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One of Those Overwhelming Days - Time to Shutdown, Sigh

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Ever have one of those days in the 'cancer experience' when one little thing happens that you have to attend to and all of a sudden it's like a house of cards - this one last card you have to deal with brings it all crashing down? Yesterday was like that for me. I had just found out the day before that I had to do some extensive testing at home for YET ANOTHER new freakin symptom and after that it seemed I couldn't take one more thing that I needed to do, small things really - daily routine thingies - but all of a sudden they all seemed insurmountable. Ever have that happen? Overwhelmed, I guess, but sometimes I wonder if I will get into this major 'funk' and just stay there. Know what I mean? It has only happened once before and that was 3 years ago so not going to sound any alarms yet but sure don't like the way it feels. My solution is to simply shut everything down, take time to rest and if I can manage to do something entirely fun and frivolous like a little craft or something (not a crafty person) maybe it will help to take my mind off everything else. Hate to sound like a moaner but I think we all can get here very easily if we have too much on our plate with all this medical cwappola. lol. Anyone else ever feel this way?

ColleenN's picture
ColleenN
Posts: 73
Joined: Aug 2008

And sometimes it's the most stupid little thing that sets it off? I had one of those two days ago. Hang in there and take care.

Colleen

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Guess when things are so stacked up one little feather can topple the whole pile. Thanks for sharing and validating.

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

I know what you are talking about, it's happened to me before. When I am okay, I see the whole thing as a little ridiculous how a very small thing makes the house of cards fall. When it is happening is doesn't seem silly at all.

Many times it happens when I am supposed to go for more tests. The little things become big, difficult to handle things. I think there are times when we actually feel we cannot take anything else, even if it is a small thing. I guess stuff having to do with tests, treatment, etc. upsets us even if we do not notice it right away, it is something that is occupying our minds so anything else seems overwhelming.

When I notice that I am getting upset at small things, feeling I cannot handle simple stuff, etc. I start thinking about what could be worrying me. It usually is something having to do with medical tests for me or one of my kids. I do breathing exercises to help me relax and knowing what is causing the "stress" helps me.

Your solution is good too, taking time to rest and time for yourself helps a lot. Whatever you can do that can keep your mind distracted and busy with something else is good. I do jigsaw puzzles, mend or saw things (I barely know how to saw), any crafty thing as long as it keeps my mind busy.

NO, you are not a moaner and do not sound like one. It can happen to any of us at any time. Even if we manage to have a life after cancer, just the mention of medical tests, symptoms, etc. is enough to alter our tranquility, our routine, our peace.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Yup it was the mention that I did need some medical testing in a completely different area for me too, oh great - what's left that they haven't poked, prodded or snipped? Just the thought of yet another specialist and possibly more medical woes started it off then small stuff just couldn't be handled. The thing that really gets me with all this new anxiety though is that I don't feel it coming at all. All of a sudden I am just in it. I am sure there are warnings but I just don't seem to see them til it's like YIKES. That's what bothers me, how sudden it is just there. Know what I mean? Thanks for your input as well, sure wonderful to know I am not alone in this.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Hi Everyone. I think we could all write a book on dealing with depression and the last brick that makes the house fall in. In the normal world someone will say "move on". Everytime I hear that phrase I want to knock the person out who is saying it. Tell my saliva glands, taste buds, 1/2 sinus and dead facial nerves to move on. Or my meningioma brain tumor or neck that has fallen apart and causes constant pain. Along with my ruptured lower disc and torn knee legimate. The reality is many of us never get a break or a minute in the day without feeling some symptom or side effect. And any added problem is a reason for feeling like crap as we are already dealing with so much. Its so frustrating when we want to get just one thing fixed and off the table so the pile is not so high. And I have to keep all my problems seperated and not think of them together as its just too much at this point. I guess a good day for me is measured in seconds when something takes my mind off all my problems. Or those times when we can come on here and help someone that is just starting out their changed life during or after cancer. I guess its a pretty good measure of the human spirit when the people listed on this page who are going through so much, reach out and help others. Its actually quite amazing. So I guess we better find something good in our lives and get back to work helping those that are here searching for answers. Your all great people with so much experience be it bad or good and you have so much to offer those looking for answers. I pray God gives you that needed boost to get back on your feet and put a smile on your face. Slickwilly

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Thank you Slickwilly, well put. For me though it isn't about depression but more of an anxiety situation of late. After dealing with all the issues surrounding my initial diagnosis 20 years ago, I just get a tad tired of it all as issues come and go and come again, round and round.

