CSN Login
Members Online: 2

You are here

Coronavirus/COVID-19

What cancer patients, their families, and caregivers need to know about COVID-19.

Bad Day- Hating How Cancer Affects So Many Things

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

So Monday morning I got up and had a burst blood vessel in my eye. Looks creepy but no big deal. Patients were asking what I'd done and I told them and laughed about it. I've never had one before and didn't know how long until it goes away. This morning it's even more of an area with almost half of my eye a dark red colour. So I started to worry. I went to the walk in clinic on the way home to make sure it's nothing and the docotr knows me and my story and said it's nothing and will just go away in a couple of weeks and it's probably just spread because of the blood thinners I'm on. So no big deal other than looking like a freak- again- when I'm not even looking better from the scars from the rash from the last chemo. And worrying about it all day. Having cancer and the blood clot has turned me into a hypochondriac, I think. I feel stupid going to see a doctor about something so minor. So I'm complaining about how we always have to worry. We all know the person who thinks it's cancer when they have some tiny thing wrong with them but for us the fear is real. It makes me so angry.

So I worry all day and plan to see the doctor right after work and at the last minute my boss wants to talk to me. He's cutting me back to two days a week and hiring someone else to do the other days. And then when I need to miss work she can do my job. Awesome! He's figured out how many days I've missed since I've been there and he says I do a fantastic job but I just miss too much time with all my doctor's appointments and when I've been sick from the blockage in September and the new chemo in February. He told me before he'd get a temp in when I'm sick but then didn't. I understand his position but I'm so angry with the cancer, again. Working makes me feel human and almost normal when I'll never be normal again. It's cost us so much money I can never fix it if I worked two jobs. Having my job reduced feels like no matter how hard I tried to get that place back in order after the last receptionist cost him a ton of money and how much I tried to get everything streamlined and made his job easier it was for nothing because of cancer. It isn't my fault but I'm paying the price anyway and I'm so upset, defeated, feeling like I'm substandard again, and feeling like damaged goods, not worthy of even holding a job, even when I'm good at it. It's so depressing. I'm so upset, hurt, and angry and I feel like it's so unfair. Not that he wants someone more reliable, I get that, that cancer has done this to me.

I know there will be someone out there who can relate so I posted this so whoever it is will know that they're not the only one feeling this way. I'm not looking for sympathy, that's not me, I just want other peope to know that they're not alone. My boss has an aunt that passed from colon cancer and he's been having problems lately and is booked for a colonoscopy. I hope he doesn't have to find out the hard way what it's like to live with this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

Hugs everyone,

Jan

 

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4906
Joined: May 2005

When it rains, it pours it seems. I don't think we can ever be too careful when it comes to being on blood thinners. I'm on them as well due to a PE they found a while ago. I even have a note in my wallet and I set up Emergency Info on my iPhone saying I'm on blood thinners. I have mixed feelings when people complain about how they feel. To them, it's an epic event. To us, we wish we had it that "easy".

Mel Brooks once described the difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when someone else falls in an open manhole cover and gets hurt. A tragedy is when I get a tiny splinter (or something like that) It's a matter of perspective.

I've noticed people find it hard to relate when they haven't been in our shoes, or us in theirs...
Feel better, hugs
-p

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Ha ha, that's hilarious! I love those old Mel Brooks movies. Thanks Phil, you made me smile.

Jan

PamRav's picture
PamRav
Posts: 269
Joined: Jan 2017

They say when one door closes another opens.  Maybe you can take this time for yourself to heal in all ways possible.  Maybe to be out of that stressful environment is a blessing in disguise.  

Wishing you the all best 

peace 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you. I just feel like this really isnt a good time to be looking for another job. Half my eye is blood red and creepy looking and supposedly will be for a couple of weeks. And I do have appointments coming up and a procedure that I need a few days off for. The stent that I have to have for my kidney. The surgeon said I can pee my pants for several days afterwards. Dandy! 

Jan

Canadian Sandy's picture
Canadian Sandy
Posts: 572
Joined: Jul 2016

I also think it's a blessing to get out of that work stress. Things are not going to well right now but it will improve. Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way Jan. Thinking of you.

 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you! But if I don't work then ww're really stressed because we need my income. I'll keep my eyes out for another job. I'd probably be better off working on a bigger office where there's someone else to pick up the slack if I'm not there.

