Cancer Survivors Network

First of all, bravery isn't the lack of fear, it's moving forward in spite of the fear! Secondly, I think you have to grieve the loss of your hair and it's normal. I never wore a wig. I tried some on but I hated how they felt. I tried wearing hats and scarves but didn't like that either. Eventually I did what was comfortable for me and just went bald. (I would wear a hat outside if it was cold.) I bought lots of cute, big earrings as one way to help me feel feminine. I understand how you feel about cancer taking away your femininity, and I hope it helps to tell you it gets better.

One day at a time to answer your question. It's tough, you think you are prepared because you KNOW you're going to lose your hair, but then it actually does happen.(Even after you had that small glimmer of hope that it wouldn't!)Unfortunately there's nothing we can do except accept it and make the best of it. After my strands starting falling out,it wasn't long before the clumps came. Then your scalp becomes sore & you know it's time to "do the deed". I didn't shave it bald, just buzzed it down and occasionally run a lint roller over it to pick up the rest. Now I have little bald spots all over my head.(My kids love "rolling my head") Wearing wigs can be a pain in the rear,true,I only wear mine in public. I wear a turban around the house & to sleep in. Who did you order your wig from?(We'll know who NOT to order from!) I'd call or write a letter and ask for the $ back. If not,you can always donate it. The ACS accepted my return.I exchanged it for a hat and was refunded the rest. You can still go to their office for a free one & you KNOW what you are getting. You truly do have alot to be greatful for like you said. You are a beautiful woman with or without hair and your self-confidence comes from within! You are not about being polished,tanned,or what your hair looks like. My family & I have made humor out of this by them drawing faces on the back of my head,targets,etc...they like to try on my hats,turbans,scarves, and throughout it all they tell me I am still pretty(& sexy)! That's excellent about the Chemo! And you ARE brave! Look what you are going through! You're a fighter! You CAN do this! Remember-it's only temporary and you can look forward to the surprise of how it comes back in!
Hugz,
Cathy

I don't even know where to start! You are fabulous. How those of you with young children at home manage is beyond me!

The fact that you can find humor and joy with your children over your hair loss is such a great thing.

Your positive attitude will get you through in the end, but it doesn't mean that you can't feel sad or afraid or just plain pissed off because nobody deserves to go through this.

I've been through surgery, chemo and am doing radiation now and I think next to the diagnosis, losing my hair was without question the hardest thing. When it really started falling out I started wearing scarves to keep it from getting everywhere. If you decide not to wear a wig, you could try some colorful or silky scarves that might add a little feminine side to things.

I was completely opposed to shaving my head and had planned to just let it fall out. After spending six days crying my eyes out and mourning every hair that fell out, I finally gave in and let my husband use clippers on it. We left it about an inch long and there was a bit that never did fall out. I did feel relieved once it was gone, sad but glad it was over. I got a wig too but I've never worn it. It didn't look like me. I decided I like scarves and have stuck with that the whole time.

You're being very strong to try to keep your focus moving in a positive direction. You did a great thing getting through your first chemo!! Hang on to that confidence. You can and will beat this whole thing. I know it doesn't seem like it. I know I didn't believe it when I was where you are, but one day this will be behind you. Hang in there!

This site is really such a God send. I can jot down any feeling I have and come away with your replies with such a better outlook! I have tears in my eyes that there are such very caring and genuine people here. And, Dawne, I actually did go to a wig place but they only tried two wigs on me... and they were very expensive! I didn't come away happy so I decided to go the cheaper route and bought one online. The site is www.headcovers.com. I don't mind smashing them as I feel they take big advantage of people in our position. You have to figure that their clients are a good 90% cancer patients. How dare they! If they come through, I will be sure to post it, but I doubt they will. I will take it one day at a time and see what I decide to do with cutting or shaving it, but dang... it sure is scary! If only we could all look as sexy as "Pitt", we'd have nothing to worry about :)

Marlene, I know where you're coming from. I have recently finished my chemo and can honestly say the hardest part, so far, for me was losing my hair. It's kind of amazing that we're so attached to our hair, but it is a big part of us. I finally just had it buzzed by my hairdresser. I won't lie to you, I sat in her chair and boo-hoo'd through the entire process. It was very hard for me. That was around 2 months ago and just like anything else, you get used to it. It's actually very liberating too. I never bought a wig because I just didn't like them on me. I guess I'm not a wig person. I bought some very nice headwraps, they are called beau-beau's, and I ordered them through 4women.com. You may want to check them out. I wear one of these to work everyday and usually ball caps on the weekend. Best of luck to you!

