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Always thinking of you all...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

You all have been in my heart and prayers. I have been busy, grieving, signing forms, doing battle with VA and exhausted!

I did however have a wonderful weekend past. My dear friend has a "Classic Rock" band that Dennis and I would often go to their gigs, listen and dance to their music. Well, the past weekend they had a gig out of town for a Bike Rally, to play Friday and Saturday night. She called and said, come with, we have an extra hotel room, the band misses you, I miss you! I stalled for a day or two, and said what the heck, I hate weekends, I have no plans, so... Sat with all the wives, laughed, put down some beer and danced with the girls. Was asked to dance and of all songs, my friend was singing Blue Bayou, one of Dennis' favs! Said no thanks. No way was I ready to slow dance, with a guy, to my love's fav song, a song we had just danced to six months ago! Still had a fun evening. The next day, I did what the band does, slept late! But after a while I began to feel so sad, so lonely for Dennis. You see, when they had contracted this gig, he was still alive and we had planned to come together. Laying there, in a king size bed, remembering how we used to love to spend the day in bed sometimes just watching t.v., made me so sad! By the afternoon, my girlfriend called and said let's go eat. By 7pm we were off to the rally for round two!

It's not just because they are my friends, they really are an awesome band! At some point I was asked to dance again, this time, a two-step, nothing slow or sentimental, and I accepted. Weird!!! To feel someone else' hand in mine, their arm around my waist. I have been dancing forever, could hardly keep in step! When it was over, I said thank you, sat down and felt like those t-shirts say, I survived whatever...! Such a small thing, yet so monumental!

Seems like maybe I'm doing better? Ha! Tuesday I met with the Paralegal at Fort Sam, to prepare the probate of my love's will. Did fine. Went to bank, took care of some share transfer forms. Fine. Went to court house to file the probate papers. Fine. Got in car to come home, hit me like a ton of bricks!! Even had to pull over as the tears were blinding me! I said, damn you Dennis, I am having to do all this because you died!! And I'm alone! I was feeling pretty proud of myself for having taken care of so much earlier in the day. But the reality and finality of what it was I had done, was so overwhelming! I know he will never come back, I know I'm on my own, I even know I can do it, but I hate that I have to.

I have two enemies now. One is lung cancer and the other is VA. For the most part, I get most of my frustration out on these two. I have joined three advocacy groups for lung cancer and am waging the battle of my life with VA. Won't go into detail, but he died of lung cancer, he served in Vietnam!

Been spending alot of time with my financial advisor, not what you think! Trying to see how to make it all work, financially. Poor dear, he could not bring himself to tell me that I really needed to go back to working if I want to make it! I had to giggle at him! Please, I've heard much worse news than that! I have seen more devastation than that! I had to calm him and tell him not to worry, I have no problem going back to work. I think it will do me good, and I have till the end of the year, budget wise, before I really need to. Thank God, and thank my love!

Sleep, that elusive thing! Sometimes it comes, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I am so sleepy driving here or there and all the while I tell myself, tonight you will be able to get a good night's rest, nope! It's hit or miss. Can't even catch a nap when I am able to, lay there, nothing. Still on Celexa, and Ambien for sleep.

Crying, stopped wearing mascara. It can happen in frozen food section at the store, driving through a fast food, mowing the yard, building a rabbit hutch for the bunny my daughter rescued on the side of the road, anywhere, anytime. And yes, sometimes when I least expect it!

Eating, the one thing in my favor! I always ate when I was nervous, sad or anxious. Not anymore. When Dennis began to stop eating, I think I did too. Lost 10lbs his last week of life. Another 5 right after he passed, and another 7 since. Don't get me wrong, I really needed to anyway, but damn, what a diet! Mostly eat fruit, pita chips, cheese, cereal for any meal. Am taking vitamins.

All this, and it's only been 3 months since my love passed. I pray for us all to heal, to find joy once more, to make our new journeys the best they can be. I pray for peace and patience as we take every step towards that.

Have a good weekend dear ones,


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Lucy,
First of all,thanks for posting on my other post about Tom. Even though we've never met, I feel like I've known you for a long time.
Congrats on going out with your friends. I'm sure it was hard for you especially when the band played "Blue Bayou". And dancing with someone had to be really weird. I've got a friend who plays in a band and I've been kind of seeing a guy that Tom & I both knew. We're going to listen to the band in April, but dancing?? Tom & I weren't really into dancing, so don't want to start now. And don't know if I could stand to have another guy so close to me dancing. A hug is one thing, but dancing slow? No way, not ready for that yet.
Funny, we kind of think alot alike. I'm sure you & Dennis were so close too. It's nice having a male friend especially one who understands what I'm going through. His wife died 4 years ago from a complication during heart surgery. Tom & I knew both of them.
Can't believe it's been 3 months already since you've lost Dennis. You've been a good support for me since I came on this site last year.
Well , we are on a new journey and I hope everything goes good for both of us in our new lives. Everyone on here is so great aren't they? funny how none of us have ever met, but yet feel so close, huh? take care Lucy. Carole

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Dear Lucy,

I think you took a big step going out with your friends. You remind me of myself in some ways. After Terry died his college roommates and wives had a reunion on Cape Cod and asked me to attend. I was nervous...all those memories. But I went had a good time and some tears. We cannot stop living. We must push forward as hard as it is.

