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Chemosmoker - how are you feeling?

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

How are you feeling? Any resolution on your back problems? I'm hoping it's weather-related.

jojoshort's picture
jojoshort
Posts: 241
Joined: May 2011

Eric, I believe you were having a tooth tended to. Hope all went well.
Jo-Ann

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi Ginny,
I will just say that Eric has had a bad couple of days and hasn't been feeling very well. Though he says he will post soon, I thought I would let you all know he is o'kay and hopefully they will have the tooth issue taken care of on Thursday as we had to get "clearance" from the onco for dental work.

Regards,
-Michelle

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

Sorry to hear that Eric has to wait a few more days for dental relief. Hope his days are better soon.

Glad he's got you as his champion, Michelle!

Terry

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks, Michelle. We miss him.

Send our best!

jax568
Posts: 58
Joined: Aug 2011

Hoping to see Eric back soon. I hope all goes well on Thursday. Prayers and thoughts always.

chemosmoker's picture
chemosmoker
Posts: 525
Joined: Aug 2011

Ginny, Jo-Ann, Terry, All friends,

Thanks for checking in on me. Someone needs to try and keep me straight. I just don't wish that on anyone. Michelle has enough on her hands with me that's for sure.

As for where I was, here is what I originally wrote to you on 10-30-01...
___________________________________________________________________________________

I am sitting here as we speak, nursing my hurting tooth as I must wait until Thursday for my oral surgeon to extract it, and I don't look forward to it, but I do. I am sure you understand that position.

As for my overall health, I am a bit more concerned. Oh how I wish it were the weather.
I believe the pain in my lower back and upper neck are further metastasis, as well as some new sensitivity in my right arm. There's more, but you get the idea. I believe I am not as well as I was. That would be a simple way to answer your question.
I am certainly not giving up hope. I can deal with it with the pain meds but there are adjustments to be made. I can no longer obtain the relief that I had from just the Oxycontin or Oxycodone alone; it now takes the added Xanax constantly to get at the nerve pain, and I have run myself out of them until Wednesday not really planning to need them in the way I did. Fun. Hospice is great, but they can do noting until Wednesday. So, I am sort of sitting on my hands in the literal sense, and not up to too much more typing.
But I felt I better answer you two and get this out there for now.
_________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: Tuesday 11-01-11 @ 1pm:
Michelle stood in the gap for me today and got Hospice to not only get my Xanax refilled today, and I have them now, but she got them to take me from .5MG to 2MG at once! What a difference!! I just took the 1st one at 1pm sharp, and I ALREADY feeling like Eric again and able to post. Amazing nerve pain reduction! WOW!

I spoke to Lee shortly ago, and sounds like Chantal is getting time off from work now and he will get to go home in a few days, God willing, and be with her and Daisy finally.
So, All in all things are MUCH better as of just now, for us BOTH, and I thank you for asking. I THINK I am BACK now, I can go try to catch up with all the missed posts!

Love to you all and thank you for the care and concerns!
Eric

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Ahhhh, so good to hear from you. Glad you got your meds! You are such a joy to hear from, but don't over-assert trying to respond to all of us. Know that we care and get concerned when you've been quiet. Get some rest. Think good thoughts!

Hugs.

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

Yea, Michelle! I hope to never need a champion but if I do, I want them to look here to see how it's done.

Welcome back, Eric. You do sound more like you. Glad the Xanax is working so well.

Thank you, as always, for the update on Lee & Chantal. Have they been able to drain any of the fluids off for him? Hoping that home is just short time away for him. Quality time with Chantal & Daisy will be good for his soul.

Hugs, positive thoughts, and love to you all!

Terry

sangora
Posts: 218
Joined: Mar 2011

From experience I can say that nothing hurts like a tooth ache. Have had several over the years. Glad you are feeling better and hoope that trend continues. Load up on your pain meds before you head to the dentist, that should help. Hang in there, Sam

Daisylin's picture
Daisylin
Posts: 380
Joined: May 2011

Eric and Michelle, you have been far to quiet on here lately. I seriously hope all is well. Lee and I are worried about you, and your Facebook status the other day was a bit alarming. Please come back, if even to type just a few sentences and let us know how you are. You have been so strong and supportive to all of us, please let us return the favour.
I Know you have a trip planned, I hope you are sunning your buns as we speak, hence the silence.
hugs and love
Chantal

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

Just wanted to say you are being thought of - by many, I'm sure - as you head for the dentist today. I hope they are able to take care of the tooth ache you've suffered from. There really isn't a worse annoying pain than a tooth ache.

