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I envy you all

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

I have been following this board for some time.

And I have to say I admire you all for your feistiness.

I think I lost to cancer. Cancer broke my spirit and
made me invisible.I was alone to begin with, busy chasing
a career. Now my loneliness, is just unbearable. Looking
my own mortality in the face, it just seems like I wasted
a life time. Worst of all, I never even really had any success.
No success, no family - what should I fight for?

I haven't left my house in over 3 months. When I do
I usually come home and cry. I hate the looks I get
and am tired of pretending that I don't care. Tired
of being cheerful and overly hopeful. I had the full
cancer special - chemo, radiation and two surgeries...
Yeay me.

I know what you are going to say, support group.
Been there, after the meeting everyone returns to
their lives no one cares. it's all talk, SO MUCH talk.

I played the game, even threw parties- wigs and all.
Why do I have to pretend, when I really feel like I can't
go on anymore. No correction, I don't want to. If I have
gotten only this far in life before cancer, it seems to me
my future is bleak.

sorry if I depressed anyone... but it's not all honkey dory
in cancer land.

F.C

jo jo's picture
jo jo
Posts: 1175
Joined: Jun 2010

NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY IN CANCERLAND!
Most of us in here have had many trials thru our journey with cancer right along with the cancer itself. Some broken marriages, family members pulling away, friends leaving, loneliness ect ect...then we have to deal with the cancer itself. Nothing goes accorrding to plan we all have the weird little corks and lots of set backs and bumps in the road and the list goes on and on. We even have a few melt downs during it.
But you have to pick your butt up and fight back. Im sorry if this came out mean im not meaning it to, I have the best intentions but it just breaks my heart when i hear someone wants to give up and let the cancer win when you have such a gift as life.
Not everyone is ment for support groups and strangly enough thats why some of us come to this board, you can be yourself and people here are caring loving supportive people.
You have been watching this board for awhile and you could of just stayed invisible or show yourself...you showed yourself...that gives me hope that you havent totally given up.
If you need to talk someone is always here. We will give you tons of support in here.
Cancer isnt easy and im sorry you have to go thru it alone and their are a few other good people in here going thru the same thing. Please just dont give up!

sausageroll's picture
sausageroll
Posts: 415
Joined: Dec 2008

Well said Jo Jo. Fiona, you probably could not say anything on here that someone else has not experienced and I don't think we will ever judge you...so feel free to say anything that is on your mind. I am sorry that you are feeling so low and Jo Jo is right support groups are not for everyone.Even with great support there are times when we all feel low, so it is understandable that it would be so for you. However, sometimes, cancer can be a wake up call. None of us know how long we have to live...even those without cancer...so we know we have to make every day count in some little way. I don't mean to say that it is easy. I'll be thinking of you and hopefully brighter days are ahead for you....if not come here and chat.

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

I think you should seek some counseling. Sometimes, we all need some help in dealing with bc. Good luck to you!

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

I know tough love when I see it.

My situation is a little more complex. I have been in the US for over 15 years
now, 10 of which I worked at least two jobs just to get by. I couldn't get good
jobs they wouldn't hire me without a greencard. I came here to get away from
my old life. I come from a home with illiterate parents and a physically abusive father.
I thought I knew how to live a different life but it's just not working. At 32
when I got the green card I started to take some college classes. I haven been
pretty much fending for myself since I am 13 (my first job). I feel like I don't
know how to act in your world. I tried to educate myself but there's still a
lot I don't know.
Prior to cancer I worked so hard, I had no time to think about what if's. But
now I am scared. Scared because I have seen that some people just have a
sad life and that's that - no happy ending. I saw it happening to my mom.
She married my dad young, very young, had kids, got beaten up and fought
my dad to get food on the table for us.Yep he didn't even do that much.
She suffered a lot in her life, diabetes got the better of her, she died young.
All our clothes came from bags that other people put out on the street for
charity organizations to pick up. Nothing ever fit me needless to say.
A lot of people were sorry for us children. And I hated that.
Now it feels like people are sorry for me again. They can't even look at me.
It hurts me very much.
What I really need is not medicine or therapy. I wish I had a home to go
to with people that cared for and carried me for a while till I can stand
alone again. I just feel depleted.

