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Does it ever end

Julie 44
Posts: 479
Joined: Oct 2008

I am ALWAYS worried that every ache and pain that I get is a reoccurence.Does it ever end??? Will I ever stop freaking out about it???
I am letting it run my life I worry sooo much about it. What can I do to just stop it?????? Thanks.................JULIE

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

Julie, I don't think that worrying is doing you ANY good at all. I think that you have to look at your situation and what stage you were, how long you've been NED, your diet, exercise, basically if you to ask yourself "Am I doing all the positive things that I can do to make sure I am staying healthy?" If the overall answer is YES, then I think you're in a great position. Not to pry but are you over 45? I'm 52 and I have many aches and pains but they are mostly due to the fact that I do not exercise enough. I think that many of us, as we travel around the sun more and more (that's a nice way of saying "getting older") our bodies are not the same as when we were 20. This happens regardless of if you had cancer or not.

I can not answer you based on my experience because it is not over for me, I'm still in treatment. Try not to let it run your life, that is one major thing that YOU can control.
-phil

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Only you can decide to let it go....

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Live like it's your last day, NED or not.....

thready's picture
thready
Posts: 475
Joined: Sep 2009

Hey Phil, What happened? Did something go terribly wrong? You look like that guy that keep telling me the server was down this morning, is he taking over?

I fear ther worst!
jan

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

Just to add something to that cancer topic, for the first 3-4 years I often had the feeling that the other shoe was going to fall. It is still tied on tightly it seems and hasn't fallen off yet. Try to move on

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

but you know that. The nature of cancer and how it can feel like it's lurking and stalking, even after lots of life altering treatments, adds to our natural human drive to protect ourselves, and our loved ones, from harm. Being in surveillance after active treatment with a couple of scares from a PET scan and blood tests and still NED, I relate well to your fears.

What helps me when fear overwhelms me is to first compile the list of facts; bloodwork, scans, responses to treatment, my doctor's opinions and suggestions etc to see what I am really facing. This engages that my logical brain and it's difficult to refute evidence based knowledge- what's true and not true.

Then secondly since, I'm still wanting someone to wave the magic wand and say I'm done with cancer forever, I have to get creative and engage that part of my brain. Breathing exercises, meditation, yoga help interrupt my thoughts (which is what is derailing you). I also find physical exercise outside like walking helpful. Venting, as you're doing here, along with the physical can be helpful.

I also enjoy reading and this blog from Dana Jennings, a NY times editor who blogs about his prostate cancer journey, spoke volumes to me. From this blog "After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression": "Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there’s a good chance that I’m cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp........ In the end, though, I believe in and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other. And I wouldn’t be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I’m depressed … even as I wait for a brisk wind billowing out of the north that’ll blow this fog of mine away."
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/29/after-cancer-treatment-waiting-for-the-sadness-to-lift/

Keep breathing

Leslie

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

You wanna see how someone 6 months out of post op chemo and considered NED quits worrying about it. Yeah, Im over 50 and feel aches and pains all the time, I deserve every one of em also. Their called "road miles". You and I and everyone else in here with a dx of cancer and also all of the caregivers and their family members can relate to what we are put through. BUT, and yes I said BUT not BUTT, but BUT, you are active enough to get on the computer and type, you are alert enough to know that it is always on our minds......But there is absolutely nothing we can do to change it, EXCEPT, live our life the way it was before cancer. Im doing just that and I will be durn if im gonna let it ruin the rest of my life. I am in control of my life not cancer. You are in control of yours, NOT CANCER, so do as I tell a lot of people to do. Go buy you a plastic trashcan, take it out in the yard, and kick the crap out of it. Kick it until you are satisfied that you have gotten rid of every bit of built up, pent up, anger that you hold for the disease. Then as if the trashcan was cancer, leave it where it lays and start living your life YOUR WAY. Every time you even think about cancer again go out in the yard and kick the crap out of the can some more. You will be taking all your frustration out on the can instead of yourself. You have to turn your head away from it altogether and never look back. Do some volunteer work at a shelter or simply go to the hospital and open doors for older men and women. Do something that makes you feel some self worth, for you "were" in a spiral downward and for you and I it doesn't travel that way anymore.....
Wanna make a trip to Ky. My family will show ya that cancer around here is in past tense, and thats exactly where its gonna stay. Come on down, guarantee ya we'll get ya out of that funk your in.....You've been through the hardest part, its time to start living again.......{{{{hugs}}}} and lots o love..Clift