Prayers & strength to you both!

Terry

Jenny32's picture
Jenny32
Posts: 23
Joined: Oct 2011

Thinking of you and Michelle...Glad you got some relief! Your absence on here has not gone unnoticed but of course it is completely understood.

I just wanted to say how much your time on here is valued. You and Michelle have been an amazing support system for so many here. You always find the right words to offer encouragement to others. I am truly amazed by your selflessness. I am sure the two of you may be in need of the very same support you offer yet here you are day in and day giving others the will to push forward.

There will be others who stumble upon this site in search of support and answers and here your words will always be. Your journey here and contribution to this site is invaluable to helping other survivors and caregivers.

Thank you a thousand times over again. You are amazing people.
Take care.

Jenny

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Eric/Michelle... I pray all is well with you both. May God give you strength and courage and a calm tooth!

ritawaite13's picture
ritawaite13
Posts: 249
Joined: Aug 2011

I mean the drugs! So glad Michele got things handled with hospice and got your the drugs you need. And the tooth? Man if it's not one thing it's 10 others isn't it? Take care...we're all pulling for you!
Hugs
Rita

chemosmoker's picture
chemosmoker
Posts: 525
Joined: Aug 2011

Turned out to be an abscess not a cavity or even worse so some antibiotics and hopefully things will get better fast and before we head to Florida Monday.

I think I REALLY messed things up with Michelle tonight and I am so depressed and saddened I can't hardly see through the tears. I was taking too many of my Xanax and upset her as she was trying SO hard to manage my drugs for me and take care of me and I didn't listen or keep track and totally messed it all up.

I am having the worst night I can remember having since being diagnosed now. I cant sleep and we are at my parents house and I a trying to make things right again and don't know how to do it.

I really upset Michelle and royally screwed up her system she had set up for me to have my daily doses of medicines (She is such a good manager when I GET OUT OF THE WAY and let her handle things!) and I took more than I should have, didn't keep track, and didn't tell her and that as the whole point of her managing the drugs; so I wouldn't run out again.

MUCH worse than that, I feel like I have lost her trust and her respect and faced with God only knows how many weeks or months of life left I feel like a total failure in our entire 16 years tonight.

WHAT I would not give to go back even one or two days ago now and not mess this all up as we were SO close to going to Florida I was feeling closer to Michelle than I have/had been felting in 16 years if our marriage. I am feeling SO lost and alone right now. I deserve this. I brought this on myself and I am such an ******* for being so selfish and thoughtless and hurting her this way.

I a sorry I just needed to vent as I am so sorry for hurting her and acting the way I have when the circumstances are what they are, she has given SO much of herself for the last 6 months through this (hell, the last 16 years of this) and this is the VERY last thing she needed or deserved tonight or right now. SHE is the one who deserves to be venting. I can't even type through the tears so need to just stop and go try to lay down now. She is such a wonderful person THE most selfless person I have ever known my whole life and I go and do this crap. I hope she will forgive me when we can get back to loving each other and go on to Florida. I do not want to die feeling this way. It is so sad and lonely. I can ONLY imagine how SHE must be feeling right now trying to sleep.

I will post again tomorrow time permitting and I hope things improve.

I love you all thanks for being there.
Eric

annalan
Posts: 149
Joined: Jul 2011

So glad your tooth ache is sorted but not happy that you now have heart ache. That too will be sorted as Michelle loves you dearly it's just that you two have been under so much pressure. How could she not forgive you, you sound such a wonderful person and I always look forward to your postings. Chin up and both of you have a lovely holiday .
Ann (2)

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Eric,

We have not met yet, but I have followed your journey since your first post.

I hope you don't mind me giving you my thoughts.

You and Michelle are two very special people. Remember that always. Mistakes happen, to the very best people too. Please don't beat yourself up, you are going through a very difficult and emotional time, you both are. You are in pain and pain wears down your strength. What ever happened or was said, is over. Today is a new day.

