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Scan on the 29th of June, and I'm scared.

Sonia32
Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Firstly hugs to everyone, sorry not been on the board recently, one of my big sisters, this time Lisa42 got me to come out of hiding. I have my next scan on the 29/6/10, and I'm really worried, I know it's scan anxiety but it's just all the emotional trouble I have been through over the last 6 months (husband leaving, then filing for a divorce, then problems with work) I fear that it may come back, they say stress is a big infulence. Also having been diagnosed with recurrent depression has not helped. As you are my family I'm always honest with you, I took an overdose in Dec, then in Jan then last week (so Lisa42 you are a secret angel because you e-mailed me on the day I came out of hospital). I spent two days in hospital, I have been told the antidote to taking an overdose of paracetamols I'm allergic to, so if I do it again I'm in trouble. I'm so ashamed again reading what some of you are going through, and having it come back again your all fighting. And I'm fighting this monster called depression, compared to cancer it should be nothing. I swear I feel like if it does come back I deserve it, but I really want another chance to get myself together until my next six month scan, I don't know. Appreciate any prayers or good thoughts sent my way, will pay you all back for them when I hit the jackpot :-)Sorry for letting those I know on the board down again, and to those who don't know me and are fighting.

Hugs
Sonia
«1

Comments

  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028
    NEVER discount what you are feeling!!!!
    I am slipping my arms around you, dear soul!!!! Your feelings are so important!

    A bit of a suggestion: try talking to yourself while looking in the mirror (I know, I'm wierd...I do it!) and tell yourself what a brave warrior you are!!! And that, from this moment forward, this person in the mirror is your best friend. And that the body in the mirror is precious...and worth fighting for everyday!

    Scanxiety is VERY normal!!! I trick myself by saying "You know, whatever there is, is there regardless of whether I know it or not". (I carried my breast cancer lump for 10 years...the docs said it was nothing because it never changed on mamo's...I sometimes do a 'what if' to if they had persued it...would I have thwarted the rectal cancer earlier?). So I would rather know my enemy than not! "Bring on that scan!" Truth be told, that first year after treatment, I requested so many 'false alarm' scans just so that the sneaky devil cancer couldn't hide from ME!!!!!

    As far as letting us down, we have all been there with sadness and depression. Even me, 'miss perky' (my treatment team called me that...lol). I remember a day I couldn't make it to the rad treatment room under my own power. I sat in my wheelchair and wept. This cancer is an awful foe, that leaves invisible scars as well as ones that can be seen.

    I guess my attitude, even then, was that my body is very, very precious and is doing it's best to support my 'inner' me. I can't do anything to destroy it. Sounds lofty, but it comes down to attitude!

    My arms are still around you, sweet soul! And, whether you think it or not, you are very brave and strong to be able to share your feelings with us...many cannot!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673
    Hi Sonia,
    I want to wish you

    Hi Sonia,

    I want to wish you only good things on your upcoming scans. I have been wondering how you are; sorry to hear you have had a rough go of it. Take good care.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392
    Sonia:)
    I'm sorry that you are still having bouts of depression. I wish I had the answer or knew how to help you with this. It does hurt me to see you hurting yourself with these overdoses, Sonia. I know you really want to live - but you are hurting really bad.

    It's important to remember that we each have to find the will and the way to get up every morning and do the best we can with what we've been given. No one person in this life can make anyone feel all better - it has to come from the inside first:)

    None of what you've been through has been easy - the board lets me know that all of us have so many trials, in life as well as cancer, that's it's very tough during some stretches of our lives - these are the tests that we must pass.

    You're still in your young 30's and still have so many years of possibilites left in your life - please try to focus on that and try not to harm yourself anymore.

    I know big bro has let you down, my own life is under construction as well. I'll be in the hospital in about 3-weeks for another lung surgery, so I will be out of pocket until I can breathe again.

    I'm so glad that Lisa has been there for you - she is indeed an angel, and I'm glad that she has been helping you. I'm glad you were honest enough to tell us about what's been going on.

    Your scan should have promising results and I can't wait to hear the good news here!

    Please take care of yourself, Sonia: I/We don't want anything to happen to you.

