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JUST A RELIGIOUS JOKE MY DAD SENT ME TODAY IT MADE ME SMILE SO I DECIDED TO SHARE

RE's picture
RE
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This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES.....

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
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I Love it.

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
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That was the best joke I've read in a long time :-)

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Hondo
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We all need to remember that at times in our daily lives, Thanks RE I loved the ending

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PhillieG
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Irish Confessional:
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

RE's picture
RE
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Oh Phil you made me laugh out loud that was quite funny I am going to send it to my dad who will get a big kick out of it. He went to Catholic schools in San Francisco and still jokes about the nuns with the rulers. Thanks again for the laugh!

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
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My husband is half Irish and grew up Catholic. He'll like this one.

RE: My husband talks about the nuns and rulers also. How funny!

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
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Marcia, us kids didn't make up the ruler stuff, it was true!!!
;-)

RE's picture
RE
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Hey there Phil I sent your joke on to my daddy and here is his response:

"..I like your Irish joke....Probably very true.........

love U,

dad"

I knew he would like it thanks for helping me put a smile on my 79 year old dad's face, he is a tough rare breed that I love a ton and am quite proud to call my dad.

RE

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PhillieG
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Glad he liked it. I did 8 years at a catholic school. The stories about the nuns were true! I saw many a hand get cracked with the metal edge of the ruler and a few heads get smashed into blackboards.
They actually had us put on a minstrel show in the 3rd grade. I had to walk home in black-face. I wish I had photos of it, people find it hard to believe. This was back in 1965

katenorwood
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Hello !
I'm a fair share Irish and was raised romen catholic....and this absolutely tickled my funny bone to the hilt ! Thank you !

bberry
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hahahha thats great! this a is def a keeper! (:

RE's picture
RE
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DISCLAIMER: This one is so bad you are gonna groan but it made me smile so here goes....

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
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Love it RE!
-p

katenorwood
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Hello !
Know this is an old post...but had to say it was excellant ! Need laughter !

Karen9182
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Great to pass on to all our loving geeks out there!

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PhillieG
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
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Love it ;-)

RE's picture
RE
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Very cute joke, sounds like a couple of the little ones who live with me.

RE

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Balentine
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I love it. thanks for sharing.
Lorrie

sea60's picture
sea60
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I will share this with others.

Blessings!

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VickiSam
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oh how true!

Vicki Sam

katenorwood
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Love it !

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
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Pretty clever Steve Martin Video about religious hymns.
I hope you all can enjoy it for what it's worth...

RE's picture
RE
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Oh that Steve Martin is an interesting man. I've always seen him as someone who has a mind akin to Robin Williams, they are both of quick mind and wit. Thank you for sharing Phil!

RE

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PhillieG
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I can see a similarity with Robin Williams but I think Williams is more rapid fire and a bit off the wall. I know that Johnathan Winters was a big influence on Robin Williams.

I read Steve Martin's bio "Born Standing Up" that was pretty interesting. He's (another) one of those shy people who has a very comic side but he's not always "on". I also have found him to be more of a thinking person's comic compared to someone like Larry the Cable Guy. Martin has also played a father in a lot of movies (Father of the Bride, Parenthood, Cheaper by the Dozen) yet he has no children. I find that interesting. One of his first comic gigs was as a writer for The Smothers Brother's Show in the 60's. He's also a hell of a great banjo player.

If you want to see something very funny, Google "The Great Flydini" and check out the video. VERY funny skit he did on Carson years ago...

Glad you enjoyed it RE. I hope you had a Merry Christmas and that you have a very Happy and Healthy New Year
-phil

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
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Would atheists be upset over this? I wasn't clear where they were singing this. So even tho I thought it was amusing, not sure everyone would.

I think Steve Martin got parent parts because he looks the part. Actors after all aren't the people they play. Personal lives are pretty complicated.

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soccerfreaks
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Love your artwork, marcia! The innocence, the rawness, actually strengthens it, not to try to analyze what is clearly a lot of fun for you...and me.

Take care,

Joe

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
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The only part I drew tho was the stick me. The colorful parts were added from the Pacasa site.

I like fun. My kids are grown so it's time for my second childhood.

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
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Amusing, phil. Amazing about the internet, how through our connectivity with one another we are able to be provided these little gems. Thanks for this one.

Take care,

Joe

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stayingcalm
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The video is great, posted it on FaceBook :-)

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stayingcalm
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Love the dénouement!

(Edit, should have read the whole thread first - I meant your opening joke, but they're all funny, everybody's is!=))

kelli.preston
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Unique and Creative collection of Hindi jokes which gives strength to your words.Shayri is a unique poetis language to express yourself,Shayri ko hi dil ki kalam aur mohabbat ki ink kehte hain.

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
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An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

RE's picture
RE
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HAHAHA that's a good one Joe, my dad would get a kick out of that one for sure! Thanks for the laugh!

RE

katenorwood
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Again, I know an old post...but had alot of fun with this one ! Made me laugh that I cried.

RE's picture
RE
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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the Boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves you!

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
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Thank you for the laugh out loud joke, absolutely loved it!!!

sue5749
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I AM TRYING TO DOWNLOAD IT TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE SO I CAN SHARE IT, BUT HAVING TROUBLE TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT

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pinkkari09
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This is awesome! I hope you don't mind if I share it.

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