So go ahead and judge me all you want... do you think I don['t want to
feel better, be more hopeful? I don't recognize myself anymore.

F.C

kakie
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2010

First...how to act in this world is in being yourself and from what I have just read you are one hell of a strong and determined woman ..to leave your Country and fend for yourself...striving for a better life. You haven't had it easy...thats for sure...but don't let yourself give up on everything you have worked so hard to do. That, right there is a sucess in itself...and a big one. Don't lose your determination that has gotten you this far!!!!!!!!!! You have worked to hard for it and there are happy endings and you do have the strengh..you have already proven it...I don't feel sorry for you.... because I think you are strong..and simply need to be heard....and you have a home, right here....some of us can only use one arm, but it is strong, we all carry eachother...and that feels like home for me. You are still in there..pull her back out..and recognize yourself again. You have a home here.

jo jo's picture
jo jo
Posts: 1175
Joined: Jun 2010

I just had to reply once again cuz i just want to let you know that i do understand what your going thru. My father was very abusive when we were growing up, i also left home being on my own at 13years old...i started a family at 16 years old and my exhusband was also very abusive. I always had to stay inside, i felt like a prisioner, i had no life...no friends and my family wasnt around...i was by myself. Then one day i said that i have had enough...i grabbed my kids and left and we started a new wonderful life. I went back to school and got a degree with a 4.0 gpa. But dont think that it was easy, it took awhile and it seemed the harder i tried the more road blocks i hit but we got thru them and i have such a different outlook on life now...this cancer is just another road block. There are people on here that have been there done that and know exactly how you are feeling right now...i know its not going to get better overnite...its going to take time. Maybe telling your doctor isnt a bad idea cuz some people can pull out of it on their own and some need a little extra help and there is no shame in that...just whatever it takes to get you on the right track again...i know you can do this!

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It really helped me, just to know that someone similar to me
it out there and fighting along me.

I really didn't appreciate some of you questioning my posts. Is it really that far fetched that someone is truly hurting
from this experience? Especially if that someone is having to go it all alone?
You will never know what I went through and how I got where I am till you walked a mile in my shoes. That is why
I would never question anyone's feelings or fears on this board. We come from all walks of life. And some of us
et doled out so much more than others. I am not asking for pity but for compassion.

To tell you about myself, I was diagnosed with stage 2 HER positve 2 years ago, had a lumpectomy, chemo and
radiation. That time around - I had some support and I pushed and made it through. Then came the news no one
wants to hear recurrence. This time I had a bilateral mastectomy and this time I had to do it pretty much on my own.
It was as if people felt I was a hopeless cause.

And I have to tell you all, I feel a lot better. I was in a lot pain, complications during my mastectomy and hadn't
slept well in over week. I broke down and asked for sleeping pills and a few days of deep sleep worked wonders
on me.

Please accept my apologies if I upset anyone,that was not my intent. I was just exhausted and my guard was down.

And thank you for all your kind words, I can't tell you how much they meant to me. When I posted first, I really felt
that I was in a place where words couldn't reach me, I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I was going to be
ok, but you proved me wrong. All your posts really touched and warmed my heart.

F.C

jo jo's picture
jo jo
Posts: 1175
Joined: Jun 2010

Fiona
We all have compasion for you thats why we responded, but i dont think anyone ment to question your feelings...it may have come across to you that way but i truely think everyone here had the best of intentions and are very concerned about you.
To add to this everyone has their weak moments and lets their guard down...its ok we have all done it...heck ive done it a few times!
Im glad it sounds like your feelin better with some much needed sleep.
I think we all need a hug and someone telling us its going to be ok...we are human and that is our nature but we are all giving you cyber hugs!

