. it is a long road, it is like a roller coaster ride, i am down right now for the past 2 days, trying to pull myself out of it, but sometimes it is hard to do, try to keep busy, that seems to be the key to getting through it. Very hard,
    Take care,
    karen

    Hey, Karen
    It is good to see you posting again. I hope you are having a better day. Thinking of you, Fay
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85

    Hey, Karen
    It is good to see you posting again. I hope you are having a better day. Thinking of you, Fay

    I have been reading posts,
    I have been reading posts, just tired of complaining
    Hugs Karen