What I know of Michelle is that she loves you so very much. It really is okay to have a melt down. I am so sorry that it had to happen, but now you and Michelle can go forward and be stronger for it. She loves you and will be there for you. Please try to forgive yourself for feeling so badly. It really is okay.

You have a wonderful trip planned. If you are near the ocean, hold Michelle's hand and walk barefoot in the warm ocean waters. It can give you both so much comfort. The ocean is my healing place. I hope you can find some peace there.

Where in FL are you heading and for how long. We spend a lot of time there too.

I hope that by the time you read this, all will be fine. Remember, today is a new day.

Lisha

Daisylin's picture
Daisylin
Posts: 380
Joined: May 2011

Oh Eric, Michelle is not mad at you! What she is mad at is what cancer is doing to her husband! I know of several times that I just snapped and became moody, irrational and impatient. Lee may have done something senseless at those times, but my reaction was definately not called for. Plain and simple, it's stress. Us caregivers love you so much, it's like torture to sit helplessly by and watch you suffer. At the least instigation, all of our pent up emotions just boil out, reasonable or not. I'm sure by the time you read this, Michelle will have told you the same thing herself. You have not lost her trust! She loves you more than anything, she's proved it over and over again.

As a note about meds, Sherri is right, you should not handle your own pills, but.... I can totally understand wanting to erase your pain by taking a pill or 2 more than prescribed. The nurse at the hospital told us that it was fine for Lee to use as much as needed, even if it's just to escape for a while.

As much as the debate runs on about Canadian health care, I am so fortunate that we have never had to worry about running out of drugs. We have enough stuff at home to open a pharmacy! I am so sorry that your meds are so highly controlled that one or 2 would make a difference for the rest of the week.

For Michelle, I understand your fear, frustration and anger. If you have not already kissed and made up, please do so right this second! Don't waste another moment, they are all so precious.

Love and hugs to you both
Chantal

TerryV's picture
TerryV
Posts: 915
Joined: Jul 2011

It's that she adores you. And you her. Her trust and respect isn't blown. She's more likely confused by the failure of the method she set out for you. You two WILL get back on track.

Eric - 16 years together isn't just swept under a rug because of a mistake. Michelle is an excellent caregiver and more importantly, an excellent wife. Neither of those roles expects or demands perfection from our patients/spouses. If anything those roles expect and demand perfection from ourselves. She's likely trying to figure out why her method failed, not blaming you for the failure.

I'm sure if you reach out for a hug, it will enthusiastically be returned. As "forme" says, a walk in the ocean on Monday would be a good thing. Whatever it takes, you WILL reconnect, you WILL go forward TOGETHER.

Good news that the tooth issue can be resolved with antibiotics.

With much love, big hugs, and great concern for your heartache

Terry

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Eric, it's just darn good to hear from you - venting or not. This too shall pass. I will print here some words that were on a bookmark that belong to St. Teresa. They were penned in her own handwriting:

Let nothing trouble you
Let nothing frighten you
All things are passing;
God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.
He who possess God
lacks nothing.
God alone suffices.

For me, the last 3 words are what I hold on to. You and Michelle are one; when one suffers so does the other. It's ok to have a tiff, cuz making up is such fun!

Remember... God alone suffices!

jss2011
Posts: 137
Joined: Sep 2011

Sorry you two had such a rough day. This damn disease really does a number on us. I have learned not to take things personally, as it is coming from the pain and emotions dealing with it all. Michelle knows this Eric, I'm sure she is more frustrated, sad, that you are having increased pain, as are we all.
Now focus on Florida!

Hugs,
Julie

paul61's picture
paul61
Posts: 1106
Joined: Apr 2010

Eric,

One of the painful lessons about having cancer is that it demonstrates to us just how human and therefore fallible we are. I would not be too hard on yourself about making a mistake while being tired, depressed, and in pain.

I keep all my pills in little day of the week compartments and I still mess up from time to time.

The important thing is to make sure things are back to OK between you and Michelle. My wife and I have always followed the rule that says "never let the sun set on a disagreement". I am sure Michelle is not angry at you, but at the situation this disease places the both of you.

I am glad the tooth can be addressed with medication. I am sure the disagreement can be addressed with the apology I am sure you have already given.

Look forward to some quality time for the two of you by the ocean.

