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He is dying now

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

My Ric has maybe another day in this world. I am so broken inside. I'm trying to remember the good times, but he blames me for "poisoning him" and "Killing him". Hospice says it's the tumors in his brain talking to me, but I can't completely believe them. I got him to do Chemo, so by that respect, I DID poison him. In medically accepted ways, but it's still poison. He's leaving me so quickly. We went to the doctor Thursday, and he told us 3 months...instead, here I sit two days later, watchin my husband, out of his head, dying.
I don't know how I'm going to live without him. I hold his hand and try to calm him. Hospice gave us suppositories of tranquilisers, and I gave him one, and he accused me of raping him. I am so broken right now. I'd give anything to hear him say he loves me one more time.
those of you who can still pray, pray for us.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Oh, dear, I think maybe you shouldn't be alone with this. Is there nobody you can call, who can just be there?

The body does shut down gradually, and during that process the organs fail and release toxins that soup up the brain and body in the most unexpected ways. My dad was a peaceful, loving man every day of his life but his last, when he became almost combative.

Forgive and hang in there. It's not your husband talking anymore. I'm praying.

c4nd1s
Posts: 6
Joined: Aug 2011

I feel your pain.
I really do.
You have to realize that it's the beast, not him saying those things.

I'll pray for you KateNTx

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2000
Joined: Aug 2011

You submitted this in your expresssions and I find it an accurate
description of this experience:

No bars, except on every corner
no cells, save those that multiply
Incarcerated, without a crime
in chains to a disease that is not mine

<<>>

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. The others are probably
right about his behavior so don't take it "to heart".

I just finished a round of chemo and am still "roller coasting" from the prednizone.
I bit my sister's head off last night right after she prepared me dinner. I felt so
bad later but the prednizone can make you very agressive and irritable. I know
she forgives me though that doesn't help much with my guilt about it right now.

I'm sure Ric loves you and pray you get your wish to hear it again.
Most of us here have chosen "poison" in our journey. Maybe a better word is
"hope".

I'm thinking of you right now and wishing you strength and peace through this.
Warmest hugs (and dang it, tears too)....

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Darling Kate,

There are so few words right now that are going to bring you comfort... Remember one thing we are walking the same line, when you are weak I will lift you up. We are walking hand in hand.

The people that lay before us are no longer the ones we love for they have reached a peace that no one else can understand. This beast that is ravishing them within has stolen so much. It's taken who they once were from us. This person that lays before us that we pour every ounce of our energy, our love, our devotions, and share our hopes and dreams with. Even though our hopes are they will just make it one more day and to hear one more thank you or " I Love You" from. Those words sweetheart may never come. They are just a shell of who they once were.

But when things get so tough you don't think you can make it one more minute, Take a deep breath, Say a little Prayer, and remember you are not alone even though we feel like it every moment is excruciating painful. ♥ I am walking that parallel line with you right now. I feel as no one can ever understand what I am going through. Then I come back to this site and you are sitting here waiting for me.

One thing I have come to realize:
- No matter how much I believe or want to believe I can not will this beast away. It has such a tight grasp and stolen so much from us we can hardly breathe.

-BOLD FACED HERE!!!!!
**********You have done a fabulous job being there, supporting, doing everything you can to make sure he knows you love him. There is nothing more you could do than what you are doing right now. *************

It's ok to be upset, angry , hurt ect ect. You have that right.

If you ever need me I'm here. We will be forever connected! You are now my sister

