"So...are you okay now?"

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TraciInLA
TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
On another thread, missrenee mentioned something that I think deserves its own discussion -- 'cause I myself would love to hear some good ideas about this, too!

For those of us who've completed active treatment, how do you answer that infamous question from casual acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors: "So...are you okay now?"

Or the close cousin I get ALL the time: "But you're okay now, right?"

Exactly what the #$*%& does "okay" mean, anyway??!!

For me, I'm seldom content to allow someone else to think that my life is just all sunshine and roses and chirping birds now, like cancer never happened. So, since I'm on Tamoxifen, I tend to answer, "Well, I have to be on medication for 5 years, which has some side effects that I still have to deal with."

"FIVE YEARS?!?" is the typical answer I get.

"Yeah, cancer sucks even more than you thought, doesn't it?" (is what I say in my head)

Do the rest of you get the "okay" question, too? How do you answer it?

Traci
«13

Comments

  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #2
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    I usually say "Yes, I'm
    I usually say "Yes, I'm fine." Even if they ask about the Parkinson's. I don't feel like dwelling on it. And I really am OK. And don't think they really want to hear the details anyway.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #3
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    I get that question. Right
    I get that question. Right now I'm saying..."My doc says I'm in remission and I'm planning to stay that way."

    I hope this helps.

    Linda
  • epark
    epark Member Posts: 339
    #4
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    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    I get that question. Right
    I get that question. Right now I'm saying..."My doc says I'm in remission and I'm planning to stay that way."

    I hope this helps.

    Linda

    I feel you...
    I'm still treating and people ask me that question...I look at them like they have 2 headsDO I LOOK OK TO YOU....really people????? but of course i just tell i'am and will be ok...ugh

    Eva
  • Lighthouse_7
    Lighthouse_7 Member Posts: 1,566 Member
    #5
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    epark said:

    I feel you...
    I'm still treating and people ask me that question...I look at them like they have 2 headsDO I LOOK OK TO YOU....really people????? but of course i just tell i'am and will be ok...ugh

    Eva

    Hi Traci,
    I always say,
    Hi Traci,
    I always say, "Yes, I'm fine now." This makes them feel so much better :)
    They can't understand and it would take too long to explain.
    Hugs,
    Wanda
  • CAchick
    CAchick Member Posts: 277
    #6
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    Depends on the person...
    I do get that crazy question. Usually, how I answer depends on who is asking. Acquaintance-"doing better now". Friend-I give the details. Family-details...
    It just depends with me!
    But, I can relate to the "weirdness" of that question!
    Sybil
    PS--when I used to get that question in or immediately after intensive treatments, I always answered in my head, "I'm making the most of the two weeks I have left..." :)
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
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    CAchick said:

    Depends on the person...
    I do get that crazy question. Usually, how I answer depends on who is asking. Acquaintance-"doing better now". Friend-I give the details. Family-details...
    It just depends with me!
    But, I can relate to the "weirdness" of that question!
    Sybil
    PS--when I used to get that question in or immediately after intensive treatments, I always answered in my head, "I'm making the most of the two weeks I have left..." :)

    well its not the best answer
    well its not the best answer but I usually say"right now I am but you never know" I wush I was more pity or clever but thats just how I am.
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #8
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    carkris said:

    well its not the best answer
    well its not the best answer but I usually say"right now I am but you never know" I wush I was more pity or clever but thats just how I am.

    I usually say, Yes I'm okay
    I usually say, Yes I'm okay now thank you. They don't mean no harm by it and I am sure most of them don't realize their simple question is insensitive. I believe their heart is there and I don't want to be the jerk and say "No I'll never be okay" and offend them for reaching out to me. So I try and keep my world rosey in their eyes anyways.

    Another comment I get a lot of is "Wow you look fantastic. I would have never known you had cancer. I mean.. you look so good." To which again.. I just smile and thank them.

