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I am so tired

Twinzma
Posts: 223
Joined: Jan 2018

Most of the time I am good at handling everything that God has dealt out, but not today. I am so tired and am wearing down. My own health is failing me miserably and I feel myself slipping back into depression. I hate that place, I don't want to be there! I worked so hard to come off of all the meds and was doing great, but now I am getting closer to calling the doctor and asking for the crutch again.  To be put back on anti-depressants.....

I don't know how to be happy anymore, it's an effort to smile and be cheerful. The one person I could always talk to I can't because it's his cancer that is hitting me the hardest. I can't tell him my biggest fears of losing him. I can't tell him how angry I am that he didn't get life insurance and if he dies I am screwed. I can't tell him hey idiot you are healing don't drink that rum and coke seriously the moran got drunk last night! UGH I wanted to choke him! 30 mets to the liver and only 2 weeks out of y-90 and the moran is drinking?!?!? I can't tell him that there are days I wish secretly I would have divorced him years ago, just so I wouldn't be feeling the pain I am feeling right now. 

I don't know, today is just not a good day. I can't stop crying, I can't get motivated to do anything. I am faking it I suppose. My friend lost her horse yesterday a real heart breaking thing to watch. I was with her, and God that poor horse suffered! So yeah I am sure that is not helping me. But the Italian in me is cooking for her family today....that's what we do when we suffer a loss. So I am up in the kitchen making tons of sauce and goodies to bring over....but my heart isn't in it really. Usually cooking is my therapy and yet today it's a chore. 

Oh and that horse dying omg, I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I can't get the vision of it out of my head! I will spare you from the details but it was a cross between the scene from Godfather and the prom scene from Carrie. I may never sleep or eat again! I was in emergency medicine and saw my fair share of ewww factors but this....THIS yeah I doubled the recommended dose of Ativan on myself and still couldn't calm down last night. How I didn't have to go to the ER to be sedated is beyond me. I guess I am a tad stronger than I am giving myself credit. 

Well thanks for letting me vent. I feel a little better getting it off my chest. I don't want to go back on anti-depressants and I guess today I will hold off on that call. In the words of Scarlet O'hara.....After all tommorow is another day.....

 

accordiongirl
Posts: 63
Joined: Sep 2018

Oh my, you have SO much on your plate, you have to give yourself a break!  i mean, the fact that you peel yourself out of bed in the morning and actually face life is amazing in and of itself.  PLEASE don't tell yourself things that pull you down - you don't need any help, life is already giving you lots to deal with, so go easy on yourself.  i think you selll yourself short by saying that antidepressants are "a crutch".   Is chemo a crutch?  No.  And neither is a medication that your brain needs - or might need - in order to help you function at your best level.  Don't beat yourself up over that - it will serve no purpose.

i'm so sorry you're going through so much, and then to have to try to hold up your friend even as YOU are trying to deal with the death of her horse......oy, that's a LOT on top of what you have to deal with at home.  Be gentle with yourself and treat YOU like you're treating your friend......with kindness, compassion, patience, and love.

i hope the rest of your day went better.  i didn't want you to feel like no one heard you........please vent anytime you need to and i promise that if i see it, i'll answer you.

Take care,

~ accordiongirl

 

Twinzma
Posts: 223
Joined: Jan 2018

I called the psychiatrist and have an appointment to see him. It's just so hard for me to go back on them, it makes me feel defeated somehow. I know if I don't do it I won't be able to do right by my family or to myself. I will be no good to anyone if I can't get out of bed which is where I am heading. I was in the hospital recently and the hospitalist treated me like dirt, accused me of seeking pain meds. When I told her I am not here for pain, I haven't asked for a single thing not even a Tylenol she turned the tables and asked me if there was any other illness she needed to be made aware of and pointed to her head! That really had me upset that because on my record it states I suffer from Severe depressive disorder she assumed I was making it up for attention! I saw my GI a few days later, who confirmed it was my disease not in my head at that I probably am at the point of needing surgery we are waiting on more tests. She actually got under my skin so bad, I was questioning my own sanity. I have since filed a complaint against her. No patient should be treated like I was not even if I was a drug seeker or a hypochondriac! 

Just so much on my plate, thank you for reading and responding. I really appreciate it! And you too, if you need anything I am here. Feel free to email me anytime! Hugs.... 

accordiongirl
Posts: 63
Joined: Sep 2018

Good for you for reporting that hospitalist - she was WAY out of line!!  Remember, it's YOUR health and you have to advocate for YOU.  To HELL with anyone who thinks they know better than YOU what you need.  (Oh, this just gets me SO angry when people do this to those they are supposed to be helping.)

i'm so proud of you for reporting her!!!

Hang in there and do what your body needs - no shame, no talking down to yourself, it is what it is and it's what your body needs to get healthy.

You've got this!!

~ accordiongirl

GingerMay's picture
GingerMay
Posts: 134
Joined: Sep 2016

Just saying this is a good place to vent. I am glad you felt better after posting. Others here have likely felt similar and understand how overwhelming it is. This is serious stuff and it is hard to see a loved one struggle, and I know it's hard when they make decisions that would not be ours.  Don't feel bad about asking your doctor for an anti-depressant either if you think it could help or know that it has helped previously. Sending prayers. We are here for you. 

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