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Just fell apart

impactzone's picture
impactzone
Posts: 531
Joined: Aug 2006

Hey guys,
My surgery got pushed back for the liver met because I have a pulmonary embolism and am now on blood thinners. After hearing this I went to a school awards banquet where my son recieved some very special recognition, I couldn't handle it. As a 47 year old man, I just started crying and had to quietly leave. 30 minutes at least of deep tears. I am still crying as I try to type this. My wife, church and family has been so great but tonight I just lost it.....so sad, and mad and discouraged..... I know I have to rise up and fight but right now I just want to curl into a ball...
Thanks
Impactzone

lynn1222
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2006

dear impact zone i am so sorry for the way you are feeling. first please try to hang in there and keep fighting the fight. second, it is ok to have an occasional break down. we are entitled to it. we go through an awful lot during our battle.please take it easy as pulmonary emabolisms are nothing to mess around with.i will pray for you and i know god will hear me. as for the surgery, dont rush it, it will come soon enough.

hugs lynn

changing
Posts: 135
Joined: Oct 2006

Hi, so sorry to read of your pain...esp. this late at night. My husband was put on a blood thinner yesterday (he has ca too). Surely it hurts seeing your son ...and wondering what will tomorrow bring. I had a similar moments 20yrs ago while fighting breast cancer...hope your encouraged a little bit by that.
I'm encouraged to read that you do have friends and esp. faith....don't know what I'd be without faith. As far as the tears...well the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept"...I'm sure he feels your pain...I sure feel for you and will be praying. Take time for yourself but please try to limit that time (maybe 5- 15 minutes of crying at a time) and then move forward with your faith and all the "positiveness" you can muster up. We're here for you and holding you up in our prayers Ginny

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2599
Joined: Apr 2003

Inpact -

We've all been there - to a person. What you have to realize is that you are at the juncture all of us have come to: You have been dealt a crappy hand, but you have to make thebest of it and play it out. The alternative - folding - is not an option.

Let yourself mourn for a while, but you must eventually pull yourself out of it and go after the dragon withall you've got.

scouty's picture
scouty
Posts: 1976
Joined: Apr 2004

Then curl up in that ball and listen to your inner voices. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I so admire that you had the guts/balls to type this message, "boys don't usually show that side of themselves". I wish I knew your name so I could add you to my prayer list cuz darlin you deserve it. I will just have to add impactzone for now.

I am still shaking my head with wonderment but sweetie, please take the extra time to prepare your body, soul, and spirit for your liver met surgery (maybe it just wasn't in the stars for you right now, it could be a good thing). Try to take a negative and turn it into a positive. I know you will after you release all those emotions. Cry sweetie, cry as much as you need to. It cleanses the soul and as it does, it washes away those dead cancer cells and negative energy!!!! I really believe that.

Feel the semi-colons with our arms around you.

What special award did your son get? He sounds like a chip off the ole block.

Hugs, Lisa P.

changing
Posts: 135
Joined: Oct 2006

Yes, tell us about the reward!

fedester
Posts: 757
Joined: Jul 2004

impact,
we have all been where you are now.
go ahead and take the time to regroup.
just last week i had an outburst said some things i didn't mean and than said i was sorry.
this is a bump in the road.
regroup and than come at the beast with everything you have. as bob said folding is not an option.
be well
and never,ever give up!!!
bruce

CAMaura
Posts: 719
Joined: Feb 2005

Don't forget how strong you truly are -- even in that little ball tonight or tomorrow. You are human, and please, please be thankful for your vulnerability. Hang in there and rest with your family. Sunday is a good day to just chill and the rain here on the Peninsula might be just what you need. Know that there are only good thoughts coming your way. This little cry was probably the best thing that could have happened. We try really hard, but we are not perfect...Now you can be an even better example for your family, your friends, your students - 'cuz you are just being you (and it isn't always as easy as one hopes or thinks)...All the best to you and I am SURE you will be feeling stronger in the morning - Maura

valeriec's picture
valeriec
Posts: 350
Joined: Oct 2006

Dear impactzone,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You must be so proud of your son, as I am sure he is proud of you. Take the time you need to be sad, mad, and discouraged and then get right back in the GAME!!!
Have faith,
ValerieC

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Yup. Classic beast. Terrorist!!!!