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

I kind of know how that goes because I received my pap test results (took 16 days) and was abit shaken by the results. I was like a whirling dervish for a few days looking up stuff on the internet. Abnormal cells, not cancer. At least not yet. I don't even have a cervix. I had ovarian cancer, afterall, not cervical cancer. A lady at work told me I hadn't smiled in 2 days. Then I realized how much that stupid test result (which probably means nothing) affected me. All this time I've tried to have a good atitude and "go with the flow, rock with the tides, keep my chin up, you know, whatever happens, happens." Well, I'm back to doing that again. Just a temporary setback. Whatever.....

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Hi Dreamdove. I hope something this weekend will get a smile back on your face. Its hard not to get down with tests. And it always seems to take months to get things settled and our life back in order. It seems like everyone was having a tough day today. While I am typing this I am talking to a breast cancer survivor who has a daughter with cancer. She is a close friend and the best I can do is tell her I love her and hope tomorrow is better than today. I also found out today that a neighbor has tumors all over the place. She went in for a simple exam and they found a lemon size tumor that appears to be ovarian cancer. Then they found tumors in her lungs and bones. She is heading to Chicago on Sunday to a cancer treatment center. So I guess I will suck up this bad day and remember it could be much worse. Sometimes I have to be reminded of that. So I will pet my dog, tell my daughter I love her and have a bowl of chili that I made this afternoon. Geezzz am I a good cook. Lucky for that as I can't do much else ha ha. Take care Slickwilly

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

I put the stupid test in perspective. There are so many people worse off than me on this website. Here I am in remission and I let the abnormal cells found in a pap test get me down. Last Dec. I had a bowell obstruction and thought the cancer had returned. Well, I'm still here. I like this website and recently told someone with breast cancer about it because you get so much support, info, and encouragement from other members. Thank you.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Glad to hear you bounced back from the 'stupid test' and that you are smiling again BUT don't get yourself into that 'there are so many people worse off than me' thingy because it's all so relative as to what brings us down, at any given moment. It isn't trivial and just because someone 'seemingly' is worse off than ourselves one little thing for us can tip the scale so don't be worried about getting whatever it is off your chest, this is the site for it as you have found. All the small little things, if bottled up, can KABOOM on us so if you are worried let it out here, we all understand. By the way, no test after you have had a cancer diagnosis is a 'small test', you were perfectly within the norm to be concerned about it. The trick is to mull it over, research if you must, then get on with things and not get stuck in that 'mulling' too long. At least that is what I try to do, sometimes more successfully than others. Take care.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Temporary setbacks - a memory of a part of the treatment, a reminder through a late effect, a new specialist, a rainy day - could be anything that sets one back on their arse at times in the cancer experience. Temporary setbacks seem to come in all shapes and sizes, some big, others not so much, they too shall pass. It just, at times gets a tad tedious. I'm a survivor, as the song says, the sun will come out - tomorrow, um well maybe the day after, lol.

larry59
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2008

I know the blues feeling too, counseling helps, and I've found it amazing and overwhelming how much other people want to help in any way they can. All you have to do is let them know what is going on. People really are wonderful if given a chance.
Cancer is such a stupid 'simple' disease, cells just start acting in ways they are not supposed to do. Someday researchers will find a cure, probably genetics related. And reduce cancer of any kind to the history books like they did for polio and other illnesses.
Anyway, hang in there. I try to keep the 'don't worry, be happy' song in mind whenever the sad feelings start. Corny, but it works.
Larry59

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

When that song 'Don't Worry Be Happy' came out in the late 80ties it took til the 90ties to get it out of my head. Thank you for bringing it back, lol. Well now I have something else to focus on, GETTING THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD TODAY, sigh. lol.