    Hugs,
    Lorrie
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #9
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    Traci, let me know when you
    Traci, let me know when you get a good answer. My family knows there is no real answer to that question. It is funny that the people at work all want to hear that I am all better. I work at a hospital, they should know better! I guess it's like when people ask "how is your day going", do they want a real answer or just "fine"? May be that should be the response, "do you want the whole answer?"

    Cindy
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    #10
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    mamolady said:

    Traci, let me know when you
    Traci, let me know when you get a good answer. My family knows there is no real answer to that question. It is funny that the people at work all want to hear that I am all better. I work at a hospital, they should know better! I guess it's like when people ask "how is your day going", do they want a real answer or just "fine"? May be that should be the response, "do you want the whole answer?"

    Cindy

    My response~
    ~ is "I am well" and leave it at that (if they will let me). Most that I am close with know all that is going on in detail. I figure many people care, and many people don't have the best approach for inquiring....those inquiring minds want to know~ I try and be as gracious as possible. Lord knows, I have needed grace MANY times over for saying something the wrong way~
    Melanie
  • sinee
    sinee Member Posts: 196 Member
    #11
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    so far
    my favorite stupid question is are you going to keep your hair that short, it looks so good on you...I look them dead in the eye and say why no, I am never ever cutting my hair again, being bald sucked almost as much as having cancer...to the ones that say, so your ok now right? I say, sure are you ok now? I'm ok if you're ok~lol
  • sinee
    sinee Member Posts: 196 Member
    #12
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    butterflylvr said:

    I usually say, Yes I'm okay
    I usually say, Yes I'm okay now thank you. They don't mean no harm by it and I am sure most of them don't realize their simple question is insensitive. I believe their heart is there and I don't want to be the jerk and say "No I'll never be okay" and offend them for reaching out to me. So I try and keep my world rosey in their eyes anyways.

    Another comment I get a lot of is "Wow you look fantastic. I would have never known you had cancer. I mean.. you look so good." To which again.. I just smile and thank them.

    Hugs,
    Lorrie

    good Lorrie
    love it, and I agree..even those that may never have cancer have their own battles with life and other problems. It is fun to mess with them sometimes though, just depends on who it is and how well I know them...hehehe, just the little devil inside me..what can I say.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #13
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    Now being 5 years out....
    My response has changed from earlier. I did say "Well, for the moment". I now say "According to the stats, I have re-joined the rest of the world. I have my life changes, with allergies and hip and shoulder pain, but all in all, it's better than the alternative!"

    My beau and I are fighting HIS health, with congestive heart failure. A dear friend (and pick sister) is very ill with heart trouble, as well. So there are for me other concerns as well as cancer.

    I'm not sure, if I had a reoccurance, that the people (other than my family) that knew about my first 2 cancers would hear about a reoccurance. I think it would rock their worlds too much....sigh...I hope I never have to face that decision!!!!



    Hugs, Kathi
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #14
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    GRRRR!
    Well since there is the visual of my arm sleeve due to the lymphedema they know all is not peachy! I usually tell them that for now I am stable. That statement tends to cause them to look confused and I tell them the cancer cells are still roaming around inside of me, to date they are behaving and have not adhered themselves to any more of my body parts. This is usually enough to end the conversation they truly should not have ventured into in the first place. What kind of question is that anyway! Sorry, guess its a sore point with me.

    RE
  • mollieb
    mollieb Member Posts: 148
    #15
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    It Depends on Who's Asking
    Even though I am still in treatment, people want to feel that all is well. If it's the board members from my job, I assure them that everything is fine, although I make it clear I still have some times ahead where I might not be 100% at work. If it's a family member freaked out that I may be really sick, I tell them my doctors think I have a very good prognosis. A close friend might get the gritty details. All of these people care about me and truly want me to be well. They are looking for reassurance (hey, so am I). Although, in general, I usually give too much detail about everything, in this case I am working on some stock answers to the "how are you doing?" question. Often, the best response is some variation of "Much better!"
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    #16
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    This is an uncomfortable question
    I stutter around and tell them that yes chemo and rads are over and we are hoping for the best but only time will tell. The one I loved was "well they got it all, right?" The true answer was no they couldn't get it all out of my underarm area because it was wrapped around some vessels but I usually just changed the subject. Didn't want my small town to get ahold of that and run with it.