Much love and hopefully a little peace to you!!! ♥♥♥x a million

-Valerie

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

He's still breathing. He had a small window this afternoon where I could see him trying to mouth the word Love while I held his hand. He's fading so fast now. My heart wants to keep him here with me, and it wants his pain to just stop, both at the same time. I keep praying, but I'm sure the contradictions in my prayers amuse God. One minute I'm begging him to give my Ric back, and the next, I'm begging for him to get to go home. and, I have no idea what I will do when he's gone, because it's not an "if" now, it's a when. I keep telling Ric it's ok to leave me, but as stubborn as he's always been, he's still here. maybe he's waiting for me to quit on him (never happening). I just wish God would show me some of his much vaunted "mercy", because right now, if he really has my tears in a bottle...it's the size of a big bottle of Jim Bean. You know, the jugs. And I keep wanting...and hurting...and breaking, even when I think i'm already broken into as small of pieces as I can break.
I bought cremation jewelry today. Cremation Jewelry. WTF. I've been married one year, one month, and one week...and my husband is dying. And i keep thinking, if I just say it enough, I'll have to accept it, but it's unacceptable.
I can't keep living without him, yet, I know, logically that I will. Why doesn't something that hurtss as bad as a broken heart kill me? If it weren't for my faith, as shakey as it is now, I swear, i'd go with Ric. I wish we'd been in a car wreck on our way back from the VA and died together.
With the age difference, we always expected I'd outlive him, but what I don't think either of us imagined is how little I'd WANT to. We used to even joke about it.
I'm broken. And all the King's horses and all the king's men, can't put me back together again.
Yet, when his kids call, I sound functional and am able to try to give them comfort. I have no idea how THAT happens, but when they call, I stop crying and try to sound, if not "in control" at least, not on the verge of wanting to die myself.
I've called the funeral home, the crematory, the cemetary, his friends, my friends, his ex wife, his kids. And somehow, i could do it. I've even managed to eat, and read to him, and sing to him. And I, who he used to call "never-stop-talking" have no words left.

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

My heart is breaking for you Kate. I know my own heart is breaking but at the moment I want you to draw all the strength you can from me. You can lean on me cry to me even scream at me. I will be here.. hugs and love sweet Kate.

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

So, I've been "thinking" or what passes for it inside my head lately anyway, and decided to go a google search on "side effect 'long term memory loss'". the answer is ECT...for those of you not from acronymn land, it's called electroshock therapy, or shock therapy, or a medically approved method of running enough voltage through your brain to rewire it. It's also a medically aproved treatment for anxiety and depression unable to be pharmaceutically controlled, a criteria I am reasonably sure I can convince a state headshrinker to consider me as meeting. Why, you might ask? Because NOTHING in my life doesn't have a memory of Ric attached to it, and if I can't move to a forign country and avoid anything that makes me think of him (like perhaps antartica) then erasing my memory seems like an at least semi-reasonable concept. I have the IQ to spare...it could be reduced 50% and still fall within the "normal" range according to Stanford-Binet...and who knows, maybe if I lacked the knowledge I have now I would be a happier person...I know most people who are MR/Borderline MR appear to have fairly uncomplicated, happy lives, and since the severing of the prefrontal cortex is no longer an approved mainstream medical treatment (aka a Lobotomy) ECT feels like it could be a valid option. Irony here, the side effect that makes MOST people want to avoid ECT is the reason I think it's not a bad idea. Plus, it lacks the secondary systemic toxicity that most antidepressants/mood elevators carry as a risk after sustained use at therapeutic dosage, and is pretty damn near impossible to "accidentally" OD on during a deep depressive cycle. See, it passes a prima fascia logic screening. And, in Texas, where i reside (trust me, live isn't the word for what i'm doing now) 63% of Mental Health Facilities still utilise it (yay wikipedia). So, I'm considering it. the beautiful thing about it is events within 2 weeks of ECT treatments to either side are usually the most likely to be erased, so if I play my cards right, I can forget the last week completely. And, it's safer than GHB/succinylcholine which are other options to reduce/eliminate memory. Definately going to give this option some heavy thought. the idea of starting over without my memory is appealing right now, and I have no children who would be hurt by my forgetting them, so...yeah...not the worst idea ever...not even the worst one today

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2000
Joined: Aug 2011

Kate,

I just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

I obeyed our Hospice nurse, and went and got a shower, in the hope that he was waiting for me to leave the room to let go...but...that wasn't it. I can't think of anyone he'd be waiting/wanting to talk to (or at this point honestly listen to), or any reason he'd be hanging on (birthday etc.) I've got no idea why/how he's continuing to hang on. I'm semi-functional right now. I may not be in 20 minutes. Or maybe this calm window will last for hours. I have no idea. I'm kinda functionalish. Or maybe not. Although I did discover, the bathtub has too many memories for me now, so I have no idea what I'll be doing about bathing now. I've pretty much lost my mind...so if you see something small and grey running around on a brainstem, send it this way...or drug it into submission, either way, it's cool. Love you!

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2000
Joined: Aug 2011

KateNTx and c4and1s,

I'm sorry both of you are having to experience
this part of life now. I thought I'd introduce you
two as you are both in similar situations.

Hugs...