Yup people are truly wonderful if you give them a chance, this site is terrific for support, unless they bring up Bobby McFerrin songs, lol. Just kidding. Have a good day.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

blueroses,

Whenever I reach the point of emotional overload, I usually drop everything and take a break, sometimes going to a movie or watching a ridiculous video at home, "Borat" being a personal favorite, because it is so void of any taste or decency. I'm sure you have an equally "guilty pleasure" in your home video library that would go down really well with a cold beer.

Love and Courage!

Rick

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hey Rick,

Yip that's what works best for me, drop everything, clear my calendar and get out the last 3 seasons of House. lol. Can't drink alcohol any longer but found a great Molson's non alcoholic beer that works for me. Having a little more trouble coming out of this downer this time but once I get some new tests they want me to do done maybe I will start to see the light again. That was weird. As I typed the thing about the light just now the sun came out. Hmmm. Everything for a reason? Anywho, thanks for your comments. God Bless

NoQuiSi
Posts: 106
Joined: Sep 2008

I really do...I know what you mean about those tests. Every time I have to have em, I also wonder what they might want to whittle off or out next. Don't push your feelings about it aside by thinking that there are so many others worse off than you...you're feelings are important and of course there are always others worse off. It doesn't make your situation any less important nor does it make it any less of a battle.

I was doing the same thing as you until I realized that cancer is just hard to deal with sometimes and we all have our own stories...each one just as difficult and important as the rest. I think we just have to sometimes find what eases our worries about it...what rests our spirits for a bit so that we can gather our strength again to keep fighting.

I don't have a particular magic formula or anything...I just wanted to let you know that along with the others who've responded, I too understand where you're coming from on this. I wanted you to know that you're never alone with how you're feeling about it, like the others have let you know.

I don't know if it's like this for you or not but for me it's like riding a tide...the funks sort of ebb and flow. Right when I think I'm pulling out of it, some weird little thing will pull me right down again. I try to focus on the next upswing...just treading water for a bit until I can pull out of it again.

I CAN offer you a cyber hug and also some prayers if that's ok with you. Keep focusing on that sun coming out like that...I don't believe in coincidences, I do think everything has a reason for being.

All my best thoughts and wishes for you,
~NoQuiSi~

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Thanks for the validation NoQuiSi. When I started this post heading that was the point I was trying to make, that people shouldn't feel as if they are 'whining' about their plight as opposed to others that 'have it worse', 'having it worse' is so relative and sometimes just a small thing gets us down as much as a bigger one sometimes does to someone else. It's all relative. That's why this site is so great, everyone gets that. The newer members in the 'cancer experience' often feel like they shouldn't be complaining as compared to other more 'difficult' cases but they need to know that it is all important to whoever is experiencing whatever in it all and it's okay here to say that. It's very empowering and validating. So often the doctors themselves say things like 'you should be happy to be alive' when you mention after effects and that is soooooooooooooooooooo not fair or validating - to put it mildly. More and more the docs are getting it though as they see more and more long term survivors so hopefully we will hear that less and less. If I run into a doctor who seems invalidating I always use the little bit of energy I have to 'fill him/her in' on validation so that the next patient in might not have to deal with the invalidation as I had to on that visit.

Thanks for your supportive words, well put.

NoQuiSi
Posts: 106
Joined: Sep 2008

I have a cousin who hadn't FAILED to continuously relate to me the story of how he was feeling bad about his situation with having a bad back. He then always went into the story of how he saw a man with no arms or legs and it humbled him into realizing he didn't have it so bad. Now, I understand the point of his story...I understood it all thirty or so times that he felt it necessary to mention it to me if he even THOUGHT I might be a little down about things that were happening to me concerning the cancer.

At first, I understood that his heart was probably in the right place and that he meant well but at about the tenth time, I realized it was something else. I felt like he was actually berating me and belittling me for allowing myself to have any feelings about the situation. THAT I didn't appreciate. He didn't understand at all. I tried to just ignore him pretty much when he'd start the story again...you know, the old 'grin and nod' while I thought of things to add to a shopping list for groceries or trying to remember if I'd fed my goldfish. This pretty much worked except for the last time. I decided it WAS the last time. Unfortunately, I no longer have contact with him.

