How to support my husband through my treatment?

I'm sorry @Catholic, that sounds like a very tough situation to be in. You sound like a very caring husband and father who is trying hard to keep things together. I really hope your situation improves soon, everyone deserves love and appreciation, especially caregivers.

When my mother went through cancer and various other illnesses, it seemed that I could do nothing right, and I would be shooed away by one of my sisters who would "know how to handle mum". The way I dealt with it was to distance myself from my mother and I learnt to care less and be less affected. When I was sick, my mother treated me like I was a nuisance and I learnt fast to try and hide my state and not show that I was vulnerable. Being sick was a weakness and apparently unacceptable. I became a very independent person and when I had cancer the first time, I did everything to hide my state and didn't let anyone in. Fast forward to the first few months with my husband, one night I awoke in a coughing fit and my husband lovingly caressed my back. I barked at him to "not touch me!". He was shocked, and so was I. I realised, I was acting exactly like my mother, pushing away someone showing me love during a moment of weakness. I realised that that was unacceptable and I would not do that to him. I worked on allowing myself to be vulnerable and 'weak' around this man who loves me and wants to protect me. I learnt to let go of the control and to be kind to him and myself when I was 'weak'. My reflexive instinct is still to shut myself off, but I am aware of this tendency and how awful it is to do to someone who is just trying to care and love you. I do still have moments when the pain is really bad that I will go hide in the bathroom until it passes. I have improved in that I will tell him about it the next day. It's just so hard not to feel pathetic when you are moaning and you have witnesses. 

Maybe psychologically we feel less deserving of love when sick? Being sick and vulnerable equated to being pathetic and weak, not good attributes in my eyes/mother's eyes. Maybe a trust issue? Do we not trust that our caregiver can look after us? My mother definitely didn't me to look after her. I in turn, didn't trust myself to care for her as a result, my confidence in handling the situation disappeared.

I guess I am scared that I am still pushing my husband away a little with my "she'll be right/"I'll be fine!"/cheery disposition" and not letting myself be truly vulnerable/let him take care of me. My husband's first wife got distant before she died, she didn't understand why my husband would keep repeating "I love you". I can understand creating that distance as a coping mechanism, I need to make sure I don't fall back into bad habits and push him away unconsciously. I am scared about the upcoming chemo and nervous about being pathetic and a "****' but I will do my very best not to 

I honestly feel that caregivers sometimes have MORE to deal with than those cared for. It is terribly hard to witness someone you love suffering and feel at a loss at how to help them. I think that caregivers are completely under-appreciated and I think that being ignored/resented/badly-treated by those you care for is absolutely not acceptable. I think that me asking you guys for advice about the best way to care for my husband while he is caring for me might also be very difficult for you. You have been conditioned to be selfless and not think about your needs, so maybe the answers I seek will need to come from a third-party, like a therapist. Or, if there are things/words that you wish your loved one would do/say that would make your job easier, please let me know. Maybe identifying what you need to hear from your loved one is universal for caregivers. I know I would've been so happy to hear my mum say to me, "Thank you for taking care of me, I really appreciate everything you are doing." 

Thank you everyone for letting me express myself. I feel a little like an imposted as this is YOUR section of the forum and I don't mean to hijack attention. I have a lot to learn and want to be the 'best' patient for my husband so that we can get this through as unscathed as possible. Thank you so much to all of you for everything you do for your loved ones. They are very lucky to have you in their lives and caring for them. Lots of love to you all