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2259
Joined: Jun 2010

Dear Fiona-
I think the reason we're seeing your post as depressing might be because you are depressed. And it's easy to say we've all been there because we have, but if you are finding yourself being unable to feel better, please, please, talk to your doctor so you can get the professional help you might need to begin to have hope again. There is no shame in antidepressant medications or therapy. Sometimes we need help beyond "picking ourselves up by out bootstraps". Sometimes that just doesn't work. It sounds like it's not working for you.
Where are you located? Maybe one of us is close enough to you geographically to provide some more personal support, even if only via email. It's sometimes comforting just knowing there's someone closeby who understands. This board is great, too, keep posting please. Lots of insight, understanding, and reassurance here. We're all different, and we're all the same because we understand the emotions that go along with this stupid cancer!
Suzanne

MomMichelle's picture
MomMichelle
Posts: 93
Joined: Jun 2010

I know there have been days that I have felt the same way. Mad, sad, angry, depressed and tired. Not wanting to leave the house, days where I want to crawl in a hole. Not sure what your diagnosis is or how much more treatment you have to go. It sounds like you are done with some of it though. Yesterday I had a port surgery, had a mastectomy in June, and this Thursday I start chemo. I am scared to death. It sounds like you are already through that...I envy you for being on the other side.

You asked what should you fight for? Fight for you. You have already come this far. I know it is tiring to pretend all is well. My sister after her miscarriage starting saying she was going to "fake it till she makes it." That is what I will do to. Eventually things will look up again and our lives will resume a more normal feel. We are here for you! Fight for you!

bakerette
Posts: 75
Joined: Jun 2010

Girl, if you feel as if you've wasted a life time, you are unhappy,and feel as though you are not successful, well, that's good 'cause now you are sure of what you don't want! Are you done with treatments? Take this alone time and write out how you would like your life to look. Journaling helps you get clear on what you want. Then take baby steps towards achieving those small goals. Think about things you used to enjoy. Reading? join a book club, art? take classes. Gardening? It's a way to meet new people who share some of your interests. What do you feel you should have accomplished by now? Is it realistic? Why is it important? What can you do now to get on the right track? The past is done, you learn, you grow and you move on. What do you want for your future? Dream, plan, do!

roseann4
Posts: 994
Joined: Sep 2009

I have a very long experience with clinical depression. It can leave a person feeling empty and hopeless. None of us is joyful after a cancer diagnosis but for some of us a cancer diagnosis can trigger a serious depression issue. Please tell your doctors what you are feeling. Medication may help you get back your life and help you to look at things differently. My son went through a depression and at first I tried to help him with encouraging words. However his brain chemistry was screwed up and he needed help to get his brain chemistry in balance. He sounded a lot like you. He said he was a failure and had nothing to live for and he was only 18 years old. Please talk to your doctors and see if medication makes sense for you. You can feel good again!

Roseann

Emilyfimily's picture
Emilyfimily
Posts: 141
Joined: Jan 2010

FionaC, I'm so sorry you're feeling so extremely down and depressed right now and have had such a rough time of it. Yes, cancer truly sucks. But life can be pretty great anyway if we determine it to be. Forget about whatever you don't think you've accomplished before all this. Say "screw it", ditch it, and look at this as a new start. "Dream, plan, do!" as bakerette said. If you're feeling this down about things, it can't get any worse right? So what do you have to lose? What is the life you *want* to have? What do you want to do? Could you get out of the house a little bit, maybe find a quiet spot in a nice park or something like that and do a little reflection? Get yourself a notebook and just start writing down thoughts or ideas?
Thinking about you, lady. Take care,
Emilyfimily

Jean 0609's picture
Jean 0609
Posts: 2307
Joined: Jun 2010

Sending positive thoughts, prayers & hugs your way. I can't say anything else that everyone hasn't already posted above. We are all here for you. Hang in there! Hugs, Jean

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

First of all, most of us have felt the way you do at one time or another. We've been through every emotion, felt the loneliness, sadness, anger, disbelief, hopelessness. In the beginning of my journey, I felt like I was in a black hole--so deep that I would never find a way to climb out. But, I did. It was a choice I made. In my mind, I could play this hand I was dealt in two ways--I could succumb to my grief and stay in my black hole (which felt horrible) OR I could chose to use every fiber in my being to get my life back--get energized, get positive, get well. I spoke to a good friend of mine (who is also a physician) and was brutally honest with my feelings. He put me on Zoloft (an anti-depressant). I started getting out of the house--even just walking outside, looking around, seeing the sky. I made myself do something I enjoyed every day--either reading, or going to Starbuck's for a special coffee, I laughed at something every day--even just the absurdity that had become my life. If you don't have someone you can be honest with--a therapist might be in order. Just talking all this out can really help.

