Turned 45 today

Eil4186
Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Okay, here I am again. Today is my birthday and I am 45 years old. I have been struggling with my emotions because I hate the idea of getting older but I feel grateful to be here to have another birthday. You see, ever since my diagnosis I have been very fearful of death. Birthdays remind me that another year of my life has passed (lightening fast as they all do lately) and aging now serves as a reminder that I am getting closer to death. I am becoming preoccupied with fighting any and all signs of aging so as to avoid seeing visual proof that I am getting closer to death. I am even contemplating plastic surgery in the near future. Do you think I am a nut????? Please don't suggest counseling because there is nothing they can say to successfully minimize the fact that we all must die. I have read that most people preoccupy their minds with material and superficial goals as a defense mechanism to avoid facing the inevitable. I just love life so much, and the thought of not being here anymore is horrible. Think about it; we all work so hard at building our lives---school, college, work/careers, forging friendships and relationships, building a home etc...for what??? Just so we can die in what feels like a very short passage of time? Am I the only one who thinks about this? We struggle to beat cancer so that we can live, but life passes in the blink of an eye.I can not believe that it has been more than 2 yrs since my diagnosis. I just wish I could slow time down. God has given us so much to enjoy here on earth, I guess I just don't want it to end and I don't want to ever leave or lose the people I love. I guess I'm just wondering if theres anyone else that feels the same. Thanks for listening.
Eil
«1

Comments

  • Watercolor
    Watercolor Member Posts: 45
    Happy Birthday !
    My 62nd birthday is coming up yet this year. (I was a first year baby boomer.) I find I'm thinking more about the end lately too. It is inevitable. But I am here for the duration -- whatever that is. (I took an on-line longetivity test -- 92!!!) However long it is, it is less than a billionth of the blink of an eye compared to eternity. So you have family to love and live with in the here and now? You're lucky. I have no family. That's what happens when you're an only child of older parents and never marry and don't have any children. Yet this life could be worse. There are things I do have to be thankful for and enjoy now.

    Mary
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    Happy Birthday
    Happy Birthday Eileen a small milestone and one to celebrate. Life does pass too quickly doesn't it? I hope you have many, many more years of milestones to celebrate. Love, Lili
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    Eileen,
    A very happy

    Eileen,
    A very happy Birthday to you! What you write about death has of course been on my mind too. I think that when we think these thoughts - we are right. But the human mind is not equipped to be right - we need to be in the moment. In the Jewish tradition we believe that Ecclesiastes was written by Solomon, one of the all time wise guys. The final wisdom he seemed to gain is that the "grass withers". Yikes! Sometimes it seems that we survivors know this ahead of our years. So, what are we to do? I have often thought that as much as people say that C teaches you what is important in life I would rather deal with what is not important; I need to focus on some silly things, like buying shoes or laughing at Two and a Half Men in order to regain my balance.
    I am 50 and I never thought that I would feel as young and beautiful as I do at 50. So maybe the following years are not as ugly when you get there as they seem when you contemplate them. I am one hot 50 year old and I will be a hot 80 year old (G-d willing).
    Lastly, I find that one of the best cures for feeling that life is going downhill is to go uphill. Find something you are bad at, or don't know, and dive in. Get embarrassed, struggle, and, inevitably build and improve. That will keep us growing (I hope). That is my attitude about yoga which I have just taken up but it could work for art classes, horseback riding, poetry writing, or anything.
    I don't mean to throw all these suggestions at you. Mostly I want to tell you I understand what you are saying. Remember the old Crosby Stills and Nash song? Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice - but to carry on.
    Lots of love, Joyce
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    A very Happy Birthday to you
    A very Happy Birthday to you Eileen! I try to think of my birthdays as one more year I beat cancer at its own game. For me it is a ha ha beatcha again kinda day. Each year does go by quickly that is for sure! I wish you much happiness and many many more birthdays!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR EILEEN
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! ;-)

    RE
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    Happy, Happy Birthday!!!
    I'd sing, but then I'd be kicked off of CSN...lol!

