For those of us with NOT SO ROSY caregivers

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  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member

    Yesterday follow up appointment
    We went to the Doctor's yesterday for his follow up appointment after his blood test, his doctor was very kind but firmly told hubby he needs AA and should be in a treatment situation but he had to stop drinking his liver is damaged, his red blood cells are enlarged and angry, and should he continue on his way he has months to a year to live.
    We got in our truck and I asked my hubby if he was going to AA, he answered NO, I asked if he would consider a treatment facility, again NO, I asked him if he would go to a relatives house that do not drink, are in the middle of nowhere with no transportation available to him and try to quit there, this he agreed to. The doctor offered Valium to help him avoid the DT's, so we shall see if DEATH is a big enough deterrent for him.
    Thank you all for your advice and help, I shall keep you tuned in to how he does.
    Winter Marie

    I am happy tp hear he is
    I am happy tp hear he is willing to at least give it a try. I wish the both of you strength. Lisa
  • keystone
    keystone Member Posts: 134 Member
    My prayers are with you!!
    Bless your heart Winter Marie, as if its not alone hard enough to be going through your illness. I am a care taker and this its very hard for me to understand. I think Craig hit it on the head with his thoughts. We should be there for the long hall. If we need a break then we need to take it. Its so sad that this is all since your illness began. I wish you had someone, someone that could step up to the plate and help. I will certainly be praying for you and your hubby, you must be a very strong woman or you wouldn't be fighting as you are. Please keep us posted. Stephanie
  • christinecarl
    christinecarl Member Posts: 543 Member
    I do not have a spouse nor
    I do not have a spouse nor was I dating anyone while I went through chemo. I was fortunate to have a great friend who moved in with me to help. If is was not for her, I do not know if I could've stayed sane. I have no family in the city I live in.

    Getting sick made me realize who matters, and who will stand up, it was very revelatory. When people are not there for you during that time, it really reveals who they are at the core. Yes it is a tough road being a caregiver and God bless the ones who choose to do it. But if they are your spouse or your parent, they should be there.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    It Comes Easier to Some
    Some people can rise to the challenge of being a caregiver just as some of us with cancer can rise to the challenge and other's can't. Some with cancer hit the bottle too. I think much of it has to do with what kind of relationship/person one had BEFORE cancer that often dictates how much care the caregiver gives. If one has a volatile relationship prior to cancer, I don't think cancer will all of a sudden make things better. More likely it will make them worse. It's the straw that breaks the camel's back.
    I'm thankful for the caregivers/advocates I have in my life. I've also found what goes around comes around.

    I may have been driven to my first chemo but after that I drove myself to and fro to all 270+ treatments. It's boring for one, I often just sleep and also I'd feel like I'd have to entertain them if they went with me. I have been driven to surgeries, mainly because they won't let me out alone. Even as a baby I would climb out of my crib, get my bottle, drag it back to my crib and toss it over the side then go back in there...
    Everyone's different.
  • Sandi1
    Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
    ddpekks said:

    Caregiver's perspective here....
    I'm a caregiver. I am woman, hear me roar. I am strong, I am unbreakable, I am invinsible. I can do anything. And, I'm as full of poop as a Christmas Turkey, because these are all the things I thought when this cancer journey first started. Bunk!

    I'm doing it, but I can say with all honesty, there have been times when I thought if I don't walk away (or crawl in a bottle of pills, or booze, or whatever) that I would watch myself dissapear forever.

    And, I believe that if my personality were just a shade different I WOULD walk away. That's how hard it is sometimes. But, luckily, I'm not much of a drinker, hate taking pills and am just mean enough that I refuse to lose at anything, including seeing my husband beat cancer. So, to a certain extent, I'm still here out of spite!

    Some people aren't that mean or that strong or that emotionally capable of dealing with this beast. And, I, for one, can truly understand that.

    Does any of the above make any sense?

    Caregivers
    And this is why us CAREGIVERS need to have at least one day for ourselves to recuperate and remember who we are. It makes us stronger to look after our sick spouses. I tell my husband everyday that I love him, I try not to overstep the boundaries of making him feel as though he has lost all control. I still treat him like he is the "monarch" of the family even though it is me who makes most of the decisions. He fights me all the way, telling me that I need to know this stuff so when he is gone - I know what to do. I tell him, I know what to do. I looked after my ailing mother and 6 year old son for years while she suffered from cancer. I was able to pay the bills, and everything that goes with looking after the house and I was only 26 years old and newly divorced myself. I know what to do - i just don't want him to feel as though he has lost control.

    On another note - your dog is beautiful. We just put our 12 year old yellow lab down - was the hardest decision we had to make. They are the best dogs, very loyal. As my husband sat in the den crying over the decision he had to make, our lab who was struggling to breathe and could not stand up - crawled 20 feet to him to comfort him, all the time with pleading eyes for us to put her out of her misery. We granted her her last wish, and now she is comfortable and playful agian up in heaven. She helped my husband through most of the difficult times of diagnosis and treatments - so it was harder on him to let her go than me (although she was given to me as a christmas gift) she will forever be his dog !

    Sorry for the downers, still fairly fresh in our memories it has only been 9 days.

    Sandi
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    Thoughtful Tread
    As a caregiver, I have gone through a mental journey. From shock, to disbelief, to wondering about the future, dealing with the medical issues, on and on. I try to focus on the here and now, because it's the only way for me to cope. But it's hard, and the future is not clear.
    Stage 4 cancer is not a car accident or a heart attack which takes you suddenly. It's the unwanted neighbor who does not mow the lawn, has junk cars scattered about in plain view, and has a dog which barks at the moon. Sometimes you call the cops, who show up, the behavior is mediated for a short time, then starts all-over again. Most times you just learn to live with it. The hope is that one day, the sheriff will have the appropriate court order to evict the nuisance neighbor, so we can continue our lives in peace.

    Two years. I have a new vocabulary, have found out which friends can be counted on to help out, and which ones can't. This forum has been a comfort, to learn how others deal with this real issue.
    The sun rises and sets on us just like it always has. So I get up, look out the window at the neighbors junky yard, look back at my wife, and thank the sun for another day.

    Best