MISSING MOMMY DEAR....

Good evening folks. Thanks for tuning in. Well,  my mom was diagnosed with triple negative neuro endocrine breast cancer in May of 2016. She had a lumpectomy done in January of 2017, followed up with 2 rounds of chemo and stronger chemo plus radation to that area. SO...here we are, two whole years later and she is diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the brain. They also found 2 nodes on her lungs. She had her crainiotomy done last Tuesday, removing both jelly bean sizdd lumps. So now we are in recovery phase 1 basically. Chemo and radiaion restarts in 2 weeks. 

Lately, however, recovery has hit a rough patch; Mom has been having seizures for the past two days. It scared my brother and me at first. Happened the first time at 6am yesterday and again at 2pm. Both times, she was rushed to the ER. She is stable now, and was transferred from our local neoghborhood hospital over to the hospital where her brain surgery was performed. I'm certainly thankful for that, it's a better environment for her overall and all her doctors are there as well.

i've got great familial support from my aunts and grandmother and my brother and I are sticking together in this. But, I have to admit it has not been easy at all. I have been extremely emotional, crying a lot, depressed and feeling despondent at times. I feel hopeless and like something is "off." Like, my whole universe has been rocked and i'm crumbling but something is keeping me held together, because i could have sworn i should have lost my darn mind by now. Well, I'll tell you, it was nobody but God! That's real. If it weren't for him, I'd be in a psych ward somewhere. i would not be able to work daily and perform well. I've been okay at work for the most part lately. I work at home so that's truly a blessing, makes it easy to help care for Mom and also more relaxing and convenient during a traumatic time like this for me. 

I keep feeling this deep feeling of loneliness for some odd reason though i know i can reach out to family at any time. i feel like, i won't be truly heard or understood. I just feel negative sometimes, unhappy, out of control. i am going to divulge, i do have bipolar disorder myself, i'm medicated and stable though, had it since 2009, at 29 years old, i'm very much in control of my life now and the disorder but i can tell this is triggering it.  i just wanted to reach out, i feel upset with everything, God, my life, the situation, i was looking forward to my wedding next April, my boyfriend has been good though, supportive. however, i wonder is all this causing a strain on us? i didn't hear from him today at all. made me feel more alone. well, i'll stop ranting for a moment lol! THANKS FOR READING, GOD BLESS!! APPRECIATE ANY HELP/ADVICE!