If you didn't feel down once in a while, I would have to come and pinch you to make sure you were 'real'!!! I remember many a night (mostly in the hospital, working thru an obstruction) feeling lost and wanting to just go away. YOU can't do what I found helped...I always shaved my legs. First time I asked for a big tub of water and a razor, the nurses thought I wanted to slash my wrists, for heaven's sake!!!! I STILL laugh about that, and still shave my legs in times of stress...

Roll up, ball style, cry, scream, whatever makes you feel better...NONE of us are superhumans! Then, when you are feeling better, the rearming and continuing the fight will be easy!!! (I would refrain from the leg shaving thing, tho...your family would most certainly think you were over the line...rofl)

Hugs, Kathi

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

G'day Impact,
Hugs mate. It has got me stuffed why we love life so much,it is the most unrelenting,unforgiving full on 24/7 thing we have to deal with. Give it half a chance and it slinks off like a mongrel dog and leaves us forever. There are no time outs or breaks for a breather. Fortunately we cancer survivors are as bad as life , we hang on like a mongrel dog with a bone , we don't lose nuthin without a fight. There is a major difference though ,life with cancer doesn't have any friends, we do,lean on us mate ,you'll get by with a little help from your friends.
Ron.

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2599
Joined: Apr 2003

Wow, Ron...

I just wanted to say that was really profound. What a great post - of course you're showing your age when you quote Joe Cocker, but what a great post.

Cheers, Mate

- Sponge

betina61's picture
betina61
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

Dear impactzone,I can feel your pain and wish I could tell you something that will make you feel better, right now you are very sensible,and you got very emotional,seeing your son receiving that recognition,same thing would happen to me, but things will get better for you,because all of us are strongly praying for you and God is already listening.

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1080
Joined: Aug 2003

I am sending hugs your way. When I was first diagnosed my youngest was a freshman in high school. I would drop him off at school and cry all the way to work. I didn't think I would see him graduate. Well, he graduated in June and I cried tears of joy all through the ceremony. I was sobbing.

You will get through this. It is ok to cry, but remember to get back in the fight.

We have all been where you are now. Please come back and vent any tome.

Maureen

jams67's picture
jams67
Posts: 927
Joined: May 2006

I think we have to go through all of those stages of grieving that we experience when someone dies. We have essentially lost a whole sh.. load of stuff. We have to accept the new normal lives we have and yes, we've all been in that place you're in. Funny how it hits you at unexpected times. The new normal is not so bad though. Keep in touch. jams

Russell05's picture
Russell05
Posts: 60
Joined: Nov 2006

Hang in there Impact. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Who ever said a man should not cry must not gone thru many trials and test, that God has set before us. Trust me its ok. Take it from a x-marine. Thats what I was tought.(real men dont cry)LOL I learned a hugh lesson about that later in life. They did not prepare me for this battle. But I am winning, tears and all. I plan on winning the war. And so will you.

Russell

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

so many great posts already. It is normal to feel how you're feeling. I think you just have to sit with it sometimes. And accept these feelings. Don't be surprised if it happens more than once on this journey of yours.
Mary

Monicaemilia's picture
Monicaemilia
Posts: 455
Joined: Nov 2006

Hi Impactzone: I was exactly where you are four weeks ago. The day before my liver resection surgery they found spots on my lungs. I cried, I vented, and felt a lot of self pity, then I looked at my soon to be one-year old son and realized "hey, I actually get to spend his first birthday with him rather than in the hospital". It just made me realize that I got to spend one more wonderful day, another milestone, with my son. And every single milestone counts. All of us on this forum knows that better than anyone. Yes, you had bad news, but you also got to spend another milestone with your son. Now it's time to pick yourself up and work towards the next milestone (and your liver surgery of course). Monica

oneagleswings
Posts: 425
Joined: Jan 2005

Curling into a ball is good..it allows you to give yourself a much needed hug..my thoughts are with you..cancer sucks..
Bev

Patrusha
Posts: 488
Joined: Jun 2006

Crying can be so therapuetic.... go ahead and bawl like a little ol' babe, Impact.... Cleanse that pain right out of your soul... clear your head with those tears. Then you can get back to seeing all that is so wonderful with your life and how much you still have to fight for. I know you'll be back up and at the beast in no time, friend. Hang in there.

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