Fiona, you deserve to be happy and have the life you were meant to have--whatever that is. But, YOU make it happen. Make the steps--baby steps at first--you'll be glad you did.

Hugs, Renee

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

I just want to tell you Fiona that I will pray for you and I hope that you find brighter days ahead of you, cause there are!

♡ Diane

MyTurnNow's picture
MyTurnNow
Posts: 2694
Joined: Aug 2009

Fione, I hate to say it, but your post really is depressing. My recommendation for you is to begin a new day with a totally new outlook. There certainly must be things in your life that interest you. Now is the time to pursue them. Make sure it is something that is realistic so you can see the fruits of your efforts. Then, continue to take one day at a time. You are definately on the right site if you are looking for encouragement. Better yet, lately the readings on this board have had plenty of humor, too. Laughter is a wonderful thing for your positive well being. Good luck!!

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8220
Joined: Aug 2009

posted comments ... but, I don't. Decide this is the DAY, that you change your life, goals and the way you face difficulties. Only you have the POWER to make the change - we are all faced with tragedy -- darkness and illness, the only difference is that we choose to fight like the devil each day - step by step, 1 foot in front of the other. I'm not saying life is a breeze, or piece of cake for any of us .. All I'm saying is that we choose the mood in which we approach each day of our lives.

Have yourself a good cry, take a shower .. get out a booklet of paper and write down everything you are grateful for .. even if it's a singing bird outside .. add to your notebook - everyday.

Call your Onc get in to see him or her, contact breast cancer centers in your area and see if there is a support group out there near by.

Believe me when I say ... It's up to you and no one else. Take back your life!

Strength and Courage:

Vicki Sam

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

but I wouldn't have written if I wasn't at the end
of my rope.

Sure there are things that interest me. I am just too damn
tired to do them. I used to be very athletic and I miss that.

F.C

AMomNETN
Posts: 242
Joined: Apr 2010

Fiona I'm so sorry for all you have been through. You have certainly hard a tough life and no one can deny that. We all want our family to love and care about us. Unfortunately not everyone can have that. Do you have one person you are close to? Maybe a short get together with them once a week would improve things. You have survived so much in your life because you are a figher and don't give up now. Our past is our past we can't change it but we can learn from it and change our future. Take one day when you feel OK and do something just for a little while. I've found I have to force myself at times and I"m glad I do. How far into treatment are you and what are you taking? We are all here for you so just keep writing. We may not totally understand but we will do our best to help.

Janie

sweetvickid's picture
sweetvickid
Posts: 436
Joined: Nov 2009

This journey has knocked me on my butt a number of times. Takes alittle time to get my fighting spirit back together. And yes there have been times when I have thought my life has been a total waste. But you know I am making kind of a bucket list now. I am sitting new priorities and new goals for what I want to accomplish in my life so that I can say at the end my life did have meaning.

I have had chronic depression all my adult life. And I have went thru some severe depressions. But I have never been suicidal because I know everything is temporary. With that knowledge I have been able to ride it out. That same knowledge is what gets me thru this cancer journy. Right now it is in the my life sucks stage but give it some time and you will move out of that stage.

Wish you lived close to Springfield, MO because I would come get you and we would go have some fun!

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4505
Joined: Aug 2009

getting cancer and treatment is a trauma, people develop PTSD after cancer, especially higher rates for people who have gone through other traumas. You might see a therapist who talk about this. If you look at how far you have come, from your upbringing, that is a success. You rose above it, and have made something different of your life and that is huge. Not all of us go on to be rock stars, its the small things we do that make a difference. You will start to feel better physically, and then you will feel like doing something. perhaps you can volunteer. I am hoping to drive people to chemo. take baby steps but dont sit around letting yourself be sad, some grieving is healthy and we all have a good cry once in a while(or more than once in a while he he)but dont dwell in this as you are wasting your gift. You are a fighter, do what you do best! Take this as an opportunity to examine your life and change it, I have done this too. "its not the cards you are dealt, its the way you play them" this does stink, but it gets better. hang in there better days are coming. keep posting, and listen to these wise ladies and sometimes gentlemen they know what they are talking about, hugs

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

Not to sound like it's so easy to get beyond this, but I have found what helps me is to focus on others and their problems--like volunteering or helping someone in need whether it's to listen to them talk, run an errand, relieve a young mom for an hour or two by taking her child to a movie--I have done all of that and more and it mainly helps me more than the other person. It allows you to feel good about yourself and to feel that you matter. Doesn't have to be a big thing--even the smallest thing that you do for someone else can brighten your day.