Jim

<<>>

c4nd1s

http://csn.cancer.org/node/225299

KateNTx

http://csn.cancer.org/node/225285

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

I fell asleep last night, how, I have no idea, only to jolt awake to the WORST night terror in years (yay PTSD). I had this dream that somehow Ric had a teenaged son and I had to tell him his Dad was in hospital, dying. In the dream, the words "malignant epithelials" were used to describe it. While I had gone home in the dream, he died, and no oone would tell me where his body was. Meanwhile, the neighbors (in the dream)) kept hitting on me. So I busted everything in arms reach, and used the busted glass to carve my face. Then I grabbed a bottle of Ric's favorite whiskey, and shouted "To my husband, Those who knew him, loved him well, those who didn't can go to hell" followed by Screaming "Whiskers' Roadhouse OOH-RAH" at the top of my lungs. I sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and in a cold sweat and realised that for 7 years, whenever I had a night terror, I got over it by resting my head along Ric's collarbone, and listening to his heartbeat until I was able to sleep again, feeling safe listening to the steady thud-thud of his heart. Now, I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I raced to his side (his hospital bed from home hospice is only about 5 ft from my bedside) and thought for sure he was gone, but here I sit, 4 hours later watching him breathe. It's been 15 days since we were told about the Brain Mets. How do you adapt to thinking you are beating or at least at a draw with this disease, to then watching your husband die in 15 days? 5 days ago, he wanted Cannolis and Pizza, and was joking with us and aware. I hate life right now. I hate losing him. I had a panic attack so bad last night, I thought it was a heart attack (and I have non-life threatening heart issues to start with) and all I could think was, Please God, let this be a Heart Attack so I can go with him. As you can tell by the fact I'm typing this, it wasn't. God, how I wish it was. If I still had a "home" instead of just a house, I'd want to go home.

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

I'm so sorry you and Ric are going thru such torment. Why anyone has to endure as much as you two have been thru, I don't know. Hugs to you Kate.

Jennifer

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

You have already begun the grief process, grief for the loss of your husband, grief for the husband you once knew, grief for the life you expected to live, etc. I just wanted you to know that I am reading your posts, thinking about you, and saying a little prayer. I understand how hard this is. I have been there. I, too, wondered how I would survive the loss of my husband, but I have. It will be two years in October since I lost my husband following a six year fight with colon cancer. Surviving is what we do at first, just barely, but as time passes some of the pain passes as well. Just know you are not alone. Many of us here share your pain. Take care of yourself. Fay

c4nd1s
Posts: 6
Joined: Aug 2011

Kate your posts brought me back to a few days ago sitting next to my husbands hospital bed holding his hand rubbing his head and talking his off hoping and praying he'd wake up and speak to me, kiss me, touch me and hug me like he did when we were in our own bed. he left me on august 27 five days after his birthday and five days before mine. we have three wonderful children together. i know your pain kate and i'll tell you it doesn't get easier, but i find comfort in knowing that my lover of sixteen wonderful years is not hurting anymore. i cry alot but it helps get rid of that massive lump in my throat, sorta. i started funeral arrangements yesterday... it hurts to say those words out loud. it's even worse when people phone and i have to explain oer and over what happened and how i'm doing okay and the kids are okay.. like WTF how do you think we are?? do you honestly think i'm okay?? anyways before i vent about other stuff i feel your pain kate and i hope for the sake of your sanity things work out but at the sametime i want to say be prepare if they don't cause that my friend is a shitty reality of this beast we know as cancer.