I also understand what you mean about some docs attitudes and I think it's wonderful that you take the time and effort to try and make it just a little better for the next patient. Thank YOU for caring enough to do that. I'm certain there are quite a few patients who have you to thank for having a better relationship with their doctors and we both know that's so important in cancer care.

You're a special person, blue...

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I guess we have all encountered a 'cousin' like yours who does that over and over to prove the point that others are worse off and therefore don't allow us to vent our issues. However, if someone has never been truly sick like we have with cancer, and all it's side effects, they really have no idea what it is like so go with the same time old scenarios and sayings to relate almost automatically. They just don't know what else to say because they truly don't understand. I think its a good idea to educate them subtly but I really think that most of them simply have no idea what we live with and how it all affects us, not just the first diagnosis and treatments but how it affects us over time both physically and emotionally. It sure is irritating though, I know what you mean. Some may just be self involved too and just don't want to hear about anyone but themselves, especially with the same sick story they might hear from us, but I truly think that most just simply are ignorant of our issues or just don't know what to say to us anymore. Have a good day and thanks for the posting.

larry59
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2008

Know exactly how you feel, sometimes good, sometime like crap, and a lot of in between especially when you have to deal with dr. tests. Just hang in there. I already irritated someone by suggesting remembering the Bobby McFerrin song "be happy, don't worry'' Its a trite and contagious bit of music but it really does make you feel better it you just sit back, listen, and don't think of anything else. And please get on line to talk whenever. I think this site does wonders with communication. I could talk all night and day if I had the words I really wanted to say. But post your feelings asap. I myself will be home for a couple of weeks after surgery on friday so I can email/write/reply any old time. please write.
Larry59 (foley2007larry@mchsi.com)

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Larry, Thanks for the validation - especially this morning, haven't slept very well going back and forth with the prospects of more invasive tests. Starting to feel like a whiner here, you would think I would be used to this stuff after 20 years of testing but it seems like the more they want to do to me the more of a wuss I become, I think of it as a syndrome I think I made up that I call the 'beaten dog syndrome', you beat a dog or mistreat it enough and soon it runs at the sight of you or at the very least stays away and hides or bites even a hand that only wishes to pat or feed it. With people who have had extensive invasive treatments, for me anywho, I feel a kinship with that dog at times, like yesterday when even a kind and gentle doctor suggested two many more invasive tests. I feel like that this morning so validation was a good thing, thanks. One funny point about Bobby McFerrin, that was me that you were referring to as being 'irritated' by your suggestion of singing that song to lift my spirits and I wasn't irritated at all, I was just trying to be funny about it, thought it was hysterical. That's the problem with chat in writing or words sometimes, it's easy to take joking for being serious but that's not what I meant at all. The song does lift people's spirits. Anywho I wasn't irritated at all in fact it made me smile when I saw the suggestion of the song so thanks.

Thanks for the offer of emailing as well and I hope you see a quick recovery from your surgery. God Bless.

NoQuiSi
Posts: 106
Joined: Sep 2008

I did try to educate my cousin but he'd not have any of it...it seemed he was just intent on making me feel badly. The odd thing was that a lot of times, I hadn't even said anything about it at all, how I was feeling I mean. I don't think my behavior indicated anything to him...he just took it for granted I suppose but meh, the boy's got his own set of particular problems (if you know what I mean).

Larry59, I'm SOOOO very glad to see you here! I've been very worried about you.

Blessings to all,
~NoQuiSi~

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2048
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi..........what happened? I laughed and joked all the way through chemo, radiation, pic installation and all the rest of that nightmare (Hell I even tried to like my oncologist).......Now I have finished and am just on the tamoxofen I have suddenly dropped into a major pit, I have always been an 'up' person but I now find myself on effexor (not helping at all) and really in a very bad place. Why now? Any suggestions more than welcome....... 'don't worry, be happy'...aghhhhhhhhh I will never get that song out of my totally repetative brain.. I does work tho (a bit)