    I am 53 years young. Signs of aging? Sure, got those!!! But, I also have many signs of surviving cancer...my 12" up-and-down belly scar from the bowel resection, my scars from the lumpectomy and node removal....I am no beauty by anyone's standards (except my own). I am at peace with it, and wouldn't do any more surgery unless it involved my life...BUT...
    It is a very, very, very personal decision. I remember coming up on 48, and wondering if I should have a tummy tuck, or liposuction. I decided to wait, glad I did, a year later was the resection for my rectal cancer...all that money would have been down the drain...rofl.
    I have this theory that we hate aging because there are things left to do in our life, and it reminds us that we haven't done them. I took a long look at my list of things to do, and deleted about half. The others, well, I'm working on them...
    Considering my choices, I guess I pick aging over the alternative...and I look at my face when I smile, and then, interesting enough, when I'm not smiling, those are the lines on my face...those potential smile lines...

    I send you many, many warm hugs...my advice is to not get too hung up on this age thing...can't change it in the long run, anyway...

    Hugs, Kathi
  • ninjamom
    ninjamom Member Posts: 142
    Happy Birthday :)
    I remember

    Happy Birthday :)

    I remember when I was 15, I couldn't wait to turn 18 then I couldn't wait to turn 21. Before I knew it I turn 50!!! What happened??? Where did the years go?????

    This year I turned 53 and had my lumpectomy the day before my birthday and started chemo the Friday before mother's day. Where am I going with this? I don't know, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, when we reach a certain age we start thinking about our mortality. Nothing scares me more than not being here to see my grandchildren grow up and I worry about my children and my husband being alone. So now I live every day to the fullest and enjoy my children and grandchildren like there's no tomorrow and in the joy, I find myself not thinking about death. Does it make sence? Anyway.....I hope you had a great day and many happy returns.

    Patty
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    ninjamom said:

    Happy Birthday :)
    I remember

    Happy Birthday :)

    I remember when I was 15, I couldn't wait to turn 18 then I couldn't wait to turn 21. Before I knew it I turn 50!!! What happened??? Where did the years go?????

    This year I turned 53 and had my lumpectomy the day before my birthday and started chemo the Friday before mother's day. Where am I going with this? I don't know, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, when we reach a certain age we start thinking about our mortality. Nothing scares me more than not being here to see my grandchildren grow up and I worry about my children and my husband being alone. So now I live every day to the fullest and enjoy my children and grandchildren like there's no tomorrow and in the joy, I find myself not thinking about death. Does it make sence? Anyway.....I hope you had a great day and many happy returns.

    Patty

    I should have known.....
    Hi girls, I've been feeling very down lately. When I posted my birthday feelings I must have known deep down that you all could make me feel better. I teared up reading your responses. You are all so strong, and loving, I could almost feel a hug as I read.

    You helped me to see some very important things; 1. Life is sweet and there is a lot of living left to do. 2. I can make the most of every age(Joyce your hot at 50 declaration made me very happy:o) 3. Each birthday is another shot at the enemy(the big C).
    4. No matter what, I am very lucky--I have beaten cancer(I hope).

    And last but not least, I have you guys to remind me that I have things to be grateful for.
    I'm pretty sure that my issues will not go away entirely, but I am going to keep working on them and try and find joy whenever I can.

    Thank you all for your incredible warmth and support. Love and hugs, Eil
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    Eil4186 said:

    I should have known.....
    Hi girls, I've been feeling very down lately. When I posted my birthday feelings I must have known deep down that you all could make me feel better. I teared up reading your responses. You are all so strong, and loving, I could almost feel a hug as I read.

    You helped me to see some very important things; 1. Life is sweet and there is a lot of living left to do. 2. I can make the most of every age(Joyce your hot at 50 declaration made me very happy:o) 3. Each birthday is another shot at the enemy(the big C).
    4. No matter what, I am very lucky--I have beaten cancer(I hope).

    And last but not least, I have you guys to remind me that I have things to be grateful for.
    I'm pretty sure that my issues will not go away entirely, but I am going to keep working on them and try and find joy whenever I can.

    Thank you all for your incredible warmth and support. Love and hugs, Eil

    I am glad that you are
    I am glad that you are feeling better. I do think of myself as needing time. I get up, I get down, but generally I am moving to where I know is a better balance and I am sure that is the case with you also. I did think some more about your post. Isn't it strange that when life feels meaningless, only the good things seem that way. For instance, I may think "what does my happiness matter?" but never do I think pain and sorrow are unimportant. Never would I read an article, say about an abused child and think, "well, that's meaningless!" Maybe getting in touch with our own pain and sorrow occasionally re-establishes meaning for us when we need it. At least I would like to think the blues have something to offer!
    Take care, Love, Joyce
  • Irishwhispers
    Irishwhispers Member Posts: 96
    Eil4186 said:

    I should have known.....
    Hi girls, I've been feeling very down lately. When I posted my birthday feelings I must have known deep down that you all could make me feel better. I teared up reading your responses. You are all so strong, and loving, I could almost feel a hug as I read.

