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Im fine............perhaps

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Thank all of you for your concern...My health as far as I know it is fine...My wife as far as I know is fine and recoup is going very well with her. I overstepped my bounds in here with a pm and then with a little tiff on the site, over now but still, unnecessary. Im a lot like another gentleman in here..loves the art of fishing and has a wife that left him.....yep, happened...told me she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for 6 years. Isn't that a fine howdy do...at any rate, I am trying to decide what is best for my 6 and 8 year old at the moment. I really have no choice in any of this and most likely at the mercy of whatever she decides. I really hate it for my children, I really really do. No child deserves this. So, let this be a lesson to all of you that verbally abuse their wives. Sometimes be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
Most likely weighing all things possible, I am trying to come to terms with simply turning over my payday every 2 weeks so that my children can stay in their home and have all they can as they do now. With me being Stage 4, I weigh options a lot closer than I use to. If we stay married but separated she will continue to be covered with my insurance as will the children as well as the stepson, and she will also receive my life insurance and receive a pension from my place of employment for the rest of her life if something happens to me. That would be the most settled option and the most upsetting for the interest of the children. My issue is if she starts dating then I guess I will deal with that when it happens. Its not about me anymore its about my kids...I want them to know that even with differences in mom and dad that dad was a good man. God it breaks my heart...but I need to get off of here and get ready to ride this rather large storm out we are fixing to get...The kids are in a stone house with their mom in town. That should be safe for them. I am at our home trying to get what few things are left that I have here out before the kids gets back tomorrow.
Don't fret or worry about me, I did this to myself....If you pray please pray that my children come through all of this as unscathed as possible...Im going to do my best to assure that happens for them..........I will check in from time to time and let you know how my checkups go...remember...Stage 4.....its only a number......and for all the well wishes and words through email and pm I received....thank you...love and prayers to you all as well as to the rest of the crew.....I'll be back when the bruises heal..........buzz

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

a nonsense .You are a great guy ,you are demonstrating it by don't blaming any body just trying to find the best for your people, hope ,I'm sure ,you will find the best for the kids for you and for your wife , well all I can do from here is pray that someone enlighten you in your decisions.
Here we are in case you need to vent whatever you want.Hoping to see you here very soon, your friend .Pepe.

tina dasilva's picture
tina dasilva
Posts: 644
Joined: Sep 2010

Buzz I'm so sorry to hear all of this I wish you and your family all the best my dear friend my heart cries for you hugs Tina

SisterSledge's picture
SisterSledge
Posts: 342
Joined: Feb 2011

1. Don't be so hard on yourself
2. Sometimes people can be forgiven
3. Please, weather your storms...you're still needed

And loved.
Janine

Okay, 4 things.

ellamenno's picture
ellamenno
Posts: 145
Joined: Aug 2010

Clift...darn it! This news just really sucks. Makes me want to jump on a plane so I can wrap these lovin arms round you. You have had sooo much on your plate for sooo long.

I hope things begin to turn around and mostly that you can find a workable situation with your wife regarding your 2 babes. You are of utmost importance to them and they need you in their little lives in such a big way.

Please do check in now and again,cause,well...we all love you

Peace and Love and (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Laurie

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

Wow that is a lot to deal with. I am sorry. Your kids will be fine, it takes time for things to get sorted out, but it does. Hang in there.

westie66's picture
westie66
Posts: 642
Joined: Jun 2010

Sometimes friends and family can't handle this as well as we can. Love your children, do for them, they'll help you. I'm so sorry.
Cheryl

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so sorry you have this to deal with after all you have been through. You are a good daddy, + will continue to be + your kids will get through this. Please know my thoughts are with you + I have really missed you here. Take good care of yourself. There are so many here who care deeply about you.

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2118
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm sorry. Never been divorced so no advise there, well, maybe a little, don't forget you have to live also. Give it a little time then seek legal advise as to how to proceed and let them do all the negotiating. Believe it or not, you simply do not have to turn everything over to her. Let your kids inherit your life insurance. See if they can get your pension, lots of decisions so take time. Like I said, your life is not over, not by a long shot. May not seem like it now but time does heal and so do children as long as they know they are loved and are an important part of your life, no matter what happens.

Hugs - Tina

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Stand proud, stand strong. The kids are important, take care of them, show the wife the respect your children's mother deserves, and see where it takes you.

Nice that you are thinking of you wife, should you leave this world, just be sure to take care of yourself too.

Can't change things now, but time can.

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Stand proud, stand strong. The kids are important, take care of them, show the wife the respect your children's mother deserves, and see where it takes you.

Nice that you are thinking of you wife, should you leave this world, just be sure to take care of yourself too.

