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Self Pity

Kidneybeans
Posts: 39
Joined: Dec 2017

Some  background. I'm a worrier by nature. I've worried about getting cancer since I was a teenager, I'm 55. I have anxiety and depression for which I take medication. I went to my PCP on 9/8 because I was having abdominal pain, mostly lower left. I had an abdominal ultrasound 9/12. They saw something  they couldn't quite make out, so I had another US. I was flipped over and they concentrated heavily on my right side. I left the building got in my car and tried not to cry. I knew something was wrong. From there, MRI then chose my specialist (urology oncologist also surgeon). Love MD Anderson. Robotic, lap, partial on 10/12. Stage 1a 3.7 chRCC, 2.0 of which was calcified. Unifocal, negative margins. I know it's very recent, but for those of you who go through self pity ( maybe everyone does this to themselves) does it let up at some point. I keep it to myself. My family has been awesome, but I torture myself quite frequently. My original lower left pain turned out to be IBS, that goodness for that. 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1998
Joined: Mar 2014

Yes, I do. It's not so much that I ask "why me" because why anyone? But at times I do feel like it was some great big cosmic FU directed at me. When I read the factors that predispose you to kidney cancer none of them applied to me. I'm not male, not overweight, don't have high BP, don't smoke, don't have a family history, wasn't exposed to environmental toxins and so forth. So how the hell did I get this? But then I come to my senses and realize it's just a random "you're it" type thing and I didn't do anything to deserve it. It passes. But yeah, I do have a great big pity party every now and then.

Bay Area Guy's picture
Bay Area Guy
Posts: 519
Joined: Jun 2016

APny said pretty much everything I was going to say.  The only two risk factors I had when I was diagnosed were male and over 55.  I saked every doc and nurse I came in contact with.....how did I get this?  And each answer was.....beats us.  So, like APny, I concluded.....fecal material happens.  It's a year and a half pot op for me.  I've had two sets of x-rays and scans which were negative and I'm now on a yearly schedule, so things are looking good for me.  But, yeah, I get down in the dumps about the situation once in a great while.  But it usually passes pretty quickly.  I do know that every time a scan is scheduled, I get the heeby-jeebies for a week or so before.

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 779
Joined: Oct 2014

Same story

Always worried about getting cancer, US, came back to my car crying for half an hour, frightened, shocked, felt self pity..... Same story

Mine was 10 cm 3 1/2 years ago. Last check up: NED

I know it's easier said than done, but do your best to stay positive, cry if you need but then get up, take a shower, and turn music channel on and listen to music. Don't let Cancer kills you while you're alive.

The odds are in your favor so dtay positive

Forough

Kidneybeans
Posts: 39
Joined: Dec 2017

Thanks everyone. No risk factors for me except age. So I guess that's a big part of it.  I need to focus more on the lucky side of it. Then I feel guilty for having had my bought of self pity, lol. I'm really happy I found this group.

Bay Area Guy's picture
Bay Area Guy
Posts: 519
Joined: Jun 2016

You need to realize that you're two months post-op.  You've had a lot to process in a very, VERY short amount of time.  Frankly, if you didn't have some moments of self pity, I'd worry about you! 

 

AnnissaP's picture
AnnissaP
Posts: 632
Joined: Sep 2017

Totally understandable and quite normal, I think! It is all such a whirlwind. It takes time to digest everything. I still feel like I am in a dream and disconnected from the world. Take your time and be honest with yourself and others around you.

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Couldn't have said it better.

Donna~

Gtngbtr58 @aol.com's picture
Gtngbtr58 @aol.com
Posts: 206
Joined: Oct 2017

When does this depression lighten up?  My favorite time is going to sleep I getting thru the days torture.  I thought going to work for a couple of hours would help but just still.in a fog-what do I do?

hardo718's picture
hardo718
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

It definitely takes time to adjust to the thought that YOU had/have cancer.   The following obviously is just my opinion, but I hope it helps in some small way.  It's a process to digest that, be patient with yourself.  Depression typically has a lot to do with the realization that you have no control over something, in this case, the diagnosis.  Nothing more frustrating than not having control over something affecting your own life. 

If you feel the need though, by all means seek counsel with your doctor and possibly meds to help get you over the hump.  Personally, I'm not big on taking meds, but that's me and others opinions vary widely on that.  Best wishes, and keep us posted,

Donna~

stub1969's picture
stub1969
Posts: 923
Joined: Jul 2016

G--are you getting any type of support?  Perhaps a local group or therapist.  If not, it may be time to seek those out.  This crazy ride can shake you to the core.  There is nothing wrong with getting that help and working at getting better both physically and mentally.  I wish you luck.

Stub

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