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It's a month of mile markers in my life

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1178
Joined: Aug 2013

Today, the 6th being the last marker, 7 years since my second liver surgery, with nothing but watching andtesting between then and now. I  note it, but don't really celebrate it, given the other markers relate to my late wife. Sep. 1st would have been our 26th anny. The 25th wouldd be her 60th birthday, and my day of original diagnosis, 14 years ago. Some details can be fuzzy, but those emotions; fear, panic, anxiety, with resolve coming later, are still readily accessible, even the moments of utter acceptance and calm, that popped up in unusual places, the first time waiting to talk with the initial surgeon about whether he could get the mass out by surgery [colectomy]. I wished I could ''bottle'' those moments, they seemed to come when I was just totally tired of being scared/anxious, I've never been one to hold strong feelings for very long, I tire of the effort and energy required. Perhaps it's why I don't fear to suffer depression or the like, because it could never last. Maybe it's the genetic break I get for having lousy ankles and feet,  and cancer, lol. This path had a lot of painful times and some magical ones as well, and I'm grateful I was able to care for family and work throughout the trip. Some times I wonder if the peace I feel so much now isn't just the absense of the pain and fear, and responsibilities I felt then. Ah, philosophy. I know I can be dragged back into the fight anytime, cancer does begat cancer, and I've had enough radiation passed through my body just from scans to leave me wondering what could be next, but it's still a pretty good place to be, and I wish all here the same ''calmness'' that I seem to have found, and hope it sustains me through the rest of this ride........................................Dave

Tom M.
Posts: 220
Joined: May 2019

You have already been through the most difficult ordeal one can endure, the loss of your wife. I lost a son over 3 years ago and for some reason I think that makes me not afraid of the cancer. I keep going and moving forward for the rest of my family but for some reason I do not fear whats ahead. This month I will have radioembolization on the liver mets. I'm not in charge so I really don't worry too much. I will keep you in my prayers that you go as far as you can the best you can. All of us.     Tom

Real Tar Heel
Posts: 265
Joined: Nov 2019

Thanks for sharing.

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