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39 years is a long time

worriedson714's picture
worriedson714
Posts: 325
Joined: Dec 2019

              39 years is a long time but that's how long I simply drifted threw life never taking the time to appreciate my dad and just had good I had it . Knowing that he was always there to help me or bail me out of trouble or just to listen to me. Become so common in that time that I just assumed he would always be there . And even now in his worse nightmare my dad is still there . Still he worries more about me then himself still he is always there to listen to me go on about my problems . 

         Now I sit here wondering why did I never saw it before why didn't I know how lucky I was ? I never got my dad a birthday present or a father's day gift . Sure I told him happy birthday and happy father's day but today it just doesn't feel like enough . 

         So why am I sharing the fact that I was a bad son for so many years well that's simple . Cause things these days have never seemed so dark . After having sepsis a few weeks ago today my dad spiked another fever of 102.5 and refused to go to the hospital . So I sit here at his bedside wondering how it all came to this wondering why I wasted 39 years never truely appreciating not just the best dad ever in my opinion but also a man who is simply the best person I ever meant . 

       But as I ponder over the past one thought nags my mind and that's for the first time ever I feel like we are losing this fight . And for the most part it seems to be happening cause my dad is to stubborn to accept reality for what it is . I don't want anyone to think I'm talking bad about my dad I'm not he's my heart and soul . But he has always been to strong and prideful for his own good . He has always been " old school " wanting to do things his way and sometimes life wants to force us to do things life's way . I haven't been able to get threw to him at all in these two years no one has . I can't help but wonder is that because the son I was for 39 years ? I will most likely never know that answer but the question is there . 

       Some days I admire my dad's strength but most days it scares me cause most days it makes him so strong that he refuses to accept help that he needs . But I guess I am getting away from my point the reason I wanted to post was to tell everyone not to be like . Appreciate everything you have in life appreciate your parents celebrate them like they deserve to be . Celebrate them like I wish I did my dad for the last 39 years cause one day they won't be there . And even though I try to make up for it now I can't help but feel like I can never get that time back . Time I spent with my friends and video games special moments I wish I would have spent with my dad telling him just how great he truely is . 

       It's funny how life seems to teach us lessons as it's teaching me one now cause honestly I should have saw this coming . I should have apperciated my dad more and I will continue to make up for that every moment there is left . But maybe someone will read this one day and learn from my mistake . Maybe they will give there dad or mother a big hug tonight and hang out and watch a movie with them all cause they read this post that's what I hope can come of this to get people thinking about appreciating there loved ones cause I doubt I'm the only one who has made this mistake. 

 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5504
Joined: Jan 2013

For some children, they don't learn to appreciate their parents until they are parents themselves.  Your situation is different, as your fear of losing dad, has made you 'see' what he really means in your life. That does not make you a bad son, not at all.  I doubt he thinks you have been a bad son. So put your mind at rest on that score. 

 

DanNH's picture
DanNH
Posts: 151
Joined: Feb 2021

Jason: From a parent's perspective: You ALWAYS love your children. Your Dad loves you...

DanNH's picture
DanNH
Posts: 151
Joined: Feb 2021

How is Dad doing?

 

worriedson714's picture
worriedson714
Posts: 325
Joined: Dec 2019

We been pushing tylenol his fever is down to 100.6 and he still says he is feeling good . Blood pressure has been normal heart rate is all over from normal to 120 .We are hoping to get him into the cancer center's same day clinic first thing in the morning thanks for asking dan . 

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1170
Joined: Aug 2013

If you were ''a bad son'' I expect a majority of us were. You couldn't give my pop gifts, by the 80's he'd set his mind on getting rich, mainly in real estate, and holidays and the spending was a waste in his mind. My dad was Korean Vet, who said little about it until he was old and prodded by us, he was very old school. He also was a flawed man who cheated on my mom serially, failed to handle money with discipline, and spent more time in the community, [president of most things at some point, and a ''bon vivant'' around the watering holes], then at home, which was also a ''Home'' for 30-40 developmentally disabled residents, my folks ran as a business for a living. Poor mom!! She ran it, he dealt with taxes and big issues, but day to day he was in and out, chasing his particular dreams. He also took us on long family trips, taught us sports and wrestling, bought our first cars, and put up with a wild child in me. Love is messy and complicated, isn't it? Pop was a mixed bag, but I love and miss him, and also wished I'd been better as a son, not as much that he deserved better, but because that's who I wished I would have been, a better man. In ways I am, learning sometimes from his bad examples. I never wanted to cheat on my wife, I made an extra big deal of holidays, trips,and birthdays for the kids. I became more devoted because of the way pop was, and when life got really hard for him, later in life, at the end, we were, all three children, there for him [mom finally wised up and divorced the man]. You're there for your pop now, the past is done and gone, the love and caring you provide is a blanket that surrounds him, and I'm certain he's not even thinking about the past, unless he carries regrets about what he wishes he would have done better. Best everyone focus on the present and the love that helps now. Even if he doesn't show it, or act like he needs it, he's grateful it's there. I'm 63 and about half ''old-school'', and still not great at expressing my love for my kids, or receiving it from them, but it's there. I hope they forgive me all the stupid stuff I may have said and done, and I expect when they hit that age when they fully realize what really matters [the oldest girl turns 39 in 2 days, and has expressed the feelings you're expressing here], it will happen the same. A bad son wouldn't ever get to these feelings, so hang in there, you're doing fine, and I hope your pop is resting easy now...........................................Dave

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 706
Joined: May 2013

We expect our kids to be with friends and live their own lives, please don't beat yourself up or make yourself feel guilty. You are a good son who has been by his side devoted to him this whole time. I hope he is improving.

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