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Why am I a widower at 46

wstomlin's picture
wstomlin
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2017

My wife and I were married for 20 years when she was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcenoma, or as I call it kident cancer.  She was diagnosed March 9, 2016.  She had bariatrci surgery in 2011 and lost half her body weight, and every thing was looking up by this point.  When she got the diagnosis I was floored. March 31, they took her kidney and a few other things.  She had to have dialasis to get the remaining kidney to function right.  One week post surgery there was a major problem, she had a perferated bowl and she was very very swollen.  Nine surgeries later they finaly was able to close her up, this whole time I am trying my best to be strong but it was killing me a little each day.  She was finally released from the hospital and rehab over two months later.  But she has an ostomy bag and was in a wheel chair.  She started to improve and before long she was up and about with out the wheel chair and only used her walker in extreme cases.  Fast forward July 25, she went to her oncologist appointment, and a few test run.  On the way home after dinner we were reended, by some woman who was texting, but right after the ambulance left before the cop let us go she got a call from her doctor, the cancer had returned, it was in four places now and inoperable, it returned in her spine, lungs, liver and stomach.  I took her to the hospital for crash related things, and she had to stay there a week while they figured out what to do next about the cancer.  She had one round of radiation on her spine, and then they set up the chemo.  I am not for sure what kind of chemo she got.  But to me she had improved, then she had three rounds of chemo, and she contracted a fungal infection where kidney use to be.  Back into the hospital she went.  She was released a week and a half later.  she was back in the wheel chair and she was deteriorating quickly.  She went back into the hospital the nexxt week, the infection was not going away, her body was failing, and when they told me she woould beed to go into hospice, I kept it together while I was there, but after I left I lost it.  I got sent home from work, because I was unable to function.  I spent the rest of the day with her at the hospice house.  I hd to go home to take care of our pets and get cleaned up with plans on on going back the next morning.  

At 5:55 am Friday September the 16, 2016, I got the call.  She passed in her sleep.  I was feeding my pets at the time, after I hung up I finished, then called my parents.  After I went to my bed room and broke down I was mess the rest of the day.  I cried for what seemed like hours. My girls, pets, tried to comfort me.  My parents helped me with all the arrangments, and my cousin helped also.  When I walked into the hospice room she looked like she was asleep.  

Now it is almost ten months later and I still feel like I am going to see her when I wake up, or she will be sitting on the couch when I get home, or she is going to walk in and complain about something.  I am only 46 now, why am I a widoweer this young.  I know I am not young but for this OI feel like I am.  I think I finally have my house in order.  The bank had to take back her car because with out her I could not afford the payments.

My world felt like it got turned up side down last year, I started smoking again, and I was not the best company, and when she died it was worse because it felt like my world ended.  Now I am trying to remember how to be single, and trying to stop holding my breath and get on with my life, it is not easy for me.  If not for my two dogs and one cat I do not think I would have made it this far.

I love her and miss her.  And I wish this feeling of gloom and doom would go away.  I feel totally lost most of the time.

KarenNYC
Posts: 12
Joined: May 2013

I lost my husband 11 months ago to Nasopharengyl Carinoma did hospice offier you breavement services I go to group and also have a breavement counselor for a year.   I know how you feel my husband and I had no children he has a daughter who is 30 but I don't see.  I feel the same why am I a Widow at 51 it's so unfair.  If it wasn't for my dog and 2 cats not sure I would make it.  I"m alone in a house we worked so hard to buy.  He was sick for the last 3 years of his life.   Treatments, radiation, in and out aof the hospital got to a point he just couldn't do it anymore he didn't want to go to the doctor anymore.   His doctor at sloan kettering suggested hospice at home he did live longer than they expected he had no quality of life.   We had plans for when we would retire and move to a quiet place.    He become unconscious the last week of his life I wanted him to be comfortable and had him brought to hospice so he would have enough meds not to be in pain.   Maybe he knew i was there maybe he didn't I slept in the recliner next to him he lived 7 days and I got to be by his side as he passed away.    I love my husband too and miss him so much and can't belive almost a year has gone by since he passed.   

Party of 1 in CA's picture
Party of 1 in CA
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2017

I have changed my hair 6 times, color and length, in the last year.  I have lost and gained the same 12 lbs 3 times. I have tried to get involved with new things, old things(hobbies, I mean), I have paid the bills by myself for over 2 years.  What I haven't done is adjust to life.  I know having a job would be prudent, but I have anxiety when I try to imagine being someone other than the pretty blank sheet of paper I stare at not having worked in the last 10 years. My husband worked and wanted me home.  Fine with me.  His cancer was sudden and quick, although there were signs we did not catch.  But I have gotten used to the question "How many?" when I go out to eat.  Because it is always 1.  

 

EFroemming
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2017

This is the first time I have gotten onto this site, had not know it existed. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer on Sept. 29th 2015, he passed away on April 1st, 2016. His illness was not caught until stage 4, the time was spent primarily on treatment. There are still moments that it is difficult for me to believe that this has all truly happened. It has been a challenge, some days being tougher than others. During the first year, I was pretty certain that I may not survive. It was difficult to manage my own loss, let alone supporting my two teenage children, emotionally and financially.  I am going on 19 months, without the love of my life, my very best friend of 26 years. Each day brings something different, still plenty of sadness....but less “why us!” Dread fills me with the thoughts of the upcoming Holiday Season, but I am able to see that this cannot be worse than watching someone I love in such pain. It takes time to start “getting on with life” it seems. My dogs carry me as well...without their attention each day would seem to last so much longer...

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