Best Regards,

Paul Adams
McCormick, South Carolina

DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 Stage IIB
12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
2/8 through 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
Two year survivor

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

chemosmoker's picture
chemosmoker
Posts: 525
Joined: Aug 2011

Thank you ALL.

We have apologized and made up as you all said.
I just felt So strong for so long, and now I seem to cry at the phone Ringling.

I am trying to get back to closeness and togetherness that's ALL that really maters here.

Thanks again for all the love and responses.
I really do love each and every one of you so much from a place in my heart I didn't know existed and also that doesn't get to come out in any person to person or face to face friendships and relationships other than what I have found here, on our family board.
It is so powerful and amazing. It is God's gift in the midst of all the hellish pain of EC.

I love you all
God bless,
Eric

Ginny_B's picture
Ginny_B
Posts: 537
Joined: Sep 2011

Ahhh see.... the best part of fights is making up. You two just can't stay mad.

So how about a report on your tooth?

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

It has been a rough couple of days to say the least, and I am hoping this is the beginning of some deeper connections. Not that we haven't always had a deep connection, just deeper than any other time in our history. Eric has had several days of ups and downs with xanax and the desire to escape the reality of things. I have allowed him to navigate through this for the most part by himself (only to interfere when his safety and well-being were being threatened of course). We all process at different rates and levels, and it was not for me to push him to process any differently than he was capable of doing.

Last night we talked (while he was "present") about his ability to connect with the moment and his motives in escaping. The flood gates opened and he was finally able to release a lot of compartmentalized emotions. It was very therapeutic and ultimately calming for both of us. It is his choice to be as present as his emotions will allow, and to find balance in treating the anxiety. The reality of the journey's end has hit him hard as it does me. He is now allowing himself to feel his feelings and take in doses, only HE knows he can handle. He "messed up" NOTHING and you are all right, I was not mad at him, only confused as to how to communicate with him in such a distant state of mind. He wanted me to make these decisions for him (how much is enough and how much is too little) and I did not want to be responsible for deciding this for him, as it is not for me to do. We both know that someone other than himself now, has to manage the medications, but only manage, not control. I can administer as he voices a need, without controlling and deciding his "needs". This way, when he becomes incapable of remembering when he took what, I can remind him and we can communicate about where his pain is, and where his anxiety is presently. This system is working.

Only Eric knows what his timing and ability to process will be. It is by communicating these needs and desires that he can get the help he needs. When communication becomes impossible, another system can be put in place of the current system. We have found our "new normal" and we can rest assured now that he isn't "over-dosing" in a dangerous manner. We are back!

Hugs to all for your love and support!
-Michelle

sangora
Posts: 218
Joined: Mar 2011

Michelle, your above post is a lesson for all of us suffering with these issues. Your words have certainly given me pause and food for thought. I know Eric has had a rough week and consequently you as well, but these things,as you say pull, couples closer together. Thank you for sharing. Sam

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Sam,

Thank you for your words. Yes it has been trying on both of us. As the article I posted on Denial says, 'if you take away someone's denial, you had better have something good to replace it with'. These are profound words. I could not deny Eric his Denial, I could only step back and wait for the opportunity to talk about it with him. He struggles as we all do and he is no exception to the rule. He deserves to make these choices for himself without my influence so long as he is capable. Just because I physically hold the meds does not mean that I define his needs. I knew he was processing a lot and needed to escape on some level. I also knew that he would eventually become available for some non-threatening dialog, which is what I waited for. He sees things through his own lenses and I have to be o'kay with that. When he became dangerously dosed with xanax, I simply had to take temporary control long enough to get him 'present'. This is when we were able to communicate. Then we could devise a system that works for him and leaves him feeling safe to escape when he needs, though at a level that is safe for his health. We are once again marching to the beat of the drum that defines our dance.

Love to you!
-Michelle

bingbing2009
Posts: 179
Joined: Feb 2011

We are both praying for you. You are in our thoughts. The struggle with medications and who will 'control' them and how to manage them is somerthing we also struggled to coordinate. It can be overwhelming when there are so many drugs.

Melinda and Vaughn

Luvs24's picture
Luvs24
Posts: 78
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you both for posting and Michelle, for explaining things out. I read your message a number of times and hope that my mom will make time to join this site.

Words cannot express how touched and inspired the communication and sharing is on this site.

Keep the faith!
God Bless,
Beth

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