Good Luck, Renee

survives
Posts: 255
Joined: Feb 2010

It is going to get better, because I think we are going to help PULL you out of this hole you're in. You've had a lot to deal with in life, and it looks like you're used to doing it all on your own. Good for you for coming to this country, and doubly good for acquiring your green card!! Don't you see how courageous that is??? My goodness, girl. Don't let the cancer demon get you now!!

It is ok to lean on others, and it sounds to me like LEAN you must. Start with your doctors, and tell them honestly how you feel. It could be that you may have been depressed before bc, and then cancer has just made it worse. You sound as though you may need some good counceling and some medications to help. Don't be afraid to take them, either...they are NOT a sign of weakness. Many survivors have meds to get them through their days of depression, and come out on the other side just fine. No reason to think you won't.

Can you tell us a little of yourself? Are you still in treatment or done? What type of bc did you have? You might find someone here that can help if you knew these things, and let you know that you are ok to feel this way, but there is help in feeling better.

(((Hugs Fiona))) Know that we are here, and let us know how you are! I've got you tucked in my thoughts.

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

As soon as I gather my strength back, I am definitely thinking of getting involved
in my community.

Thank so much, you sound like such a sweet person.

F.C

jackiejhm's picture
jackiejhm
Posts: 169
Joined: Feb 2010

taken. You are completely valid in your feelings and emotions. As I am sure you have read all of the smart ladies who have responded to this thread before me, You are not alone. Yes, it feels that way. We are all dealing with that unthinkable thing that no one likes to talk about or deal with. It sucks! It sucks more than those cutesy t shirts can convey. But- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please- you have reached out to us, haven't you? Now, reach out to a professional. Your journey still lays ahead. Please know that you matter very much. This cancer dx does not define you! Please make the call- you are in my heart and prayers-xo, Jackie

m_azingrace
Posts: 399
Joined: Jul 2009

Our dear sisters here have posted words of encouragement, support and hope, along with suggestions for how Fiona can pull up her big girl panties and try to make a difference in her own life. This is a terrible disease, no one denies that. How we deal with it is another thing entirely. I don't expect anyone to help me if I'm not willing first to help myself.
Fiona, I will pray for you. It's the best help I can offer, since I don't know you or where you are. God Bless. Gracie

By the way, am I the only one to notice that the theme in this thread is very similar to one that was removed on 8/12 "Lonlier after each treatment" ?

sbmly53
Posts: 1459
Joined: Jan 2010

but....

Sue

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3295
Joined: Oct 2009

I will pray for you too Fiona.

Hugs, Debby

m_azingrace
Posts: 399
Joined: Jul 2009

The other thread "Lonlier after each treatment" was not removed. It was MOVED over to the EMOTIONAL SUPPORT discussion boards.

I hope Fiona will accept my apology. Gracie

sbmly53
Posts: 1459
Joined: Jan 2010

If any one of us were close, I'm sure we would be happy to meet or talk on the phone. Post your city. Private message your phone number.

I'm sorry for your sadness. All of us have suffered here and we are doing our best. We don't know everyone's background, but I can bet, some of us did not have an easy life - and now cancer.

Sue

survives
Posts: 255
Joined: Feb 2010

I missed that one. I really hope you're wrong. :-\

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

where do you live? Maybe one of us who lives close to you can help.

I agree, you sound like a strong woman to me to have endured so much and I can't see you just giving up. I don't believe you really want to. There is hope AND help. Tell your doctor as you might need help with the depression that is very common with cancer. Do you have a church group?

I will be praying for you and we're all here for you.

