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didn't want to steal mike's limelight

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

So - I'm making my own - number six is attached to my hip now, coming unplugged tomorrow. I hope it's as you all say - faster on the way down - by then the winter will be over and spring will have sprung.

What I have learned so far -

thank goodness this is winter, can't imagine not being able to drink anything cold on a 93 degree day!

The itching that I was experiencing was caused by the decedron. I was told yesterday that the reason they inject it over a 15 minute period of time is bacause any faster causes itching, although that's what they did before, I got the itchies (down below really bad) they slowed it down to 20 minutes - all is good this time.

It's ok to be angry, to cry and stomp my feet. that lasts all of 10 minutes and its over. and i am fine. and i will be just fine.

It's hard to explain chemo brain to anyone when you can't figure out what you are trying to say!

All 3 of my kids are having trouble, none of them can depend on their father(s) and they call me. One is unemployed and can't pay his rent. the other is trying hard to get her ged, but having a hard time with her boyfriend. the other, 16y/o is in jail and constantly calling which costs 25 per 20 minute call, and then asking for money. I have learned that it is ok to simply say "no." I have been a mom for 27 years, and this is the first time I have had to really concentrate on me, and if they can't live with that for 6 months, so be it. they are grown (sort of) and need to deal with it for a little while. they should be thankful they aren't here on one of my grumpy days!

The most important thing I have learned (and am still having a hard time with), is to depend on someone else. I've never done that, not since I was 14. Especially since the one I am depending on I have known for 27 years, but have only been with 3, and still don't feel like he deserved this! Nick has been my rock and I am very lucky to have him, as we all are to have that special person to help us.

You really find out who your friends are through this. My best friend of 40 years flew here twice from florida to help nick, and she'll be back in April towards the end of it. I got phone calls, visits, and flowers from people that I have mostly worked with via phone, and I didn't think I had any friends here. One of the truck drivers wives sent me the whole makings - paints, brushes and all to make my own cards, she doesn't know me, but knows I like arts and crafts, and loved her homemade card, just wish she had sent something that told me what to do with the stuff...

Hey, our landord even found out, and learned that I live in the bedroom cause downstairs is too cold, they are sending out someone tomorrow to change the thermostat and re-weatherize so I can go to the kitchen!

And one other really important thing - this is the best place to talk to people. I just found out through a grapevine that a friend of mine just had cancerous polyps removed, she hasn't told me yet, but I have a feeling that she will soon - and I will be sending her here. thank you to everyone here.

*hugs*

Sherrie

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Sherrie,

I appreciated reading all that you shared with us. It's wonderful to find out people care so much, isn't it?! As a mom myself, what you wrote about your three kids' struggles hit me in the heart. Yes, you need to take care of yourself right now while still letting them know you care, of course, but need to concentrate on your own health too, right now. I will be praying for your kids, OK?

You take care & God bless,
Lisa

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

Somedays I think they need it more than I do! But, I think they understand that I can't be any good to them right now (geez - aside from writing a check), and if I don't take care of me now, I will not be able to take care of them later...

PS. I still think that this was God's way of teaching me to take care of me, and to learn to let someone else help me.....a lesson that I never learned before. Sometimes, ya just gotta let go.

jel1940's picture
jel1940
Posts: 31
Joined: Jun 2008

It is hard to understand sometimes that we have to be the receiver and not the giver. It is very easy to give...it takes humility to receive. One thing I learned through this cancer nonsense is that if there is no one who will accept a blessing...then the ones sent to bless are left empty-hearted, empty-handed without a receiver! The Lord allowed me to have cancer to be a witness to others that we can survive even cancer with God's help. It was a long hard lesson for me to learn. I was angry with God, but He was patient with me. I am now 1 1/l years cancer-free. I had a hemicolectomy 3+ with no node involvement, no chemo and no rads. Signed: Jude,a humbled receiver.

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

... that hit me right at home! having to depend on people now...I have always been the go-getter, taking the kids to school, to their activities, play practices, I did the shopping, I did it all...and now, my husband has had to step up to the plate to do mostly the cooking when I'm sick now, the cleaning, everything I was doing, thank god he is laid off during the winters, because I don't know what I'd do without him...he has to go back to work once spring hits, but I do have an 18 year old who could probably be here to make sure I am ok, even though she works too, but then again, I don't want my kids taking care of me. I don't know what I'm going to do then, but hubby (his name is Wes) said his job will work with him on anything also, I feel useless, like I'm not taking care of my family, it's all I did, and then I was talking to my oldest daughter, where I said, "everything happens for a reason" maybe this cancer thing had to happen to bring us all closer together (since Wes and I were having problems for a couple years now)..maybe I was doing too much and now this is trying to stop me from doing what I felt I needed to do.

