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Silly thinking...maybe....

Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I am having some inner battles....more time that goes by..more things need doing around the house..each thing brings memories...which is understandable.
My problem is that I am finding...that I am trying to do things the way Bill did them..you know...simple household chores....but I am finding that I am doing things different only because its easier for me....but it bothers me...its not the way HE did it.
I feel like each thing I do different is lessening Bill's presence in the house.
I have also done quite a bit of heavy cleaning out of necessity....while he was sick I did very little....so curtains needed changing....new blinds and such...and each thing I do makes me sad.....I feel like I am losing him and his essence.
I know he would love the things I am doing because he was the neat freak....but each day leaves less and less of him in the house.
I know I am being wacky..guessing its part of the process.
Good news is that I remain smoke free....its really been a breeze after going though the disease with Bill and I am cautiously optimistic for total success.
The garden is in...even got carried away and pulled out some dying azalea bushes and planted some new bigger plants....I am getting to enjoy it...lets see when the thing needs weeding!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Much of what you say sounds so familiar except for the gardening. I have the original brown thumb. We have a young couple in the church who were struggling financially, and Doug arranged to have him do our yard work. I have kept that arrangement going. Besides, when he does the yard work, his wife and baby come to visit. It is a nice arrangement. I have a hard time changing some things, though. One of my hardest experiences, believe it or not, was going grocery shopping. It hit me that I shouldn't buy the things I had bought because Doug liked them. I actually had to put things back. I felt bad about it and then felt silly for feeling so bad. We have a long way to go before this new normal feels right. Congrats on still not smoking. That is a really good change. It's easy to tell ourselves not to sweat the small things but so hard to do. Hang in there. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Pat!
I have been thinking of you. Glad to see your post. I know what you are going through, my mom is doing the same things. I had to laugh, one night she said well..one good thing....now I can turn up the t.v. as loud as I want! Dad would always tell her to turn it down. It is going to take a long time to get through this process. Mom read that it takes at least 18 months. Keep things around such as pictures, his blanket, his shaver, etc. But as far as deep cleaning and changing things around in the house or garden? Do not think one second more about this not being right to do. This is your house and your garden now. Congrats on stopping smoking, that is great! Your garden sounds wonderful. Enjoy it. Keep in touch.

Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I know exactly how you feel. I'm doing the same things only more so and it feels exactly the same way. Given the situation with Don's youngest threatening me and trying to break in, I have found myself making changes to erase her presence in the house. Jennifer never came to the house without reorganizing, changing, criticizing and breaking or losing things. I found myself hiding things so that they didn't get broken.

Now I'm able to make changes and put things I love out so I can enjoy them. I have finally begun to rearrange the sunroom where Don and I painted as well as much of the rest of the house. Took out the daybed which was a sore point with Jennifer and will change that room into a computer/desk/sewing area.

And it looks nice. But it doesn't look the way it did when Don was there with me.

I know he'd want me to have a calm, creative, happy life. I think he'd probably be cheering me on. But it still makes me sad sometimes.

I have set his pictures in every room so that I can see him and have him near. That does help.

After my mom died, I set up a new life for myself. It wasn't the same as the old one, but it was okay. I hope that eventually I'll have a good new life now, too. It won't be the same as the one I had with Don, but I'll try to make it the best I can -- for both our sakes.

Hope you can continue to set up a new life for yourself and still feel your loved one near. If he's like Don, he'll be happy you're going on, even if it doesn't feel right just now.

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