    You helped me to see some very important things; 1. Life is sweet and there is a lot of living left to do. 2. I can make the most of every age(Joyce your hot at 50 declaration made me very happy:o) 3. Each birthday is another shot at the enemy(the big C).
    4. No matter what, I am very lucky--I have beaten cancer(I hope).

    And last but not least, I have you guys to remind me that I have things to be grateful for.
    I'm pretty sure that my issues will not go away entirely, but I am going to keep working on them and try and find joy whenever I can.

    Thank you all for your incredible warmth and support. Love and hugs, Eil

    Happy Belated Eil
    Big Belated Birthday Hugs, and just remember when it gets tough, you have been triumphant.. you have beaten something a lot tougher!!

    So give aging that smug and sassy smile and remember we as women are born beautiful, and age even more beautifully.

    Bunches of hugs!

    Trish
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949

    Happy Belated Eil
    Big Belated Birthday Hugs, and just remember when it gets tough, you have been triumphant.. you have beaten something a lot tougher!!

    So give aging that smug and sassy smile and remember we as women are born beautiful, and age even more beautifully.

    Bunches of hugs!

    Trish

    Thank you
    Trish and Joyce, Thanks! Eil
  • Skybuf
    Skybuf Member Posts: 143
    Eil4186 said:

    Thank you
    Trish and Joyce, Thanks! Eil

    Life
    Eil...first may your Birthdays all be blessings for you...I remember turning 30 and that was mega trama for me....now I don't think about age at all, just "one day at a time"
    Your sisters here are right, life IS worth living, each new day I thank God I woke up, I don't care about wrinkles or age spots, that means I got another day here :)
    Death is scary, but Jesus gives us our hope our peace and He said He wouldn't put on us anything more than we can bare....so go out there and dance, smile and live life to it's fullest....and yes some day we will walk eternally in peace and live forever!
    In new healthy bodies....no pain, no suffering, no worries....but for now, here and now, enjoy!
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Old Age Ain't For Sissies! :-)
    Happy Birthday!!!!! It is all relative, to be sure~ in my old broad mind, you are a baby! I too fight aging kicking and screaming; not the chronological sense, but in the WHOOO HOOO I am ALIVE way! I am not happy with how my physical self is aging, but I also don't have the money to change that! And tight as my face might get, what about my hands? and my neck? and my droopier back-side? You get the point~ it is a non-ending, money making practice for the Drs! And, hello! LOOKING 35 o5 28 won't change what is happening inside....it is what it is! No one says you are going to die any time soon, anyway. I look at our dear movie icon Paul Newman, for example. If you die of cancer as he did~ you still have 40 years of LIVING ahead of you!

    Take a risk~ embrace not that time has flown, or that you are one step closer to your demise~instead celebrate that you are still above ground and have the time be someone even more special than you are now!!!!! Skydive, write a book, scuba, go on a safari, jump out of your comfort zone and ENJOY this gift you have been given. No, cancer was not a birthday gift, but you now have an insight not all have. And even though none of us wished this damned beast on anyone, girlfriend~ your knowledge is indeed power. Use it!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • dbs1673
    dbs1673 Member Posts: 203
    Happy Year!
    Happy year to you Eil!.
    I believe that birthday celebrations are good for the entire year. It's not only to celebrate having a place in this world but also to allow others to celebrate our existance. I happen to be fortunate in having good age genes. Most people take me as younger than my 48 years. My mother and her mother aged beautifully. How we look and how we feel just don't always match up. When I think of leaving my borrowed time on this earth I try to think of what it is I'll be leaving behind that can stay with loved ones. I want to leave a legacy of hope, gratitude for the simple things, value of family and personal responsibilty to do what's right. When I read your post I know that you value not just life but also living. It's your gift and the one you will be giving and leave to others.

    Many birthday blessings to you!

    dawn
  • kbc4869
    kbc4869 Member Posts: 159
    Better Late Than Never
    Hi Eileen,

    Sorry I'm sending you a late birthday wish -- have been traveling this week and the hotel's WIFI has not been consistent. But I did want to send you my happiest wishes to you.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. I thought it was sad that you were thinking about death so much on your birtday! What a bummer!