Losing my hair was also very difficult for me. My husband shaved my head for me and I bawled the whole time. (He won't admit it, but I think he was in tears too)

You get through it, like with everything else....with time. I didn't leave the house for a week after I shaved my head. My first outing was to church. After I made that first step outside, the rest seemed so much easier. Your kids and family will keep you laughing and before you know it, this too will be behind you.

It sucks, we know!

The hair coming out is the worst part, I think. For me it was. But, once it's shaved, it gets to be better than pulling at it all the time. I hate wearing wigs too and have ordered a couple I need to return. It is a rough time. I was a vanity person, too. Now, thats kind of out the window for the time being. Hope you get through ok. I also feel little side effects, I hope that continues for us. Thats a plus.

Losing your hair is HARD, no matter how prepared you think you are. When I was first diagnosed I was sure that losing my hair would be nothing. After all, whats a bit of hair compared to saving your life, right? Wrong. It's something, all right. It's cancer and now you look in the mirror and can see something you have tangibly lost. No way to sugar coat it, it represents our experience and it's not fair. What also bugs me is this relentless expectation by others (and even ourselves) that we must remain positive and cheerful at all times. This is abusive to our true selves. Yes, we can be positive while going through cancer treatment. But we are not one-dimentional cut-outs or greeting cards. We will also be depressed, angry, sad, ungrateful, combative, silly, joyful, hopeful, hopeless, and pissed off. Denying those feelings doesn't make them go away, it only makes you feel guilty and as though you have somehow failed. I call it the tyranny of positivity. You can truly be hopeful and positive only after you've accepted and processed the other understandable and human feelings.

You are being so hard on yourself, and I understand that b/c I'm like that, too. You didn't "make a bum deal" for the wig. You thought you would save some money and get something appropriate. What's so wrong with that? If you have the energy, write or call them just to let them know how wrong they are. You might not get the re-stocking fee back, but it might make you feel better and more in control. This disease is notorious for making us feel out of control and powerless.

There's this Buddhist saying that I really like (though I am not a Buddhist), "maintain an attitude of unconditional friendliness toward yourself." Let your feelings be without judgment. Now, go sink into a nice hot bath or plan a big salon day for when it's all over. Hugs.

Mimi

Aren't we just the most amazing group of women anywhere????? To be able to vent, cry, (scream?) celebrate, feel foolish, brave, or uncertain, each of us is always in good company!

And because we absolutely "get it", these boards are such a safe place to land...

There is not much I can add to what your sisters here on the boards have said to you. Just know that for most of us, perfect heads or not, losing our hair has been the final blow in our diagnosis. It is a symbol of our femininity, and not having hair is such an outward sign to the universe that we are fighting cancer! On those days that we want to hide and blend into society even at the supermarket, we seem to stand out and glow with a beacon spelling CHEMO-CHEMO!!!

It usually doesn't help to know that it's "just hair" and that it will grow back...sheesh! What idiotic statment that is! LOL

Gain strengh and empathy from your sisters here~ most of us have been through it and are none the worse for wear! And even though my eyebrows didn't come in as nice as pre-chemo, I did get a moustache instead! So, I pencil in some brows, and wax my upper lip! sigh.... It's always something, isn't it???? LOL

Hugs,
Chen♥

i'm having second chemo tomorrow and like you, i came through the first really well, am hoping the tomorrow's treatment goes the same. my hair had also started coming out the last few days, i had agreed with my husband to let him shave it when it started, but, now, seem to want to keep it as long as i can....i have bought a wig, but it seems like no one really wants to wear one, i also have baseball caps and scarves, now---just have to get brave for the shearing...
lizziejane

Marlene,

I don't think I can add much more to what has been already said here. My comment was going to be to take it one day at a time (but someone else beat me to it).

I didn't need to have chemo but I did go through preparing for it (mentally) before my surgery since my surgeon told me chemo was going to be the next step (I ended up with radiation instead). I tried to have fun with it and got prepared by reading as much as I could about chemo and the different head coverings that are available. I really liked the things in the TLC catalog - very cute and not very expensive.

If you haven't gone yet, please try to go to a ACS Look Good, Feel Better class. I went to this and it was great to be there with a bunch of other woman going through cancer and dealing with skin and/or hair changes. I took my daughter with me and I think it helped her to see other women having some fun even though they had cancer.

Good luck and keep posting here. This is a wonderful site for support.