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Tasha,

When I first read your post I connected with what you were saying because in the beginning many are very hopeful and want to just get it all done so we put on a happy face and yuck it up with the chemo nurses etc and talk ourselves into the fact that we are doing totally fine, no problem. But the reality is, of course, it is a problem and it is a shock to the system so in essence, although being positive is totally the right way to go, sometimes it covers up our true emotions. Then the drugs hit and the side effects of those might well unmask the true emotions causing this pit you went into. Even if the drugs didn't have anything to do with the plunge you had, very often after a traumatic incidence takes place there is often a downwards drift in emotions. While you were having the treatments all you could do was focus on them and still were probably in shock from diagnosis so it was enough for you to handle but after it was all done then the true emotions rose to the surface. Actually my husband went through this exact thing. He was left with all the caregiver stuff when I got sick so he was running around taking care of business and no time to really think about it all. After I was on my road to 'recovery' he had a full blown nervous breakdown, after the fact it seemed but because things had slowed down in treatment etc he now had time to think and it all came tumbling out. So, for you I would totally think about going to see a good grief counsellor because of the loss of your health, they can be very effective - don't wait til you have a breakdown. If you feel more comfortable with your minister at church or a psychologist, fine, but grief counsellors are very helpful. Often when we have too many details to deal with in a shocking experience, either patient or caregiver, we put on a brave face for others and ourselves but later the true emotions emerge when all settles down. It's common. Laughing and joking around is a great medicine during treatment but it can get carried away and mask our true feelings about the experience if it's taken too far. At least these have been my experiences. Hope all goes better for you in the days and weeks to come. Don't rule out the side effects of your meds as well, talk to your oncologist/family doctor/pharmacist regarding the possiblity of mood altering meds you are ingesting. Think about the therapist, they can really help get you to a better place. God Bless

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2048
Joined: Oct 2008

I often read your postings on here and you usually make a lot of sense... But on this occasion I think you hit the nail right on the head. I will ask my GP tomorrow about some sort of councelling as I am rapidly digging myself into a deeper hole here. I guess the time has come to go off "Fly Past" and admit a problem. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Julia

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

The only reason I, like most on this site can, 'hit the nail right on the head' with our postings, from time to time, is because most of us have lived the issue we are talking about and then can in turn validate others who are at different stages in this cancer experience. If you go through experiences as traumatic, difficult and life changing as cancer then I feel we all owe it to others, to share and try and help them get through the experience as well. I went to a counsellor at several points throughout my cancer experience and they helped me get through the bumps. I don't know why some people feel strange or shy about seeking counselling, it's the wise thing to do when we find ourselves 'stuck' in one thing or another. I am a firm believer in, right after diagnosis, patients being funneled into counsellors to let patients know, from the get go, what to expect, not only physically but emotionally as well, throughout the process. If they were connected right off the bat then they would feel less awkward about touching base again with that counsellor should the need arise. After diagnosis I was just plugged into physical resources but nothing to help me deal with it all emotionally. All the best with it Tasha, you are a survivor - you can get through this stage as well. Let us know how you are doing. The site is here for you. If you get a chance to come into our chatroom here you will find great support and validation there as well. Hope to see you there.

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2048
Joined: Oct 2008

Thank you so much.... Julia X

sandybe
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2008

Tasha, your story sounds very familiar. I was the same way as you as far as joking around and being very up. I still am very up, but in a much different way. For some people I think they are happy when something is being done about the cancer and it is being treated. Once treatments are done the fear sets in of it returning. I know myself I felt safe as long as I was having the treatments, once the treatments were done it was back to the unknown part of life again.