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

I'm holding up ok, motly because I'm telling Ric stories to our friends about before he got sick, and getting to relive some of our good times. I still feel half-dead inside, and watching him linger in his coma is hard. This morning I put some Clapton on the iTunes for him, and he fluttered his eyes open and tried to mouth along to "Tears in Heaven". I started the Arrangements (Cremation/Urn/Internment/Cremation Jewelry/memorial pendants) Saturday, when the reality of him dying was overwhelming me, and the only way I could approach "sanity" was to force myself to deal with concrete detail work. I'd love to want things to "work out" but the medical facts are even if he were to emerge from this coma, the combination of brain dmage/multi-system failure would only mean prolonged sufferring. I don't want that for him or for me. I'd love to hear him talk to me again, and yesterday I found videos on my computer I thought I had deleted months ago of him, high off his ass from having his teeth pulled, laughing and joking, and tripping out. It was/is a comfort, because I thought I'd never hear him say my name again. Now, I can hear him whenever I need to, and for awhile, I think that's going to be daily.
I am, mostly ok, or as ok as it is possible to be under these circumstances. Pretty sure that when he actually leaves, I'm going to go through another bad patch, but, now that I've survived the first one, I'm more confident of my ability to get through the rest of it, even if I can't imagine exactly how. We have great friends who have come over every day to see us, two who have stayed with me and Ric since Friday, and Ric's best friend flew in from Virginia to be with us. Thankfully, no one except his kids phones, and they get what I am going through. Our pastor and his wife came by last night for a bit, so I have them to lean on after, as well.
The VA after my ENORMOUS blow up on the phone at them yesterday, did agree to pay for hospice, so at least that won't be the battle I had expected.
I'm holding on, and trying to show Ric I can be strong enough that he doesn't have to worry about me. My heart is breaking into smaller pieces each day, but they keep beating. I'll fight to the end, just like Ric has, because that's what he would want me to do, not because I have any desire to go on, and because our memories are now my memories and I never want them forgotten.
Much Love,
Kate

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2000
Joined: Aug 2011

We are brothers and sisters in this journey
and you are STRONG little sister, Kate.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I know how hard those last days are, but believe it or not I do have some good memories of my husband's last days. I remember the friends who visited, the stories that made us laugh, the pastor who brought his guitar and sang gospel tunes, the prayers, the people who offered support for our families in so many ways, my husband squeezing my hand when i told him i loved him, and the prayers that were lifted for us. So many people cared. It sounds like you have people who care for you, too. Hold on to the love. The road ahead is not an easy one but somehow you will find the strength to endure. Prayers and hugs, Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Just sorry. Words don't help but maybe knowing others have been, are, and will continue to be where you are does. Misery doesn't really like company, but we do like knowing we are not alone. Give yourself time to grieve in your own time and way. It really is a process. Take care, Fay

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry. Your eloquent posts brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of my SIL. She lost her husband to esoph cancer a year ago. They'd been married 20 yrs . I don't know how she did it, but with support of his 2 sons, brother, best buddy and friends, was able to keep working until 2 wks before he passed, kept him home until the very end. Hospice came in. She lost him 2 mos. after losing her father, my FIL, unexpectedly to heart attack. She was beyond devastated. Someone she kept going. The only advice I can give you it to just keep moving and breathing and praying and hoping and yes crying.. And know you are not alone.
Thinking of you and Ric and sending big hugs your way.

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

Ric Passed at 6pm Central Today. Oddly enough, it was AMAZING. I hurt less tonight than I have for the last several days. The moment we shared Just before he passed was so incredibly beautiful that it is indescribable. I am left with a sense of peace I never expected. He was crying to be leaving me, not from pain, and when I told him (and his best friend did) that I would be ok, he gave me the most incredible smile, opened his eyes wide for the first time since Friday, looked right at me, and smiled and then the light in his eyes just slipped away. It was incredibly peaceful, especially compared to how violent and delusional he was during his last fully conscious day. It took most of the pain of that away.
I know now that he lived the last 4 days because of our love (medically he should have passed Saturday night), and I am so blessed to have been his wife.
How incredibly blessed I am to have been with him to the very end.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2000
Joined: Aug 2011

We are all blessed in your sharing of
this beautiful story.

Thank you

(A Pueblo Indian Prayer)

Hold On

Hold on to what is good,
Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if someday I'll be gone away from you.

ketziah35
Posts: 1145
Joined: Jun 2010

I am so sorry that Ric had to leave you, but happy that you got to spend this time with him. May his last gestures bring comfort to you.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so relieved to hear that Ric's transition was so full of Grace. I'm so sorry for your loss, but join you in the lightening of your burden. Yes, being loved well is the best of all blessings. Hugs and more...

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am glad you were able to experience some peace and that Ric was too. In the next few days and months you will have hard times but can hold on to those moments of peace to help you through them. Please allow yourself to grieve. It is a process and takes time. I can highly recommend the Grief and Bereavement board here. It helped me a great deal and there are some great people there who can offer you support. Take care of yourself now. Fay

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

That Ric passed away, but relieved he went peacefully. Take time for yourself when all settles down. Hugs for you, dear lady.
Jennifer

