Its Friday!!!

24

Comments

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Goats...
    You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Boys:

    At a high school in Florida , a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

    But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
    1, 2 and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No.3.

    And you thought there was nothing to do in Florida !

    Irish streets...
    Two nuns were riding bicycles through the streets of their Irish town.

    When they turned onto a street one was not familiar with she said "I've not come this way before."

    "Aye" said the other sister, "Its the cobblestones."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Irish streets...
    Two nuns were riding bicycles through the streets of their Irish town.

    When they turned onto a street one was not familiar with she said "I've not come this way before."

    "Aye" said the other sister, "Its the cobblestones."

    And finally...
    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

    The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

    Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

    "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    And finally...
    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

    The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

    Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

    "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    Horror horror!
    It may amuse you Gary to know that Boris Karloff was an old boy of my school, though I never knew him.
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    Horror horror!
    Sorry, not yet late enough for me to come out!
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    The passage of gas...
    A fart is a pleasant thing,
    It gives the belly ease,
    It warms the bed in winter,
    And suffocates the fleas.

    A fart can be quiet,
    A fart can be loud,
    Some leave a powerful,
    Poisonous cloud

    A fart can be short,
    Or a fart can be long,
    Some farts have been known
    To sound like a song......

    A fart can create
    A most curious medley,
    A fart can be harmless,
    Or silent, and deadly.

    A fart might not smell,
    While others are vile,
    A fart may pass quickly,
    Or linger a while.......

    A fart can occur
    in a number of places,
    And leave everyone there,
    With strange looks on their faces ..

    From wide-open prairie,
    To small elevators,
    A fart will find all of
    Us sooner or later.

    That farts are all bad,
    Is simply not true-
    Lest we never forget........
    Sweet old farts like you!

    Kinda brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it?
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    Impossibilities...
    1. You can't count your hair.
    2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
    3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

    GOTCHA!! Now put your tongue back in your mouth, you look silly.

    10 Things I know about you.

    1) You are reading this.
    2) You are human.
    3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
    4) You just attempted to do it.
    6) You are smiling at yourself.
    7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
    8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. Man you're easy!
    9) You smile at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone else does it too.
    10) You are probably going to share this to see who else falls for it.

    You have received this because I didn't want to be alone in the "Idiot" category.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    Oldie, but the time is right...
    While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.


    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


    In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


    They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”


    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


    The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


    The devil smiles at him and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning,

    Today, you voted.."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife...
    1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
    are to see you.

    2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
    dog's name.

    3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
    floor.

    4. A dog's parents never
    visit.

    5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

    6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

    7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

    8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

    9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

    10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

    11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

    And last, but not least:

    12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

    To test this theory:

    Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    PUNOGRAPHY...
    I named my i Pod Titanic, it's syncing now.

    I tried to catch some Fog... I mist.

    When chemists die... they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns... it was a play on words .

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

    The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

    I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection,,, urine trouble.

    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home... details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

    Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Happy Holloween to all my "senior" friends...
    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


    10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

    9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

    8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

    6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

    1. You have to keep running home to pee.

    True friendship...
    Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Crap!!

    Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

    Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

    You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

    When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry **** who made you sad.

    When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

    When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

    When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

    When you are worried~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

    When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

    When you are sick ~Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

    When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ****, but I'll help you up.

    This is my oath .....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

    Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
  • Max Power
    Max Power Member Posts: 60
    History they don't tell you:

    In the War of 1812, after the British burned the US captiol building, they continued to march through Maryland. The locals pretty much left them alone but in one town, a local magistrate arrested a couple of redcoats who were drunk and causing trouble. One redcoat escaped and soon the jailed redcoat was rescued and the magistrate was in turn arrested and brought to a British ship for trial.

    The magistrate said he needed legal representation so they sent to shore for a local lawyer who came on board. But the trial couldn't take place that day because the British ships were busy bombing Fort McHenry. The lawyer's name: Francis Scott Key
  • Max Power
    Max Power Member Posts: 60
    Max Power said:

    History they don't tell you:

    In the War of 1812, after the British burned the US captiol building, they continued to march through Maryland. The locals pretty much left them alone but in one town, a local magistrate arrested a couple of redcoats who were drunk and causing trouble. One redcoat escaped and soon the jailed redcoat was rescued and the magistrate was in turn arrested and brought to a British ship for trial.

    The magistrate said he needed legal representation so they sent to shore for a local lawyer who came on board. But the trial couldn't take place that day because the British ships were busy bombing Fort McHenry. The lawyer's name: Francis Scott Key

    speaking of punography
    Receptionist: Doctor! There is an invisible man in the lobby who wants a diagnosis.
    Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    Max Power said:

    speaking of punography
    Receptionist: Doctor! There is an invisible man in the lobby who wants a diagnosis.
    Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.

    DIFFERING NATIONAL SECURITY LEVELS
    Damn, is it really Sunday already - where did Friday and Saturday get to?

    I just dug this out to send to someone and I like it so much I didn't want to risk forgetting to put it up for next Friday, when I may have other things on my mind.



    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
    from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and
    "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
    Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in
    Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
    Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are
    worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
    beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
    really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,
    just in case.

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to
    continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
    paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New
    Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come
    and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


    Mark Lytle
    Professor of History and Environmental Studies
    Bard College, Annandale, NY 12504
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647

    DIFFERING NATIONAL SECURITY LEVELS
    Damn, is it really Sunday already - where did Friday and Saturday get to?

    I just dug this out to send to someone and I like it so much I didn't want to risk forgetting to put it up for next Friday, when I may have other things on my mind.



    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
    from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and
    "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
    Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in
    Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
    Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are
    worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
    beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
    really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,
    just in case.

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to
    continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
    paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New
    Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come
    and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


    Mark Lytle
    Professor of History and Environmental Studies
    Bard College, Annandale, NY 12504

    Short stories...
    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



    Pest Control

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


    Marriage Humor

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    --------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'



    Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humor out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Short stories...
    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



    Pest Control

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


    Marriage Humor

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    --------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'



    Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humor out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk

    Dogs Welcome...
    A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
    He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.

    I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

    AND ..... if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Dogs Welcome...
    A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
    He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.

    I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

    AND ..... if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

    My uncle Carl...
    My Uncle Carl lived in Chicago, was a staunch conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died.

    Since then, every year, he has voted as a Democrat.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    My uncle Carl...
    My Uncle Carl lived in Chicago, was a staunch conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died.

    Since then, every year, he has voted as a Democrat.

    Trouble shooting for beer drinkers...
    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
    ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
    training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
    face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
    textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
    limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
    them.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
    you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Trouble shooting for beer drinkers...
    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
    ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
    training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
    face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
    textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
    limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
    them.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
    you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

    Beer fest...
    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured since you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    Beer fest...
    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured since you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

    Beer fest
    I'll drink to that Gary!