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One Year

Posts: 167
Joined: Apr 2009

It is now a year since my wife died of colon cancer (July 29th 2010). Her funeral was the following August 4th. I am waking up at 4:30 AM just like a year ago. I am okay, but I really miss her.

I have been through the grief support groups, therapy, connecting as much as I can. I still have some of her clothes, she had very nice clothes, many of which I bought for her on her birthday and Christmas. Today, I took some of them, a ski coat, her scrubs (She was a nurse) to the cancer consignment store, I would rather donate them there than anywhere else.

Last year I asked her brother to pay for half the funeral. His cost was about $3500.00 He can afford it. He did not do much for her when she was ill, wasn’t that he did not care, he is just so very self-absorbed-the day after her grave side service he called me on my cell to scold me that I did not wait for her casket to be buried. He was sure that her body would be stolen for medical research. That gives you an idea of what I had to put up with on the day and days after he funeral.

Since that day, not one time has he ever reached out to offer comfort to me or to my daughter, his ONLY niece. Oh sure, he will respond via e-mail when I send one first but never any attempt to say “How are you David?” Never any attempt to ask my daughter how she is coping with the loss of her mom.

He came up and left flowers at her grave site last week. He did not stop and say hello, he did not tell me he was coming. The only reason I know is because the bouquet has his name on it.

I have wondered if he felt put off sharing the cost of his sisters funeral or that he does not know how to grieve. At any rate, his actions leave me hurt and angry. I guess this is my fault in some ways because I was expecting a change in a person that I really should not have assumed would happen.

This is the place I can share crap like this.



Barbara53's picture
Posts: 658
Joined: Aug 2009

Has it been a year? All the strain and heartbreak you went through those last months seem like yesterday. Your brother in law will never understand the huge chunk of your life that you willingly gave to his sister out of love, but he does understand the emptiness her departure left behind. He is grieving. That's the one thing you know for sure. See if you can find a way to let your own anger go.

Some psychologists refer to what he has done as a cutoff, it's a way to deal with too much anxiety. He won't change, but may eventually come around as his pain decreases.

You have saved yourself and your daughter. Things will get better soon.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

As I'm sure you know, we can't change the person, only how we react to them. I've shared this before. One of my hisband's favorite sayings as he understood that his life was short was, "Let it go, dear, just let it go. " I still hear that in my head when I have let something get to me. Life really is too short to allow negative people to steal our time and energy. Hug your daughter and try to let the anger go. One thing I have done is say a little prayer for those who don't seem to understand my grief. I can't help but feel that they need help. Fay

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

If there is one thing I have learned since my husband passed, May 27th and my Mom, May 19th... it is every person in my family has acted in a way I most least expected during death. With that said I have to wonder what they may think of me? Well... I better not hear of it cause I will bite their heads off... (now, what does that tell you?)Did I say that?

We all act different in the face of death in my opinion... I don't think we have much experience in it myself. I don't think anyone is ready for it no matter when it arrives. It is a very emotional and fearful event and if your afterlife beliefs are not very strong then you just might become very upset with all the ceremonies. And money issues? Don't even go there... Everyone needs a lesson on wills before all this stuff happens... Family members think they are always "owed".

My husband has a Harley and nobody (family) can't stand the fact that it's just sitting in my garage now. Well... it's hard for me to look at it even if it's under cover... many summer vacations on that machine.

Vent here anytime... we can take it.

Peace to you,

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello David
So happy to see your post. May your wife continue to rest in peace along with my dad. We will see them again. Until next time, my dad always said. See you on the other side. God bless you David, you are one strong man. You are the stronger of the two of you and your brother in law. Sounds to me like he does not know how to grieve. He does not know how to express his feelings. He needs our prayers. May God have mercy on his soul. May we teach him the right path to take. People grieve differently. Hopefully he will come around. You keep up the good work. Hugs to you and your daughter.
Tina in Va

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