It is unfortunate that after losing our loved ones we have to deal with so much nonsense with insurance companies, banks etc. Mine were his LTD insurance company and our bank. I was so sad after Terry died and so scared, but I am coming up on 10 months and things are a little better. Sleeping has gotten a little better. I too used to cry all the time in my car on the way home from work. A patient of mine who lost her husband in 9/11 said she did that for about 6months and then it tapered down.

When I read your postings, I see myself and so many others on this board. It is surprising what connects us in life. Stay strong Lucy. For what it is worth I think you are doing a great job.

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Dear Lucy,
It's quite disconcerting the way you read my mind. I too, am battling with the VA; I feel your pain. One of our friends invited to bike week, but as much as I wanted to go, I just couldn't. I'm thinking of getting my own motorcycle endorsement so I don't have to give up riding. But if I can't survive a ride in the car when one of "our" songs comes on, how am I going to learn to solo on a bike, since all of our motorcycle activities were done together?

Sleep is elusive. Melatonin helps, but not always. I hate shopping for one, cooking for one. Dinners are a lot of microwave meals in front of the TV. Evenings are bad, but weekends are the worst.

On the positve side, work is keeping me busy. My friends continue to rally around me. I adopted a shephard from a rescue and she's loving and good company. We go on walks at least twice a day and my house doesn't feel so empty.

I'm at a little past the two month period, settling into some kind of routine, but feeling like I have to WORK at any type of contentment and happiness in my life. When Mike was with me, happiness and contentment were taken for granted. Even after his DX. I am praying for all of us too. It has helped beyond measure to have these boards and all of you to "talk" to.

Blessing to all of us,

hope0310's picture
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

I am so happy you went!!!!

Sounds like a wonderful time!!!! Sometimes we just have to push through and take one for the team.....after all, that is what your love would want for you!!!

Be good to yourself! (or should I say KEEP being good to yourself!!)

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Lucy, I am so glad you went and that you had a good time.

I know what you mean about the tears coming any time. Luckily, I never wear mascara. I have; however, gotten to the point where I always make sure I have a pack of travel tissues in my jacket pocket. Mascara running is forgivable, nose running is not.

I have been working since I was done with school, so for me, this has really helped to keep me busy. It has also given me great support as I have worked with many of the same people at the same company for a very long time. Mike and I used to think we would both retire at 62 so we could spend more time just hanging out together. Now as you say, I hate that I am on my own and will be for retirement.

You are one month ahead of me in this journey, and we (as many here) have both lost the loves of our lives. I also pray that we all find peace and healing in the days, weeks, months and years to come. Take care.

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 170
Joined: Nov 2010

Lucy...good to hear that you went out and enjoyed yourself. that can do wonders for your mental/emotional state.
I had a fun time this past weekend myself. On Friday night, I was driving up to school to pick up my son returning from a volleyball game. I don't remember why, but something triggered the tears and I sat in the parking lot bawling my eyes out (thank goodness it was dark). I felt like I needed to talk to someone and the thought crossed my mind to call a friend, Chris, who said I could call him at any time. But about that time my son texted me and said they were almost there. Then that night, I had a dream about calling my friend. I didn't remember it until the next day when Chris called me. Anyway, he said that he had an extra ticket to a benefit concert (Little Big Town and Josh Turner) and asked if I would like to go with him and his wife and daughter. I told him yes and quickly made arrangements for both of my boys to spend the night with a friend. These tickets were VIP tickets(his friend had contributed a lot of money to the cause)and got us in to a "pre-concert reception" with free food and drinks. then I got to sit front row, center to watch the show. I had a blast. When we got back to his house, he invited me in and we talked (and I cried some more) until almost 3 AM. I think it was a good release of pent up stress for me.

I hear you on the paper work. I am so sick of it. I'm still waiting to hear something back from OPM to find out when I'll start receiving annuity payments. It needs to be soon!!!
My husband also served in Vitenam. After he had his laryngectomy, someone said I should contact the VA about providing speech therapy and paying for electrolarynx device. They said that anyone serving in Vietnam who might have had exposure to Agent Orange was usually given help because there might be a connection with the cancer. We never finished getting through with that paperwork because Ken got so sick. I hope you are able to get some benefits from them.

well, I wish I could bring you and some of the other new widows to my house to stay for awhile. I have enough going on here to keep you busy and your mind occupied for quite some time. :-) Too bad we're all so far apart. it would be great to meet. Until then, we will support each other electronically!
See ya,

Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

It made me happy to read of your "small" victories, Lucy.

I am proud for you.


Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Lucy
Thanks for posting and sharing your story. I am happy for you! The mascara....the trick that I learned is to only put it on your top lashes, not the bottom ones. I hate looking naked without some mascara! You are a true inspiration to all of us fellow grievers. Thinking of you with your constant battle with the VA. Darn it! You are a strong woman, you keep fighting to get what you deserve. I know you going back to work will be a good thing for you. You are a people person, I learned that on this site....you write so well! I am also sending out a big hello and hug to my other grieving friends...Carole, April, Penny, etc. Hugs to you. Keep in touch.
Tina in Va

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