I am SO angry at him!

Backstory: I have been married to my husband for 17 years now.  We have 2 children together and each have one child from a previous marriage.  The 2 oldest kids are both out of the house and the 2 youngest are 19 and 16 and still living with us.  My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in March of 2017 and underwent a lobectomy that June.  He then did chemo and seemed to be doing better.  He was in remission.  During one of his follow-up scans, 2 more spots on his right lung (the surgery was on his left) were found.  However, he did not tell me this for several months.  Said he didn't want to worry anyone until he had his next scan to see if there was any growth.  However, during this time, his attitude and mood just kept getting worse and worse, with no apparent reason to the rest of us.  It was only after I dropped a bombshell on him that he even told me.  I told him at that time, that before his diagnosis, I had been considering divorce.  To the extent of reading over the paperwork and filing procedures.  As far as he was concerned, our marriage was fine.  This, despite the fact, that our communication had completely broken down and we had not been intimate in over 2 years at that point.  Right or wrong, the way that conversation went I felt like he only told me about the diagnosis as a way of making sure I did not continue with any further research.

Since that news, it has come to light that the lung cancer has metastasized to his brain (2 tumors in his cerebellum) and 1 larger spot on his T10 vertebrae process.  Turns out the spots on his lungs are not such a concern right now after all!  He has since had radiation on the brain tumors and is now doing chemo for everything else.  They had talked about doing radiation on the vertebrae but since the cancer has obviously spread felt a whole body approach was a better bet.  I honestly think the doctor is purposely not giving a full scope on the prognosis at this time and I haven't pushed.  My husband does not deal well with the idea of mortality. 

The reason I am so angry?  Beyond being completely exhausted, I work a very stressful job full-time on top of the house, husband and younger kids (both with their own medical issues) and my oldest son was just diagnosed with MS, I cannot get over the lung cancer diagnosis.  My husband was a smoker when I met him.  I knew that but accepted it as part of who I was *dating*.  He kept promising to quit after we got married  and even used the fact that he had quit once before, FOR 5-7 YEARS, as an example that he could.  He quit before because it was better for his first wife and daughter.  Over the years we have been together, he promised more times than I can tell you that he would quit and he would try, only to pick up a cigarette and start all over.  He got up to a pack to a pack and a half a day.  Our youngest son was born with respiratory issues and we were told to eliminate smoking from the family.  My husband's response?  I only smoke outside so it's okay.  Our youngest daughter was diagnosed with asthma?  His response was the same.  My comments that his clothes, hair and body smelled like smoke and that spread to the house and vehicle earned me a response that I was just complaining and he was trying.  His company had FREE resources to help smokers quit.  This included counseling, gum, patches, etc.  He refused to reach out and take advantage of the programs because he didn't chew gum.  What that had to do with counseling or patches or the other resources I never got a straight answer on.  Did I mention his father died when he was 7 of a very aggressive form of lung cancer and was, you guessed it, a smoker. 

I realize there are other factors that can cause lung cancer.  But my husband knew from the time he picked up his first cigarette that he already had his family history stacked against him, and yet he did it.  I also can't seem to get past the idea that he quit before for his first wife and daughter but wouldn't do the same for me and our kids together.  The resentment has just built that they were important enough to quit for but we weren't.  And by the time he finally quit again, it was too late. 

He told me that he felt like I didn't support him truly in the first round.  That I took him to his doctor’s appointments and treatments and stayed in the hospital (the first couple of nights but then had to be with the kids as well) but didn't support him emotionally.  Looking back, I can't argue with him.  I didn't and I am not sure I am now.  I am so tired, of so many things, I am finding it hard to.  I am finding it hard to be sympathetic when I just want to yell and scream that he brought this on himself, as well as us.  But to that would only open up a whole host of other problems and this is not the right time to bring those up.  He acts like he is strong and understands what is going on, but he doesn’t seem to realize that, even though we aren’t going through the treatments and don’t have the diagnosis, we are still dealing with it and going through it at another level.

What is worse is both of our younger kids are extremely angry at him as well.  We all feel like he lied to us for a very long time about quitting and caring about our well-being.  And that may, or may not, be true but it is our perception and feeling and so it is real to us.  It has damaged not only mine and his relationship, but that of his and the kids.  And none of us feel we can talk to him about it right now because he's not handling the new circumstances well at all.  He thinks he is but he got mad at me the other day because I wouldn't honk and yell at another driver for making a move (into our lane) that I knew they were going to make.  I simply made room for them to come over and he thought they should be "made aware" of their actions by honking and screaming.  I waited until he calmed down (and started talking to me again) to point out that his reaction was over the top.  He reluctantly agreed but the fact that he even got there told me we can't tell him how we feel.

My saving grace has been my mother coming in to town to help me.  She makes sure I have what I need so I can take care of everyone else.  The kids and I are very lucky to have her here.  Our youngest son has begun counseling (for other reasons as well but I believe some of it ties back to the cancer) and our youngest daughter will be starting.  They both need someone objective to help them with their feelings, especially since they can't tell their father how they feel right now.  I am considering going myself as well.  I suggested to my husband that he go and he doesn't think he needs to.  Again, he is handling it all fine!  For that reason, he won’t do marriage counseling (never would) but I told him I wanted all of us to go to family counseling.  He reluctantly agreed but now is so sick from the chemo that I haven’t even bothered trying to set that up.

Public image is very important to him so I have a couple of friends who know part of the story (there is more to it that doesn't relate to the cancer) but no one knows everything.  Even now, I have tried to protect his precious image.  Because of this image, we have had quite a few people reach out and ask what they can do.  Right now, honestly, other than my family I don't want anyone around and there isn't too much people can do.  Since he is working from home, there is no need for rides.  I work overnights so am able to take him to his doctor’s appointments and if not, my mom has.  I want one of us to be there because when the discussion gets too dark he has a tendency to freak a bit and shut down.  Then I don't get the information I need to take care of him. 

I am sorry for the long rant and message.  I saw several other discussions about caregivers being upset at the patient but I didn’t see any where they were already thinking of leaving BEFORE the diagnosis.  Most of the ones I looked through seemed like they wanted to stay and make it work.  I am so tired, again from before, that I am not sure I can, or should.  But I keep thinking if I don’t who is going to take care of him?  His mother is elderly and recently fell and broke 2 bones in her neck so couldn’t do anything to help.  His only brother (also a cancer survivor as his mother is quick to point out) is self-centered and only on board to help out when it suits his schedule or can be used to highlight his story or accomplishments.  His brother is the baby and his mother’s favorite and it shows.  We cannot do much right while his brother cannot do much wrong.  Even though when she fell, it wasn’t my brother-in-law she called.  It was my husband, myself and our youngest daughter.  My mother was the one who took her to the hospital and stayed with her while tests were being run.  Again, thank goodness for my mother.  Without her, I don’t know what I would do. I guess I got a bit off topic there – I apologize for getting off topic and the long rant.  I hope no one else feels like I do but maybe someone can give some insight.  Thank you.