Can't change things now, but time can.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6474
Joined: Feb 2009

So sorry that you are going through this. It has to be such a difficult time for you with deciding what to do with wife, but knowing that you need to take care of the children. Don't forget that you are important too. Alot of kids go through divorce and come out fine. I'm so glad that you put your children first though, most people only want to think outside of the box. You are very generous to leave your wife so well off if you decide to have a permanent separation. So worry about you though. Remember you need to take care of you. You are in my prayers.

Kim

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

Sorry to hear the bad news,but don't rush into anything,just take your time to sort things out.Remember that you have to survive for your kids.It's never easy,been there,done that.Good luck,and we are here if you need us.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry to read this. You know, you sound like you think you brought it all on yourself. Remember one thing, you've also been on the cancer journey, and it sometimes makes us act in ways that are not so productive. It's just hard to be calm and happy all the time when you're staring death in the face.

Of course we should all try to speak kindly and treat others with love. I personally you've probably done a lot better at that than you think you have. It's also good to say you're sorry when you don't live up to what you'd like. But please don't beat yourself up too badly. Unless one spouse is a complete jerk (think ARNOLD), there are usually 2 people involved in the undoing of a marriage.

With all that said, I pray that some healing can come, and that maybe there will be better days ahead in a renewed life together. If that doesn't happen, my prayers are that life will be good for the children, the wife, AND my dear friend.

You're so wonderful in so many ways. Don't forget to look in the mirror every day and say hello to a pretty good guy.

*hugs*
Gail

Aud's picture
Aud
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so sorry. Gail has said it well. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Holding you in the Light, Buzz.
~Aud

TMac52's picture
TMac52
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2010

sorry your going through this but know that you will be ok. I was divorced 7years ago alot of us have. Life goes on even for you. Things are stressful and chaotic for awhile but as long as you keep the kids #1 it will work itself out. You have a good heart and nothing is going to change that. My situation was different but the stress about money and kids is the same. My heart goes out to you bud, if you need a friend I'm here for ya. As I'm sure the whole csn board is.
Peace Tom

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Yep...suckie sitution. So she was "out of love" before you were even DX??? I know this is hurting like a mofo. I am on my 3rd marrige... my 1st..no kids.... my second... 1 daughter... like you I worried the effect it would have on her. She was such a Daddy's girl and that worried me. She was as young as your little one.... IF both parents are adults about the situation.... making sure the kids know NOTHING was their fault...and both parents continue to give as much time and love as they always did as a married couple..... the kids will adjust...even if Mommy gets a boyfriend and daddy gets a girlfriend...they will adjust....and their love for you both will only grow. There will always be just 1 dad and 1 mom in their minds...no matter who else is involved.....I know thats farther down the line but I know its lurking in your mind.

As far as the wife goes..... maybe she will realize she realy does love you....as they say "ya never really realize what ya got till it's gone" And if not..then it is what it is....Don't let depression live rent free in your head...... I know you are a strong person Buzz and it's quite obvious the concerns you are having.

If there is anything we can do for you.... you know we are all here for you

Love ya my Friend

Jennie

menright's picture
menright
Posts: 258
Joined: Oct 2008

Sorry to read about your troubles. It is honorable how you ohave focussed on your children. Your expressed concern is evidence that they will be okay.

I hope you get through this best as you might. My prayers are with you and your children.

Best regards,

Mike

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Clift,
I am sorry to hear that your wife has left. I know this must be a heartbreak. I will pray for your sweet children. I know that you love them dearly. People has advised you well in terms of keeping it on the up and up with your wife. Treat each other as well as possible in this situation.
Remember on the life insurance and pension you may want both in your kids names. If you were to pass away and your wife got remarried in some states a new spouse would have the right to that money. You don't want that, you want the money for our kids. I think you will be around for a long, long time but your kids are young.
Also, on a side note Dick and I lead a marriage class (this is the 5th time we have lead it) with or church called Love and Respect. If you think there is some hope for your marriage, I highly recommend the book (we watch the DVD with our classes too).
I am praying for you Clift. You are a really good guy.

Aloha,
Kathleen

plh4gail's picture
plh4gail
Posts: 1238
Joined: Oct 2010

Ohhhh......I am so very sorry.....many hugs to you my friend.

Hugs to you, Gail

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Clift,

I know you got my pm so I won't say it all again here, but just know that I respect your attitude and you have been given lots of good advice here for others.
Remember that rope you used to tell everyone to hang onto? I know it must be tough and you're thinking maybe the rope snapped, but things happen. Grab onto it again- you will get through this. You will be okay and I think your kids will be too.