    Still Bro?
    Craig
  • Paula G.
    Paula G. Member Posts: 596
    Sorry
    I don't know what happened. I answered another post and some how it posted on yours.
    Sorry for the trouble you are having. It is so awful to hear that you are going through so much and cancer on top of everything else.
    I hope things will calm down for you. All my best to you Sonia, Paula
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,173 **
    No apologies needed...
    You have been betrayed by your body and by your husband. You've taken a terrible beating, Scanxiety - of course; if they were absolutely sure there was no growth, they wouldn't scan. There is always a question. We all hope that your scan shows that you remain cancer-free.

    You are not to blame for your cancer. It happens to the purest of people; it happens to the dregs of society. It happens.

    Depression is reasonable - are you seeing a therapist? on anti-depressants? These tools can help tremendously (speaking from experience.)

    I think we all look at each other and think "I can't imagine going through what ... has gone through. I've been complaining about my stuff, which seems small by comparison." Cancer is hard - it's scary and painful and emotionally draining for all of us. We all handle things in different ways.

    I hope that you will allow yourself to step back and recognize that this terrible time will pass. The tragedy is compounded by the loss of your husband, but if this shows his colors, then he is not man enough for you.

    Look to friends, church, support groups. Don't be afraid to ask for help. This fight is difficult for all of us; your battle is as significant as anyone else's here.

    Take care, Sonia. I'm glad to see you're back.

    Alice
  • coolvdub
    coolvdub Member Posts: 408
    abrub said:

    No apologies needed...
    You have been betrayed by your body and by your husband. You've taken a terrible beating, Scanxiety - of course; if they were absolutely sure there was no growth, they wouldn't scan. There is always a question. We all hope that your scan shows that you remain cancer-free.

    You are not to blame for your cancer. It happens to the purest of people; it happens to the dregs of society. It happens.

    Depression is reasonable - are you seeing a therapist? on anti-depressants? These tools can help tremendously (speaking from experience.)

    I think we all look at each other and think "I can't imagine going through what ... has gone through. I've been complaining about my stuff, which seems small by comparison." Cancer is hard - it's scary and painful and emotionally draining for all of us. We all handle things in different ways.

    I hope that you will allow yourself to step back and recognize that this terrible time will pass. The tragedy is compounded by the loss of your husband, but if this shows his colors, then he is not man enough for you.

    Look to friends, church, support groups. Don't be afraid to ask for help. This fight is difficult for all of us; your battle is as significant as anyone else's here.

    Take care, Sonia. I'm glad to see you're back.

    Alice

    My Dearest Sonia
    Sonia,

    You have certainly been through a lot. Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you, any time you need us. You know we can feel the pain of what you are going through, cancer and depression seem to go hand in hand. I to have suffered from depression from this. I also know the pain of feeling betrayed by a spouse, my ex-wife cheated on me, I figured I couldn't go on. Then my Dad offered some wise advice, you will thank the other guy later on for taking over your problem wife. He was right.

    I also have never met your husband, but he doesn't seem like much of a man to leave you when you have such a full plate in front of you. Just remember your family here LOVES YOU. Please take care of your self, you are worth it, any time of day or nite, somebody is on the boards. Please just come here instead of trying to hurt yourself, we will do all we can to help you overcome the depression. I'm sending you a HUGE cyberhug.

    Don
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625
    Sonia!
    Hi my Dear Friend,

    I'm so glad to hear back from you & I just read your PM to me- I will be replying there next. I'll save my thoughts for the PM- we need to talk for real soon. Not sure how that works from here to England, but I'm sure we can do it.

    Signing off to write your PM reply-

    Hugs and love to you,
    Lisa
  • sheri22
    sheri22 Member Posts: 273
    Depression is as serious as cancer
    Sonia

    I too suffer from depression, I take zoloft has been a life saver for me, also do something you really like to do I love to sit on my deck early in the morning or at night it makes me forget the bad and just relax. Just take time out for you it will make a lot of difference let us know how you are doing

    Sheri22
  • christinecarl
    christinecarl Member Posts: 543
    :((
    Sonia,

    I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much inside. I was surprised by how hard emotionally cancer is to deal with. We all know how hard chemo is, but nobody really mentions the toll it takes on your soul. I hope that you have a therapist that you can talk to, and like someone else mentioned meds. Although I am sure these are all things you already know. I am sorry about your husband, nobody deserves to be abandoned by someone that took an oath in front of God and everybody to love you in sickness and in health. He sounds like he really is lacking something inside. Maybe him being gone is like the universes way of cleaning house for you. You do not need someone around that is going to run off when things get tough, good riddance to him!