Sylvia

bjmom1's picture
bjmom1
Posts: 152
Joined: Jan 2010

You are depress I thought that I didn't need to get help. But I felt just like you the only different was I had family and friends and still felt lonely and felt like I didn't want to be here. Until I talk to another bc person and she told me I was depressed and I need to talk with my doctor and there was nothing wrong with getting help. Believe it or not it work I start feeling good about myself. Please go see someone it will make u feel better we all been through this and we are here for you maybe not in person but in sprited so you are not alone we understand and we truly care.

Big Cyber Hug

Barbara

New Flower
Posts: 3915
Joined: Aug 2009

I am glad that you posted here. I hope you feel support and encouragement everyone has offered to you. We all understand how difficult to go through cancer without any outside support. Cancer is a very lonely disease, I am sure every breast cancer survivor feels very lonely very often even around family and friends. Cancer treatment is very long & exhausting process which takes from 6 to 12 moths. When is done most of us felt happy and emotionally drained. I cannot imagine myself going through my 10 months of invasive treatments without family and friends. Fiona You are a very strong person and should be proud of yourself. You know that life is more than work now and you have a chance to change it. When you gain your energy back you will make changes addressing what your learn about life from your cancer journey. Please talk to your oncologist about your feeling. Anti-depressants is a standard way to address Chemo & Radiation side effects.
What state do you live? We have groups in every state. Meeting in person always bring a lot of positive emotions.
Good luck,
New Flower

KathyBlair
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2009

Dear F.C.
What can I do to help. I care about what you're going through and I can care about you if you let me. I had a lot of support from friends and family during some horrific cancer treatments. I can't imagine being alone through it. I'll send you my email address if you want. Let me know. Kathy

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

Your right most of us have felt like this. 14 years later I too look back at my life and wonder how one gets back to it when it looks like nothing I have worked hard for. I still have a relationship but that too has been a struggle for the past 14 years since my dx for cancer. Our life together has turned out like nothing we had hoped for.
Know that you are not alone and I am glad you came here because you are with people who have the capacity to truly understand. Life isn't easy and we are reminded of that constantly. I gave my life to my friends and very few are around to help me along the way, but the ones that are have carried me thus far and I am very grateful.
No most of our lives are left in shambles and it can take us the rest of our lives to feel like we actually have a life to live. I still struggle with survivor guilt after all these years and am truly seeing it now that I am starting to have friends die and get this horrid disease but life goes on and we are either IN it or OUT of it. I choose to living my life and find the things that I am so very grateful for and I hang onto them with my DEAR life and that seems to bring things into better percpective for me.
I am sorry you feel as you do but please read through posts and feel the help surrounding you because that is why most of us are here to help ourselves and to maybe help someone else.

Hang in there Fiona because life is Worth Living...
Tara

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8220
Joined: Aug 2009

Please let us know .. as we are all worried and concerned for you.

Vicki

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

Hoping that Fiona is doing better. I have to agree with some that counseling would help. I hope that you look into that.

Hugs, Angie

MAJW
Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

No, nothing about cancer is "honky dory".....Even WITHOUT cancer some people's lives are not honky dory! What I have learned through this terrible "journey" with breast cancer is this...You can have the BEST surgeon, the BEST oncologist, the BEST radiation oncologist, the BEST treatment, the BEST family, the BEST supportive friends,the BEST prognosis etc.............BUT.........and there is the perverbial BUT......there's only one person that can make you whole, mentally again and that is YOU! I dare say there's very few of us who have not had more than one "pity party" for ourselves and that is so NORMAL.....family, friends, etc are so very important in waging our battle but in the end it is ourself and only ourself that can bring us back from the brink....That means, if we need therapy, anti-depressents, silence, solitude, what ever it takes.......it is only yourself that can make these things work... I have put things into prospective the last 16b months.......My "mantra" is this......There is ALWAYS going to be someone better off than you and ALWAYS someone worse off....no matter what your station in life is......example: I watch my female friends going about their daily routine without the worry of having to deal with breast cancer,(even though some have had a pretty crappy life) they are happy and cannot comprehend what I have been through, hard as they try...I envy that "freedom"........THEN......There's my best friend of 25 years........I am watching her die, slowly, of the worst form of brain cancer there is..(not related to bc in anyway)...She has been fighting this for almost two years....she's lived one year beyond what was expected with her form of brain cancer. She is living each day with the attitude, "I am going to beat this," even though she isn't going to.......she can barely walk, has lost the use of her left arm and now her speech is starting to go....she has two children........SO IS SHE WORSE OFF THAN ME??? YOU BET CHA! I promise you she'd trade places with me and my "breast cancer" any day! That puts things in perfect perspective for me.....Watching her go through this, does not allow me to feel sorry for myself......
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but again I say, you have to do this for yourself...no one else can do this for you.......but there is help, if you open yourself up to it.....there's the past and there is the PRESENT........That's why they call today the "PRESENT".........it's a gift......take advantage of today........

