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membermeg's picture
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

I have shared before, and it has only gotten worse. I work in a hospital and lost my mom only 3 MONTHS AGO!!!! If you anything about grief or decide to do your homework before making horrible conclusions, one might know that at 3 months it could get worse. Reality starts to kick in. But no! Not where I work, they expect me to be over my mom, my best friend in 3 months. I am so angry right now. I want to just walk out. please help me. I am here for my patients not for those who work here. I want to make a difference in my patients that have cancer and sometimes I need to release my cries or need to go for a walk bc i miss her so much and shed some tears and get encouragement from my father and they frown down on that bc they think I should be over that by now. Please help. Are their any grief sites that I could print pages off and show to my supervisor

soccerfreaks's picture
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

I am certainly not going to win many friends with this, I am sure, but I am going to suggest that perhaps your work and your supervisor are not the problem here, but that the problem lies within.

For the first part, we clearly need time to grieve, and as you suggest, grieving is an individual process consisting of many steps, each of which we handle in our own way. However, once you decided that you were ready to return to work, you announced, implicitly, that you were ready to once again adhere to workplace policies and to perform at expected levels.

Whether, on a personal level, your co-workers and supervisors are behaving in an unseemly way, I cannot say, but it does appear to me from your description of events that from a strictly work-related viewpoint, your place of employment is not to blame for expecting you to be at 100%, NOT because "the time for grieving is past" but because YOU went back to work, thereby indicating you were prepared to perform in an expected and competent way.

As for the second part, again I cite your own suggestion that grieving is not so simple. Perhaps, in your case, it would be a good idea to seek therapy? It seems that you are stuck among a couple or three of the 'phases' of grieving, among them now anger to go with your deep mourning.

This is not to suggest that there is something wrong with you in any perjorative sense, membermeg, but that you, like many of us, may have some issues dealing with the loss of a loved one that talking to someone else on a regular basis might help you to resolve.

If you insist upon finding literature, might I suggest curetoday.com, the online version of a cancer-oriented publication sponsored by ACS. I know they have articles regarding grief, its stages, and how to deal with that grief.

I wish you the best. I know that it is not easy to lose a loved one, and I know it as a father and as a son.

Take care,


membermeg's picture
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

Well, I figured I would spare all the details of what is going on, however, it was not enough for information for you and therefore you are placing the blame on me where it should not be. I will be the first one to admit I was wrong. So here ya go, you leave me no choice my friend

1. A month after my mother passed away I was on a leave and my work thought it best if I return to work to help patients and there fore help me. I said "well it has only been a month and I am not ready. So, we agreed upon extra breaks if needed. It was okayed by all levels. So, here I am working, grieving my mother and when I got upset they were fine and more than happy to let me take a walk and get it back together.

2. 2 months later, all of a sudden they think that I should be past the grieving stage and there for stop all my extra breaks (co-workers of mine were complaining about it bc they did not get extra breaks.....did they just lose there best friend or there mother). A supervisor made a comment that he thinks I am not emotionally where I should be after 3 months and there for thinks I need counseling. Little did he know I have a very large supports system consisting of preachers, doctors, therapists, and family. It was very inappropriate for him to judge where I am in my grief especially since he has never experienced grief before.

I could continue however, I do not feel the need to. 3 months is well known for it to hit hard, real hard. And working in the medical field they should have done their research before coming to me and making accusations and judging me. I am here for my patients and all of my patients love me and I have never had one single complaint about how I treated someone. They were only concerned about the fairness to my co-workers that I got extra break here and there when I felt weak. And if a co-worker was in my shoes, she could take as many breaks as she needed to get through her grieve and I would have been the last one to judge.

JillyB's picture
Posts: 50
Joined: Feb 2010

""It was very inappropriate for him to judge where I am in my grief especially since he has never experienced grief before.""
I have nothing to say about what you are going thru, or went thru, as it was you, not me. I just had to point out, that just as you were mad that to you, they were judging you, you did the exact same by posting the above sentence....
I sincerely hope you feel any bit better at this point.

membermeg's picture
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

Thanks for the suggestion though......

Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

Since you are experiencing your feelings of anger and since your grieving process is still in its' infant stages I certainly don't think you should beat yourself up or wonder if you're doing anything wrong. Your feelings are real and you have a right to them.

So, what can you do. My suggestion is to work internally - the only person you have any control over is you. It can be very hard at times, especially when you believe you are being treated harshly and unfairly, but you will never be able to directly control the people who treat you poorly. But you can always work at controlling your reaction.

Self control is so very hard - that's why so many of us lash out or strike back. Telling someone to buzz off is much easier than stopping yourself and asking yourself how best to handle a difficult situation. If you can do that, you can minimize the sting of the attack on you and you can feel better internally because you'll know that you handled it well.

A friend of mine who lost her young husband a few years back in a bicycle accident gave me a site that she went to - I'll see if I can find it - it's written on a note, buried amongst my many condolences card.

