Where's Big Billy??????

Sundanceh said:

Just a Big Thanks Everyone!
Well, I've been doing some thinking about lots of things...nothing completely clear to me, other than the fact, that sometimes life can just be too much for anyone to stand up against indefinitely, regardless of how strong we are - or how strong that we think we are.

All of us are just one breath away from being humbled by the mighty tides that can wash across us at a moment's notice - leaving us as only a shadow in its wake.

That's where I found myself last week...and to a large extent that's where I still am - caught in the maelstrom and seemingly unable to escape its strong grasp around my soul.

This dad thing has worn me out - just down to bone on bone. We have been "Waiting to Exhale" but instead, just find ourselves gasping for breath as each merciless day turns on end to form another.

There just seems to be no end in sight - so much is out of the realm of my control and while I've been able to navigate the treacherous rocks that threaten to shatter our hull, I can only hunker down and hold on as the storm rages around us.

Most of the storms in our life pass over us - but in cases like this and so many other of life's difficulties - the storm sometimes has to pass directly through you in order for you to understand and appreciate the calmer waters that surely will materialize.

I want some resolution and stability back into my life - this stuff with my dad has been so bad, that it has made me wish for cancer once again, so I could at least have an excuse to cut myself free...but as I always talk about, there always comes a time in life when you have to turn and face the situation with as much aplomb as one can muster.

Alot of forces came into play last week at the same time and the results were almost devastating. Writing had been my saving grace up to this point, but last week, it all just seemed so hollow and worthless. Suddenly, it just seemed like so much bull$hit to me.

We've had all the normal problems in life at the same time - car repairs, hail damage to Kim's car from the storm, washer/dryer breakdowns that have left us running to the laundromat expending time that we don't have in abundance for the last 7-weeks...and will probably be a few more.

And dad and all his issues - having to take time off from the office to chase down his social security stuff, to try and do his taxes with no info, to handling and meeting with all the hospital advisors on courses of action etc. etc.

And still trying to hold onto our jobs and then the thoughts of Kim being sick - and the thought that I might be sick again too - just too damn tired to hardly think about it.

I can take a lot - but it just all came together. So much so, that I had made the decision to just let go - I just didn't give a blank anymore about anything...to struggle, to fight, and to not be able to seemingly find any control back in one's life.

I guess the feelings of Despondency and Hopelessness came into play full force. I had thoughts of if I had cancer, "big deal"...I had decided I wasn't even going to fight at all - not one lick...I saw death as preferable to life....my dad's deal has had more to do with this than anything else...

The book I had hoped for wasn't panning out either, so it left me wondering what was the point anymore, you know? I'm just tired...of everything...and of everything not working out...or working out like I hoped it would.

And I was ready to quit writing - I had planned posts I wanted to write, but figured to hell with it, I'm done with the stories, I've had it. I was prepared to quit trying on my book, and just couldn't find any interest in life at all anymore.

It was some heavy enlightenment to be sure.

And then this post came in - innocently enough by Janie1...and then the women here in my life began responding in the open forum as well as via PM...one such email really hit me where it hurt...because she was hurt at what she was seeing.

She reminded me that there are some folks who liked to read about Big Billy and other things that I wrote about cancer and life....and that if all I did was write about cancer, that would be boring and that she wanted to share the things in my life that I write about.

It got me to thinking...

In Life, there are always crucial events that can shape and alter one's lives - alot of times, they are the innocuous things that one wouldn't think would or wouldn't make a difference....to come to know this person the way that I have...and to witness her growth, I could feel her outreach to me...and I 'saw' what she was trying to tell me.

Don't ever think that I don't learn something myself from so many of you...that email that night, possibly saved alot of things that morning I read it.

I realized that I've just got to try and weather through all of this...but it just can't come quick enough...

In the meantime...I've decided to write the Big Billy post again - I'm going to rethink it and probably rewrite pieces of it - I've got some new stories I'd like to substitute...and I had wanted to do something sort of fun and crazy on YouTube with Big Billy and myself.

I can't do it without having the post as a lead-in to what I'm planning on doing...or it probably would not make any sense.

For all things - there is a reason - and I'm looking at this as that reason...something I might look back on one day and have an even better understanding from what happened the other day.

Real growth comes from things like this - so thank you, ladies (you know who you are) for not letting me get too far down the road...you never know, if you don't holler, I might just keep going.

And keep going, I will - right back to this board...for all of those who wouldn't mind seeing me disappear - sorry, you almost got your chance, but no bananna - not this time, but there's always tomorrow.

I'll be in touch with the rewrite and re-post...even if you read it the first time, there will surely be something new...just wade through the parts you already read:)

LOL!

Craig and Big Billy...and let's not forget...The Lion