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So Lonely

Sable2900's picture
Sable2900
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2013

My husband passed away two weeks ago from lung cancer which spread throughout his body.  He was the best part of me and I just don't know how to go on without him.  I am Catholic and believe he is in a better place but lately am having these doubts.  Will I ever be with him again?  Does he miss his family?  Will my heart ever stop hurting and the tears stop flowing?

Ladylacy
Posts: 769
Joined: Apr 2012

First, I sorry to hear about your husband, but I also know what you are going thru.  My husband passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer a month ago so I very much know what you are going thru.  I have my time when I get mad and cry and I have been told this is normal and a process of grieving.  Sunday would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary and living alone is hard because I have never lived alone going straight from living with my mother and siblings into marriage right after high school graduation.  Little things can get me crying and all I can do is take it one day at a time.  Yes, I have grown children (none live close by), grandchildren and even great-grandchildren but they all seen to have their own lives and don't really have time for me.  My goal is to start volunteering again and getting together with friends.

I found a great message and although I cry when I read it, it is very appropriate:

MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room....
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take.
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's Plan,
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.

- Helen Steiner Rice -

 

pcebelak
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2015

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  My husband passed in May.  I have heard people saying that it feels like half of you is gone; sometimes it seems like so much more than half.  I have found that God gives me what I need each day to get through that day.  He does not give me today what I need for tomorrow, it is just 24 hours at at time.  Baby steps.  I play mind games with myself - like, can you get through the next hour?  yes, I can get through the next hour.  Can you hold on for the next 24?  yes, I can hold on for the next 24 hours - it is the next 24 years that gives me pause.  I am almost four months into living without my husband and my heart still hurts and the tears still flow.  I think he is in heaven and that he is aware of what is going on but that he is happy.  It helps to read the posts of other people who are grieving.  It makes me feel connected.  I have a friend that lost her husband two years ago and she is just now starting to live her life again.  That gives me hope that this despair is not forever.  Hope you are having a better day today.

Sable2900's picture
Sable2900
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2013

Thanks for the replies. Some days are okay days and other days awful.  I woke up this morning and started crying and I just can't stop.  I miss him so much and I just want him to hold me in his arms once more.  This is the most awful thing I have ever gone through.  I read about others going through this and I think how are we going to get through this?  I am relatively sure my husband is okay - he was a wonderful man so if anyone is in heaven he is there with them.  I just am so tired of people telling me he is in a better place.  Saying he is out of pain at last I can deal with but some people.  It has been one month and I got an e-mail from a relative and it said:  "Well, it's been a month so by now I'm sure everything is back to normal and you are doing just fine."  WHAT???????????  I am not fine - my heart is broken and I doubt things will ever be normal for me again.

Ladylacy
Posts: 769
Joined: Apr 2012

The 25th will be 2 months since my husband passed.  I am like you, good days and bad days and people who don't really understand what we are going thru.  It is hard to learn to live alone, something I have never done.  I also have family members who ask me what I have been doing, like have I gone to the movies with friends, or out to eat with friends.  I tell them no that I'm not ready and they don't understand.  I have grown grandchildren that I rarely hear from plus our own children.  It is hard and I know it will be hard for a good while yet. 

I try and look at others who live around me that lost their spouses and have lived alone for many years and wonder how they did it.  I think of my mother who lived alone for 30 years and now wonder how she did it.  I do know that she volunteered until she could't and even after she retired she continued to work at her job one day a week, but times have changed.  I have thought about going back to volunteering at our local hospital but think back on when I did and the fact that I was actually doing work that others were being paid to do and working with those that were hard to get along with and thought no way am I going to volunteer for this. 

All I can think of is how long until things start to get better and can only come up with that it takes time and this is something we can't hurry especially when we loved them so much and they were part of our daily lives.

Wishing you peace and comfort.

pcebelak
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2015

I understand your grief.  I was speaking with my son about my finances and he said are you totally discounting the fact that you will get married again?  WHAT??? I am still very much married.  My husband is gone for four months and you think I am even contemplating the possibility that I will find someone?  I am normally a very calm person but I almost lost it.  I'll admit, I never considered how hard the loss of your spouse could be.  I have a dear friend that lost her husband two years ago.  I stayed really close for a few weeks.  I did not know that this takes years.  I have apologized to her since my husband passed away for not being there for her as I should.

I write things down.  I want to remember everything!  I want to remember every word, every expression, every happy memory and every moment in the hospital before he passed.  When something crosses my mind I write it down so that I can go back later and fill in all the blanks.

Today I visited the cemetary.  He is buried five hours away from where I live so I do not get to go as often as I would like.  It was a pretty day.  Our lots are in the country and overlook a soy bean field, trees and a pond.  It was in the 70's with sunshine.  I just sat with him a while.  I took a picture as my shadow fell over his grave.  That is what I feel like.  A shadow.  Not a solid person, just a reflection if you will of myself.  The real me isn't here anymore.  I thought of him solid, resting beneath the ground and me like a vapor above ground.  The reality is opposite but that is not how I feel.  I miss him.  I miss us.  I miss me.

I wrote these comments because that seems to be where I get the greatest comfort, listening to other people's stories.  I hope you can identify with some of the things that I said and that they help you in some way.  I have attended several grief counseling sessions and for me it doens't seem that there are any answers, no rule book to follow to learn how to cope.  I hope you are having a better day today.

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