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2048
Joined: Oct 2008

Exactly! Thanks Julia

nsquirrely
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2007

I truly understand the need to just shut down and mutate so to speak. It just all seems so overwhelming and there are days when yes it's one of those "WTF" days. That was one of the posting I found interesting. Someone else said they used to be an up person. I was so a glass half full person before all this crap happened. I tried to live each day to the fullest and be optimistic about things. I was one of those change what you can, accept what you can't and know the difference people. I am not real sure what happened to all that optimism. It just up and flew the coop. Perhaps it was the day I went to see the doctor feeling great and confident that all was well with the world only to be told that I had cancer. Somehow that was just the end of the glass half full. It certainly leaves you feeling totally lost and unable to find out where you went after that. That person who walked into the office just never walked out. I Thought I may have saw her a few times on the sidelines waiting but I must have been wrong. She just doesn't exist anymore so, therefore, I deserve to shut down when i feel like it and so do each and everyone of you who find that today is just too overwhelming and you just need a pass for the day. That doesn't mean a pass for life but just for today , it's okay. Happiness is a choice that we can all make but sometimes you just need a break from it all.

larry59
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2008

nsquirrey, please ease up on youself. Help is available in all forms, even faith in God, even though I am an agnostic heathen. No matter what you have researchers everywhere are working on cures and it could come any day. Keep the faith. And rely on folks here this is a good support site. Please write back.....Larry59

nsquirrely
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2007

Larry
Thank you for replying.
Wow, I didn't realize that it sounded that bad. I was truly just putting into words things I feel and need to find some sort of peace with in order to deal with it all. Perhaps I am more of a basketcase than even I realize(LOL). I would enjoy your take on other thoughts I have posted. I may really need to go for that therapy even I can't pay for it. I could add it to the list of other medical bills that are waiting in the hat saying pick me this month.
Hugs and Prayers
Shirley

JH32
Posts: 19
Joined: Nov 2008

Have you ever felt like you are floating above yourself at times and looking down on people talking to you about how sure they are you will be fine. They mean well, but they have no idea and I've come to the conclusion that they just don't know what else to say. I too was always upbeat and positive- and ironically just started going to church again after 25 years, when I was diagnosed. I have very down days, just last Friday, but can be fine the next. It doesn't make my situation any better but when I truly look around me at others there is always someone struggling with some physical problem that makes mine look like nothing. I try to remember the lighter days, watch comedies to make myself laugh and believe that time will get me back to normal...or at least close enough! After all these years of doing the 'manly' thing and holding back crying, I've found that it actually lets out a lot of the frustration and gets me back to feeling I can fight this thing faster. Hang in there because you have a lot of company.

sandybe
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2008

I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have cancer or be diagnosed with cancer unless it happens to you personally. This website is a great way for all of us to vent and have someone that truly understands how we feel and to know we are not alone. The second time my cancer came back I needed something to make me not have to think for awhile, I was definitely overloaded. I went to my doctor and his comment to me was "why is it any different this time?" I almost fell on the floor with that comment. Sometimes shutting down is the only way we can protect ourselves.

JH32
Posts: 19
Joined: Nov 2008

I would not put any emotion into what my/your doctor said. They are focused on their own particular day to day specialty and can't seem to look up at the overall picture. Mine is prostate cancer and all my surgeon can say is 'use it or lose it' like it is some kind of joke. Amazing that they can be around it every day and still not know how to deal with it. I have learned since my father died, my business partner went through a terrible cancer, and now mine that dancing around it is not the way to go. I appreciate, and hope I have become, the person that looks you in eye and talks directly about the issue. None of the 'you'll be fine' comments.

Know that we are all dealing with whether or not it comes back. Stay strong on most days and fight the thing. Shutting down on some days needs to happen, but overall lean on your own strength and push back- don't let a person (doctor) that treats your situation like another day at the office get to you. Remember that courage is not the lack of fear, but the ability to push past it.

JH32
Posts: 19
Joined: Nov 2008

nsquirrey,
If you have been upbeat most of your life, then good things have come to you. I try to keep that in mind as I deal with my cancer and not let the fact that it has happened to me cut off those feelings. This is a true test of your optimism and strength- we have all seen someone hit hard by life that can't get up. Be strong and get up when you are ready, gather your strength, put your hand on the ground, and push yourself up to face it again. Getting sad and down is to be expected with cancer. Getting back up just proves that you are strong, getting back up from a weak experience proves nothing- your buddies in the fight- Jim

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

All last week, I had been anticipating the removal of the accumulating leaves on my lawn, which I have been ignoring for too long. Friday afternoon, I came home from work only to discover them gone! One of my neighbors (and, I still don't know who?) raked them for me!

Sometimes, problems resolve themselves in the most unexpected ways.

