Why ignore?

Sundanceh said:

I Fount It, Ellen!! - (Excerpt)
And I think that’s how ‘Cancer Loneliness’ really operates. It makes you invisible to other people and you become oblivious to their being. They know you’re out there; they just don’t want to know you’re out there. You know what I mean?

It’s the old “Out of Sight – Out of Mind” theory that is on human display here. With your family and friends, it can be as simple as they start ignoring you, or should I say pretending that you’re not there.

If we don’t call or stop by, then he must not be sick, right? Whew, glad we got through that one. That will buy us some more time where we don’t have to deal with them for awhile, right?

Or as co-workers, when you see one of us coming down the hall and you seem very intent on shuffling papers at the copier, until we pass harmlessly out of sight. Or, perhaps you duck down the stairwell or into someone’s cubicle to avoid an uncomfortable or awkward greeting when you see any of us coming.

Or maybe it’s as simple as just avoiding eye contact or looking the other way at just that right moment, huh? Or it could be the ultimate indignity, to pretend you’re having such a serious conversation with someone in the hallway that you can’t acknowledge our presence with a simple glance or a wave?

Or, maybe it’s that awkward silence in the break room as we both heat up our lunches and you shift around shuffling your feet nervously, trying to literally will your food to be done in the microwave so you can beat a hasty retreat back to your workstation and avoid what you feel would be an uncomfortable exchange of pleasantries?

Or as neighbors, where you see us in our driveways but you barrel down the street in your car, pretending you don’t see any of us out there and then very quickly getting your garage door shut to avoid another uncomfortable scenario that you’ve manifested inside your head.

Or perhaps you see some of us coming home from work in the evening and you continue to back your car back and forth in your driveway trying to line your vehicle up just so perfect. You wait just long enough for us to go inside and then voila, your car suddenly found the perfect position in which to park and then you scurry into your house. Coincidence?

“What, do you think we’re that stupid and don’t know what you’re doing?”



What are you doing? Well, you’re avoiding all of us is what, and I have to tell you that’s it very painful and hurtful to every single one of us. You’ve cut each of us to the quick, only we’re not going to tell you that, because we have to forgive you, because “You Know Not What You Do.”

Life is just too short to fret with this one as I’ve come to learn about human nature. We just have to learn to write it off and move forward, because all the involved parties are just too ‘emotionally vacant’ to comprehend the magnitude of their actions.

Don’t you understand that just a wave to us as you’re driving up to your house is just acknowledgment of you as a person – to know that you exist and are a member of the block?

Don’t you realize that a simple phone call for just a few minutes that day might be the thing that gets us over the hump and on to the next day?

Don’t you know that even an email can be a lifesaver to a drowning person? Even a coward can send an email. Did you suddenly forget how to type?

You’re supposed to be our friends and family – we’re all strung out with a cancer at its various stages and literally fighting for our very lives. Is this what decades of an invested relationship yields? Is this what it’s really all about? Has it really come down to this?

“What are the reasons for these gross shortcomings?”

Why, the oldest excuse since this ball of dust was created – “We didn’t want to bother you.”

You’re kidding me, right? That’s the most pitiful excuse in the book, if I’m being brutally honest with you. What an injustice you’re doing for both parties, but you don’t realize it. All you are succeeding at doing is laying another brick in the wall around this isolation chamber that we find ourselves entombed in.

The truth of the matter is not that ‘you did not want to bother us.’ It’s that you “Did Not Want to Be Bothered With Us.”

Now, go ahead and say it, because you know it’s true. It’s going to be okay, go ahead and clear your conscience and unburden yourself; you will feel so much better. It no longer matters to me anymore, because I ‘see how you really are.’

It’s not right by a long shot and I don’t condone, nor forgive your actions. And if you ever find yourself in our position, you might understand then how your transgressions affected the people you claimed you cared about.

Maybe you did have good intentions at the beginning, but then things started slipping away and it became much too easy to avoid the situation and in time to ignore it completely.
Unfortunately, this is the ‘ugly side’ of human nature. You can see now why I try and steer towards our brighter attributes as people. I only want to see the good sides of our nature, but I have to recognize and understand the bad side as well.

Then, I have to muster up the courage to be able to tell you about it and lay it all out there for the world to see and think about.

One other thing, keep in mind that as cancer patients we are sick most of the time. We may not be able to respond right away if you call, or we may have to schedule a visit when we’re feeling better or something. We might have to cancel a visit that we setup because circumstances suddenly changed and our world came unglued with sickness.

We’re terribly sorry, but do not give up on us. That is the worst thing that you can do to us. You must understand that you are well and we are sick. So, if we don’t answer the first phone call, then try again. If we have to cancel a get-together, okay we’ll do it another time then.

You have to be the bigger person in this case and not hold a grudge, because many times we can’t help how we are feeling or what pains, sickness or side effects we are dealing with at any given moment of our days, evenings, or night. Just be patient with us. Just be our friends. Just be our family. That’s not asking too much, is it?

Or is it?

-Craig

geotina said:

Ellen:
Can I say been there, done that, so we can relate. People will ask "how are you doing" but in reality, they just say it to be kind. You will learn those that really care and those that don't. So, I have a stock answer when asked How is George doing? I just say fine and change the subject rather than subject us to hurt feelings.

Take care - Tina

Nana b said:

Grilled Phil!!! Grilled!
Grilled Phil!!! Grilled!