You need to love yourself and cherish the grievance process while doing your best to remember how blessed life is. Allow yourself to grieve but try to also allow yourself to live and be happy. A favorite saying I once read goes something like: What comes first? Tomorrow or the next life? We may never know?

Try to use the time you have to have love and compassion for all creatures. It's easy to do for your mom and hopefully easy to do for yourself. Try to do it for those who frustrate you - if you can, you'll be the better person for it.

Hondo's picture
Posts: 6643
Joined: Apr 2009

Time is the only healer that there is, for some people it is a few weeks others many many months and still other sometime years. I lost my Mother and brother to Cancer and here I am with NPC doing as they did before me, fighting to stay alive. Why the fight because there are people we too love and don’t want to leave in this world alone. The way I found to deal with it was to just give it to God, my madness as to why me, and what is going to happen to my Wife and children after I am gone, I put all into his hands.

I know you are hurting and may even be passed the grieving stage and into the madness stage. I want to let you know it is OK and it is normal. Just remember your Mother for all the good times you had with her, remember all the fun things you did together, when you are sad pull out some old pictures and recall what it was like when she was alive. This is what I believe your Mother would want you to do, this is what I want my Wife to do to remember me.

There is a time and there is a place that I believe God will again join together all of those who have put there Faith in him, so parting in this world is only a short time to be apart. If I go before my Wife I will be looking for her my Children’s my Mother and Brothers, that will be a place that we never again shall be alone.

Take care God bless and protect you and give you his grace to heal.

Greend's picture
Posts: 678
Joined: Feb 2010

In 2003 I lost my 25 year old son and I should write a book on the things "not to say or do". I too had people tell me, "its been long enough, get over it", or "well at least you have another son (my all time favorite)" and other stupid comments. The fact is they don't (and you really hope they never do) truly understand. After a while I simply started thinking to myself, "you are just ignorant and I'm not going to let your foolish comments affect me". I would nod and go on with my business.

It will be seven years next week and it is still just as painful today as it was then, I've simply learned to cope internally and I don't cry as much.

I would get mad whenever people would tell me "time will cure this". I thought "are you crazy, nothing will ever close this huge hole in my gut". Well I need to tell you, and I can say this because I'm a memeber of the Club, time will help you cope/adjust so don't be too harsh on people who are either really trying to help or are to dumb to know what they are saying.

Another note: I did, after five years, get professional help from a QUALIFIED grief counselor but even she was not a member of the Club and didn't really know....but it did help me.

JillyB's picture
Posts: 50
Joined: Feb 2010

WOW, I am so sorry for the things ppl said to you! Most of those things go far beyond, just plain old, not knowing what to say. I amy not have children, but know someone who has lost theirs and you NEVER 'Get over it!" I notice you just posted recently and the pain is stil very fresh. Maybe you should stay awaay from these so called friends for a bit? You don't need that. My heart breaks for you.

CarrWilson's picture
Posts: 112
Joined: Feb 2010

I am not sure if you are still following this board, but I wanted to say I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this issue at work. I too work in the healthcare field, and have been so surprised by my coworkers reaction. When I first told them about my breast cancer almost every one looked at my breast! (NO, you cannot see it!) When I work with my patients I feel I have much more empathy and can really feel the emotions they are going through. (This is a good side effect, but not really what I wanted). I am glad you have a good rapport with your patients. They will be your support and your reason to keep coming to work.

One thing that I have realized is in the healthcare field, we laugh to keep from crying. We expect everyone to be strong and shake it off. No I don't need a debriefing...we can just keep on going and taking care of everyone else. I am fine, I don't need anything.... When it is one of our own, it is so much harder to accept. You can keep a slight distance between patients, but it is more difficult to have that distance with a coworker.

That being said, we do need time to grieve, we don't have a time scale, when you loose someone you love so much and are so close to the Kubler Ross scale does not apply in the same way. This is not to excuse your coworkers behavior, but just possibly an explaination. I have heard time heals all wounds, but time is not the same for all of us.

Take care of yourself, take the ALL the time you need, and try to remember how analytical the healthcare mind is. I am sure no one "intentionally" meant to hurt you.

Best of Luck - Carrie

Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi. My name is Marybeth. I wrote a long paragraph to you and clicked the post button, but the whole message disappeared. Your picture is very powerful. I feel as though I can see the real you, and I can clearly see your pain. I just know your young man was an amazing kid. I bet he was very charismatic and easy going...the kind of person that made you feel good to just be around him.
Those people who expect you to be "over it," are shallow at best. Why should you even try to get over it? He is very very special, and you will be thanking the universe every day for the rest of your life for giving you such an amazing kid. The memory of his precious essence is like beautiful music. Simple and limiting words cannot approach describing him. So, I know by now you realize talking to people who have not experienced this pain have no idea what its all about. I wish this post was open to talking more about the people who passed away. I for one would like to hear more about your son. I'd like to see a picture of him with you and his brother. I'd like to know what are your favorite memories of him.