Hugs and prayers for you-
Lisa

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Hugs my dear sweet online bro. Ok you know what I've been through etc, and how bloody hard it's been. I'm finally divorced, it happened on April 26th, but I only got the paper work on the 17th May. I don't have children, I'm 35, I want to have children I worry with the cancer coming back and that it will never happen. Buzz you say you verbally abused your wife, I, we all know that was not you. You have gone through hell and back with this beast, and that does horrible things to the mind of a cancer patient. I suffered from serve panic attacks, anxiety, depression the works during my treatment, and I just hated what was happening how much I was relying on him. He started to resent me, he wouldn't say it to my face, but after wards I found out he was saying snide things about how I had another panic attack, and oh joy. The majority of cancer patients marriages suffer greatly, those who whether the storm are lucky, but even then for some there may be still doubts. But those who are still together, they have strong partners and I admire them greatly.

So Buzz please stop blaming yourself, it's your wife who made the decision, excuses will come and go as to why this all happened. She probably does love you, but maybe she stopped loving you as her partner. Maybe if things calm down, she might see things in a more clearer light and see that how much of a fantastic person you are, but you've gone through hell. Your children are so young, and I know as a child I was going through what my parents did. But with your children and how good you are, I know they will be ok.

Please, please, please keep letting us know what goes on, it may be off topic but Buzz we are your family and we care. I just don't want you to bottle up how your feeling, I know how hard that is. If you feel you can't talk here, please consider the PM I sent.

Hugs, will be praying for you and your family.

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

My first wife took my two little kids. She had some nasty habits,I consider constant affairs bad habits,but she was a good mother if that makes any sense. So I just paid for my kids until they were 18 and saw them as often as i was allowed and as long as it did not disrupt their lives. I get by pretty well on my own ,all I need is fishing. It took another ten years before I met my second wife. I guess I should have known better but some times alone can get a bit self destructive. Sue got tired of me being sick all the time and found solace in the company of an old flame. I's been a few years now.I lost my house and pretty well everything else.We never divorced just a property settlement. I talk to her a lot on the phone and have stayed friends with her. The old flame is gone and I think she has genuine regrets. I don't think I can go back. The third strike and your out. So for me it's fishing alone. I haven't had much luck there either . Ray was my best friend and fishing companion. We have been fishing togeather for over 32 years,,,I gave the eulogy at his funeral yesterday,,he was only 62......I consider myself a seriously tough person. Not mean nasty tough but wade thru crap neck deep tough. You have done it with ca Buzz now you got to do it with life. Same deal,one day at a time.If you don't know what to do,do nothing, One day you will wake up and you will know what to do. It just takes some time and the realization that we are human. Good choice,bad choice theres a 50/50 chance to get it right and sometimes being right is wrong. Go with the flow mate you have my best wishes,hugs Ron.

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Marianne313
Posts: 124
Joined: Mar 2011

I like that line:

If you don't know what to do, do nothing.

Buzz, I'm truly sorry for all you are going through. Someone here said something like "give it time, often when things are too hard it's just easier to leave" MAYBE that's true in this case with your wife. I know dealing with someone you love having cancer is hard, and yeah, I wish I could find a cabin in a remote area and just hide, but my need to be "there" for my family is stronger in my case. Try not to fault her too much if she can't "deal", some are just too weak. Hope that makes some sense.

Marianne

tanstaafl's picture
tanstaafl
Posts: 1292
Joined: Oct 2010

'fraid you're going to have to invest time, money and effort to win her back. Girls still want to have fun, best foot forward. Hope wife-mom sees the light and comes home. With kids in an increasingly crazy world, it's important. In 30 years, your kids may still be considering their parents' choices today.

And heaven forbid, the situations can still reverse. Over a course of 2 yrs, it did for us, and my wife appreciates me a lot more now. My journey turned out to be preparatory for hers.

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

It's heartbroken to see your post.As all of us can see,you are a good man for sure.Don't be too hard on yourself either,you have to think about yourself too.Please take good care of yourself,so you can be there for your children.Pray for both of you and your family,wish you and your family the best.Take care,my buddy.

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I am so sorry you are going through this Buzz, break-ups are hard on everyone, I am very sorry for your pain. Please know you are not the sole reason this relationship is having problems or may not work, it takes TWO to make or break a relationship.

Like others have said, just love those kids, and be as grown up as possible with your wife, that will help those kids.

I am here if you need anything buddy....

Please grab on to that rope and let us help you as you have helped so many of us here.

Love you buddy...

Beth

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

Sometimes people have a tough time handling someone else's illness.
Sorry you are going through this. You know you are highly regarded on here.
-phil

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

I have to agree with Phil, you are very highly regarded here. You have helped so many of us and you continue to do so. Everyone has their flaws. But know that we are all here to help you, just as you have us. Relationships are tough work, honestly it took me many years to realize I am better off alone. Hug those kids and keep present in their lives.