    Great subject,

    Jennifer
  • jamiegww
    jamiegww Member Posts: 384
    #17
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    I usually get the "Did they get it all?" question.
    I consider that okay because I wonder that myself all the time. I usually reply with a "yes, but it can always come back". I was somewhat dumbfounded when the cardiologist asked me if I was worried or anxious about anything. He seemed somewhat confused when I told him I worry that my cancer will return. The man clearly has not dealt with many, if any, cancer patients. Anyway, at this very second, I am "okay" and I hope you all are "okay" as well!

    HUGS!!!
    Jamie
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #18
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    jamiegww said:

    I usually get the "Did they get it all?" question.
    I consider that okay because I wonder that myself all the time. I usually reply with a "yes, but it can always come back". I was somewhat dumbfounded when the cardiologist asked me if I was worried or anxious about anything. He seemed somewhat confused when I told him I worry that my cancer will return. The man clearly has not dealt with many, if any, cancer patients. Anyway, at this very second, I am "okay" and I hope you all are "okay" as well!

    HUGS!!!
    Jamie

    I say, I'm fine Thank you
    I say, I'm fine Thank you and I get " Well were glad that's over " I just smile. I to am on Tamoxofen for 5 years and they would not understand the pain at night caused by this drug. They also don't understand that it's never really over !
    Kathy
  • Clementine_P
    Clementine_P Member Posts: 518 Member
    #19
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    It is not an easy question
    because I really think that most people aren't looking to hear the truth. They are looking for sunshine and rainbows. Those that know you well, know your situation and, therefore, wouldn't ask the question. Sometimes, I think people ask that just because they feel uncomfortable and feel the need to say something. So, since I think that most people don't really want to hear the details, I always answer, "I am really well now, thanks". I feel like that is the easiest answer for me and it pretty much puts an end to the conversation right there.

    All I can say is thank goodness people can't read my thoughts. If they could, nobody would ever ask me that question again!

    Clementine
  • mariam_11_09
    mariam_11_09 Member Posts: 691
    #20
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    I typically say that 'I am

    I typically say that 'I am as okay as anyone who has gone through cancer treatment' and the cousin
    'But you're okay now, right?" I typically say something along the lines of
    'I don't know, the doctor's don't know, they 'think' they got it but they can never be sure. There is no cure for cancer you just have to live with the unknown' and often I remind people that 'I felt okay when I got the cancer diagnosis.'

    Honestly I feel the same way as you do about it Traci, in every respect. There are two things I always remind myself in an attempt to practice patience.
    1.People want to be reasured that you are alright for their own sakes because they are afraid of cancer.
    2.People who have never gone through cancer have no idea what it is like and trying to explain it to them is like trying to explain how sweet and delicious love making can be to a child, they just won't get it.
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #21
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    "I'm doing Great!"
    is my usual reply and it is true - Iam. I have some issues that I deal with that weren't there BBC (Before Breast Cancer) like thyroid doesn't like working any more, gall bladder now has stones (at least that what scan says), lymphedema and I have osteoporosis. Oh forgot arthritis has gotten worse. All handleable so no biggy - I can (and do) anything I want to do - so my life is not limited at all at this time as to quality of life because of cancer - So I'm doing Great. Yesterday my Chemo Dr even walked in and said "You look Great!".

    There is no one 'right' answer to give or a 'right' question to ask/comment to make to someone if you're inquiring. Everybody 'sees' things differently. As long as the person is commenting (or asking) HONESTLY - I don't care what they say/ask - they are showing concern in their own way.

    Everybody has their own journey to make - don't assume that just because you don't see/know what someone has to travel that it's easier than your journey. I know several (not cancer) that there is no way I would trade places with them on their journey.

    Susan

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