Love and Courage!

Rick

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

borrow your neighbour Rick?

nsquirrely
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2007

Jim
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have found that posting my thoughts and feelings here has helped me to put a lot of things in perspective. Just writing back to someone who is having a bad day can change my atitude. A light bulb comes on and you realize that You've had those same feelings and the encouragement you give to another person helps you as well. I'm doing better not great but everything I've read and written here has given me a better view of things
Hugs and prayers
Shirley

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I started this discussion point back in October I think at a time when it was that overwhelming time for me that we have all discussed so often and from so many different angles. Climbed out of it with the help of the site and all of you and last week - KABOOM, back into it with the start of some lower back pain from HELL. Had no idea what the heck this was now, never felt anything like it in my life. Had to call an ambulance and off I went to the E.R. writhing in pain the whole way. Got there and started on morphine and after several tests and a CT oh joy of joy A FREAKIN KIDNEY STONE. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Just what I needed, another screwed up body part and yippee a new specialist to add to the list - a Urologist. The pain knocked me out for a couple of days on and off and it has gone a few days ago but I am just drained. Now the procedures are building up again, some still postponed from the last overwhelming grouping of them - colonoscopy, nail surgery, blah blah blah - tack on another procedure what the heck. So back into the world of overwhelmed, things have been at a total standstill since the stone reared it's ugly form. I am sleeping most of the day and dread the next docs trip, which is tomorrow, the Urologist - joy. Feeling faint at times when I try to do anything around the house, not sure why, just too much methinks. Not sure when I will be on next. Take care all, there have been some great postings, keep up the support, we all need it from time to time. Hugs all around.

P.S. FYI the ER doc told me that with lymphoma patients kidney stones are more common than in other groups, great. Sigh. He was going on about lymphoma patients not being able to process calcium in the same way or something but I was in so much pain I wasn't computing much other than in lymphoma patients it's more common to get the stones. Pencil in another after effect, anyone got a longer pad of paper? Sigh.

P.P.S. On the upside of this visit to the ER I have to say it was one of the better visits in I don't know how long. All went well from the fact that it was a weekend, usually not a good thing with all the eager young residents, to the ambulance drivers to the nurses. Even though I was in there for almost 8 hours things went smoothly which is pretty much a miracle since I overheard a doc say that there were no more beds left in the hospital at all, even ICU -all filled. He said that there were stretchers down every hall as well, sheeesh. I was lucky to get into the ER at all, if I had come by cab I would have been writhing on the floor in the waiting area no doubt but the ambulance got me straight in. Just a little aside.

larry59
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2008

I feel so lucky that today is a good day for me. Only one pain pill necessary. I truly wish that everyone here could have more good days.
Shirley, please keep up with optimisim as much as possible. There's a positive side to everything but sometimes you have to search deep for it.
And Cat, I know k stones are an extremely painful problem. Hope they fix yours quickly. Sometimes if you a very lucky they pass all by themselves, hope that's the case for you.
Any everyone else, I really wish there was some way to physically give hugs, pats on the back, offer an encouraging or comforting word. Guess this site is as close to that as we can come.
You folks are the best, hang in there, don't give up, and please let's stay in touch at least through this site. The chat room(s) are helpful too.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I am sooooooooo glad that today is a good one for you, we have to cherish those and try to remember them when we have a rocky day.

Thanks for your good wishes on my stupid kidney stone fiasco, since the problem started last week it seems my whole condition has changed - feel awful, pain has passed, but just generally feel so rotten. I wonder if the extreme pain changes you in some way, or maybe it's just the trauma of 'one more freakin thing'. Couldn't get to my specialist appointment today, can't seem to stay up for long til 2 in the afternoon - strange new developments since the stone. Odd. Anywho, this gives me a whole new take on the expression 'this too shall 'pass' ha, ha, ha. Take care Larry and hope tomorrow is just as good for you as today was. Hugs, Cat.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

You know I think the K stone did pass on it's own with no problem or in fact I think they may well have dissolved cause it's going to be almost 4 weeks soon since the attack and nada has happened so I think you were right, they are gone. Whew. The ER doc said that for lymphonma patients, like me, k stones can be more common. Did I really need to know that? lol. Anywho I am holding a good thought that the little suckers are gone for good. Yowza they smart. lol. All the best Larry, Cat