sfmarie's picture
sfmarie
Posts: 605
Joined: Aug 2009

I am one of them, a total worry wort. Yoga helps, meditation, prayers, anything to keep your mind off of it. Trying to figure out a way to channel the worry into something productive is always good, but can be hard to do. It is totally normal given everything you have been through. May you find some peace soon. Marie

thready's picture
thready
Posts: 475
Joined: Sep 2009

I usually am not much a a worry wort, but I think this was implanted in me when they took out the tumor. Some things are so huge now that before I would not have even considered.

I have a friend that has had hodgkins and I had a chance to tell her some of the emotional concerns, she assured me that they come with the territory. She game me the same advice as Marie has given and she also said to try to set goals for the time I am in all this. She said accomplishing goals will help me keep my mind off the "what if's" and make me feel more like myself.
Jan

dianetavegia's picture
dianetavegia
Posts: 1953
Joined: Mar 2009

Hi Julie, a search for someone the other day brought up a thread where people who've been clear for MANY years were still posting. I wish it would end, but don't expect it to.

I do super well most of the time and then BOOM, it hits. My chances for disease free survival at 5 years is quite high. 75- 80%. Yet I'll fixate on the 71% I was given before my health history was factored in and begin to worry about 3 out of 10 type stuff. This really, really bothers me because I'm a woman of faith and I feel like I'm falling short by worrying about something that I believe has already been taken care of.

Dang it. I hate to worry. Good news is, I'm leaving in about 5 minutes for an afternoon at Carroll County Heritage Days at the Ag Center and have plans for the rest of the weekend. Busy mind, busy hands!

Julie 44
Posts: 479
Joined: Oct 2008

I know I have to move on and get over it but I just can't seem to do it...I am busier than ever now..I am now working full time (first time in 15 years) and am getting alot of exercise cause I am on my feet 8 hours every day always moving at my job..
Buzzard I will try kicking the can (so to speak).
I am really not fustrated or anything Its just the thought is always there..
Phil I am 45 years old and I do have alot of aches and pains I guess I should just chalk it up to getting older and my body just making fun at me for it..lol lol
Thanks all for you advice I will try to move on from it somehow someway...JULIE

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

When was the last time you did something for yourself ? When was the last time you actually laughed out loud ? and what caused these 2 moments ?.....Whatever they were try as much as possible to duplicate them. Sooner or later the thought doesn't absorb you as much. It was the same here but it finally kicked in to why am I here and not enjoying my life ? Why did I go through all of this BS and still acts as though Im still in it. Im out, Im alive, and I am able to go and do as I want again...Life is GREAT Julie, ITS GREAT...LIVE IT GIRL...Tell me, what is your most favorite thing to do ?........Clift

Julie 44
Posts: 479
Joined: Oct 2008

is to work in my garden....I am done with that now for the season..I cut it all back and put the mulched leaves on it to protect it form frost and snow..I live in upstate New York so we already had frost seceral time...YUCK...
I was thinking hard and I think that maybe alot has to do with starting a new job this year which I really don't like...I was a school bus driver for 15 years (which I really loved)than when I got cancer they took my run away because they had just started out sourcing the buses..I was left with a crappy run(hour wise)Then I was given an oppertunity to this job as a monitor for the high school..If I didn't take it I would have to go to the other company for less pay and would have to pay for my insurance and lose my senority and freeze my retirement.So I had no choice but to take this other job...
It is another whole ball game doing this job...The higher ups don't back you up and the kids see that then they have no respect for you..So they tell you to f off..Not happy to be called all kinds of names and to be ignored.There is no respect for adults anymore..The kids get soo codeled and if you are a favorite one look out you can do nothing wrong and the staff doesn't even report these kids because whats the point...
It gets very fustrating becasue I am no dummy and I can handle things my self but they want us to report everything so why are we there???? I just don't get it...
Sorry for venting sooo much but it does make sense on why its on my mind because unhappiness make life more depressing and leads to more sickness and more problems,,,Does this make any sense to you???
Sorry for blabbering on and on...Thanks for listening......JULIE

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