    I'm not thrilled about the aging process myself. I don't like what cancer and having the baby has done to my body (and memory) over the last five years. But my thought on dying is that it's something that is going to happen to all of us and everything on this earth. The only questions left are the when's and how's. I guess plastic surgery may be our way of trying to control something that can't be controlled.

    I'll be turning 40 next spring and before cancer that probably would have bothered me. However, now, it feels that every year I live is a celebration and another notch on my belt because that means that I'm winning. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting plastic surgery if it makes you feel better about yourself and boosts your confidence. Hell -- my mother has dabbled a bit in it and she looks fabulous. If you're going to do it, I say go for it -- but do it for the right reasons -- pure, old fashioned VANITY!

    When I die, I like to envision that I'll be surrounded by friends and family. I hope I won't be sitting around thinking that I wish I had been thinner or had less wrinkles. I'll be remembering all the people that I loved and that loved me and the times we had together. So when I think about the things that are going to be important to me on my death bed, I think about what I should be making a priority in my life now -- and that's my relationships with people and how I think about myself. Don't get me wrong -- I'd love to be better on the outside, but I've been putting more work into my insides lately. I don't always suceed because I'm just trying to figure this all out like you and the rest of the girls are.

    Eileen -- my personal wish for you (and me and the rest of the girls) is that you live to be a very, very old and wrinkley woman (especially around the eyes and mouth from smiling so much). I can't think of anything better! Hope that doesn't offend you! Thanks for brining up an interesting subject. It made me think.

    Love,
    Kim
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    kbc4869 said:

    Better Late Than Never
    Hi Eileen,

    Sorry I'm sending you a late birthday wish -- have been traveling this week and the hotel's WIFI has not been consistent. But I did want to send you my happiest wishes to you.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. I thought it was sad that you were thinking about death so much on your birtday! What a bummer!

    I'm not thrilled about the aging process myself. I don't like what cancer and having the baby has done to my body (and memory) over the last five years. But my thought on dying is that it's something that is going to happen to all of us and everything on this earth. The only questions left are the when's and how's. I guess plastic surgery may be our way of trying to control something that can't be controlled.

    I'll be turning 40 next spring and before cancer that probably would have bothered me. However, now, it feels that every year I live is a celebration and another notch on my belt because that means that I'm winning. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting plastic surgery if it makes you feel better about yourself and boosts your confidence. Hell -- my mother has dabbled a bit in it and she looks fabulous. If you're going to do it, I say go for it -- but do it for the right reasons -- pure, old fashioned VANITY!

    When I die, I like to envision that I'll be surrounded by friends and family. I hope I won't be sitting around thinking that I wish I had been thinner or had less wrinkles. I'll be remembering all the people that I loved and that loved me and the times we had together. So when I think about the things that are going to be important to me on my death bed, I think about what I should be making a priority in my life now -- and that's my relationships with people and how I think about myself. Don't get me wrong -- I'd love to be better on the outside, but I've been putting more work into my insides lately. I don't always suceed because I'm just trying to figure this all out like you and the rest of the girls are.

    Eileen -- my personal wish for you (and me and the rest of the girls) is that you live to be a very, very old and wrinkley woman (especially around the eyes and mouth from smiling so much). I can't think of anything better! Hope that doesn't offend you! Thanks for brining up an interesting subject. It made me think.

    Love,
    Kim

    Thank you girls!
    Thanks again for the positive thoughts. What can I say? I guess Im a wacko. The plastic surgeon said he won't do any procedures and I look 10 yrs younger than I am. He said I should appreciate what I have. But what matters is how I feel not anyone else.

    You guys are right whats inside is important, but I can't help my fears. I am trying though to not feel down and fearful constantly. I am so exhausted.
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    Eil4186 said:

    Thank you girls!
    Thanks again for the positive thoughts. What can I say? I guess Im a wacko. The plastic surgeon said he won't do any procedures and I look 10 yrs younger than I am. He said I should appreciate what I have. But what matters is how I feel not anyone else.

    You guys are right whats inside is important, but I can't help my fears. I am trying though to not feel down and fearful constantly. I am so exhausted.