    I know that you have what it takes inside of you to pull yourself through the dark times, you are way stronger than you will every realize, you are tougher than cancer and depression combined!

    I just had my 4th 3 month checkup last Friday, it definitely is scary, but I have faith that everything is going to be just fine for you too.

    Please pm me if you every need to talk. I will keep you in my prayers.

    -Chris
  • Aud
    Aud Member Posts: 479
    Dear Sonia
    I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way and holding you in the Light for healing and peace. And depression is REAL! I hope you get some relief soon, whether meds, counseling, whatever it takes. And you do not deserve for it to come back.
    You are strong and you will be well.
    Love and hope to you,
    Holding you in the Light,
    Aud
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    KathiM said:

    NEVER discount what you are feeling!!!!
    I am slipping my arms around you, dear soul!!!! Your feelings are so important!

    A bit of a suggestion: try talking to yourself while looking in the mirror (I know, I'm wierd...I do it!) and tell yourself what a brave warrior you are!!! And that, from this moment forward, this person in the mirror is your best friend. And that the body in the mirror is precious...and worth fighting for everyday!

    Scanxiety is VERY normal!!! I trick myself by saying "You know, whatever there is, is there regardless of whether I know it or not". (I carried my breast cancer lump for 10 years...the docs said it was nothing because it never changed on mamo's...I sometimes do a 'what if' to if they had persued it...would I have thwarted the rectal cancer earlier?). So I would rather know my enemy than not! "Bring on that scan!" Truth be told, that first year after treatment, I requested so many 'false alarm' scans just so that the sneaky devil cancer couldn't hide from ME!!!!!

    As far as letting us down, we have all been there with sadness and depression. Even me, 'miss perky' (my treatment team called me that...lol). I remember a day I couldn't make it to the rad treatment room under my own power. I sat in my wheelchair and wept. This cancer is an awful foe, that leaves invisible scars as well as ones that can be seen.

    I guess my attitude, even then, was that my body is very, very precious and is doing it's best to support my 'inner' me. I can't do anything to destroy it. Sounds lofty, but it comes down to attitude!

    My arms are still around you, sweet soul! And, whether you think it or not, you are very brave and strong to be able to share your feelings with us...many cannot!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi

    Thank you
    Kathi I can feel your warm hugs and I need them hugs back to you for replying.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    AnneCan said:

    Hi Sonia,
    I want to wish you

    Hi Sonia,

    I want to wish you only good things on your upcoming scans. I have been wondering how you are; sorry to hear you have had a rough go of it. Take good care.

    Anne
    thank you for your good wishes as I need hugs need good wishes as well :-)
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    Sundanceh said:

    Sonia:)
    I'm sorry that you are still having bouts of depression. I wish I had the answer or knew how to help you with this. It does hurt me to see you hurting yourself with these overdoses, Sonia. I know you really want to live - but you are hurting really bad.

    It's important to remember that we each have to find the will and the way to get up every morning and do the best we can with what we've been given. No one person in this life can make anyone feel all better - it has to come from the inside first:)

    None of what you've been through has been easy - the board lets me know that all of us have so many trials, in life as well as cancer, that's it's very tough during some stretches of our lives - these are the tests that we must pass.

    You're still in your young 30's and still have so many years of possibilites left in your life - please try to focus on that and try not to harm yourself anymore.

    I know big bro has let you down, my own life is under construction as well. I'll be in the hospital in about 3-weeks for another lung surgery, so I will be out of pocket until I can breathe again.

    I'm so glad that Lisa has been there for you - she is indeed an angel, and I'm glad that she has been helping you. I'm glad you were honest enough to tell us about what's been going on.

    Your scan should have promising results and I can't wait to hear the good news here!

    Please take care of yourself, Sonia: I/We don't want anything to happen to you.

    Still Bro?
    Craig

    Craig
    you are still my bro no matter what! I promise you I am trying to take care of myself, just I think as soon as the scan and whatever it shows or not is out of the way I will be ok. sis
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    Paula G. said:

    Sorry
    I don't know what happened. I answered another post and some how it posted on yours.
    Sorry for the trouble you are having. It is so awful to hear that you are going through so much and cancer on top of everything else.
    I hope things will calm down for you. All my best to you Sonia, Paula

    Paula
    Thank you for your accidental post :-) hugs
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    abrub said:

    No apologies needed...
    You have been betrayed by your body and by your husband. You've taken a terrible beating, Scanxiety - of course; if they were absolutely sure there was no growth, they wouldn't scan. There is always a question. We all hope that your scan shows that you remain cancer-free.