Daisylin's picture
Daisylin
Posts: 380
Joined: May 2011

Kate, I've read over your previous posts as well as this most recent one, and I am so terribly sad to hear of Ric's passing. I am glad that you had some tender wonderful moments. I hope this will ease the pain of the last little bit of his life. I can feel the love in your posts, and he obviously felt the same for you. Cancer is a nasty cruel beast, that takes away so much from us. I am again, so sorry for your loss Katie, be well
Chantal

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

Today was mostly a good day. I feel like I did most of my Acute grieving as I watched Ric die. I was actually able to make plans to travel with some of our friends (who were his friends before he and I met) and feel ok about trying to find some kind of future for me. Not feeling like I have an actual plan or anything, just open to the idea that I can make plans that include Ric's memory without feeling like I only have to remember the ending of his life. I'm sure I will continue to be hit with waves of all-consuming pain, but for today, I was able to plan and even enjoy time with friends.
I think it helps that with Ric, there was nothing unresolved between us. Nothing we needed to say, or needed to hear. The look he gave me before he died said more than a million words ever could. Being with him like that was as amazing, and as inspiring, and even as beautiful as watching a child be born.
His Best Friend, who was also with him, and I have tried to talk about it, but we can't find words to describe it, and trying to explain it to anyone who wasn't there is impossible. All I can say is he was at complete peace, and filled with Love and knew that he was completely loved. I don't know how someone without any ability to speak and only seconds to live could convey all that, but I know Ric did.
If anyone else has been with their loved one at the moment of their passing, maybe they can tell me if this is "normal" from what I can find as far as stories from Hospice workers in various forums and media, that kind of death is a gift the person leaving gives to those he/she leaves behind. I feel like Ric hung on to life those last 4 days to be able to be with me through the initial impact of my grief for him, and left me with that smile to ease my pain, because he was going to a place where there isn't any pain and he didn't want to leave me hurting as much as I was while watching him die.
Ric was pure Love in the last moments of his life, and as close as I have ever stood to seeing God. I still don't know why God wouldn't heal Ric and give us more time together, but the Love I saw on his face as he "told" me goodbye was pure and devine, and unspeakable. I get the whole "we see through a glass darkly" thing now, because for those last seconds of Ric's life, I saw Heaven in his love and in his eyes.
While I intend to live as long as my body is able, my soul can't WAIT to be in that Love again. It was sacred, holy, and complete, and I was blessed to catch a glimpse of it, and have it to guide me home when my time on Earth is over.
Love,
Kate

ahamric's picture
ahamric
Posts: 92
Joined: Jun 2011

Wow..thats all I can say. You are truly an inspiration. Your strength is amazing. I pray if I ever have to let another loved one go I have the clarity that you have. Thank you for being you. God bless your family,I have you in my prayers this morning.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I always say that Doug was not cured, but he was healed. Healing takes many forms. From what you have written, I can't help but believe that Ric, too, was healed. I wish you peace. Fay

chemosmoker's picture
chemosmoker
Posts: 525
Joined: Aug 2011

Kate.
My heart goes out to you. Your strength is moving. I, too, know that Ric is at peace now, no more pain.

I wish for you calm and peace as the coming days and months bring the swing of emotions that only those that hold true love in their hearts can possibly know.

I wish for you strength and courage to face them with dignity.

We are all STILL here for you, always.

-Eric

DitZy2
Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

The pain and the beauty of you losss brings back the memories of the loss of my sister. My deepest sympathies to you I am so sorry for you loss.

I lost my sister Erica on 2/25/11 she was 4o yrs old. It was a heartwrenching time, 2 days before she died i was sitting holding her hand telling her we'd be together again, at that time she wasn't communicating at all but she woke up and gave me the sweetest smile. The day she died my youngest sister was with her and right before she passed she raised her arms and then a tear slipped down her cheek and she was gone. I like to believe it was a tear of joy to where she was going. Erica never cried about her condition the last 6 months of her life.

Your story touched me so much I know we will be with out loved ones and I know they are in a better place! God has touched us through them!

((((Hugs to you)))))

Diane

robertjuy
Posts: 45
Joined: Aug 2011

My father left us 12 years ago. 5 days before he died his spirit left. The pain was so unbarelble he told my sister that he was losing control and that it would be the last conversation. He was right, he screamed yelled, bit me, said horrible things. But remember, the person that is hurting you is not the one you love. It is an empty shell with a mind that has left for the afterlife. The body is left behind fueled by nothing but basic insticts. Chemo is not your fault. He's not there. Take care of the vessel and remember the mind and spirit has passed on.

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