    Eileen, I feel you still
    Eileen, I feel you still troubled. Last week I had a bad spell of what the hec has happened to my life! I called my sister up. She has battled depression herself. She was amazing. She listened to all that I had to say. She did NOT suggest taking up a new hobby, or looking on the bright side. She respected me enough to know that I have already tried everything I can think of to feel better. That was very supportive. Just to have her listen without thinking she had an answer. So, I want to listen too. Been there. By the way, I kept talking long after I had new words. I just wanted to keep talking, hoping that I would help myself, and scared to talk all those thoughts without someone I love listening. After a while I did feel some easing in the storm. I don't know if my sister put the phone down and folded laundry, but she sure did help me out. I wish for you a good talk with a good friend. And I am here anytime! love, Joyce
  • kbc4869
    kbc4869 Member Posts: 159
    Eil4186 said:

    Thank you girls!
    Thanks again for the positive thoughts. What can I say? I guess Im a wacko. The plastic surgeon said he won't do any procedures and I look 10 yrs younger than I am. He said I should appreciate what I have. But what matters is how I feel not anyone else.

    You guys are right whats inside is important, but I can't help my fears. I am trying though to not feel down and fearful constantly. I am so exhausted.

    Definitely Not
    You're definitely not a wacko, Eileen. You're a person that's been dealt a life altering event. While life is a possibility, so is death and that's a pretty serious thing to have to deal with. You are actually trying to be proactive in solving a problem -- ok, there's this ever-lingering "What If" -- now what can I do to make myself feel better about it? You are in the process of brainstorming solutions.

    You'll get there. I know you will. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I've had less obsessive thoughts since I went on an antidepressant. I am obsessive and a worrier by nature. My head is like a record player and the needle gets stuck on the negative and worst case scenarios. The meds have seemed to take that "skip" away so I can listen to the rest of the song. Now the songs I choose to listen to are up to me, but at least my needles been fixed!

    Love ya, Girlfriend!

    Kim
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    kbc4869 said:

    Definitely Not
    You're definitely not a wacko, Eileen. You're a person that's been dealt a life altering event. While life is a possibility, so is death and that's a pretty serious thing to have to deal with. You are actually trying to be proactive in solving a problem -- ok, there's this ever-lingering "What If" -- now what can I do to make myself feel better about it? You are in the process of brainstorming solutions.

    You'll get there. I know you will. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I've had less obsessive thoughts since I went on an antidepressant. I am obsessive and a worrier by nature. My head is like a record player and the needle gets stuck on the negative and worst case scenarios. The meds have seemed to take that "skip" away so I can listen to the rest of the song. Now the songs I choose to listen to are up to me, but at least my needles been fixed!

    Love ya, Girlfriend!

    Kim

    45's or 33's???
    Kim~ That was a GREAT post! I love the record player analogy! It made me think too of how our 8-tracks used to get stuck and we had to wedge a piece of paper in the machine to re-balance it! :-) Thanks for the memory!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    kbc4869 said:

    Definitely Not
    You're definitely not a wacko, Eileen. You're a person that's been dealt a life altering event. While life is a possibility, so is death and that's a pretty serious thing to have to deal with. You are actually trying to be proactive in solving a problem -- ok, there's this ever-lingering "What If" -- now what can I do to make myself feel better about it? You are in the process of brainstorming solutions.

    You'll get there. I know you will. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I've had less obsessive thoughts since I went on an antidepressant. I am obsessive and a worrier by nature. My head is like a record player and the needle gets stuck on the negative and worst case scenarios. The meds have seemed to take that "skip" away so I can listen to the rest of the song. Now the songs I choose to listen to are up to me, but at least my needles been fixed!

    Love ya, Girlfriend!

    Kim

    And I really like the first
    And I really like the first half of your post! What you say about the brainstorming to find a solution sounds like truth to me. These troubled times are minds are in are not because they are victims, or aggressors, but because they are trying to fix things. I like anything that keeps me on friendly terms with my body, instead of fighting it. Thanks and so glad to hear that you are feeling better. YOu look younger, too! love, Joyce
  • sylva
    sylva Member Posts: 80
    BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY
    BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!! Feliz Cumpleanos!!!We all have these ups and downs, sometimes it's our mind, sometimes is the medication we're taking...
    Before the diagnosis, I didn't care for my birthday. These year, I celebrated with friends, with my husband, took a class for horse riding, bought some new clothes... Every day is a BLESSING.
    I have my days too, when I start thinking about the future... but I bring myself back to the "day by day, just this moment" and it calms me down.
    "This too shall pass". Enjoy!!! You are beautiful, in the inside and outside.