JH32
Posts: 19
Joined: Nov 2008

Shirley-
If there is one thing I'm grateful for in getting cancer it is that it has reinforced to me how good and kind people really are. All of the posts back and forth are so caring that it truly touches me. It feels like each of us wants to reach through the computer and just take away the others pain. Wish it could work like that.
Hugs and prayers back at you- Jim

nsquirrely
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2007

Jim
I can honestly say that last year during the worst part of this journey, when I was housebound, that having this site was a life saver for me emotionally. Being single and living alone is perhaps one of the hardest elements of surviving this disease. I had my family and friends to help and they were great but when I found myself feeling all alone and vulnerable it was this site that helped me thru it. The people in the the chat room were my saving grace. Now that the worst is over, so to speak, I'm finding that the discussion boards add yet another source of support. I've always been a homebody. My family which consists of my children and grandchildren plus the people I work with have been my contact with the outside world. I've always found it hard to go out into the world to meet others. I enjoy new people but putting myself in a new eviroment is difficult for me. I have had trouble over the years with anxiety and panic and even though I have conquered it to a degree it still lingers when it comes to putting myself in any new situation. I wasn't able to find any local support groups for cancer. It seems those types of groups are only in the city which is and was too far for me to travel. Like you there is a need to be able to reach out to the people I have meet here and only wish that was possible. It would be nice to have all of us in one big room for a big hug and lots of conversation.
Hugs and prayers
Shirley

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Dear Blue,
I just have to say that I have at least one of those days every month- between the 4 surgeries, the chemo, the metastases, the clinical trial, the endless CT's, blood work,"supportive family and friends" and fighting with the insurance company, hospital billing dept. , "busy doctors" and snippy 12 year old nurses, I have to "go away for a little while" either by reading a book, going for coffee or just taking a nice long nap. I believe it is a part of coping with this crappy situation; I didn't ask for it and I'm supposed to be strong for my family and friends, as they have always seen me that way and become very uncomfortable when I tell them just how bad some days are. All of you have helped me tremendously and there is no way my nearest and dearest can ever truly understand all that we have to deal with, but you do! That helps more than anything- I love all of you and thank you for pulling me out of the pit every time I read your posts and know that you care for me and all of the people in our position. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I think I can take one more straw-
Hollyberry

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

We all have needed help being pulled out of the hole, now and again, and you are so right, the people on this site really know how to do that, up close and personal, cause they have all been there. No one but another survivor truly knows how it really is for us from time to time and we are so fortunate to have a place like this to go to when we need help and understanding. You, through this post, have given me the ability to take one more straw as well Holly. Blessings to you and yours. blueroses.

larry59
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2008

One of the hardest parts of having cancer is the inability to describe to family, friends and other supporters how you feel on any given day. People are so kind and want to help but they just don't understand. It just makes you feel alone. That is why I have found this site so helpful and of course everyone here wants to support everyone else. All I can say is to hang in, hope for good days, and try to just get through the not-so-good days. I wish the very best for you and everyone else here dealing with health issues.
Wish I had a better way with words because that is all we have to use to help each other.
Love to all Larry 59

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

What choo talkin bout? lol. You have a great way with words, and besides, we survivors have our own way of saying things that only other survivors can truly understand. It doesn't take many words for us to be able to relate to each other, that's the beauty of it all on this site. Keep on keeping on Larry. Hugs, blueroses.

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Dear blueroses and Larry59, I'm havin' a great day! Know why? You guys took the time to make me feel understood, and that is all it took! Thanks so much!! I've been fighting this monster for over a year and it has gotten me down so low at times, but, all I need is to read your posts and know that you care. That makes all the difference in the world to me; My family and friends have been supportive, but, you know all the things that others can't ( emotionally, physically, psychologically) and that comforts me in a way that I cannot even express in words. All I can say is, Thank you, for taking the time to respond, for being so kind and supportive and for making this a very good day!!Love, Hollyberry

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