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Funny Bonz II...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

There was a newly wed couple who were getting their first look at each other's attributes on their first night together. (Science fiction, I know)

Any way, she undressed quickly and jumped into bed, he was somewhat embarresed and moved quite slowly.

First he removed his shoes and socks revealing toes that were twisted and curled.  "What happened to your toes!" the new bride exclaimed.  "I had tolio as a kid." he replied.  "Don't you mean polio/" she said.  "No, tolio is similar to polio, but it only affects the toes."

Next he slowly removed his slacks revealing knarled and bumpy knees.  "And what happened to your knees?" she asked.  "I also had neasels when I was little." he said.  "Don't you mean measels?" she asked.  "No, neasels only affect the knees." he said with a sigh.

Then he removed his under shorts and his bride said "Don't tell me, you had small cox too."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

T-Bone,

I read your blog and saw your results posted in the Votrient thread, great results btw, but I'm shocked that the sensors didn't jump all over "normal bony appearances", must have been a particularly attractive radiologist I suspect...LOL

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.
 
 
Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Tweren't me, I had no dog in the fight...seems like we should be able to pass a law against power outages or perhaps confiscate all electrical switches to avoid such mishaps in the future though.

No joke, congrats on retiring, I hope you and John are able to enjoy another 47 Superbowls together.  Someday maybe my Lions will get there, DOH, who am I kidding!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond, naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said,

''I'M HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR.''

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

When I was 6 Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.  I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 


I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. 
  
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Reflection from the seat of an old tractor

 

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll likely just kill you.”

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Last one for awhile, off to St Maarten for a couple weeks of fun in the sun...see ya all on the 25thCool

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would prefer it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

 

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

 

 

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.

 

 

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'

 

 

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

 

 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

 

 

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

 

 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

 

 

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

 

 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Polish border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The P
olish boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

 

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