Marlene,
I remember when I started, my hair was very long so my middle sister came over and cut it about shoulder length (like my wig was), then as things progressed by oldest sister came over with a bottle of wine and she, my daughter, my husband and I sat out in the back yard and shaved my head. That gave me a little since of power because it was my choice and I didn't have to see it a little at a time. Kind of empowering. I remember the first day I went into work with my wig I was so nervous, but people who didn't know (and not everyone did) had no idea and I got so many compliments on my new hair style. Hang in there and try to grab onto the things you can have some control over be they few and far between, it's a long battle but you will make it through. The American Cancer Society also has a program where they will reimburse up to $75.00 towards your wig, maybe you just need to find another one. I know in Sacramento there is a great wig store, just shop around you'll find something your happy with, I would highly recommend going to a store where you can try them on and not try to order one from a catalog. Best of luck and keep us posted.
P.S. your family is beautiful.
Keri

I remember the moment when it started I was in the hospital with febrile neutropenia, the housekeeper was horrified by all the hair everywhere. I think losing my hair was the most difficult part of this journey.....I do not have any words of wisdom just know you are not alone and that I think we all have some silly or crazy or maddening story about the WIG or lack thereof.......I hated it, it was so cancerish. But yet I thought I had to have one and that I would not be able to bare myself bald...........Behold, my oncologist told me to find something beautiful and focus on that, I thought he was crazy and then.......I looked in the mirror and fell in love with my smile and focused on that and not my glistening bald head. I always wore earrings, lipstick and nail polish, keeping my femininity alive...........I wore the wig to comfort other people but always felt like cancer in it!!!Just know your hair will come back. The growth starts about 4-6 weeks after your last chemo treatment..........................

It just never ceases to amaze me all the wonderful replies that are posted. Whenever I feel like I need just simply someone to 'understand' what I'm going through, here you all are! THANK YOU ~ THANK YOU ~ THANK YOU!!

Well, I couldn't bare another day with strands of hair falling out. This morning I showered and pulled a big blob of hair out. Oh, I cried... I bawled like a baby! But a good friend of mine came over and we went to a local wig salon. The woman there was very understanding and said she would try every wig on in her salon if she had to until I found one that I felt good in. I finally found it and I'm very happy with it. The kids liked it too. I'm posting a pic on my expressions. I also had them buzz my hair. I didn't quite buzz it ALL off, and left just a bit of peach fuzz on top. I know it's all gonna go, but thought it would be a little less devastating if I left a tiny bit and the tiny pieces won't feel nearly as horrible falling out as the giant clumps did. And if I am so inclined, I may decide to buzz it all off. So I feel soooo much better and coming here to see all these posts from all your WONDERFUL ladies has just topped my day off! On a good note, I haven't felt my legs feel so smooth in as long as I can remember, and I don't have to worry about those ungodly hairs that grow above my lip or on my chin! Woo Hoo... there IS a good side to this!

And Mimi I did mouth off to the company, but they feel like they already offer a huge discount on their site for chemo patients and that if they didn't charge a restocking fee, they would take a major loss???? HUH? Oh well...a lesson learned! I'm still returning it and getting something a little cheaper and more trendy. Hopefully I'll like it, if not, either way I'm out the $$.

With love & gradtitude, Mar

Talk about caressing my ego! Thank you so very much, beautiful ladies~ this really means a LOT to me and as we ALL know, it's something that helps us day to day! If we can't enjoy life (even through these trying moments), why keep living? I had one of the most awful mornings of my life yesterday morning, but I managed to turn it around. Ok, and I will admit, after an entire day of wearing the wig, I will most definitely be wearing some scarves & hats, but it's all good... really!

And now, just minutes ago, my ex-husband of nearly 4 years (we were married for 16) just asked me to be his friend on Facebook. Woo Hoo! Must be the great new wig, lol! I actually asked for the divorce but I always wanted to remain friends. He was always too bitter. Even if it takes this 'setback' to make it happen, at least it gives reason! It seems there is ALWAYS good to look forward to even when this disease tries to take the best of us. Stand up and look the beast in the face and take charge! It feels GREAT when we come out ahead.

I love all my new found buddies and I thank you all with all my heart for being here! I am such a lucky lady! Mar

wow you ladies are amazing I have not started chemo yet and thought I was prepared for the sickness/hair loss etc but the closer I get to it the more anxiety I get :( thanks Ladies I will be here more often!!! xoxoxo

Marlene
Your are a head of me in this journey. Won't be starting Chemo until the week of the 16th. My husband has told me the outer stuff doesn't make you feminine or sexually attractive. It's something intangible that comes from within that women just naturally seem to have.

I know that to the outside world and especially family we need to appear positive but be realistic with your self. This is a scary time in our life and we are going to run the whole gambit of emotions. And everyone of those emotions we feel are justified. Thank God we have this forum that we can let our emotions run rampant and we will be understood.

Here is my favortie quote. I don't blame this on God but the devil.
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Love and prayers being sent to you
Vicki

it will grow back

it will grow back