I wish you the very best......
And I wish you peace

cahjah75's picture
cahjah75
Posts: 2623
Joined: Jun 2010

you took these words of encouragement to heart. We may not have physically walked in your shoes but our lives have not been cherry pie either. Depression is very common during treatment for bc. I was dx clinically depressed 10 years ago just going through menopause. I grew up with an abusive father and have been going to therapy on and off. I do have 2 sisters who have been dx with bc before me. Yes, I can talk with them but MY experience is still my own! Please let us know that tomorrow is a better day........
Sending cyber {{hugs}},
Char

cookie97's picture
cookie97
Posts: 200
Joined: Jul 2010

Fionac, Please take the advice from all the wonderful women on this board. You are right, that we can not konw exactly what you personally have experienced or are experiencing now. However do know that we feel your pain!
Just for today try finding your favorite song in the whole world crank it up to incredible decibles, cry, dance get really loud. Throw yourself one of heck of a party for the day. It always seems to take my mind off of things for just a little while until I can think more rationally.
Remember that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain!
(This is one of my favorite quotes and I don't know who wrote it.)

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts,
Edie

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

You have gotten a lot of great advice from others here.

Let me add that I will pray for you also!

Betsy13
Posts: 186
Joined: May 2010

I have had 2 bad days in a row. It happens. Life happens. CANCER happens. Get help. Get individual therapy. Get on anti-depressants.

YOU need to find your reason for living. No one else can do it for you.

I am on an anti-depressant and in individual therapy. During my treatment and recovery I have learned that no one is there. It is very depressing. I am getting help so that I can enjoy life again. It will definately be a "new normal" which I am STILL waiting for. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and have a good cry. Then take a nap.

Then make a choice. Choose to be happy or not. YOU are in control of your life. If you don't like it, change it. I am...

You're right...it's not all honkey dory in cancer land.

Kat11's picture
Kat11
Posts: 1931
Joined: May 2009

Just want to welcome you to the boards. I also am Her2 pos stage 3. I was DX april 15th 2009. I did the whole package deal. Let's face it, Cancer is a b----. You are 2 years out already. I am glad you found us. You are not alone anymore. There is so many of us here to listen and help if we can. We all have had bad moments, from time to time. Just hang in there with us.

FionaC
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

I didn't wnat to start any drama = (

I have so much that I want to live for. Now you all know my past, and for a moment I was so scared that that was it for me. Especially after I lost my mom last year. And I didn't even getto see her. We didn't have the best of relationships but she was my mom never the less. And
I guess it hit a little too close to home.
I didn't mean to unload on you guys like but it just came spilling out, since I don't have anyone
close that I can talk to. I would take it back if I could. My apologies and if I post anymore
I promise I will be very careful.

F.C

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4505
Joined: Aug 2009

Fiona i sent you a PM

New Flower
Posts: 3915
Joined: Aug 2009

I am glad that you posted. I was worrying about you. Please stay in connected. We are a good group of very caring individuals and love seeing every survivor feel happy and positive about future. I am sure there many sisters who will benefit from your expedience and wisdom.

Hugs,
New flower

jo jo's picture
jo jo
Posts: 1175
Joined: Jun 2010

Fiona
Im so glad you have a different outlook now and that you were just venting from sleep deprevation but dont apoligize for having a bad time or low spot in your life cuz we all have them...although i have to admit i was pretty worried about you.

Betsy13
Posts: 186
Joined: May 2010

Obviously, you needed to unload and this is the safe place to do that. I know how you feel. I was suicidal not too long ago. I went to my doc and got on anti-depressants. Cancer is a depressing thing. Especially when you feel all alone.

This is the place where I don't feel so alone anymore...

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