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

this just breaks my heart.you have always been a fighter but when it comes to something like this i know it tears on your heart,i am on my 3rd marriage.it took me along time to find that right one for me.we are here for you bud dont forget that.....Godbless...johnnybegood

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

hi buzz,

horrible news, another problem caused by crc. just keep on being the great dad you are, love the kids, have some fun with them and keep on seeing the beauty of the world through the tears of sorrow from your marriages troubles.

don't give up hope for a cure for crc and your marriage.

hugs and love,
pete

mukamom's picture
mukamom
Posts: 402
Joined: Oct 2010

I really hope things work out the best for all. It's hard to deal with even under better circumstances. Remember your kids will always love their dad.

hugs,
Angela

baldwin
Posts: 25
Joined: Dec 2008

I am a caregiver and I just lost a reply where I spilled my guts to you. I too,sometimes, get frustrated, but it is because I cannot fix things for my husband who is a stage 4 colon cancer survivor with mets to the brain, bones, liver and lungs. I, too, sometimes, wish my husband would speak gentler, kinder to me, know that I am in this fight with him also, but then, when he is sleeping, and I can hear him breathing, I thank God that he is still beside me and pray that this treatment will work and he will be healed. I am not a fool, I know that things do not look good, but I fight this negative attitude constantly and pray that things turn around. Saying this, Cliff, you are one of the people on this board that has REALLY helped me get through this process. I do not know you, but I DO KNOW YOU, no what I mean??? Sometimes people run away when they do not know any better, it is easier that way. Take one day at a time, do NOT blame yourself for what is happening, and by all means, DO NoT back down from living life and beating this horrible disease. Best, Joanne

BettyJoM's picture
BettyJoM
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2011

what a terrible time for you. I am so sorry.
I remember many years ago when my husband died, somewhere down the road when I was feeling better someone said to me, being widowed is easier than divorce and she was right, it is.

You are concentrating on your children and I would too. Its not their choice.

In the middle of my treatment I alienated just about everyone there for a while. Don't be too hard on yourself, its the cancer.

Not much anyone can do except send you love and prayers. there are so many wonderful people on here to talk to, dont be afraid to reach out. I just read sometimes and I feel better. Makes you feel, your not alone.

Love, Betty Jo

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I've been thinking about what to say since this post opened. I can't really find any words that would be adequate or meaningful to say.

I start to type and then erase it all. I do understand how relationships can be "strained." This past year has been particularly hard on us as well...mine is just tired with this stuff and not having a partner available during those long years of being sick.

Bitterness and Resentment does set in whether we can see it coming or not. Sometimes, they just check out. It could be me next, but we're working on it.

It is hardest on the children. They just don't quite understand what is happening and what changed. I was a by-product of divorce in the mid-70's. As a child then, the initial thoughts are "What did I do that Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore?"

I remember how contentious it was between the 2 of them. As soon as I got home, the 3rd degree interrogation began and it was just awful and I was in the middle of it. That's not a good situation.

So, as was suggested, try and keep it as civil as you can when the kids are around and can see. Kids see alot more than they are given credit for - and they remember it always. I've never forgotten all that went on.

I'm terribly sorry, Buzz. I really, really am. I'm out of sight, but available if you ever need to email or talk.

-Craig

eibod
Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

So sorry to read this. You were one of the first people to welcome me to this site, and
always had answers to questions asked. My prayers and thoughts are with you now.
I've always heard that it is best not to make too many plans, while the soil is still shifting.
Like someone else said, maybe it is best to not make too many decisions yet. Wishing the best for you, Brenda

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I've been there - it's tough. You could teach my ex a thing or two. Your kids are lucky to have such a great dad.

Sending a big hug your way.

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 633
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Buzz, Last year before I was even diagnosed, after years of looking after my husband, hard valve replacement, 3 major heart attalcs, stroke, etc etc, in the end lower left leg removed, 6 years of hospitals for 6 months at a time, he told me to go and visit my daughter and not to come back, because he had nothing to say to me anymore. YES, he verbally abused me also, but that was the illness and not the man I loved. He started to totally ignore me. That was the worse part. I then found out he was addicted to Oxycodin, made big debts, I sold the house and paid of the debts.
So..... Now I have moved to be closer to my kids, after almost a year I was dx with coloncancer. You see, there is a reason for everything, I met a very nice man in oktober and he is sticking with me, even after my operation etc. He is momentarily looking after me.
The sun will shine for you again I can promise. And O Yeh... by the way. listen to Kathleen, put everything in your kids name, just in case. Not one man should profit from what is rightfully for your kids. But remember kids need Daddy the most. So hang in there.
You were my first friend here on the board and I still need you so on my journey.
So Buzz, head up, grap the wrope and hang on in the end it is worth it.
Hugs,
Marjan

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