Jan

traci43's picture
traci43
Posts: 775
Joined: Jul 2007

Maybe by reducing hours at your present job it's forcing you to find a better one that as you say may be in a bigger office with more staff to cover for you when you're out for appointments and things.  I'm sorry your boss is cutting back your hours, stressing over money isn't good, but maybe it will result in you working in a better place.  Best of luck to you.  Traci

Woodytele
Posts: 163
Joined: Apr 2017

since being diagnosed in November, I have not been able to work which is totally frustrating. You have your chemo week which is tough, but the next week I feel good enough to get back to work but can't since I'm on short term disability.  Work for us means getting back to the way things used to be before we got this disease, and it's a big part of our life.   I guess the only thing you can do is keep getting healthy and stay positive. We all have our dark days, but they will pass. 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Originally I wasn't able to get any sort of disability because I'd owned my own business. It was a very small one with only two employees but they managed to do enough damage to the business that it decreased in value quite a bit so I came out of it with nothing when I sold it. Now I don't know what my options are.

Today I feel better but last night I was just so frustrated and angry. I can work my butt off and be a valuable employee but if something goes south with the cancer I miss work no matter how much I don't want to. I don't think I'll ever be back to who I was and I hate the reminders of how far I've gone down.

Jan

danker
Posts: 1223
Joined: Apr 2012

I was already retired when I got cancer, so that stress was never an issue.  And medicare and my supplement paid all the bills, so money was never an issue.  Now NED som six years later, but life is not the same as it was before cancer.  Don't ever expect it to be or you will be disappointed!!!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Lucky you had medicare! Here in Canada we at least don't have to worry about the cost of healthcare on top of the fear and issues with having cancer. And you're right, I'm foolish to think I'll ever be the same but I want to be so desperately. I want to go to a gym or something and try to become stronger. When I was at the cancer weekend I was at last fall they talked about how important physical activity is to keep us healthy. But I can't see myself at a gym. Maybe yoga.

Jan

lizard44's picture
lizard44
Posts: 409
Joined: Apr 2015

You have had much more than your share lately, for sure.   Do give the yoga a try. Iit might  help, not just  with the physical activity but with the breathing exercises, and the relaxation/meditation techniques may help with   anxiety, insomnia, etc. Try to find a gentle yoga class to start with, or you may even be able to find  some videos online if there are no  classes available locally.

 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5083
Joined: Jan 2013

If you are interested, Jan, I have several gentle yoga DVD's and would be happy to share the list with you. I got them all on Amazon - the only way to shop when you live in rural land. 

TRU

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Lizard and Tru! I'll start by trying out some videos at home. I wanted to start doing yoga last fall but once winter hit I just didn't want to go out at all. We had a few really cold spells for several weeks here and that's a bit unusual. We live east of the rockies and get what's called chinooks. So we can have bone chillingly low temperatures and then wake up one day and it's almost warm and the snow melts like crazy. They're what Peonardo DiCapprio thought was proof of global warming when they filmed The Revenant near here. Anyway, it was so cold that the house just didn't seem to fully warm up and I spent a lot of time hanging out in my thick, warm housecoat as soon as I got home from work, not exactly yoga wear. But now it's spring and I feel like going for walks and getting as active as I can.

Jan 

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1035
Joined: Aug 2013

Hang in there Jan, Spring is springing and life is in renewal. Get out and take those walks, it works for me. Did you ever have things going so well that you were waiting for something to go bad? I'm at that point. It's been so long since life has run smoothly, that I don't trust the feeling. Anyway, I hope you catch a break or two, and if your boss had a minor, temporary scare, I'll bet his empathy level would jump a few notches. If one can send their good feelings to another, believe me I'm trying...........................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Dave! You pegged exactly how I feel. Last night I broke out in the huge hives I get on my arms and legs. I was showing my husband and saying that I can't even get over one thing before I get something else and right now it's several things at once. So tired of this! I can't believe it's still my turn, isn't it someone else's? The cancer and the parathyrpid tumour are things that I'll always be dealing with, I guess, but the others like the hives and now the borken bllod vessel in my eye... really? I don't have enough already?

Then this morning I read about a local woman who had a baby ten months ago and when they opened her up to do a ceasarian she was full of cancer. So she was put right into treatment and hardly got to see her new baby. She passed away a few days ago. Makes my situation seem insignificant by comparison.

But, yeah, if I ever have a period of time where things seem almost normal I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Jan

Subscribe to Comments for "Bad Day- Hating How Cancer Affects So Many Things"