    You are not to blame for your cancer. It happens to the purest of people; it happens to the dregs of society. It happens.

    Depression is reasonable - are you seeing a therapist? on anti-depressants? These tools can help tremendously (speaking from experience.)

    I think we all look at each other and think "I can't imagine going through what ... has gone through. I've been complaining about my stuff, which seems small by comparison." Cancer is hard - it's scary and painful and emotionally draining for all of us. We all handle things in different ways.

    I hope that you will allow yourself to step back and recognize that this terrible time will pass. The tragedy is compounded by the loss of your husband, but if this shows his colors, then he is not man enough for you.

    Look to friends, church, support groups. Don't be afraid to ask for help. This fight is difficult for all of us; your battle is as significant as anyone else's here.

    Take care, Sonia. I'm glad to see you're back.

    Alice

    Alice
    Thank you so much for your words, I take comfort from them. I am on anti depressants and have been refered to see a counsoler or psychologist by my doctor. I'm glad to see I'm back to :-) and I will try and keep it that way, it's hard but like my idols every single one of you, your all fighting so can I. Hugs
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    coolvdub said:

    My Dearest Sonia
    Sonia,

    You have certainly been through a lot. Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you, any time you need us. You know we can feel the pain of what you are going through, cancer and depression seem to go hand in hand. I to have suffered from depression from this. I also know the pain of feeling betrayed by a spouse, my ex-wife cheated on me, I figured I couldn't go on. Then my Dad offered some wise advice, you will thank the other guy later on for taking over your problem wife. He was right.

    I also have never met your husband, but he doesn't seem like much of a man to leave you when you have such a full plate in front of you. Just remember your family here LOVES YOU. Please take care of your self, you are worth it, any time of day or nite, somebody is on the boards. Please just come here instead of trying to hurt yourself, we will do all we can to help you overcome the depression. I'm sending you a HUGE cyberhug.

    Don

    Don
    Thank you so much for your reply, and the warm cyber hug, hugs to you hope your feeling better.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    sheri22 said:

    Depression is as serious as cancer
    Sonia

    I too suffer from depression, I take zoloft has been a life saver for me, also do something you really like to do I love to sit on my deck early in the morning or at night it makes me forget the bad and just relax. Just take time out for you it will make a lot of difference let us know how you are doing

    Sheri22

    Sheri
    Hugs sorry for what your going through, I need to learn not to let things get to me. I will try and learn to let go and look after myself.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071

    :((
    Sonia,

    I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much inside. I was surprised by how hard emotionally cancer is to deal with. We all know how hard chemo is, but nobody really mentions the toll it takes on your soul. I hope that you have a therapist that you can talk to, and like someone else mentioned meds. Although I am sure these are all things you already know. I am sorry about your husband, nobody deserves to be abandoned by someone that took an oath in front of God and everybody to love you in sickness and in health. He sounds like he really is lacking something inside. Maybe him being gone is like the universes way of cleaning house for you. You do not need someone around that is going to run off when things get tough, good riddance to him!

    I know that you have what it takes inside of you to pull yourself through the dark times, you are way stronger than you will every realize, you are tougher than cancer and depression combined!

    I just had my 4th 3 month checkup last Friday, it definitely is scary, but I have faith that everything is going to be just fine for you too.

    Please pm me if you every need to talk. I will keep you in my prayers.

    -Chris

    Hugs
    chris thanks for replying, will fb you soon.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    Aud said:

    Dear Sonia
    I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way and holding you in the Light for healing and peace. And depression is REAL! I hope you get some relief soon, whether meds, counseling, whatever it takes. And you do not deserve for it to come back.
    You are strong and you will be well.
    Love and hope to you,
    Holding you in the Light,
    Aud

    Aud
    hugs your prayers and good thoughts are appreciated, and thank you for thinking I am strong, dont feel it, but thank you.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    lisa42 said:

    Sonia!
    Hi my Dear Friend,

    I'm so glad to hear back from you & I just read your PM to me- I will be replying there next. I'll save my thoughts for the PM- we need to talk for real soon. Not sure how that works from here to England, but I'm sure we can do it.

    Signing off to write your PM reply-

    Hugs and love to you,
    Lisa

    Lisa
    after donna your like my second big sister that I have inherited and I'm glad I have. Will PM you hugs.