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Why don't people listen?

CRashster's picture
Posts: 241
Joined: Mar 2017

As a cancer patient and now survivor, I've learned alot as far as being a survivor. I've learned to be my own advocate, I've learned where to get information. I've learned generally what to expect with scans and how people react. It's funny what happens when you tell someone you have cancer. I wish I would have had someone to guide me through survivorship. Now, my nephew has learned that he may have colon cancer. I've offered to help them in anyway I can. I've offered to show them where to get info, like this place. But, they reject it all. They would rather muddle through it all by themselves. It's just frusrating when you try and help people and they don't want it.

Posts: 61
Joined: Mar 2019

But that sounds hollow and does not feel right. My wife just told me that a distant relative was diagnosed with prostate cancer and they just don't want to talk about it, like it's some type of taboo. 

It was painful for me to accept my diagnosis, painful still to think that I am somehow sentenced. But I came here, engaged and did my research. It helps. But everybody's different, I guess. 

stub1969's picture
Posts: 920
Joined: Jul 2016

CR--all we can do is be there and offer.  Whether or not they take it up, is up to them.  Hopefully, your nephew will come to terms with this and reach out to you.  


Gtngbtr58 @aol.com's picture
Gtngbtr58 @aol.com
Posts: 206
Joined: Oct 2017

Maybe in time they will reach out to you and ask for help.  Maybe they are still processing the diagnosis and need time.  Don't be annoyed with then-I always try to do what I think is right and then I can sleep at night. June

lobbyist0724's picture
Posts: 471
Joined: Sep 2016

Some of us went into panick mode after hearing the news from our doctors, some of us couldn’t even remember when the doctor had said.

I am sure he and his family is still having hard time to accept the fact  is in denial mode which they don want to hear anything about it. Be patient With them. As you had offered them your help, they might reach out to you once they accepted the fact.

All the best!

donna_lee's picture
Posts: 1016
Joined: Feb 2009

As above, some react differently.  I know a retired principal who can't even tell you what type of cancer he had.  And others who have a pre-cancerous condition that she is milking for all the attention she can get.

If you hand them a piece of paper witth the message, they may read it, or not.  And for others, the search is half the battle they are fighting.  But don't tell the, "I told you so."

Bite your tongue and just be there if they want you.

Hugs to you for trying.


Posts: 567
Joined: Nov 2013

I'm a caregiver and have a different perspective.  I actually have read on this site the "how to's" of what to say to a friend or relative with a cancer diagnosis.  Basically, it's to just be available and listen.  NOT to give advice or tell a person what to do.  It's different here on CSN because people are actively seeking advice.  It must be hard for all the survivors here to just listen, when you have so much helpful advice and guidance to give.  God knows it's a frustrating position to be in if you are the researcher/caregiver person.  Lots of us wives know alot more than our husbands choose to be informed about.  Do you remember in the beginning when you didnt even know what questions to ask your doctor?  We sat in silence in the beginning.  I'm sure in time you will be contacted if they need or want your help.

Bugs Bollox's picture
Bugs Bollox
Posts: 20
Joined: May 2019

Some people just don’t want to think about it. I know cancer patients who can’t tell you any details about their condition. They don’t really want to know. Seems strange to me because I want to know as much as I can, but that’s their right. They like and trust their doctors and they’ll do whatever they’re told.

I think it’s a coping mechanism and I guess it‘s a valid one. It’s only a problem if the’ve misplaced their trust in a lousy doctor, and unfortunately there are lousy docs out there. Buyer beware. But I think a_oaklee is right. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and empathize uncritically. 

Posts: 32
Joined: May 2019

I completely agree with you--this time when they found the mass on my right kidney was just because of the fact that I observred higher haemoglobin in my blood test and my home doctor didnt give it much thought

I got tested for Polycythemia but I kept on reading what else can be -- there are so much info in google and then followed up for my MRI Upper abdomen

APny's picture
Posts: 1998
Joined: Mar 2014

It's frustrating but as said above, all we can do is offer. It's up to them to accept or not, and everyone has their reason why they do or do not. My sister started peeing blood, which is how my "journey" started and I told her she should get a CT scan since we're sisters and I had kidney cancer but she didn't. She just kept saying it's only a UTI even though no bacteria was found in her urine. Finally after almost a year she claims she had the scan (I still don't know if she just said it to shut me up) and she's fine, thank god. But it could have been too late. Hope your nephew reaches out to you but he may not. That's ok too; you offered.

Posts: 1
Joined: May 2019

Will i be able to resume "normally" after surgery?Urination and intercourse?

Posts: 32
Joined: May 2019

You will have a normal life after surgery! Please provide some more details about your surgery--partial or radical?

Dominick0711's picture
Posts: 97
Joined: Jan 2019

In essence this is similar to a support group.  To get someone to join and have it be effective they first need to want the help and support. And in my experience thats an individual thing and it is virtually impossible for somone on the outside to make a person want that support.  They have to seek it out themselves. You did the absolute right thing by telling him about this. In his own time if and when he needs support he will find his way here.

Dominick0711's picture
Posts: 97
Joined: Jan 2019

JerryAC, ditto on giving us some more information.  You also may want to start a new thread with your situation or surgery as people may not find this one embedded in this conversation.  Welcome to our board, we are here to help and support you any way that we can.

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