I do believe as well everthing does happen for a reason, and you do need to think about yourself and do say NO to things that you are not up for or can't do, get better, focus on you and your man, it's like we take care of things so much, it's time sometimes I guess that we need to learn to be taken care of as well, it's hard to take, and I hate feeling like a burden, but they are more appreciative when I let them take care of me.. they WANT to do it, just like your man does, so let them do it, it's their way of giving back and learning how to take care of things besides being taken care of all the time as well, you know what I mean? my kids faces just glow when they ask me if they can get me some water, or soup, and I say "yes" and they're fighting to even get it for me...makes me so happy inside that they don't mind this at all!

Just concentrate on fighting this horrible beast, and reap the benefits ;)

Huggsss to you!
~Donna

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

The Lord wants us to help each other....and to be our brothers keeper. He gave His Son to die on the cross so that we as sinners could be saved by the grace of God. He expects us to help in times of need and to be good and decent human beings to our brothers and sisters. He doesn't expect anything but love for Him from us and that we accept Him as our Savior and only Him. I don't believe that God bestows sickness on anyone but comes to the side of individuals with illness to comfort them. He gives to us a positive light that shines on anyone that believes in Him. He will carry all of your burdens and He performs miracles everyday , day in and day out. You are around them if you only look for them they are easily found. Take all the blessings He gives you but remember Him also and do for Him as He does for you. Give and receive all blessings for they are ultimately Gods gift to you, given to you through mankind.
I also have children 4-6-14 and 23 and they are everything to me but, I had to get better to make sure they were OK so its not selfish to think of ones self at a time like this. It is actually a good parent that will allow him/her to get through this illness so that they can be there for their children later on.
I can't relate to the 16 yr old in jail but only know that at least he is being fed and taken care of at this time in your life and he will be in my prayers to turn his life around, the oldest to find good employment so that his life is better and the middle to finish her GED so that her life gets better.
You have your head on very straight as to what you need to do and the direction that you are taking with this illness. Your caregiver is a Godsend for you as ours are to us, the children are old enough (at least the 2 oldest are) to understand your situation and they need to step up and acknowledge what you are going through. The 16 yr old is old enough also but it hasn't sunk in evidently but he will come around Im sure. I am truly sorry that these things happen but when all else seems to be going down the tubes if you turn to God and give Him all of your burdens life gets better immediately, you have to trust Him........God Bless ya hun....and He will :-)

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daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

it's zero outside this morning! with a wind chill of minus 14. It's mornings like these that I am soooo grateful Nick had that remote start put in my truck - I fought that, didn;t want to spend the money, or seem spoiled! well, spoil me rotten, I love that thing! My buddy comes out today @ 12:30, 6 down, 6 to go, time for my big crash!

I did try something different this time - Advil PM. I started having headaches and leg aches and decided since I have so much trouble sleeping the 2 nights that I have buddy attached, I took one each night. Slept like a baby. I am hoping the crash won't be as bad as it has been, shoot I have crashed from 2pm thurdays, get up to go potty and then to work Friday, and then sleep from Friday afternoon to saturday noon. By sunday I start feeling better, but still look forward to nap time, well, at least rest time - 2pm everyday and lay there and watch Rachel Ray....lol.

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

When you have cancer you really do find out who your friends are. Sometimes we have to lean on others for a little while. God bless you.

jenben59
Posts: 144
Joined: Jan 2009

DayDreamer, your comments make me feel better about my situation, especially the part about the kids. Although I only have two and they are now 20 and 26 and doing alright, I was always their "rock". I've been divorced for 15 years and their father was so "on and off" that they really did not have a relationship with him. Their grandparents passed away when they were babies and no other family lived in Texas...scattered around the country. I was always the one for everything the needed/wanted. I have had to say "no" a few times, but I find they don't ask me for anything now and are trying to be supportive. I, too have to focus on myself and try to beat this cancer. It is difficult for me at times because I feel like I'm letting them down and not doing my "job"! I do cry about this situation too and tend to blame myself...(what did I do to get this cancer...eat wrong, smoke, not get a check up earlier???) One bit of good news, my ex-husband that owes me a huge amount of back child support found out I have cancer and is paying it now! (the kids are grown) He even calls and checks up on me! So, I guess this is a blessing I was not counting on! Now I feel like I need a "outlet" to keep me occupied and not let this situation take over every part of my life.

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

My oldest lives in Maine, never knew his dad, he left while I was pregnant. I managed to get one support check just a few years ago - 82.00!

The other 2 are in Florida, my daughter lives with her boyfriend, my son was supposed to be living with his dad. However, his dad lives with a girl that threw her own son out and doesn't want Joe there, so Joe was living on the streets, I didn't know about it until it was too late. The 2 were here with me for a while, but being raised in Florida, they hated minnesota and the cold, and even worse, resented my fiance and caused mounds of trouble, up to and including having us robbed. They both realize now that what they did was wrong, and that I was really trying to make things better for them, however, now it is a bit too late, the damage is done. I'm in the middle of my kids and my fiance, and right now, the only thing I have to do is concentrate on me and write checks!

I also think about what did I do to get this cancer, including eating wrong, smoking, drinking, I grew up in the 70's and do not remember alot of it. But I look at so many people who have done everything right and also get it, so I don't know what to think, cancer doesn't seem to care who it hits.

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