My mom just got diagnosed, but I'm going to college

Peace as you decide

I am sorry about your mom's diagnosis. You sound like a loving child and I bet you are already a great comfort to her.   

I wish you peace as you consider this decision.  Whatever you decide, stay with it and try not to second guess yourself. 

My thoughts would be to stay the course and go to the college of your dreams.  Personally, I would hate feeling that I held my child back from anything.    

My own parents are not well and on my mind constantly with a number of needs.  They don't ask me for anything, but they struggle.  Their friends look at me with expectations to help - a few even calling directly.  I do what I can, but live far.  Even if I lived with them, I couldn't cure my mom's illness, and couldn't fix the real problem.  I understand how your love for your mom drives your desire to help. But taking on that responsibility is a heavy load and takes its toll.  (Been there.)      

Are there ways you can help her from a distance?  Given some of the dynamics you mentioned, you may have ideas of what your mom will need now and can start to put some things in place. Just some ideas that I've done for my parents .... meal delivery service, online grocery delivery, in-home cleaning service, transportation to doctor appointments.  

Maybe you don't have to make the decision now for the next 4 years, maybe you just make it for the first year and see how it goes?  Try to be good to yourself and keep things moving forward in your own life.  Your friends may not be able to understand, so if you can find support through a social group or online like this it may help.  Blessings to you.   

      

it doesn't sound selfish to ME. sounds like a gift for her!

you say " I know it sounds selfish that I'm even considering Tulane". but i see it different. i see it as a gift to your mom. if she really does want you to go to your #1 choice school, isn't it a gift to her for you to do exactly that?

my step-mom (one of my favorite humans of ALL TIME) died when one of her sons was far away at college & i was living on the opposite coast, too. what worked for us might not be what works for you, but... i'll share in case it helps.

mom was also one of those people who was selfless to an extreme and got far more pleasure out of giving (esp to her kids) than getting. knowing that she wanted my brother and i to continue planning for our futures was difficult for me to accept. although she knew she wouldn't be there with us, she absolutely LOVED dreaming about the possibilities in our futures. (fwiw, by the time she was diagnosed it was terminal.) she was not someone who said "do what YOU want" and meant the opposite. like your mom, our mom said "do what YOU want" because that is truly what SHE wanted. with that in mind, we thought that doing our things far away from her was actually a gift to her. painful for us to miss out on more time with her, but the emotional pain of it for us was not that much of a priority when we knew it was what SHE wanted. we wanted to give her whatever support and comfort we could, and in her case that meant forging ahead with school and careers.

my brother made more frequent trips on long weekends and school holidays. he called almost daily. this happened long before internet was in every household, but i'm certain they would've used skype a LOT if it had been invented. :-) mom got LOTS of joy hearing about what he was studying and experiencing. she enjoyed thinking about his future. she liked knowing that he was in the process of building a foundation for his future. she liked knowing that his life would go on after she was gone.

i couldn't afford to travel back as often. but i did make a couple of long trips to see her before things got really bad for her. why? that's what SHE wanted. she enjoyed hearing about my experiences as i was just starting off in my post-grad career. we enjoyed talking on the phone together (boy, do i wish we had skype) and when i visited we enjoyed our time together. at the end of my last trip, saying goodbye was completely heartbreaking. absolutely awful. we all knew it was probably our final goodbye. our final hug. dang, that was awful. but she wanted me to keep forging ahead with my own life.

our mom was also someone who didn't want to see us looking at her with sorrow in our eyes. i think being away meant she wouldn't have to see our painful expressions, especially when we said goodbye. and she was very clear about telling us that she didn't want us to see her deteriorate a lot at the end. despite that, my brother did rush back when we knew the end was in sight. he knew that he'd regret it if he wasn't there. and he has been quite glad that he made that trip.

not sure that helps, but... there it is.

peace to you.